Tuesday, January 29, 2019

The eLection Word

Look, I have no idea who will ultimately win the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. But I do know one thing, I will vote for a Democrat for president in 2020 no matter what. We’ve got more than a year and a half and an infinite number of Trump administration corruption scandals to go before the next presidential election, but already there are so many contenders and would-be contenders in the mix. While it’s overwhelming to think of how many candidates we’ll have to choose from, I truly think the field will benefit from vigorous – though not vicious – primary. The motto for the all the Democratic candidates should be, “First, do no harm (to each other).” Because, dammit, one of these men or women has to win…she just has to.

While we no doubt each have our personal favorites from the candidates and would-be candidates, the issue that really matters (you know – besides climate change, Medicare for all, $15 minimum wage, criminal justice reform, voting rights, racism, LGBTQ equality, et al) is how the candidates compare to their “The L Word” counterparts. Who will pander to us, the all-important queer women who obsessively watched “The L Word” constituency? So here are the candidates and their TLW doppelgängers. Because if we can’t have fun with this already infernal 2020 election cycle, we will definitely go insane before Nov. 3, 2020.


Kamala Harris: Bette Porter

The senator from California is Bette because duh.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Tina Kennard

The senator from New York is Tina because I am deeply invested in a Straight TiBette 2020 Ticket.

Elizabeth Warren: Shane McCutcheon

The senator from Massachusetts is Shane because you always remember your first progressive girl crush.

Pete Buttigieg: Howie Fairbanks

The openly gay mayor of South Bend, Ind. Is Dana’s little brother Howie because he gives off that just-out baby gay vibe and you know it.

Julian Castro: Max Sweeney

The former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is Max because he deserved a better storyline/would have made a great VP candidate in 2016.

Andrew Yang: Sandrine Holt

The former tech executive is Sandrine because she was the only recurring character on the show of East Asian descent and being a a tech executive is basically like being a con artist.

John Delaney: Random Bald Guy TiBette Asked For Sperm

The former congressman from Maryland is that random bald guy because, seriously, who?

Tulsi Gabbard: Lisa the “lesbian-identified man”

The congresswoman from Hawaii is Lisa because you can call yourself a Democrat all you want, but we know you’re just a anti-LGBTQ, pro-Assad fraud.


Joe Biden: Kit Porter

Good old Uncle Joe is Kit because everyone likes Kit, but you didn’t tune in/vote for Kit.

Bernie Sanders: Tim Haspel

Bernie is Tim because I’ve got nothing against straight white men, but this election/show is for the rest of us.

Cory Booker: Tasha Williams

The senator from New Jersey is Tasha because good, incredibly charismatic people can sometimes be a tad more conservative than their friend group.

Beto O'Rourke: Alice Pieszecki

The failed senate candidate from Texas is Alice because everyone lovesloveloves him, but he might not be ready for the big leagues since his senatorial campaign/spin-off show failed to launch.

Sherrod Brown: Angus the Manny

The senator from Ohio who is married to Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Connie Schultz is Angus because he seems sweet and sincere, but if he ever cheated on Connie we’d drop him in a heartbeat.

Michael Bloomberg: Mark the Creepy Video Guy

The billionaire ex-mayor of New York is Mark because he isn’t your friend, he is just another billionaire Republican from New York and can fuck right off.

Howard Schultz: Toxic Tonya

The billionaire former Starbucks CEO considering a run as an independent is Tonya because the last thing we need is another opportunistic social climber without any experience trying to run the country.


Barack Obama: Dana Fairbanks

Obama is Dana because he’s beloved, deeply missed – dead to us because of fucking term limits.

Donald Trump: Jenny Schecter

Trump is Jenny because – while this might actually be unfair to Jenny – someone has to be the most hated crazy clown in the room.


Unnamed Other Female Candidate: Carmen de la Pica Morales

The mystery “other” female candidate is Carmen because she’s hot and perfect and elusive, yet will still somehow get dumped at the ballot box/altar as soon as she wants to make it official by so-called progressive dudes who love to say, “I’d vote for a woman – just not that woman.”


katy said...

This is SPOT ON, it made me laugh VERY HARD. Favorites are Joe Biden as Kit and Beto as Alice!

Carmen SanDiego said...

Oh. My. Goddess. DS, you outdid yourself this time. This is perfection. Wow. I’m in awe of your brilliance

Tammy said...

Genius. I needed this genius in my life today.

AK said...

What a great way to start my day.....I will smile & giggle to myself remembering. Thx

Helena said...

Thank you for this , I will come back to it whenever I feel a bit down. You are brilliant Dorothy.