Please, like we weren’t going to have a Tank Top Tuesday during the Olympics. While, I still don’t agree – which is different than appreciate – that the women’s beach volleyball players have to wear pretty much bikinis while the dudes get to play in tank tops and loose shorts, overall I can’t complain too much about Olympic uniforms this year. Except, of course, for those Team USA Opening Ceremony outfits with the ridiculously huge and tacky Ralph Lauren polo pony logo. That’s just U-S-Tacky.
Yes, the women’s uniforms tend to be tighter and more form fitting in almost every sport (except men’s diving – hello, itsy bitsy teen weenies). But if you’ve got the muscles, I say, flaunt them. Flaunt the hell out of them – especially in a tank top. I say tank tops and beautiful biceps are the peanut butter and jelly of the Olympics. But don’t take my word for it. Trust the U.S. Women’s field hockey team instead. Still not convinced? Here are some more athletes proving my theory. For science.
The gold-winning women’s double sculls team flashes the guns.
Sinead Lynch & Claire Lambe, Ireland
While they may not have won a medal in lightweight women’s double sculls, they did win the gun show.
Michelle Carter, USA
It took her very last throw to beat a two-time Olympic champion on her way to becoming the first U.S. woman ever to win a gold for shot put.
Rebekah Tiler, Great Britain
This 17-year-old lifted 227kg, which is even more impressive when I convert it for all of us non-metric dummies to 500.449 pounds.
Mira Potkonen, Finland, & Adriana Araujo, Brazil
Women’s boxing is still underway. So, you know, plan your viewing accordingly.
Simone Manuel, USA
Swimming, however, is now over. And while everyone was excited about Katie Ledecky and some guy named Michael, my most exciting swimming moment was Simone’s 100m freestyle win. Also, don’t worry, a swimsuit is just a tank top that doesn’t know when to quit.
Brittney Griner, USA, & Laura Nicholls, Spain
I haven’t caught a single women’s basketball game so far, which makes me feel like a terrible lesbian. I’ll make up for that this week.
Jane-Anne Claxton, Australia, & Alex Danson, Great Britain
I have caught some field hockey. I gotta confess, watching all that stooping makes my back hurt.
Elaine Thompson, Jamaica
World’s. Fastest. Woman.
Team USA, field hockey
Well, I wanted you to appreciate their biceps from the back as well.
Women’s Heptathlon, The World
What? Abs were starting to feel ignored.