Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Up Chuck

Every so often (i.e. all the time), I get the sneaking suspicion that I am an idiot. Last night was one of those times. Forgive me, television, for I have sinned. I haven't been watching “Chuck.” I know, I know. What is wrong with me? Trust me, I've been warned. StuntDouble and The Linster keep screaming three not-so-little words at me: Agent! Sarah! Walker!

But I was dumb and stubborn and dumb some more. I guess a cranky part of me was tired of the dorky-guy-gets-hot-girl trend of late (for reference, please see any movie starring Seth Rogen or Jack Black). I have nothing against dorks, I just wish that the girl dork would sometimes get the girl (or guy, not that there's anything wrong with that) every once in a while. So this obstinate streak kept me from watching. And then, well, then this finally convinced me to give it a shot.

Chuck_Tricia Helfer

Look, I know it's wrong of me to let anyone other than Yvonne StraHOTski turn me into a true believer. But, you know, I'm kind of a sucker for a woman in a uniform.

[HQ button, seriously, click the HQ button]

But it wasn't the presence of Tricia Helfer that actually convinced me, it just got me in the door. What converted me was the show itself. It's fun; like spy thriller with a sense of humor and a really, really hot heroine who gets to kick ass and take names fun. The writing is enjoyable. The characters are endearing. The concept is engaging. Have I mentioned that Yvonne Strahovski is hot?

I guess, the one upside to my total idiocy on this whole “Chuck” thing is that now I get to catch up on almost two seasons worth of uninterrupted Agent Sarah Walker goodness. Admit it, if you've been watching all along you're almost jealous that I get to watch hour after hour of this.

Chuck_Yvonne Strahovski

Repentance like this makes me want to sin more.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Design time

Have you all just gone and completely lost your minds? That's right, The Terminator is back. No, not Ah-nold. Or Kristiana. Or even Summer. We're talking about Julia, Julia Sugarbaker. Now, for the young'uns and uninitiated among us, this name will probably elicit a blank stare. But for those of us geriatric enough and in the know, this name elicits a heady mix of carnal and cerebral lust. You see, Julia was the original (albeit straight) Alpha Bette, minus the fidelity issues and plus a Southern accent.

So, then imagine my delight when I heard the Julia & Co. were finally coming to DVD on May 26. Shout! Factory, the fine folks who put out the fabulous new “My So-Called Life” DVD set in 2007, are giving the first season of “Designing Women” the box set treatment it deserves, complete with an extra reunion special featuring stars Delta Burke, Dixie Carter, Annie Potts, Jean Smart and series creator Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.

I watched “Designing Women” obsessively in college courtesy the wonder that was seemingly non-stop repeats on Lifetime, television for women. Like a younger, sassier, Southerner “Golden Girls,” the show was wonderful for so many reasons. What I loved most about “Designing Women” – besides, of course, its portrayal of close, loving and rich female friendships – was that it played with our preconceived notions of the Southern Belle. Sure, Julia, Suzanne, Mary Jo and Charlene were all archetypes, but they worked hard not to fall into stereotypes. They never shied away from controversy: racism, sexism, homophobia, you name it. And, lordy, they were funny. And fabulous. And fierce. But none were fiercer than Julia. A look at some of The Terminator's greatest hits.

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia

As God Is My Witness

I Suggest You Try Finding Yourself an Oyster

If God Was Giving Out Sexually Transmitted Diseases

History Has Shown

p.s. This one isn't The Terminator, but it does include my favorite fictitious store name of all time: Georgia Tent & Awning.

Friday, March 27, 2009

My Weekend Sexy

This ad is ridiculous. It is wrong. It has no place in a civilized society. That said, what I wouldn't fucking give to be that ketchup. Padma Lakshmi makes me want to be a hamburger. Or bacon. Or even cheese. I have watched this ad about a half dozen times and I still can't stop salivating. A fast food burger should not make me feel this way. I have no idea whether this crush is on Padma or the burger or the concept of eating in general. All I know is that if she licked or sucked one more thing, I would have seriously swallowed my tongue. Check that, make that I would have seriously swallowed her tongue. Ahem. Happy weekend, all.

[For the love of sexy, hit the HQ button. After that, hit whatever button you please as many times as you please. Ahem, again.]

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A tall glass of...

Rachel Maddow

It's official. No. 4,751 on my never-ending list of things I'd like to do before I leave this mortal coil: drink cocktails with Rachel Maddow. Rachel stopped by Jimmy Fallon's talk show Tuesday night. While I still can't say I've warmed to Fallon's twitchy energy (and, seriously, does he call everyone “pal?”), Rachel was her signature blend of equal parts utterly adorkable and James Bond – cute and cool. Plus, her declaration that “everyone can drink a manlier drink” was priceless. Here is a look at some of Rachel's finest on-air cocktail moments.

On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

“It tastes like hell, on it's own.”
[p.s. International fans see it here.]

On The Rachel Maddow Show

“Oh, thank you, I never get the pretty one.”

On Martha Stewart

“I always travel with the right equipment.”

On Grub Street

“Don't be a wuss about the shaking.”

Rachel, Rachel – you can pour me a nice, tall one anytime. Oh, and a cocktail would be nice, too.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sarah can do it

Another day, another chance to see what is happening with my Fake Internet Girlfriend Sarah Haskins. What? The judge said my hidden camera surveillance operation was “illegal” and “unconscionable” and whatever. So, this is the best I can do to keep updated on her life while remaining completely within the bounds of the restraining order. Sorry, what's that? Who is Sarah Haskins? You've never met my Fake Internet Girlfriend? Or maybe you feel like you've never been properly introduced? Well, here is a little primer for everyone on what all the fuss is about. p.s. 80s Sarah is totally a lez. What? I'm just saying.

There, now that we're all properly introduced, what else has Sarah been up to? Well, crying while watching Lifetime television on The Internet Machine, of course. Sheesh, who hasn't?

I'm totally going to start incorporating a little snap, crackle and pop into my daily haircare routine.

Of course, I was somewhat less pleased to find out that Sarah was dating. Though, after watching her night with some stiff named Ken, I'm fairly certain that I still have a shot. Hey, the wrong kind of genitalia is better than no genitalia at all, right?

Of course, if Sarah is going to imaginary step out on me, then I can imaginary step out on her with yet another of Current TV's offerings, the new series SuperNews. It's not cheating if you're honest about it up front. The animated show's take on Twitter is yet another reason I'm eternally thankful to Al Gore for inventing the internet Current TV.

It's funny because it's true. That said, feel free to follow my detached, bite-sized, yippity-yap @dorothysnarker. I just love randomly shouting into the darkness.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

An outie or an innie?

Clementine Ford Goes In

So what are we to make of the “look who came out/look who went in”-case of Clementine Ford? The all caps headline on last month's Diva magazine cover couldn't have been bigger or clearer: CLEMENTINE FORD COMES OUT. Woo and hoo! Break out the feather boas and strike up the band; it's time for a personalized pride parade. Happy gay gals all over the world were excited to watch the final month's worth of “The L Word” episodes for a glimpse of their newly-out heroine. It was like she earned her Advanced Placement Gay, Graduate Level Gay and Doctorate in Fucking Gay overnight.

But now flash forward six weeks. “The L Word” is over, Clementine Ford is about to join the cast of “The Young & The Restless” and she is also no longer proclaiming her outness. In fact, she says she never came out in an interview with TV Guide magazine.

From TV Guide:

Q: Let’s discuss this Diva magazine cover story. You sorta kinda maybe came out as a lesbian. Um, right?
A: [Groaning] I’m sooo glad you asked. The first thing that really upset me was that the cover line said “Clementine Ford Comes Out” which, clearly if you read the article, I did not come out. It was really misleading and full of misquotes to sell the magazine. If someone’s buying it to see that I came out, well, get your money back.

Whoa, wait, what? Alright, let's read the article and see what exactly she said on the matter. Read it in full for yourself here. [Hat tip, uhhuhherfan.com!]

From Diva on the rumors about her and Kate Moennig:

“Well, the truth is...” she begins, measuring her words carefully. “The truth is that I'm not technically out yet. Put that in your magazine. For me, there's never been a distinction about anything to do with sexuality, so there was no declaration to be made. My siblings and I would bring home men and women, and as long as they were human it wasn't a big deal.” Gosh, Clementine Ford has just come out. Well, as a woman who dates women, at least. She's not big on labels, more of which later.

Then later, from Diva on labels:

“I never want to put a label on myself — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop. 8 [banning gay marriage in California] comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label.”

OK, sure, she doesn't say she is gay or lesbian or bisexual in so many words. She says she is “not technically out,” but has brought home “men and women.” Infer what you will, I guess. I infer when she says “put that in your magazine” that she is making some sort of solidarity statement. That said, I would have asked a slew of very specific follow-up questions, like “Wait, did you just come out?” and “So do you consider yourself lesbian, bisexual, queer as Christmas?” and “You know we're going to put your face with an all caps headline about coming out on the cover, right?” I'm not saying the reporter didn't ask those questions, but it's not apparent either way from the story.

TV Guide apparently shared my confusion, because they did ask a follow-up to her un-outing.

From TV Guide:

Q: But I did read the article and you do say “The truth is that I’m not technically out yet.” You go on to admit that, even though you were married to actor Todd Hunter for four years, you’ve also dated women. And you perpetuated the rumors that you and Kate Moennig had a thing while shooting The L Word. Are you just a big ol’ tease?
A: [Ignoring the question] That Diva article also picked up quotes from a podcast interview I did with AfterEllen.com where the interviewer asked me if the sex on The L Word was real and I very jokingly said “Yes, we actually had sex. The L Word is porn. The secret’s out!” And the Diva writer printed it as fact that Kate and I had real sex on camera! I was like, “Oh, my God, I hate you!” I almost wrote a nasty letter and then I stopped myself because I thought, if anyone is stupid enough to actually believe that Showtime would let us have real sex, then that’s not my problem. So that was that. But it made me very angry.

Classic misdirection. Don't answer the real question, but show indignation over another, somewhat-related question. And, she certainly has a point to be indignant about. Diva did get it terribly, horribly wrong when it came to her This Just Out With Liz Feldman appearance. [Catch it at the 17:10 mark.]

From Diva on the Molly/Shane sex scenes:

When she and Moennig were performing their sex scenes [she told Liz Feldman on the AfterEllen website], they wanted it to look as authentic as possible, so they actually had sex on the set – but when "Phyllis" walked in in them, Clementine felt distinctly uncomfortable

From This Just Out on the Molly/Shane sex scenes:

Liz: It was very realistic and I was watching it and I was like that looks like real sex. Was it?
Clementine: Yes. The L Word is porn.
Liz: You said that sarcastically, but I've said that in sincerity.

Wow, Diva, way to be utterly unclear on the concept of sarcasm.

So could Diva have gotten it all wrong, jumped to conclusions, wildly misquoted? Sure, sure and definitely. The TJO misunderstanding shows that at the very least something is on the verge of being rotten in the state of Denmark. So if they took Clementine's somewhat ambiguous statement of solidarity and twisted it into something it's not just to sell magazines, shame on them. Seriously, boo. This helps no one.

Still, what bothers me most about this about face is the timing. If Clementine had never come out, never meant to imply that she came out, never really been any kind of queer in the first place, why wouldn't she have said something right away? Why wait, conveniently, until after “The L Word” has completed its run, when all of the overwhelming support she could garner from this sort of revelation has been used up and she was instead about to appear on a very mainstream, very straight show?

I believe Clementine is a sincere and compassionate supporter of the GLBT community. This won't change that. But there is something very off-putting and sickeningly familiar about this in/out/in dance. The stars flirt with us, give an interview (often with the gay press) where they proclaim some sort of bisexuality and then maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years later tell another media outlet that they were never were gay in the first place or just misquoted or plain old wrong. For reference please see Megan Mullally, Nelly Furtado, et al. This kind of bisexuality backpedaling is, sadly, nothing new when it comes to celebrities.* But it sure does make me tired.

Well, what do you think? Backpedal? Misquote? Labelphobia? Sigh. I guess it's time to put the feather boa back in the closet, so to speak.

*p.s. Clearly, I don't mean that backpedaling is an inherent part of bisexuality. Banish. The. Thought. It's this kind of fauxsexual thing that makes it hard for bisexual women to fight unfair stereotypes.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Let the Sunshine In

Sunshine Cleaning

I want “Sunshine Cleaning” to be good so badly that it makes my teeth hurt. I mean, it's a movie about two women, directed by a woman and written by a woman. It's like we've crossed over into a bizarro version of Hollywood where people actually think women have interesting and important stories to tell. Crazy! So far reviews have been generally favorable. OK so Ebert, The New York Times and Salon didn't love it. But the San Francisco Chronicle, Los Angeles Time and – most important – The Linster all gave it the big thumbs up.

So, now, besides my obvious interest in supporting a woman-centered, woman-created project like “Sunshine Cleaning,” the story about two sisters who start up a crime scene clean up business seems all sorts of interesting. And the cast? Come on, Amy Adams, Emily Blunt and Mary Lynn Rajskub (who also happens to play a lesbian). And thanks to Linster, I now am all a tingle about the prospect of a Emily and Mary Lynn candy necklace encounter.

Really, my only disappointment so far is that Amy and Emily play sisters. The whole sibling thing makes me feel a little weird about all the fantasy sequences in my head. Ahem.

Friday, March 20, 2009

My Weekend Crush

While there are some who will only ever know Portia De Rossi as Ellen DeGeneres' wife, to reduce her to that would be to reduce what more than likely made her Ellen's wife in the first place. A gifted actress with Quartz-like comic timing, she is by all accounts the antithesis of the roles that have made her famous. Not an ice queen, not tightly wound, not blithely vapid, she is instead always described as warm and sensitive. I first noticed her years before Ellen become America's favorite lesbian, before “Ally McBeal” and before “Arrested Development,” back in that quirky little surprisingly Sapphic charmer called “Sirens.” If you've never seen it, then you've never seen Elle Macpherson and fellow female cohorts caress every every inch of Portia's body. Yeah, you're going to want to rent that.

Portia's new role as yet another aggressive, power-suited professional in “Better of Ted” once again shows off her impeccable comic chops. Her Veronica is a walking, talking sensitivity trainer's nightmare. Her role in the new series also has shone a welcome light on her and her relationship to a vast audience. Through it all she has displayed an effortless grace in handled both living in Ellen's shadow and being half of what is arguably the world's most famous gay couple. Together, they give America a face to gay marriage and demystify what a few fear so irrationally. The simple act of them loving each other so openly and talking about their lives so casually is at once wonderfully subversive and totally normal. Each time Portia goes on The Tonight Show, each time she talks to Newsweek or The Los Angeles Times, each time she is appears together with her wife she reinforces the simple fact that love is love. So then to deny her that love begins to seem unspeakably cruel. And that right there, that's how you change hearts and minds. Happy weekend, all.

UPDATE: Oh, the funny. In case you missed it, here is Portia's extra snarky Gay Marriage PSA from her Jimmy Kimmel Live! appearance Friday night. It's six kinds of awesome.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sing me a song

Today, I feel like a little song. Words just fail me sometimes. And that's where music comes in. Nothing invigorates or inspires me more than live music, particularly when sung by amazing women. So today, how about a selection of live, unfiltered sounds? All these songs are lovely and thoughtful and have a sweet melancholy about them that is almost impossible to resist. Sure, some of these videos are shaky. And, granted, the quality isn't always the greatest. But it's that raw experience that makes it feel more personal. After all, life isn't perfect, but we just keep trying anyway.

Ingrid Michaelson, “Corner of Your Hear”

The Watson Twins, “Just Like Heaven”

Maria Taylor, “Clean Getaway”

Ani DiFranco, “Independence Day”

Vienna Teng, “City Hall”

ADD: Natasha Richardson, “Maybe This Time”

Beautiful, heartbreaking, a true talent that the world is now so much worse for having lost.

So, feel like sharing a song? Sing it sweet and low to me below.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Choose life

When it comes to questions of life and death, as a rule, I always choose life. So, when it comes to questions of reporting on life and death, I always choose caution. Aside from the tremendous personal tragedy befalling Natasha Richardson and her family right now, there is an obviously smaller, but more insidious tragedy befalling our media. While all of the major, reliable news outlets – including The New York Times, CNN and The Washington Post – have exercised caution while reporting on the story of Natasha's skiing accident and subsequent injury, the chattering class has been quick to jump on the most grim and most salacious rumors swirling around her condition. Look, internet, “brain dead” is a hell of a term to use based on a whisper.

Reporting the news, despite what it may seem like many days while perusing the web, is not an elaborate game of telephone. It is based on facts and, when necessary, happily waits for them. And while it may, indeed and sadly, turn out to be the worst, I think the rush to blare “brain dead” across the internet has been disgusting. Time Out New York even had to retract an obituary it ran yesterday. It's headline read: “EXCLUSIVE: Time Out New York learns of actress's untimely death. She will be greatly missed.” Have we become so enamored with getting it first that we forgot the cardinal rule of getting it right? p.s. Death should never be a salivated-over, all caps “EXCLUSIVE.” p.p.s. You're gross.

The fact is, reports right now are conflicted as to her condition. So until her family or the hospital releases an official statement, that is the story. I will gladly wait for the truth while wishing for her full and speedy recover. And even if our worst fears are realized, I am all for holding off until that moment and letting the family handle what is clearly a terrible situation in peace without the vultures circling. If, and again I hope with all I have not, a time comes for tribute let us do it then. For now my heart and best wished go out to her family.

UPDATE 5:15 PM: Natasha's family has confirmed the worst. She passed away today from her injuries. She was 45. Words are not enough to express the sadness of this situation. May her family have time and space to deal with this terrible loss in private.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A couple of broads

Since when is the simple act of a married couple talking to each other a revolutionary act? When it's Ellen and Portia and it's played out on national television, that's when. Yesterday the big, highly-anticipated, awfully-charming interview between newly married couple Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi aired. Portia looked lovely, Ellen looked dapper. If you haven't seen it yet stop everything you are doing and click play. Trust me, you will not see anything cuter on The Interwebs today. Seriously, baby pandas have nothing on their cuteness.

Of course, the cute is one thing. But it's the adorable subversiveness that interests me most. You see, this is quite simply a first: an out lesbian talk show host interviewing her out lesbian wife in front of a national audience of millions. Suck it, Prop. 8. While the couple didn't kiss or do much more than hug and dance in each other's general vicinity, their affection and familiarity was undeniably apparent. I particularly liked the moment when Ellen took off Portia's shoe. Now, she probably would have never done that, let alone initiated it, with another guest. But there she went, lifting Portia's ankle and, without really asking, removing her Louboutin. It was at once incredibly intimate and terribly normal. This is what couples do.

Also, can I just say after watching that last “Better Off Ted” clip that Ellen is one lucky, lucky lady. Oh my God, the bendy. Heavens, couldn't she have busted out a little of that in her intro?

Equally subversive was Ellen and Portia's participation in a “The Newlywed Game” skit. They faced off with a straight couple from the audience, and actually won when they both agreed that the best gift they had given each other was their heart/love. Say it with me, awwwwwww.

Now, much has been made already of eHarmony's sponsorship of the “The Newlywed Game” skit. Was this an attempt for the notoriously non-gay inclusive dating service to make amends with the GLBT community? Well, maybe. But I'm not quite ready to give eHarmony a happy homo inclusion hug just yet. The reason they sponsored “The Newlywed Game” segment on Ellen's show was because they are sponsoring the ENTIRE new “The Newlywed Game” series set to launch April 6 on GSN (listen closely and you can hear the host mention the new show's premiere date at the end of the clip). So this is basically a wholesale plug for their new gameshow, period. Granted, it was nice of them to allow Ellen to use the show's name, but I wouldn't call those fences mended yet.

Yet I think perhaps the interview's most delightful moments came at the very end when Ellen sang with Portia as part of her Bathroom Concert Series. Their song: “I Got You Babe.” The wonderful part is that you could tell they practiced beforehand and during they give each other sweet little encouragements and admonishments. Plus, if you watch the full song on Ellen's website, you'll even see real, live lesbian hand holding. See, America, a couple is a couple is a couple – especially when they try to karaoke together.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Maniac Monday

Mondays can, quite frankly, suck it. The only way to approach them, therefore, is with a hearty dose of disdain and a sublime sense of silly. Or, as Cate Blanchett so aptly demonstrates above, your tongue out. So it is in that oh-so-serious state of mind that I approach today, this post and pretty much the universe. In lieu of a complex discourse on the physics of expectation or the collective zeitgeist of a day, I would rather just say, well, pffftttttt.

Jodie FosterShe it totally playing imaginary “Tune in Tokyo” here.

Tina Fey & Jane KrakowskiIt's like they're the wackiest funeral guests ever.

Lena HeadeyHow you like them apples?

Shirley MansonSomeone has a dominant gene.

Lena & ShirleyWait, robots? We're on a show about robots?

Helen MirrenThat is Dame Bunny Ears, thank you very much.

Charlize TheronSome say silly, some say sexy. I say why quibble.

Natalie Portman & Devendra BanhartFunnier-looking face or funnier-looking ex?

Gillian AndersonPaging Agent Scully Silly.

Kate Winslet & Cate BlanchettGod, they totally look like a couple at gay prom.

Friday, March 13, 2009

My Weekend Crush

I think a part of me will always be in love with Claire Danes. From the moment Angela Chase lifted her head with those doe eyes and that Manic Panic hair, I knew. On “My So-Called Life,” Claire's achingly-real portrayal of everyteen awkwardness puts all of today's glossy, fast-talking, over-sexed TV teen pretenders to shame. And in case people whose name rhymes with bacon (cough, Chaiken, cough) want to see what a perfect (albeit unintentional) open-ended finale looks like, go back to that moment in front of the Chase house. Go back to that moment when Angela realizes Brian is the Cyrano to Jordan's Christian. Go back to that moment when anything seems possible, only to have her ride off into the darkness. Wow, that's an ending. Rewatching those episodes now, even all these years later, sometimes Claire is so beautiful it hurts to look at her. To see her blossom from the fumbling wallflower of a girl to an elegant woman of angles has been a treat. It's a bit like getting to see Angela actually grow up. Of course, part of my eternal love for Claire might also be that Angela reminds me of my first girlfriend (hi, honey), who I will always think is pretty. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Watch woman

I haven't seen “Watchmen” yet. But one of the things I love about these big, showy movies is that sometimes some of the very deserving, under appreciated ladies in their casts finally get some spotlight love. And, for “Watchmen,” that lovely is Carla Gugino. You know Carla, she has been acting steadily for the past 20 years. And, whether you realize it or not, she has always had a spot somewhere on your sexy list. She's the girl next door who keeps handcuffs in the dresser drawer. Gosh, who can resist that? Seriously, just try doing simple addition while looking at her in that first photo. Yep, 2 + 2 = hot damn. [Hat tip, Liz!]

Her work spans the starring role in the all-too-short “Karen Sisco” on the small screen to a varied assortment of films from kiddie stuff (“Spy Kids” I & II) to grown-up fare (“American Gangster,” “Righteous Kill”) and, yes, even a Pauly Shore movie (“Son in Law”). Along the way, she has also become a sort of go-to lesbian stand-in for movies large and small. “Jaded.” Lesbian victim. “Center of the World.” Lesbian stripper. “Sin City.” Lesbian (and naked) parole officer. “Rise: Blood Hunter.” Lesbian vampire who makes out with Lucy Liu.

Sure, not all of those films were winners (sadly I've seen them all). But Carla, well, she has always been worth watching. Here's hoping her work as the original Silk Spectre in “Watchmen” means she will finally be in more movies where we stop pressing the fast forward button and just enjoy the sexy.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'll bring the muscle

Dara Torres
Ask and ye shall receive. If it's strong women you want, baby, it's strong women you get. Now anyone who was around during the Summer Olympics knows my fetish admiration for athletic women is boundless. I'm endlessly impressed by “muscularity/toned/athleticism” in women. Heck, I've even theorized before that strong arms are like cleavage for lesbians. They certainly get more overt ogling from me than either T or A. Part my love of athletes is the dedication and work that goes into these glistening bodies and part is because I am a spectacularly clumsy, scrawny, athletically-challenged dork. So, you know, opposites attract.

Dara TorresI think my deep reverence for the accomplishments of this five-time Olympian could best be summed up by the saying: humana humana, humana humana.
Natasha KaiSoccer star. Check. Lesbian. Check. Gold Medal. Check. Tattoos. Check. No, seriously, check out those tattoos.
Natasha Kai

Gina CaranoI'm a lover (or at least aspire to be a lover), and decidedly not a fighter. Still, any way you slice it mixed martial arts fighter (a.k.a. Crush from “American Gladiator”) is a knockout. Seriously. Thud.
Gro HammersengI don't really understand handball other than that it looks hard as hell to play. What I do understand is that 6-feet-tall lesbian Norwegian handball captains have the kind of arm cleavage that renders me temporarily incapable for forming multisyllabic words, or any words at all.
Fabiola da Silva
Fabiola da Silva
When Brazilian inline skater and seven-time X-Games gold medalist reaches for the sky, the sky has to take a step backward. Her skills are so limitless the league had to create the “Fabiola Rule” to allow her to compete against the men. From the looks of things, she could out bench press a bunch of them, too.
Jessica ZelinkaIf muscle definition was an Olympic sport, this Canadian heptathlete would be a world record breaker. Guess she'll just have to settle for being an actual Olympian. Oh, and cute as a button – a really fit button.
Steffi GrafSteffi is my favorite tennis player, and possibly athlete, of all time. Her sheer domination of the sport was nothing short of mesmerizing. Also, I'm pretty sure her famous Vogue photoshoot from 1989 helped make me gay.Steffi Graf