Another Poker Face

Look, I’m as continually perplexed as anyone that Natasha Lyonne is and remains straight. But she also remains one of the most entertaining actresses around, and her new series “Poker Face” looks all kinds of fun. Essentially a crime-of-the-week series from “Glass Onion’s” Rian Johnson, it following a drifter played by Natasha who is essentially a human lie detector. Add in actual lesbians Cherry Jones and Clea DuVall (the latter isn’t in the trailer – at least that I could see – but is in the credits) and the rest of the next-level supporting cast including in no particular order Judith Light, Ellen Barkin and Stephanie “Jobu Tupaki” Hsu you know that sounds entertaining. So bring on the chaos and lies. See, I told you, Peacock has some good shows. No lying.

Music Monday: Miley & Dolly Edition

I know all the queer girlies are still squeeing over that Miley/Fletcher big gay collab during NYE. And while it was certainly hella gay and hella fabulous, my favorite performance from that night was Miley Cyrus and Dolly Parton together. Their duet on a medley of “Wrecking Ball” and “I Will Always Love You” was a powerful reminder that art has no age limit. Go forth and create beautiful things this year. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I will strive to emulate the proudly feral energy of the women of 80s punk rock in the new year. So please enjoy Chrissie Hynde, Debbie Harry, Viv Albertine, Siouxsie Sioux, Poly Styrene and Pauline Black setting the perfect IDGAF/Smash The Patriarchy vibe since before Mick Jagger’s current girlfriend was even born. (Sadly, not hyperbole.) Anyway, 2022? I don’t even know her. Happy weekend and first week of 2023, kittens.

Pre-L: “Quality Family Time” (S5E8)

So “The L Word: Generation Q” ends continues their third season with a “Q” word. And true to that form this season has felt like a transition, with the series leaning heavily on its next generation as the original cast faded more into the background – or completely off screen in many cases. The count of original cast members dwindled, so much so that we we’re only looking Very Shane Today in the season finale. But they also gave fitting conclusions to some of the Ghosts of L Word Past, including making amends for the Max debacle and Dana decision and last, but definitely not least, for making Tibette Endgame. Along the way, this show has managed to show a glorious spectrum of queer families – from those who raised us (for better or for worse) to our chosen families to the families we create out of nothing but our love and determination. Has it all been glorious? No, but I’m still thankful there’s space for a show that focuses entirely on our lives, even when it’s frustrating or dissapointing or batshit crazy. So, will we get another season of the women who long, love, lust? Good question, another one of those Q words.

1. Youths and their extreme scissoring.

2. Is this oat milk? It better be oat milk.

3. Gigi who? Kidding, but seriously, is she no longer on the show?

4. Does Lesiha get paid for this episode just for being on the phone?

5. I counted three edibles, so that turkey is gonna hit different.

6. I always thought Mary McCormack’s character from “In Plain Sight” should have been a lesbian. Now she’s a lesbian’s mom.

7. Oh no, not another throuple. (Kidding, they’d never invite that turkey…I’ll see myself out.)

8. Dani’s Thanksgiving plans win. No contest.

9. I still think it’s not a great idea to work at a bar as a recovering alcoholic, but at least Fin is dressing better.

10. They were just told if they get renewed for a fourth season it’ll be a murder mystery and one of them will end up dead in a pool.

11. Lesbian exes making bad decisions in real time.

11. As I was saying.

12. I wonder if they played musical chairs to see whose storyline would end in a cliffhanger. Well, at least it didn’t involve a pool, yet.

EDIT: Well, I don’t know why I thought this season had 8 episodes, but enjoy the cliffhanger anyway, sapphics.

Women Wondering

Well, here’s some bullshit. No more Wonder Women movies. Yes, we still have to endure that Flash movie from that actor who can’t stop getting arrested and harassing, um, everyone. But the world’s greatest female superhero, Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins? They get unceremoniously dumped because, well, it’s hard to say what the fuck DC/Warner/HBO is doing right now. Look, I loved the first movie and I was greatly disappointed by the second movie. But in my lifetime I’ve also sat through no less than 11 Batman movies. Eight Spider-Man movies. Six Superman movies. And about a bazillion X-Men movies. Yet we get only two shots at Wonder Woman? It’s a wonder why women don’t get as many chances. Real mystery. Plus still owe us that Amazons on Themyscira origin story, let alone more Wonder Women. More super women stories in 2023 and beyond, not less please universe.

Get in the Van

Can I call dibs on a fictional character before they even make their on screen debut? Because DIBS ON ADULT VAN. Dibs, dibs, DIBS. I was worried the show was going to turn her into one of the Wilderness Cult people. But these preview images, the first of Lauren Ambrose fully inhabiting adult Van, have put every last one of those worries at ease. Also, you are welcome for the most excellent casting suggestion, Showtime. Anyway, clearly Adult Van is no mystical forest cult member.

Instead, she’s a GEEK! A GEEK! I mean, what else could the robots and the VHS tapes mean but geekery? So, there you go, one very good thing to look forward to in 2023. Also, just to make things perfectly clear, I have called dibs.

p.s. Um, who was Van’s wilderness plastic surgeon? Because those scars look amazing. Like now all the lesbians will want to be attacked by bears to look extra rugged and hot.

Music Monday: Indigo Girls Forever

Let’s start this new year with some nostalgia and the closest thing we have to a true Lesbian Anthem. While “Closer to Fine” may be celebrating its 36th anniversary this year, it still remains as clarion call to find your own truth whatever your age. And, also, a reminder that it’s only life, after all. Happy Monday and 2023, kittens.

My Year-End Crush

This was, to say the least, not my year. But, if I think hard enough there were some good things about this past year. Like, if I think really, really hard. Like I watched some good stuff this year, so there is that. Here are the favorite things I watched in 2022.

Movies: Everything Everywhere All At Once

Despite all the multiverse madness/dildo fights in this insane, kaleidoscope of a movie, its story boils down quite simply to love your lesbian daughter, and your life. So, obviously, I loved this movie. Obviously.

TV: Station Eleven

As much as I love, love, loved “Yellowjackets” and “A League of Their Own” and “High School” and “Somebody Somewhere” and season 2 of “Hacks” and season 2 of “Girls5Eva” and season 2 of "Abbott Elementary" (and none for you, final season of “Killing Eve” because you know what you did…), the series that moved me the most this past year was the one about the end of the world. Something about this quiet, thoughtful and against all odds filled with hope apocalypse show just stuck with me. This is a kinder, gentler but no less profound look at how we might rebuild something of meaning from the rubble of our modern lives.

Music: Joni & Brandi

Brandi Carlile and friends bringing back Joni Mitchell to sing at this summer’s Newport Folk Festival wasn’t just inspired and deeply moving. It was a reminder that the luckiest amongst us get to see our art and truths deepen over the years. Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, unfortunately. But truly beautiful things have a way of touching the parts of us that defy space and time.

So, what were your favorites this wretched year? Buh-bye, 2022. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. But thanks for the good stuff to watch, I guess. Happy weekend and New Year, all.

Pre-L: “Little Boxes” (S3E7)

I know, I still can’t get over how much I liked the musical episode. The Power of Dana, I suppose. Now that we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming it feels like this season is all about recurring themes from the original. Micah & Maribel getting desperate for a donor sperm feels very O.G. Bette & Tina Season 1. And if you really want to stretch things, you can say the Angie/Teacher storyline is a distant mirror of the Tim/Swim Team Girl thing in reverse. Also Leisha gets sole O.G. duty in this episode with no Shane and the continued on screen memory holing of Bette & Tina.

1. Can we put all of her whole storyline on ice, not just her nipples?

2. Like I could write an entire lesbian romance novel from this one image alone. Hot Butches Bowling would be an instant bestseller, obviously.

3. I’m actually here for all this intergenerational lesbroing.

4. This is the Spider-Man pointing meme come to life.

5. Fine, Sophie does look great in that dress. It pains me to say this as she is also clearly Generation Q’s Jenny Schecter.

6. Remember when Dani was going to jail for her family’s role in profiteering from the opioid epidemic? Lol, now she’s escorting lesbian pop royalty while wearing matching Miami Vice blazers. I love a good between-season character reboot.

7. Is it finally time to unleash Mama B and Mama T on that future Me Too lawsuit in training?

8. I feel bad for the new love interests on this show. None of them tend to stick around too long, no matter how cute.

9. If you think Fletcher was stunt guest casting, never forget that Snoop Dogg was on the original series. And not as himself! So was Gloria Steinem, but she got to be herself.

10. If Donald Faison’s whole purpose on this show was to unite Alice with Piddles 2, well, a grateful nation thanks you for your service.

11. What, you’re crying. The Dana stuff last week hit hard, OK. I’m still recovering.

12. Maybe it’s because I too have been recently dumped, but Fin’s chaotic, unhousebroken golden retriever shtick didn’t bother me as much this week.

13. Like, this romance novel writes itself.

Scrap Cap:

Alice’s true love is pussy. Go figure.

Vacation Vixen: Charlize Theron

“The Old Guard” sequel is one of the things I’m looking forward to most in 2023. Charlize Theron and her alternative lifestyle haircut kicking ass and hopefully being super gay along the way? Look, all my New Year’s resolutions can’t be profound. Some of them are just to fully enjoy (respectfully) ogling a hot movie star.

Vacation Vixen: Michelle Yeoh

I want Michelle to win all the awards this season ALL. THE. AWARDS. Wearing a tank top and flexing dem guns only makes my insistence on this fact STRONGER.

Music Monday: Snowman Edition

Hope all of you who celebrate had a warm and lovely Christmas. May you be warm, safe and loved this season. I’m taking this week off, but I will be posting Vixens. And, if I can get it to work, a Pre-L. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Christmas Crush

@nicole_coenen Happy Holidays Everyone! #happyholidays #donwenowourgayapparel #gaychristmas #plaid #woodchopping #lesbian #wlw #lesbiansoftiktok #queertok #lumberjack #lesbianlumberjack #maplemommy #canada #canadian #winterwonderland #tellmeyourecanadian ♬ original sound - Nicole Maple Coenen

I've been a tad blue this holiday season. But this has certainly helped me feel more merry and bright. If you're also having a difficult Christmas (or even if you are having a wonderful Christmas), may I also recommend the fine citizens of the Pacific Northwest illustrating both figuratively and literally that The Struggle is very real this time of year for many.

Pre-L: "Questions for the Universe" (306)

Suffering Sappho! The rumors are true. Yes, lesbians, there is a musical episode of “The L Word: Generation Q.” I mean, holy shit, not even Ilene Chaiken had the unbridled audacity to do a musical episode when she was showrunner. And she gave us circus tent drama and a surprise murder mystery. So, truly, nothing should shock us. And yet I was absolutely, positively stunned that…I kinda loved it. I mean, yeah, it’s kinda weird and total tonal whiplash to throw in the middle of some fairly serious storylines. But, you know what, it’s also kinda fun. Since it’s launch, I’ve said TLW:GQ is a better constructed, more competent show than its original predecessor. But it’s also a little more boring and a lot less fun. But these left field musical shenanigans? No, it doesn’t make sense in the context of this season. Yes, I still kinda loved it. Honestly, allowing the character to express their core feelings over elaborate musical set pieces kinda works. I dunno, maybe my brain has just melted from watching almost nine seasons of this show. Maybe I’ve gotten soft in my old age. But, yeah, I kinda really loved it. Honestly, it feels like this whole season has been an exercise in how to exorcise your past, tie up ends that needed typing and even apologize for past wrongs. Like, if they introduce a Sounder II we’ll know it’s gone too far. But for now? Yeah, kinda love it. My suggestion, just sit back and enjoy the trip.

1. When looking very Shane today is a very bad thing.

2. Look, at least they didn’t make Alice join the Hollywood sex cult.

3. I know, at this point it’s all going to seem like a terrible idea.

4. Oh Lesbian Captain, My Lesbian Captain

5. What in the WandaVision?

6. I immediately demand a whole show about 80s Alice.

7. Dana. Just Dana.

8. Yes. They. Did.

9. Can’t stop, won’t stop.

10. Stand on all the tables you want, we still don’t care.

11. I feel like Musical Shane just wandered off the set of A League of Their Own.

12. This makes up for Waterfall Dana.

13. Thank you, Erin Daniels.

14. Does this shot oddly remind anyone of an alternate universe Evelyn McHale? (Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm)

15. Never forget, Leisha Hailey is also a damn fine musician. I absolutely loved The Murmurs.

16. Yes, I am also freaked out by how much I loved this episode.

Scrap Cap:

Dana and cats. I want to go to there.