Pre-L: Luck Be a Lady

L406 - “Luck Be a Lady”

1) You’re looking very Shane today. Shane, not so much.2) Alice is a yenta. And an underwear supporter. It’s adorable.

3) All lesbians should conference call all conversations.

4) Can Tina talk without veins popping out in her neck? Nope. 5) Someone, anyone, please give Kit something to do.

6) Papi explains the rules of seducation, er, poker. 7) Which is wicked hotter: Vulnerable Bette or Alpha Bette? 8) Tasha can handle her bitches. And be all that she can be. 9) Max grows a pair. Metaphorically.

10) Debbie Downer/Jenny finally realizes her own crazy. 11) I would kill to have Alice flirt with me for 5 seconds. Seriously.

12) Paige makes meatloaf sound sexy. 13) Helena feels lucky. Please note the number to the left.

Guestbian Count: 1
[Sandrine Holt as Catherine Rothberg]

Best Advice: “Re-break up with her. Because some lesbians, you know what, you have to break up with more than once.” - Bette

Best Introduction: “This is Jennifer fucking Schecter, the lunatic whose book I reviewed.” - Stacey

Best Excuse to Put Shane in Underwear:

My Weekend Crush

Anna Nicole Smith was the last of the big, beautiful, bodacious good-time girls. She was in no way my type, but at her best she seemed like fun. Sure, she was no feminist or even post-feminist role model. She took the bombastic blonde bombshell role to the limit and beyond. Her obvious attributes were always the point. And say what you will about her equally obvious shortcomings, but there was never a mean edge to her public persona. Unlike today’s crop of Famous for Being Famous girls, Anna Nicole never disparaged anyone’s lady business or started feuds with former BFFs. She was what she was – the sexy, silly, slurry life of the party. Because of that, she was also an easy punch line. Even as her life took a tragic turn with the death of her son and the legal wrangling over her true baby daddy, Anna Nicole was a go-to cymbal crash. Now, as the aftermath of her death plays out like a farce on national television, perhaps we all feel just a little guilty for laughing along. May she find a peace she never found in life. Happy weekend, all.

A mea culpa for Norbit

Hey Eddie Murphy, you just got nominated for an Oscar, what are you going to do next?
Sometimes these jokes just write themselves…

Eye Candy

Yes, the fashion world is rife with unrealistic and unhealthy and unattainable images of the female form. Yes, it’s superficial and elitist and inconsequential. Yes, it’s undoubtedly contributing to the hole in the ozone layer and the deforestation of the Amazon and the clubbing of small, defenseless kittens. I know all of these things; I am against all of these things. Yet still, while looking through pictures from NY’s Fashion Week, I had to stop for a minute. Because every once in a while, the sheer aesthetics took over and I remembered, “Oh right, models are pretty.” Well, some of them, at least. Hey, you’ve just got to give beauty its due.

Ellen DeGeneres: Glamour Goddess

We’ve seen Ellen: The Covers, now it’s time for Ellen: The Fashion Spread. W has a photo gallery of Ellen’s shoot, complete with a great picture of her and Portia. Look at Ellen’s thumb tucked all snug into Portia’s pocket. Oh, the cuteness. I like the smoky eyes the stylists gave her, too, very dramatic and different. Though what is it with stylists all wanting to give Ellen raccoon eyes, so to speak? Snicker. I’m not in love with the heels she has on in the first shot either. They just don’t mesh. Even the way they’re sitting on her feet looks a little, I don’t know, awkward. But these are but trifles. Overall, Ellen looks amazing. I believe the words hot and damn are in order. For outtakes, check out JustJared. And, just to keep both contingents of the Glam Ellen/Suave Ellen debate happy, here is another shot from The Advocate spread.

I see London, I see France

We all know about the rash of underwear shunning stars. And as bad as the overexposed lady parts are, do celebrities really have to swing to the opposite spectrum to show that they, indeed, are wearing their unmentionables? Plus, what’s up with the granny panties? Could it have been both Sienna Miller and Oksana Baiul laundry day? Ladies, they’re called underpants, not outerpants.

We’re off to see the Wizard

Finally, a fashion show I can get behind. Well, besides all those shows with ladies in really nice suits. Heatherette unveiled its funky, fun show earlier this week and what did I spy with my little eye? Oz, people, Oz! As in “The Wizard of” and Dorothy. And Toto and Scarecrow and Tin Man.

Cover Girl

America’s favorite lesbian next door Ellen DeGeneres graces not one, but two covers this month -- W and The Advocate. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of Elleny goodness. Simply pick your favorite flavor: glossy, gauzy, cleavagey Ellen or tousled, tuxedoed, sophisticated Ellen. I’m for the latter, but you already know all about my weakness for a lady in a killer suit. In the W interview, Ellen talks about everything from her relationship with Portia to her career resuscitation to the death of her first girlfriend and how it inspired her now-famous monologue “A Phone Call to God.” It’s an interesting read, so give it a look. The Advocate article hails her for finding her “inner Cary Grant.” Well, in that picture, yes. I’m trying to think of another time when an out lesbian was on the cover of two major magazines at the same time and I’m drawing a blank. Plus with her Oscar hosting gig right around the corner, more can’t be far behind. Hello history.

Gray zone

“Gray Matters” closed the Santa Barbara International Film Festival Sunday. In attendance for the premiere of the new lesbo-rific rom-com were the film’s star, Heather Graham, and co-star, the L Word’s own Rachel Shelley. Now I can’t vouch for the movie, because I haven’t seen it yet. But I can vouch for the cuteness of the premiere pictures. Look at Heather with her kicky boots and kickier attitude. She’s either really happy to be playing a lesbian or really happy to be close to Rachel. Either seems like a perfectly reasonable reason for euphoria to me.

Four reasons awards season makes me happy

Oh no, she di’nt... Yes, she did. She really, really did.

Blogging fool, emphasis on fool

Today marks an auspicious event in my short, but colorful blogistory. Today, I will begin blogging for AfterEllen’s Best. Lesbian-ish. Day. Ever. No way. Way. No Way! Way! NO WAY! WAY! I’m going to give it a shot and see if this bird can fly. And by bird I mean “Can I” and by fly I mean “Not Suck.”

I’m sure you have questions, chief among them, “Why is this fool blogging for two sites now?” Good question. And sadly, I can’t help you there. But I can answer some of your other burning, thought hopefully not itching, questions.

1. Yes, of course, I will keep updating Surrenders. Expect new posts, every day, as ordered. Hold the mayo.
2. No, I don’t think the quantity or quality (or lack thereof, depending on your perspective) of posts here will suffer.
3. Yes, I do think the quantity and quality of my sleep will suffer. Greatly.
4. No, I can’t get you Sarah Warn’s number.
5. Ditto for Scribe Grrrl
6. Ditto for any other AfterEllen contributor you have a writer-crush on.
7. Seriously, I mean it. Stop asking. You can keep sending bribes. But realize that these “bribes” will be reclassified as “charitable donations” as soon as they arrive.
8. Yes, fearless readers, you are my first love. My raison d’être. My ball and chain. Er, wait, I didn’t mean that last part, sweetie. Seriously, sweetie?
9. No, I won’t dump you for those AfterEllen temptresses. Brazen hussies.
10. Yes, I think you’re pretty.

Thanks for reading. You make all of the sleep deprivation worth it.

Some kind of un-Wonderful

Well bugger. Buffy mastermind and all-around genius Joss Whedon is no longer attached to the upcoming “Wonder Woman” movie. But as further evidence of the coolness that is Joss, he went straight to his fans to break the bad news. He posted on Whedonesque saying that the problem boiled down to different takes on the Amazon princess.

“I had a take on the film that, well, nobody liked….Let me stress first that everybody at the studio and Silver Pictures were cool and professional. We just saw different movies, and at the price range this kind of movie hangs in, that’s never gonna work. Non-sympatico.”

Given Joss’s ability to create strong, complex and original heroines, this is clearly Wonder Woman’s loss. And ours. Sigh.

Pre-L: Lez Girls

L405 - “Lez Girls”

1) We get up close and personal with Max. Too personal.
2) Angus. The nanny. Even Tina’s storyline is better than this.
3) Jenny goes back to the vet. If only she’d put herself down.4) Phyllis discovers “The Whole Lesbian Sex Book.” Good luck with that Alice.5) Bette and Tina try to do lunch. Emphasis on try.
6) Jenny gets published in “The New Yorker.” Seriously, will someone please PUT HER DOWN!
7) Paige is, what I believe the kids these days would call, a MILF.8) Helena is a caterer. Oh, and she’s also a mother, remember?
9) Alice makes a new friend. A friend with a motorcycle. 10) Jodi and Bette get their Amsterdam on. I may pass out.New Guestbian Count: 1
[Rose Rollins as Tasha]
Best Line (Possibly Ever): “I don’t kiss girls who wear doilies.” - Alice
Best Fake Research Topic: “The gentle manatees of Northeast Florida.” - Jenny

My Weekend Crush

That vest. That tie. That smile. I’m such an embarrassingly smitten kitten. At 61, Diane Keaton is as radiant, as vibrant, as stylish and as sexy as ever. From “Annie Hall” to “Baby Boom” and even those L’Oreal ads, Diane brings her quirky charm and underrated beauty to each role. So what if her new, bland, homogenously-titled film “Because I Said So” looks like a tired mash-up of “Something’s Gotta Give”/“Hanging Up”/“The Upside of Anger” -- I’m still going to check it out. And not for Lauren Graham (though she is yummy) and not for Piper Perabo and definitely not for Mandy Moore. I’m all about, as Alice would say, trying an older vintage. Plus, did you know last year Diane starred in the TV movie “Surrender Dorothy.” It’s fate, I tell you. Fate. Happy weekend, all.

There she goes again

Well, geez, that was a surprise. I’m one of five finalists in the 2006 Lesbian Blog of the Year awards over at The Lesbian Lifestyle. Thanks to you, my ego has again been stroked and now I’m purring like a fat cat. Or, possibly a lioness. My ego is pretty big these days. And becoming more unruly by the second. Anyway, onto the details, click on over to TLL to vote for yours truly – or another one of the talented finalists – from now until Feb. 17. My fellow nominees:

• Girl Punch
• Hahn At Home
• Ham & Cheese on Wry
• Tina-cious

Congrats, ladies. Now, get your vote on.

Bettylicious

Oh, Ugly Betty. You had me at ponch-o. Every time I watch, I giggle like an idiot. Sure, you’re getting dangerously close to “Will & Grace” levels of gueststar-itis (For those keeping score at home, we’ve seen Salma Hayek, Debi Mazar, Gina Gershon, Kathy Griffin, Rebecca Romijn, Tim Gunn and Katharine McPhee. Still to come are Lucy Liu, Jerry O’Connell and Naomi Campbell). But last night’s episode was fantastic. No, wait, it was gaytastic. Yes, that’s a word. No, don’t look it up. Trust me. Highlights: Wilhelmina using Marc as her “seeing-eye gay.” Justin as television’s most adorable future gay. Alex turned Alexis explaining her transition to Daniel (Max could learn a thing or six from her in the compelling, concise transcharacter department). And Amanda screeching, “She’s a model, shiny things confuse her.” Watch it now on ABC. It’s Friday. No one in the office will notice.

Lesbians are mean

I was looking for information on the new film “Gray Matters” - otherwise known as “Heather Graham’s lesbian movie”- when I came across this article from Cinema Blend (via Daily Dose of Queer, thanks!). Now while I think the reviewer is right about this strange mini-trend of mainstream lesbian romantic comedies, I’m not sure I follow him on the “mean-spirited” thing. He used last year’s “Imagine Me & You” and the upcoming “Gray Matters” as examples where lesbians are made to “look like heartless, brutal, selfish, conniving bitches.” OK, well, that’s one perspective. While I thought “Imagine Me & You” was a bit light and a wee contrived, the last thing I would ever call it was mean. Perhaps mean because I don’t get to go home to Lena Headey, but that’s my issue and I’m working on it. And sure, neither film is a likely Oscar winner or particularly deep. But genuinely mean spirited? Really? So any movie where the girl gets the girl over another guy is mean spirited? No one calls movies where the guy gets the girl over another guy mean spirited. They call them light, frothy, fun and romantic. Yeah, I’m going to call bullshit on that or perhaps just sore loser. Wait, wait, did I say that last bit out loud?

Knock me out

What rock have I been living under the past year? Apparently a big, heavy, sound-proof rock, because I was just floored by Lily Allen. Sure, I’d heard her name tossed about as a new, hot, cute, young thing to watch. But I swatted all the chatter away like hype-infected tsetse flies. Be gone with you. Buzz about me no more. Wow, was I wrong. I just streamed the album at AOL and bring back those buzzing buggers. She is spunky. She is sassy. She is all those other complimentary “s” adjectives. Like her fellow pint-sized British import, Lady Sovereign, Lily brings in da noise, da funk and da fun. Ladies, let’s declare “Knock ‘Em Out” our official going out anthem, shall we? And no you can't have my number. “Why?” Because I've lost my phone. Brilliantly cheeky.

UPDATE: If you’re still not convinced, catch Lily on SNL this weekend. Seeing is believing.

Another great gal is gone

Another fine Texas lady has left us. Syndicated columnist and best-selling author Molly Ivins died yesterday after a long battle with breast cancer. The best little hell raiser in Texas was 62. I’ve been a fan of Molly’s since a friend gave me her first book, “Molly Ivins Can't Say That, Can She?” back in high school. I roared with laughter through all 304 pages. She was a rabble rouser in the best, most authentic sense. Her irreverent take on the absurdity of our government came from a place of genuine love for this country and the potential of our democratic process. Plus, she was as bleeding as hearts come. Any woman who calls Dubya “Shrub” is good people in my book. I will miss her words, I will miss her humor, I will miss heart.

Annie Hall this

While I think her new movie looks – how should I say this nicely – pretty bad, Diane Keaton looks – how should I say this nicely – smoking hot. Look at her working those jeans and that simple white shirt on the red carpet for “Because I Said So.” Damn. She outshines her shiny co-stars/faux daughters Mandy Moore and Piper Perabo with ease. And grace. And, sweet fancy Moses, have I mentioned that Diane Keaton looks hot?