From Cannes, with love

Oh, Cannes. The film festival is a brief, glamorous flash that can only come from the synergy of the French Riviera, movie stars and ooh la la. It’s been a couple months since we saw such a mass of famous faces all gussied up together (Oh, award season, how I miss your wealth of posting possibilities). Yesterday, the stars came out in their finest for the premiere of “My Blueberry Nights,” starring Jude Law, Norah Jones and Natalie Portman. Sure, they all look magnifique, but what were they really thinking?

French actress Judith Godrèche

Look, it’s a heart, over my heart. Get it? It symbolizes love, or something. But definitely not my left breast. Seriously, stop looking at my left breast. Note to self: Never be late with Jean-Pierre’s paycheck or that little fruitcake of a stylist will get all passive aggressive on you. Hey, buster, stop staring at my boob! Fuck it, who has a shawl?

Maggie Cheung

Oh shit, this can’t end well.

Norah to Jude

Hey, Jude. Look, I know you think you’re still the beaming golden boy we all fell in love with from “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” but time has passed. And it has passed all over your hairline. Not to mention your charm. So, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, get your skeezy hand off my waist. Where is Sienna Miller when you need her? Oh, and the Blues Brothers called, they want their sunglasses back.

Unknown smiling guy who is probably someone important and why don’t I know him, duh, between Sarah Polley and Toni Collette

Score. Wait until my ex-wife sees this picture.

The Three Graces: Andie MacDowell, Gong Li and Kerry Washington

[All Together] Damn, it’s like the United Colors of Hotness up on this red carpet. Suck it, Pussycat Dolls. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like this. Plus, “cha” isn’t even a word. Idiots.