Super Sellers

Yes, yes. I watched/snacked my way through the Super Bowl. Like everyone did. It was, after all, the most watched TV program in the history of television. (Thanks, Taylor.) And, yes, yes, I saw all the ads. While I basically enjoyed the whole Super Bowl extravaganza (despite rooting for the Niners - sorry, Taylor), I have to say with a few days perspective the whole thing has left me with a bit of a hangover. No, not from anything I consumed. Just from the conspicuous and existential consumption the whole spectacle has come to represent.

I mean, any TV show that a significant percentage of people tune into specifically for the advertisements is starting in a bizarro world of consumption. And while celebrity stunt casting is nothing new in Super Bowl ads, the sheer volume of famous people willing to hawk basically anything and everything (cell service, facial moisturizer, auto insurance, literally mayonnaise) was a little shocking.

Like, Patrick Stewart, you were in a gazillion Star Trek movies and shows, but you have to pretend to throw a cartoon child for a streaming service? And Arnold Schwarzenegger, you were the freaking governor of California! Come on, Tina Fey, I literally just paid almost $300 to see you live. Martin Fucking Scorsese? Is everyone broke? I mean, I get it, get paid or whatever. But, is there ever just enough for anyone?

Plus, the trend of packing an ever-increasing number of random celebrities into commercials together (Is that Glenn Close? Oh, Pete Davidson again.) continues unabated. May this star-stuffing trend reaches its zenith soon before we’re all subjected to some 21st Generation “We Are the World” singalong for an athletic shoe brand. Honestly, there were so many celebrities in ads that they basically all blended together. Which is kind of hilarious because the whole point of paying these folks is to stand out from the crowd and instead it’s just one big blurry crowd.

But, hey, it’s their $7 million to spend, I guess. Oh, yeah, that’s right. Each of those 30-second ads cost $7 million. I’ll try not to spiral too much while I think about what good could be done with $7 million that would last a whole lot more than 30 seconds for a whole lot more people.

Also, don’t get me started on all the Jesus ads, particularly the Jesus Feet ads from those anti-LGBTQ+, anti-abortion backers. And that RFK Jr. ad, well, that anti-vax loon is no Jack Kennedy - that’s for damn sure.

Look, I’m as susceptible to the bread and circus of late-stage capitalism as the next person. And, again, I totally watched and generally enjoyed the Super Bowl. I also ate, and generally enjoyed, a plate of chicken wings. But, I can’t help but think we all need some spiritual (but definitely not in the Jesus Feet way) Tums to deal with the queasy feelings brought forth by our annual spectacle of conspicuous consumption.

Still, if we’re all gonna over-consume, I want equal representation! So while this Super Bowl wasn’t overtly gay in any way (sorry, Gaylors), we did have some famous family score tickets like Lady Gaga and Janelle Monae and Queen Latifah and Ice Spice. Sorry, fellas, looks like you really only got Tim Cook. Guess all the interesting gay boys were doing something else.

As far as queer representation in the ads, we had a lesbian couple in VW’s “Here’s Our History (Just Not the Nazi stuff)” ad. And Kate McKinnon loves her mayo. And Aubrey Plaza does the Dew (with Ron Swanson on a dragon which, yeah, OK, that extra celebrity cameo made me laugh). And Dan Levy tried to use reverse psychology to make us go to Homes.com, I think. I didn’t really get the point of his ads — was it to make a generally extremely likable famous person seem unlikable, because that’s what I got out of them.

And, finally, there was Jennifer Beals. Actually, two Super Bowl ads this year referenced Jennifer’s iconic Flashdance dance (we all know the one, cue the water). The first was the animated one for Nerds, which then featured an influencer whose name I can’t remember as its celeb cameo. And then there was the T-Mobile ad with Jason Mamoa, the dudes from Scrubs and a surprise cameo by Jennifer and a garden hose. (See what I was saying about increasingly random celebrity cameos in ads?) Granted, I loved having a little Bette Porter representation during the Big Game. But, alas, the endless consumerism (in Vegas, no less) made me want to go find a quiet place to think it all over. Or, at the very least, find a moment to myself where no one was trying to sell me a single thing. Unless, that is, Jennifer wants to come over with her garden hose.