Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Lesbians on a Stake

It’s not even the new year yet and two films are already vying for your campy gay dollar. In one corner, “Bitch Slap.” Oh, kittens, you know “Bitch Slap” what with its boobs kick-ass women, boobs big-ass explosions and boobs teeny-tiny assassin named Hot Pocket. And in the other corner we have “Lesbian Vampire Killers.” Clearly, the producers were going for “Snakes on a Plane” levels of clarity when it came to the name. Yet in that seemingly simple three-word title the thorny issues of grammar and syntax still manage to rear their heads. Are these lesbian vampires who kill? Or are these people who kill lesbian vampires? Turns out it’s the latter, which kind of makes me less excited. And, oddly enough, so does the trailer.

You see, the thing about “Bitch Slap” that has me so excited is that its three super-sexy stars seem to be in on the joke. They are the sheroes. Sure, they wear short skirts and flash ample cleavage, but from all appearances they’re the ones in charge. But with “Lesbian Vampire Killers,” the lesbians are, well, the prey. They are the hunted. They are there to titillate the menfolk but ultimately meet the business end of a very pointy stick. And that is just an entirely different dynamic. Now, I could be wrong. It’s hard to make an accurate assessment from 51-seconds of largely voiceovers and bold-faced fonts. (Side Note: Um, did the “Lesbian Vampire Killers” people have to copy the exact same font as the “Bitch Slap” people? Originality: Fail.)

Taken separately all the parts of “Lesbian Vampire Killers” should bring me joy. Killers? OK, why not. Vampires? Sure, I loved Spike. And lesbians? Thank you, ma’ma, may I have another! Yet it just doesn’t fill me with the same ohmyfuckinggodhowawesomewasthat glee as “Bitch Slap.” Granted, none of its stars have emailed me yet either. So, you know, I can be swayed. But right now when it comes to my campy gay dollar you know where I’m going. Bitch, please.

p.s. Hmm, that exited/excited thing was entirely accidental/Freudian in nature. Must seek couch now.


Lezlie Mac said...

51 seconds is a bit short...
Bring the BitchSlap back !!
When do we get exclusive Surrenders' photo shot & interview of the Bitchslap divas ?

Come on...it's Christmas...Pretty please?

Unknown said...

and of course, "Bitch" has it Lucy Lawless Renee O'Connor moments which is enough to make one happy.
Also, given her history, for months now I've been thinking that Laurel Holloman could have been a perfect casting for a movie called Lesbian vampire killers.

roark said...

Bitch Slap looks to be the clear choice.

That teaser trailer for LVK is not even sucktacular. It's pitiful.

ohio*LEZ-girl*in*NYC said...

I can't decide which looks better...I'm not ashamed to admit it, but all of the breasts going on in BitchSlap?! Yes, Please!

Natazzz said...

Why choose?

I happen to think both movies are totally awesome.

I heart that little LVK trailer. I like how they don't take themselves too seriously. And well, I like bad vampire movies and lesbians in general, so what's not to like?

J9 said...

Wow, I e-mail a question on Bitch Slap Release date, and all of a sudden, a post on the movie and comparing it to Lesbian Vampire Killers - cool. I'd rather see Lesbian Vampires who Kill, as I'm presuming they would need fresh blood to survive. Unless they are the less killingy "vegetarian" vampires of the Twilight realm?
Anywho, I'm distracted by boobs.

the pants said...

I was wondering if you purposely typed "excited" as "exited" twice in this post.

let me dance said...

um..after i post something yesterday, i felt someone annoying at me..(-_-);;;

but i was sleepy anyway.

um..i like the first pic especially, the corner. i mean
the edge? looks sandpapered? let me forget about grammar. and the pic and the type look very organizing even the person dealing
something..interesting subjet though. i like the idea, incouraging people to shout boobs...(-_-);;; in a very gentle way..

so my point is i got it. (-_-)/

thank you for the post.

besides, did you make the pic looks
like old or it just old pic?

one more, do you believe telling details are boring? but it's better
to communicate, it's not artistic but..how do you think?

let me dance said...

i mean my grammar (-_-)+

Anonymous said...

I must see these movies. For uh, research purposes. Laughed at the bewildered announcement of the title but that was about it. Still, will definately take a peek.

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

I'm reserving my commentary until I see Lesbian Vampire Killers. If it has inscrutable dialogue, it might fly, ya know? Something like, "The demon pygmy goat is the sire!" then I'm right there with them :)
Oh, btw, if the sire is a woman, do they still call it a sire? Shouldn't it be a dam (I'm basing the terminology on horse parentage, since with horses it's sires)? See, this is why the patriarchy has to be destroyed. Too much guy crap lumped into general vampire references. I for one find it appalling.

Anonymous said...

James Cordon's in it? I should have known.

He is the guy that is laughed with because once upon a time a guy that was actually funny laughed with him. He's not funny. He's just the prey of pop culture.

Unknown said...

I was kind of hoping that LVK meant lesbians who killed vampires, becaust that's a great set-up. You know, what with vampirism being a metaphor for sexuality, and all those kind of smarmy male vamps thinking it's just a breeze to "seduce" any woman - and then along come the LVK and WHAM!

But no.

maclay said...

I'm gonna have to go with Bitch Slap here, seems to me that with Bitch Slap we're in on the joke, whereas with LVK the joke isn't really worth being in on. And it's got all the Xena-connections, which kinda adds to the must-see factor.

Plus I have to agree with Anon about James Corden - he's not that funny.

Anonymous said...

um...get a grip guys, they BOTH sucked to extreme measures. My problem is figuring which sucked LEAST for god sake. They were both geek-porn (big guns, big tits, swords and dragons etc) on one side and the classic lesbians on the other. I learned a long time ago (Im an artist) that the only thing that sells artistically anymore is "Lesbian Asian Vampire Elves" and thats all I draw. Largely to you fellow posting geeks here. Being my target audience, more power to you.