Michelle Rodriguez shoots straight back

As has become the trend with so many celebrities these days, Michelle Rodriguez has gone to the internet to set the record straight. And by straight, I mean non-gay. The actress recently labeled as bisexual by Curve magazine (Lord, don’t get me started on that oh-so-stellar piece of journalism again), wrote a rambling and roaming post on her official website responding to the story. I’ll let you read the whole thing yourself (just be warned, between the small font size, random capitalization and misspelling of the past participle of “be,” you will need some ibuprofen or perhaps a stiff drink -- preferably both).

I’ll give you the unedited highlights with my interpretation below. I had considered responding with interpretive dance, but it’s no fun to watch someone roll into a ball and whimper.

“I thought I would Update you guys on what's going on lately, I know I've bin quiet, for the most part anyway. As far as rumors go of me coming out, I guess curve magazine took it upon themselves to out me on the premise of their own suspicions. Whatever, I'm not insulted, I have a big lesbian following, and for whatever reasons they show me love I'm never going to shun, disrespect or neglect anybody who shows me genuine non-psychotic Love.”

Right, so what I’m taking away from this is that perhaps lesbians should be more choosy about who they show love to.

“Look, I guess what I'm trying to say ultimately is that, if I wanted people to know what I do with my Vagina I would have released A sex video a long time ago. Yet i haven't done that. You know why? Because extremists can rarely be mediators, mass communicators, or chameleons for that matter. I have bin an extremist in my personal life, Yes. Yet I have never really over stepped the boundaries consciously in the public eye.”

Hmm, is she saying everyone who is out is an extremist? Or that everyone who releases a sex tape is an extremist? Because I think a more accurate term for the latter would be an exhibitionist.

“If I were Ellen I may get away with: ' The I'm Gay' level of exposure, but I'm not a comedian, I like men; ( real One's Anyway) and I've only bin in this business for 7 years not 20. Years of recognition can give a person lots of leverage especially if you have many years of positive recognition under your belt. There are certain things that can close doors between a celebrity and certain audiences.”

Uh, so I believe here she is saying that if she didn’t like men, she would be ready to come out in about 13 years.

“I want to communicate on a worldly scale, i don't care if your a bigot, highly religious, gay, poor, rich,stupid, or intelligent, i close no door when it comes to my media work. Some people, ( I call them 'the sheep People'), are highly susceptible to outside influences and suggestions, Especially that of recognizable media channels. These people may make up most of the worlds population. They may not want to even watch a film I produce, direct, or star in, because of Mediocre Rumors produced by insect sucubus media hounds looking for a quick buck.”

While I appreciate her ambitious (attempted) use of the word “succubus,” somehow I feel the irony of its definition might be lost on her.

Listen, I respect Michelle’s right to come out on her own terms, but I take issue with her reasoning. She thinks she can’t come out or even be perceived as gay (really, she kind of flip-flops between the two) because people will hate her irrationally. Well, duh. Welcome to the club. And you know what the solution to that is? More people coming out. Fear of the unknown motivates most of the hatred in this world. And the more people see that gay people are normal and everywhere (and famous), the less they will be able to randomly hate us. No one said doing the right thing was easy or painless. But progress doesn’t come without courage.

Basically, this whole thing makes me tired. And it makes me think that possibly Michelle has a lot of storage issues at home. Otherwise, why else would she keep talking about all those bins?