Sunday, December 31, 2006

My Queer Year's Resolutions

Sure, sure. We all make and promptly break New Year's resolutions. Eat less. Exercise more. Stick to a budget. Make a budget. Volunteer for a worthy cause. Finally finish "War & Peace." Etc. Etc. Etc.

But instead of focusing my own flaws (of which, clearly, there are none) this New Year's, I resolve to dissect other people's problems. So, without further ado, I give you my five resolutions in hopes of making 2007 as gay a year as possible.
  1. For Rosie O'Donnell: Stop and think - really, really think - before you speak. Stop entering needless feuds with other celebrities. Stop offending entire ethnicities with your ignorance. Stop crying homophobia over insignificant incidents. And, for God's sake, stop writing your blog in haiku.
  2. For the writers of "The L Word": Rediscover your sense of humor. It's that thing located above your sense of impending doom and penchant for killing off beloved characters. That thing that is generally followed by the sound of laughter and people enjoying themselves. That thing that makes us feel happy instead of like slitting our wrists after we watch each week.
  3. For Sarah Paulson: Win that Golden Globe and plant a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Cherry Jones on your way to the podium.
  4. For Jodie Foster/Queen Latifah/Michelle Rodriguez/et al: Come out. Make it official. Bring a friend. Your toaster ovens are waiting.
  5. For Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz: Consider lesbianism. Preferably with each other. Preferably with pictures. That's all.
Happy New Year, all.


Anonymous said...

Rosie O'Donnell is being payed to share her opinions on The View. I think she does a great job of it! She's a comedian and is very funny. Some people don't have a sense of humor!

Sure some of what she has said may be controversial, but she's not afraid to speak her mind. I like that.

If anyone should shut up, it's the Donald!

Anonymous said...

Hey anonymous - "payed" should actually be spelled "paid" in case you were wondering... I agree with what you had to say, the payed just bugged me. Dorothy Rocks! ttfn!

Anonymous said...

Well actually I wasn't wondering, but thanks for pointing it out. Normally I spot my own spelling errors, however in this instance I'm glad I gave you cause to add a comment. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Very funny post, Dorothy! Ditto the one about Lucy Liu - seriously, what HAS happened to her career?

Great blog!

-- Sarah Warn

contrary mary said...

Forgive my ignorance, but what's the deal with the toaster ovens? Popped over on the link to YouTube to find "This video has been removed due to terms of use violation."

And while I'm bemoaning my lack of insight, I can't visit the L Word site neither because "these pages are intended for access only from within the United States."

Intrigued, deprived and ignorant UK citizen - who's less anonymous than Anonymous or Anonymous or Anonymous (Sarah Warn) above and more out than in (if that helps any).