My Weekend Crush

I first saw Tilda Swinton 15 years ago. Sitting in a dark lecture hall that doubled as an independent film theater, I watched the surreal cross-dressing dream that was “Orlando” unfurl before my eyes. It was strange and beautiful and fascinating and confusing. Just like Tilda. In fact, that role typifies Tilda’s avant-garde, gender-bending, defiantly-unconventional career. From her lesbian turn in “Female Perversions” to her raw physicality of “Young Adam,” her movies aren’t always easy to watch. Yet it is nearly impossible to take your eyes off her. Perhaps a recent headline from the U.K. paper The Times put it best: “Why Tilda Swinton is pale and interesting.” She has a strikingly intense beauty that quashes the easy accessibility of prettiness. Her angular, avian features belie a ferociousness that simmers just underneath the surface. It made her the perfect White Witch. And while that role introduced her to a lager mainstream audience, those who first saw her 15 years ago, like me, have known all along. She is strange and beautiful and fascinating and confusing. And just try to take your eyes off her. Happy weekend, all.

Clearly, I watch too much TV

Well, premiere week is over and most of the new and returning shows have had their chance to wow us. So, how wowed do you feel? After carefully planning out my new fall viewing schedule, it’s time to take stock. I think it’s probably too soon to dump anything outright. OK, not true. I never started watching “Chuck” and I decided against “Life”* -- with my apologies to Sarah Shahi. But let’s roll up our sleeves and look at the rest, shall we?

TUESDAY

“Bones”/“House” -- Like fine wine, I think they both are getting better with age. I wasn’t wild about the latter’s cop with a grudge/House with an addiction storyline last year. But giving House more doctors to torture is a stroke of pure genius. Oh, and it looks like a few of them will be sticking around for good.

WEDNESDAY

“Pushing Daisies” -- Cute, though possibly too cute. Now I’m a big fan of whimsy, but it’s always better when balanced out with a little snark. Really, everything is better with a little snark. But then, I would think that wouldn’t I? Though, you know what bothers me the most about this show? His dog. There is no way he could not have touched his dog, even by accident, in 19 years. At some point, that dog would have walked, run, jumped, nudged, bumped, crawled or snuggled up to him and then poor poochie would have been dearly departed again. So, yeah, that bothered me. Yes, I realize my insistence on realism is ridiculous since I’ve already totally accepted the premise that a man can bring things back from the dead with one touch, only to kill them again with a second touch. I remain, as ever, consistently inconsistent.

“Bionic Woman” -- Oy. The first episode was promising, but flawed. The second episode was bad, just bad. Never underestimate the importance of a charismatic lead. And also never underestimate the audience’s appetite for an ass-kicking villain. This show needs more Katee Sackhoff and more interesting acting by Michelle Ryan. Preferably together. I can’t be the only one who thought the chemistry between the two of them was, uh, bionic. Oh, and lose Isaiah Washington.

THURSDAY

“Ugly Betty” -- It hurts me to say this, but the first two episodes have felt, well, off. It’s almost like they hired a new writing staff over the summer and the newbies haven’t mastered the fine art of snark. Too little Marc and Amanda. Too much after-school special sentimentality. It’s not a good sign that I can’t recall one quotable quip. Not one. This makes me sad. Hopefully, they’re just rusty. I still love all things America, though. No one falls down, runs into things or knocks over a tray of bagels like that gal.

“30 Rock” -- I’m thisclose to building a shrine to Tina Fey and praying to it for comedy inspiration. I am in no way kidding.

* UPDATE: OK, OK. You’ve convinced me. I’ll give “Life” another shot. In my defense, I watched the first episode and recorded the second, but it got bumped because of space issues. So, I had intended to keep watching. I’ll catch up online. You people are so demanding. My main problem with the show is the main character, Charlie. His quirks in the pilot were just so, quirky. He reminded me of a mix of Vincent D’Onofrio from “L&O:CI,” David Carradine from “Kung Fu” and Rain Man. Sarah, on the other hand, rocked. Like, hard. And I just saw this still from an upcoming episode. Butch Carmen = Hot Damn. Color me convinced.

Tina Fey likes us, she really likes us

OH MY GOD! Tina Fey mentioned AfterEllen.com on Conan O’Brien last night! That’s so fucking awesome, I’m going to have to repeat it: Tina Fey mentioned AfterEllen.com on Conan O’Brien last night! Fucking-A! OK, OK, I’ve composed myself. Sort of. Fine, not at all. But I will fake it, for Tina’s sake.

So, Tina was on Conan last night to promote today’s premiere of “30 Rock,” which we are all going to watch, right? Right! First of all, she looked amazing. She was in a little black dress with some cleavagy action going on. Rawwr. She talked about how nervous she was about getting dressed for the Emmys and how “You can’t compete with the beautiful orange ladies of Los Angeles.” And then she mentioned how her parents have her on Google Alert and a couple months ago her dad called her all excited:

“Great news, you are no. 7 on the lesbian crushes on AfterEllen.com.”

As if I didn’t love her enough before, now they’re going to have to invent an entirely new level of adoration. Seriously, “crush” does not even come close. Also, I think I might love her dad, too. How cute. The whole interview was classic Tina. Her impression of the Emmy red carpet interviewers was hilarious: “So, Third Rock is good. You and Alex Baldrick are wonderful.”

She also talked about her cover girl status on Geek magazine, which, really, is a match made in heaven. And as if to cement her status, she said how big a “Star Wars” fan she was.

“I’m not going to brag, but I had the 24-inch Millennium Falcon, as a kid. The full Falcon. You know, and I didn’t go on a lot of dates and stuff. So I had to stay home and make sure the Falcon stayed pristine and the action figures were well cared for.”

Of course, Princess Leia was her favorite character. She even got Carrie Fisher to guest star this season and she actually got her to say: “Help me Liz Lemon, you’re my only hope.” To which Tina said, “I can die now.” No kidding, so can I.
p.s. Click on any of the images to enlarge the Tina Fey goodness, particularly that last one. Tell me if you notice anything, say, right in the center of the photograph. Look carefully. Hello.
p.p.s. The night’s musical guest was Ani DiFranco, so it was practically the best late-night guest slate in the history of ever.
p.p.p.s. As soon as the episode is available, I’ll upload it for your viewing pleasure.

UPDATE: Here is is. See what I was saying about the dress. Nice.

Nothing compares 2 her

So, Sinéad O'Connor will be on Oprah today to talk about her battle with bipolar disorder (hat tip, Sangmo). Oprah and Sinéad? That’s such a strange combination, I’m having a hard time even envisioning it. I ruminate more on the strange and wonderful creature that is Sinéad over at AfterEllen today. But I didn’t get a chance to share this video I dug up of her performing Cole Porter’s “You Do Something To Me” for the 1990 AIDS benefit album “Red Hot + Blue.” I distinctly remember watching the TV special and loving Sinead’s sexy, surreal take on the number so much that I taped it. Yes, back in the days before MP3s and CD-RWs and Google and YouTube, I held my little Panasonic tape player up to the TV, put in a fresh blank tape and pressed record. I bet I could still find that tape somewhere, if I looked hard enough. Good thing I don’t have to. Enjoy.

Be be your L

Oh, man. Just when I think I’ve gained some healthy distance from the love/hate insanity that is “The L Word.” Just when I think I’m able to see it for what it is. Just when I think I can lead a normal life. Well, then Showtime has to go and show me this. And now, damn it all, I can’t wait until January. I can’t help it. It’s like a drug. I know it’s bad for me but I MUST HAVE IT. OK, control yourself, woman. Get a grip. Do not freak out about Helena in prison orange. Do not freak out about Bette’s double-take of a sunbathing Tina. Do not freak out about Jenny’s Season 1 hair. Do not freak out about the return of lothario Shane. Do not freak out about anything and everything about Alice. I hate to admit it, but Showtime is right. There’s no fighting it.

p.s. The song, for those who might wonder, is “Be Be Your Love” by Rachael Yamagata. Lovely, no?

Room 403

Oh, you knew I’d eventually get around to blogging about Natalie Portman naked. Yes, I downloaded, watched and rewatched “Hotel Chevalier,” the online prologue to Wes Anderson’s upcoming theatrical release “The Darjeeling Limited.” What, you haven’t heard about “Hotel Chevalier,” a.k.a. The Movie Where Natalie Portman Gets Naked? The bittersweet 13-minute short is available for free from iTunes and introduce us to Jason Schwartzman’s lovelorn character Jack (the youngest of the three brothers including Owen Wilson and Adrien Brody) as he has a tryst with his ex (played by Natalie) in a Paris hotel. But plot, schmot. Let’s get to the good stuff. [Note: If you didn’t like the Holly Hunter naked bits, you might want to stop reading right about now. No handcuffs this time, sadly. Click any of the images to enlarge. Oh, and these next two are NSFW, duh.]
Ok, so there it is. The much ballyhooed full-body naked shot is pretty much just an awkwardly-posed, carefully-covered side view. And, really, it’s not doing much for me. But, uh, this next shot? Well, this next shot is a different story. Hello.
For all the hoopla and fanboy drooling, the scene itself is actually remarkable restrained. And I’m actually kind of glad she didn’t show more. I don’t know, I still get kind of protective about Natalie. I distinctly remember seeing her in “The Professional” (or “Léon” for my French readers) and even at 26 she has a delicate pixie quality that makes me feel weird about lusting over her nekkidness. Even I have standards. Seriously, I do. Stop laughing.As for the film itself, I rather liked the quirky little short. It was oddly effective and strangely honest. Anyone who has ever had a post break-up hook-up will identify immediately with the sentiment:

Natalie: Whatever happens in the end, I don’t want to lose you as my friend.
Jason: I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

And my personal favorite:

Natalie: If we fuck, I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow.
Jason: That’s OK with me.

Go download it now for yourself. It’s free. It’s Natalie Portman naked. Geez, why are you still here?
p.s. Despite all the photographic evidence to the contrary, I am not really a butt woman. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a nice badonkadonk. But I prefer what is a little higher up. No, not those. The back. I love a woman’s back. If only they’d shown more of Natalie’s. Sigh.

Teenage. Lesbian. Werewolves.

I had considered letting the title speak for itself. But as OMGWTF awesome as it was, it also begged for further explanation. You see, there is actually a movie about teenage lesbian werewolves in the works. That’s right. I am no shitting you. Teenage lesbian werewolves. And it’s not some skeezy Skinemax soft-porn thing. It’s a real movie called “Jack & Diane.” It has a real director, Bradley Rust Gray, who made the 2003 indie film “Salt.” It has real actresses, Ellen Page from “Hard Candy” and “X:Men: The Last Stand” and Olivia Thirlby from “United 93” and “Juno” (which she co-starred in with Ellen). It’s like, real. I mean, even I couldn’t make up the synopsis. Seriously, I’m not that good. To wit:

“Jack and Diane, two teenage lesbians, meet in New York City and spend the night kissing ferociously. Diane’s charming innocence quickly begins to open Jack’s tough skinned heart. But, when Jack discovers that Diane is leaving the country in a week she tries to push her away. Diane must struggle to keep their love alive while hiding the secret that her newly awakened sexual desire occasionally turns her into a werewolf.”

OMGWTF, right? Sadly, according to Cinematical, the production has hit a roadblock in the money department. Apparently rich movie backers simply aren’t clamoring to get behind a movie about teenage lesbian werewolves. Teenage mutant ninja turtles, yes. Teenage lesbian werewolves, no. Come on, one is clearly more awesome than the other. Perhaps it would loosen up the purse strings some if they realized, as Ellen and Olivia told a reporter at the Toronto International Film Festival, that the werewolves were actually metaphorical. So, these are teenage lesbian metaphorical werewolves? Fine, as long as the mutant ninja turtles don’t show up I’m still on board. The director’s statement up at the official movie website clears things up, a little.

“My focus in making Jack & Diane is to carefully examine what happens when two young people fall in love for the first time …. I see Jack & Diane as an investigation of love. It’s unapologetically romantic. Love is the most instinctive way for us to understand other people regardless of cultural background, race, or sexuality. Everyone has the same desire to love and to be loved.”

OK, now I have to see this movie. Look, money people, a movie about a teenage heterosexual werewolf got made and did so well there was even a sequel. OK, the sequel was ill-advised. And, perhaps the original, too. But my point being that if you can werewolf up for Michael J. Fox, why not for “Jack & Diane?” Heck, I’ll even sing the little ditty for you, if you think it would help.p.s. After typing “teenage lesbian werewolves” about 500 times for this post, I’m scared to see what kind of crazy Google traffic I get today. Uh, hello, teenage lesbian werewolf fetish folks. I guess you’re welcome here as long as you don’t bite. I mean that literally, not metaphorically.

My Weekend Crush

I will admit that if you asked me a year ago if I knew who Feist was I would have shrugged and shook my head. In fact, it was the always discerning Scribe Grrrl herself who introduced me, and probably more than a few others, to one Leslie Feist. I should really send her a fruit basket or something. Since then, I can’t believe I ever lived in a world where I did not know her voice, a voice so filled with a haunting joy that each time I hear it anew almost makes me gasp.

Feist’s new album “The Reminder” could very well make her a star, with a major assist from the ever-present iPod nano commercial. I swear, every time it comes on I feel like dancing. Good thing I’m usually in my living room. While Feist may hook you with the boisterous buoyancy of “1234,” it’s the simple sadness of songs like “The Park” that will linger along the outskirts of your heart for days. Each time I put on “The Reminder,” I feel as if I’ve been given a gift. Equal parts exalted, beguiling and melancholic, it grows richer with every listen. And, once again, Scribe put it best: “The album does break your heart, in the best way. It makes you want to walk/run/ride/drive in the sun, in the spring, in a place and time where you can take the whole world into your chest and push it back out as music.” Check your doorstep, that fruit basket is coming. Happy weekend, all.

U-Haul not included

Uh, so when did Elton John and k.d. lang become lesbian twinsies? I mean it -- the hair, the jacket -- it’s almost creepy. I’m having some sort of crazed “The Bitch is Back” for “Constant Craving” flashback just looking at these photos.
Also, just because it’s Friday and apropos of nothing, here is Uma Thurman’s cleavage. It kind of takes the sting off the lesbian look-alike thing, doesn’t it? Thank God it’s Friday, indeed.

Top bisexual

How did I not know this? Thanks to my new best friend anonymous, I’ve just learned that my favorite cooking cutie Lia Bardeen is bisexual. And this isn’t just some unsubstantiated rumor. This is straight (uh, wrong word) from the source -- Lia’s home casting video. Gosh, and they say you can’t learn anything from the internet. In the clip, Lia talks about getting out of a six-year relationship eight months ago. When the interviewer asked “How long did you date the guy?“ She replies, “Six years, almost, and it was a girl.” Hell to the yeah! She goes on to say: “I never identified as gay. If someone specifically really needs to know, like, how I identify I would probably say bi. So I just kind of say that I’m attracted to people, not --you know -- what is downstairs.” Man, I knew she pinged my gaydar, I knew it. I think it was the way she drank her beer from the bottle. It, uh, spoke to me. Anyway, after a little research I found this dissection of the photographic clues to Lia’s then-supposed bisexuality at Amuse-Biatch. Yes, the papayas were the dead giveaway. I mean, come on. How could I not have known?
p.s. Is Bravo trying to tell us something again with the typo in the caption. Him? Someone needs to retake sensitivity training.
p.p.s. Casey, Hung and Dale. It should be an awesome finale, no?

Top this

So, “Top Chef” is down to the final four and the two-part finale, set in Aspen, begins tonight. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m rooting for Casey. Now, I like Dale. And Brian is OK (though for the love of Long John Silvers, stop making lobster!). But, basically, I really, really, really, really don’t want Hung to win. That dude is already an insufferable asshat. Just think how bad he would be with a title. While I don’t usually root for someone to lose, I am totally rooting for Hung to get his smug handed to him on a skillet. I think Casey has the best shot at beating Hung, but what the hell do I know; I thought Tre was going to win it all.
Actually, I think the caliber of cooking this season has been better than last. And the cutie chef quotient was pretty good, too. Hello, Lia. How ya doing? Sadly, all my favorites -- Lia, Sara N., Sandee (well, she probably would have been a favorite if she had stuck around for more than two episodes) -- got the cut early. My other complaint this season is that the judging has been wildly inconsistent. Howie fails to plate an item in the very first elimination challenge and he gets to stick around but poor Tre just makes boring bread pudding and it’s pack your knives and leave? At least we still have Padma to soothe our disappointments. And Padma with a lasso? That’s just the icing on the cake. Bon appétit.

Lesbians prefer blondes

Look, twinsies! The first shot of new Nip/Tuck couple Portia de Rossi and Joely Richardson has been released by FX. (Click to enlarge.) They look so happy. They look so healthy. They look so on the verge of being the victims of a horrible, horrible hate crime. Oh wait, sorry, that’s just me reading too much into the body language. Actually, Portia is totally giving Joely a naughty “Just wait until I get you home and into bed, missy -- you’re in big trouble!”-look. I’ll bet she’s doing mental calculations on how many moves it will take to undo Joely’s bra. It’s like “Name That Tune,” but much more fun. “I can undo that bra in three moves!”With Joely’s character Julia lesboing up, this mean Roma Maffia’s character Dr. Liz Cruz will have some lady-loving competition this season. I’ll admit, I haven’t watch Nip/Tuck regularly in quite a while. The whole Carver thing along with assorted other insane/inane plot points convinced me I could find better ways to spend an hour on Tuesday nights. I probably won’t watch regularly this season either. But, I do plan to tune in for the “anything but tame” hot lesbian sex Joely and Portia will be having, however short the afterglow ends up being. Also, I had no idea Lauren Hutton was on this show, did you? Oh, wait, she appears to be a new character. Wow, she looks great. Damn, it’s like FX is taunting me with all this beauty, daring me to start watching again. Must. Resist. Must... Fine, I’m programming it in. But I swear I’m just going to skip to the good parts.

The not-so-Lezzie Bunch

Marcia and Jan did not make out. Oh, thank God. You know when you read something and immediately wish you hadn’t because the image then seared itself onto your brain and you can never again look back in innocence and wonder at something that was once an important part of your childhood. Yeah, well, that’s exactly what happened when news broke on the blogs Friday that Marcia, sorry, Maureen McCormick was going to reveal in her new autobiography that she and Jan, er, Eve Plumb had fooled around behind the scenes on “The Brady Bunch.” The horror! The abject horror! But, just as fast as the “My eyes! Dear God, my eye!”-mental images was born, it was swiftly killed when Maureen’s publisher denied the claims of Brady lesbianism.

“We are verifying that it is not true,” said Debbie Styer, senior vice president of group publicity at William Morrow, publisher of her book “Here’s the Story…” “The real story of what happened in [McCormick’s] life and behind the scenes of the show will all come out when the book comes out.”

Whewww. Look, in theory I have nothing against attractive people getting it on. But in practice, this would have meant that every time I heard “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” I was going to envision a very different, very sweaty scenario. So. Very. Wrong. Already the news had me experiencing post-traumatic stress syndrome flashbacks to the first time I watched “Sister My Sister” and sat open-mouthed through all the insanely inappropriate yet freakishly hot sister-on-sister action. That film needs a disclaimer that says, “Warning: May cause scarring for life.”

I guess what this non-story really reaffirms is that, gasp, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I know, shocking. Actually, I was immediately skeptical of this report when I saw that its source was the ever-disreputable ContactMusic.com. These are the same folks who spun Leisha Hailey’s cute comments about her AfterEllen Hot 100 list supremacy into a frightened feud with Angelina Jolie. In short, take everything they say with a grain of salt. I like mine on a margarita.

My Weekend Crush

I know, I know. Three posts on Holly Hunter in one week. I’m testing the patience of everyone here who does not have a thing for smart Southerners. Or women who talk endearing out of the sides of their mouths. Or women whose bodies are all sinew and steel. Or women who don’t mind getting handcuffed naked to beds. Me, I love all those qualities. A lot. I’ve been a fan of Holly’s since, as a young movie-going neophyte, I first saw her in that paradigm-shifting comedy “Raising Arizona” some 20 years ago. I distinctly remember leaving the theater and thinking, “Wow, what the hell was that? I liked it.” Since then she has been so good at what she does, that we have been lulled into thinking we know her. Her work seems less like acting and more like just her. Spunky. Funny. Tough. Every so slightly neurotic. But, then, that’s what the best actors do. They make us believe they are their roles. If I stop to think about it, I know very little about Holly Hunter the person. Her private life is just that. Which is how it should be. Holly does her talking on screen. And on screen, she is fearless. Still of all of her on-camera qualities, I have to believe that one is true even when they stop rolling. Happy weekend, all.

Politics most personal

Hopefully you’ve already seen and been buoyed by this inspiring video. And if not, well, be prepared for something rare and wonderful. As Sarah posted at AfterEllen.com yesterday, San Diego’s Republican Mayor Jerry Sanders announced earlier this week that he was reversing his previously-announced decision to veto a gay marriage resolution. He said he did so because he could not look into the face of his gay daughter, Lisa, or his gay staff members and “tell them that their relationship -- their very lives -- were any less meaningful than the marriage I share with my wife Rana.” (Read the full transcript at Wockner.)
Mayor Sanders (pictured above with his daughter Lisa at his 2005 swearing-in ceremony) said he realized the gay marriage vs. civil unions debate is, ultimately, a lie. There is no such thing as separate but equal. There is only separate or equal. It is a decision that will no doubt anger his conservative constituents. But it is a reminder that doing what is right isn’t always a popular. But sometimes, as he said, you have to lead with your heart.

This is also a reminder that what changes peoples’ minds isn’t necessarily the public discourse, but the private heart-to-hearts. I’ve always thought the marches and parade and protests -- while great -- were something done perhaps more for us than for them. They’re an affirmation that we aren’t the only ones shaking our fists at the injustice. While that is invaluable to our collective spirit, I don’t think it’s what moves people outside of our bubble.

Instead, this is how the world changes. Not through loud marches and big speeches. But through the small, quiet moments of our conscience. It is the mother or father, daughter or son, sister or brother, neighbor or friend, who you know who gives a face and a beating heart to these issues we talk about in the abstract like equality and justice, hatred and bigotry.

This is why it’s all the more baffling that there are countless others who - like Mayor Sanders - find their public policy at odds with their personal experiences, yet do nothing to rectify the imbalance. Are you listening Dick Cheney? How can your heart live with what your head does to your daughter? How can you sleep knowing the policies you push declare her life less worth protecting than every other citizen. The conscience is a powerful thing. Someday - like Mayor Sanders - may you finally find yours.p.s. If you want to thank Mayor Sanders, email him at jerrysanders@sandiego.gov. If you want to tell Gov. Schwarzenegger to look into his own heart and not veto a similar piece of legislation coming though the legislature, do so here. If you want to tell Dick Cheney to go to hell, well, get in line.

UPDATE: OK, so Wockner has Lisa Sander’s first, and possibly only, public comment on her dad’s courageous decision:

“I'm just very proud of my father. And to be a part of this. It's about equality, and he's doing the right thing, and I'm very confident in him.”

Also, he has photos. Let me be the first to say, “Hello, hottie!” Power suits, they get me ever. single. time.

Smile pretty

Warning: NSFW. In fact, I should have called it Naked Lady Thursday. Or, more precisely, Holly Hunter Hotness. Anyway, my point is that if you scroll down with bosses/teachers/parents/ anyone who does not appreciate the nude female form on a computer screen nearby, there could be trouble. Moving on.

So, the television gods smiled on me and I received this week’s “Saving Grace” episode yesterday. You know what that means? Holly Hunter naked screencaps! I know, I know. I am a cheeky monkey. I never claimed to be above prurient interests. I also never claimed to be above drooling. So with that, I’ll just shut up and let Holly’s exquisitely toned form (I mean it, I don’t think she had enough body fat to make a pat of butter) do the rest of the talking. Did I mention you can catch the encore tonight on TNT? (Click to enlarge the hotness, I won’t tell anyone.)

p.s. Check out Dame Rhetorica’s thoughtful list of reasons why we should all watch “Saving Grace.” Damn, I wish I had read that before this week. I might have clued in a lot sooner.

Emmy afterthoughts

So, Tina Fey, congratulations on your big Emmy win! But now, big problem, how will you get it home? The answer: bubble wrap. I just love these shots of Tina totting her wrapped-up pointy prize home with her. I also love how she handles her own bag. And her Chucks. And her just about everything. Plus seeing her put her Emmy in the airport security bin? Absolutely priceless.I also realized I forgot to post shots of Emmy night’s big gay couples. Version Lesbian: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Version Gay: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. (Click to enlarge the cuteness.) Say it with me, Awwwwww!And, finally, one last WTF about the bizarre Fox censors. Sure, they are denying that bleeping Sally Field’s “goddamn wars” comment was politically motivated (sure, Rupert Murdoch, sure), but the latest about the Ray Romano “screwing my wife”-bleepage is that they cut it for fear of spoiling a plot point on the network’s new series “Back to You.” Yep, that sounds about right. But regardless the reasoning, the Fox censors were hopelessly inept, period. Instead of calmly bleeping out each (supposedly) offensive statement, they cut for several seconds to a truly puzzling, soundless aerial shot of the auditorium that left everyone watching at home thinking, “Damn, has someone fallen asleep at the controls?” Next year, perhaps another network, m’kay?

See Jane Review

Hey folks, I reviewed “The Jane Austen Book Club” at AfterEllen.com today. If you’re so inclined, check it out. Otherwise my two word review: pleasantly predictable.

I’m a believer

Hello? [Tap, tap] This thing on? [Crickets] Wow, not into Kate’s bum self-portrait I guess. Hmm, well how about Holly Hunter’s real-life bum? I must admit, I haven’t exactly been following “Saving Grace.” While I love Holly Hunter, I wasn’t terribly impressed by the pilot or its touched-by-a-good-ol’-boy-angel premise, and skipped it in favor of the razor-sharp moral jigsaw of “Damages.” (Not that they’re on at the same time, but I can only add so many new shows and still get in my required four hours of Food Network each night…I’m kidding…sort of.) Now, people have told me that “Saving Grace” improved considerably after the premiere, but I still wasn’t compelled to give it another go.

But then last night I was flipping channels and, well, Holly Hunter’s ass made me a believer. After last night’s episode it’s safe to say that I’ve been converted. The scene opened with Grace in the midst of a bedroom romp. It ended with her handcuffed to the bedpost, naked as the day she was born. And, yes, we see the full monty. Well, the full backside monty. Thank you TNT, my new favorite network. Sadly, I couldn’t get the technical wizardry together to get you a screencap. But, needless to say, Holly works out. (Catch the repeat at 8 p.m. Thursday on TNT, and don’t tune in late or you’ll miss the best part.)

Actually, the whole episode was quite intriguing. It involved a crime from Grace’s past, murder, redemption, handcuffs, tabouli. What’s not to love? And it reminded me that while I may not be totally sold on the “God has plans for you” concept, a great actress and smart writing can overcome whatever spiritual misgivings one might have. Also, a nice butt shot doesn’t hurt either.

Return of Naked Lady Monday

It’s baaaaack! Today’s lovely is one of the loveliest of the lovelies: Kate Winslet. This is circa -- oh, I don’t know -- a while ago when her hair was shorter. Of course, anyone familiar with Kate’s films has no doubt seen much more, say in “Titanic” or “Holy Smoke” or “Little Children.” But, I think less is more when it comes to NLM. OK, well, maybe just this once I could show you a little bit more. You know, just this once. So, are you ready? I know you’re excited. Here it is. Kate Winslet’s bum.What, not what you were expecting? Look, I wasn’t being, uh, cheeky with you. This is Kate Winslet’s bum, as drawn by Kate Winslet herself. She sketched her posterior as part of the Paint 4 Poverty Celebrity Art Auction. The money raised will go to the Robin Hood Ministries which work to reduce poverty in the world’s poorest countries. Aww, I can tell you’re still disappointed. You could always buy the piece and then tell people you own Kate Winslet’s ass. Come on, at the very least that would be a great way to break the ice at parties.