What the fuck? Seriously, huh? I go away for 10 days and you go ape shit. And by ape shit, I actually mean simians throwing poo. How did the bespectacled, beehived governor of Alaska become The Issue in this presidential election? Did someone slip something funny into my vacation margaritas and this is all really just a very strange, very bad dream? If so, I’m ready to wake up. Like, now. Like, yesterday. Like, make it stop.
Having observed (more like tried to avoid) the Palinification of this campaign for the past 11 days, I am of two minds as to what to do about this mess you find ourselves in. The big part of me wants to rip my hair out and scream at you, yes you, America. How could you fall into such a misguided and ultimately unrequited girlcrush? Remember back in high school when you had that crush and your friends, your parents, your teachers, your lunch ladies all told you she was totally, completely, dangerously wrong for you and you should just walk away and find a nice, sensible, worthy girl to give your affections to instead? Yeah, it’s like that, only so much more important.
Then there is another, smaller part of me that wants to do a begrudging golf clap to the entire Republican Party for such a brilliantly cynical political move. My God, they’re genius at being evil. I mean, who else could scream SEXISM at even the slightest disagreement over Palin’s credentials when they’re the ones who said Hillary Clinton’s voice reminded every man in America of a nagging wife demanding you “Take out the garbage!”? Who else could cry SMEARS when they’re the ones who put out an ad so patently false and sleazily misleading that every major news organization has decried its accuracy? Who is suddenly OUTRAGED by questions into a candidate’s personal life when they lead the torch-wielding mob that went after Obama for his ex-pastor Jeremiah Wright and spread the ridiculous rumors about him being a secret Muslim? They did. They did. They so fucking did. Shit, you have to hand it to those crafty elephants, they've got big brass ones when it comes to being utterly shameless. So I can see how you might get fooled at first glance, America, by their diabolical ways. But you and I both know that the truth still matters.
Look, America, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but you must know that deep down, I really do love you. I think you’ve got unlimited potential and a great big heart. And, most importantly, I know you’re not this dumb. So you're going to see though all of this devious spin and make a smart choice for your future. For now I’m going to give you some time to get over this little infatuation. Moon over she who should not be vice president as Charlie Gibson undoubtedly will lobs some softballs her way on TV tonight. I'm not worried. Clearly this just a phase (and not the gay kind of phase because we all know those are permanent). But come November 4, please promise me that this whole thing will be out of your system. I can't bear to see you throw yourself at someone else who is clearly not good enough for you. Remember the Dubya debacle? No one wants to see you you waste another eight years of your life on a mistake. I only say this because I care.
p.s. Sarah Haskins totally agrees with me. So if you won't listen to me, America, please listen to the only sane Sarah in this scenario.
UPDATE: Oh, and just in case the sensible Sarah or I inspired you to "Just say no," check out Women Against Sarah Palin.
[Hat tip, Debbie and Jill!]