Feeling Skinned

Here is the thing. You probably were disappointed by last night’s premiere of US “Skins.” It seemed incredibly familiar. Because, well, it was incredibly familiar. It was an almost word-for-word, shot-for-shot recreation of the first UK “Skins” episode. Same story, different accents. I know, what fuckery is this? But hold on, kiddies, things get really different really fast. And that difference is Tea. She is the new characters, the replacement for Maxxie. And besides being a girl instead of a boy, she is a lesbian. Yeah, now you’re interested.

Tea gets the spotlight in the second episode next week, which is good because you’ll want to see a lot more of her. No, not like that. Actress Sofia Black D’Elia is, um, I don’t know how old she is but it sure feels illegal. Still, I know you’re an impatient lot. So, do you want to meet Tea now?

This is Tea.
This is Tea’s tattoo.
These are Tea’s shoes.
This is what Tea likes to do with girls.

Any questions? But just not those questions. As Tea says: “You want to know what we do, right? What goes where? Who licks what? So tedious. I screw girls. So what?”

The way the US “Skins” has been marketed is as a non-stop party of pills and whipped cream. Girls drenched in alcohol. Girls drenched in boys. Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. This is MTV, people. It has been, quite, frankly, an enormous turn off. But people tuning in for non-stop boning are going to be disappointed – at least by the subsequent three episodes I’ve seen. In fact, it’s a classic case of “Skins” bait ‘n’ switch. Lure them in with the salaciousness, then hit them over the head with sagaciousness.

Certainly the show can seem unsophisticated at times, a symptom of its continual grand experiment of using actual adolescent writers and letting them find their own voices onscreen. The edges aren’t polished, sometimes the seams show. But it’s early. In fact, I’d say the US kiddies have actually worked hard to make the show less sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll than its British origins. Some of that of course is a concession to the censors, those unwelcome pilgrims perched on all of our shoulders. But I’d even go on a limb and say the episodes I’ve seen have been a little, well, slow. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. This isn’t CW-like plot progression where people are kidnapped, fall into a coma and turn into vampires and back all in 42-minutes.

My only question is, will those lured in by the promise of easy sex and free drugs stay to explore the sometimes messy, sometimes absurd, sometimes poignant inner lives of the American teenager? OK, I have one more question, if a bunch of teenagers can write a really good lesbian TV character, why can’t more adults follow suit?

SGALGG: Gay Globes Edition

Whew, what a night. And by “what a night,” I mean I think only Tina Fey escaped without being hilariously insulted by Ricky Gervais. It was a night of super gay triumphs – “The Kids Are All Right,” “Glee.” Heck, Natalie Portman even gave Mila Kunis a special award for her “sweet lips.” All in all, it was a good night for Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. It was also a good night for Straight Gals and Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays and plain-old Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gays. The Globes really were gay.

SGALGG

Tilda Swinton & Helen MirrenThat hug makes me swoon in the deepest parts of my heart.

Tilda Swinton & Claire DanesTilda, you dog! Does Helen know?

Busy Philipps & Michelle WilliamsThey look like they were just telling each other secrets. Preferably naughty ones.

Amber Riley & Lea MicheleMerBerry?

Naya Rivera & Heather MorrisRyan Murphy, open your eyes.

Piper Perabo & Her PonytailThat’s 1,000 bonus gay girl points for Piper.

Tina Fey & Her NBC PromoShe called her friendship with Amy Poehler, “like Oprah and Gayle, only we’re not denying anything.”

Annette Bening & Julianne MooreThe way Annette is squinting and Julianne is crouching, it’s like they’re still in character as Nic and Jules.

SGGGALGG

Annette Bening & Lisa CholodenkoAnnette is so method, she’s even starting to experience lesbian twin syndrome with Lisa.

Angelina Jolie & Amy PascalEven the high-powered Sony Pictures Entertainment Co-Chairman is doing her best to make a pass at Angie.


GGALGG

Lisa Cholodenko & Wendy MelvoinI wonder if they shared their hair product with Annette.

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThis is what a big scary gay marriage looks like, America. Tremble at its adorability.

Santana & BrittanyClearly they’re in character here. Later, they’ll practice scissoring.

For a full Golden Globes recap, check AfterEllen later today.

My Weekend Crush

Noomi Rapace is Lisbeth Salander. This much I know. She embodies the character with a silent ferociousness turning her into a coiled ball with sinew and vengeance. She is justice’s angry right hand. You don’t see many characters like her on screen. The bixexual hacker with a penchant for piercings and a scowl that won’t stop. Noomi’s transformation was remarkable and complete. She went from the conventionally girlie to this tiny, leather-clad rock of post-punk androgyny. In short, she blew my mind and made The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for me. She is Lisbeth Salander. But she herself has said she no longer wants to play Lisbeth Salander.

Which brings me to the subject of the remake. Like everyone, I’m reluctant. When you love something in its original form, you are resistant to any reinterpretation. But then, you should know something about us Americans – we’re not terribly fond of subtitles, or foreign films in general. So that means a whole swath of the population has never met Lisbeth Salander, this remarkable heroine in the canon of film history. And they should, because women on screen don’t often get to be tough and avenging and guided by their own morality – or gay, for that matter.

So while I have real and unrelenting reservations, I am going to give the American The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a try. I am going to trust director David Fincher to bring this story to the masses. I am going to hope that Rooney Mara can embody her with the same fire and strength (check out her decked out as Salander for the first time in W magazine here). I am going to cross my fingers that Bond himself Daniel Craig will not overshadow the story and make it about him. I am going to do all of this because I think it’s a good story and I want more people to meet Lisbeth Salander.

But believe you me, I am also going to miss Noomi Rapace the whole damn time. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday

There is no one way to properly gender fuck. In fact, it’s the variation that makes it so terribly delicious. Who says you need to wear a tie? Or a jacket? Or even pants? Wait, I think I’m getting off track here. What it’s really all about is owning your look and looking damn good no matter what you’re wearing. Sure, we can’t all look as flawless as Katharine Hepburn in a full suit and hat. But these ladies sure do their part fucking with gender in their own special way.

Billie Piper in suspenders
Winona Ryder in a smoking jacket
Evan Rachel Wood in a uniform
Zhang Ziyi in an Annie Hall
Pink in a vest
Melanie Laurent in no jacket
Piper Perabo in no tie
Drew Barrymore in no shirt
Sofia Coppola in an untied tie
Julie Andrews in a neatly tied tie
Gemma Arterton in a tuxedo
Keeley Hawes & Rachael Stirling in full tux, tails & top hat

Ah, yes, variety is truly the spice of gender fuck.

A Glee Thang

I’ll admit it, I miss “Glee.” It’s like an hour-long vacation for the parts of my brain that process logic and rational thought each week. Instead it just stimulates the parts of my brain that like glittery and shiny things. So, yeah, I miss it. I like shiny things. Which is why I was so tickled to see the Funny or Die “Nuthin’ But a Glee Thang” video. It’s those adorably omnipresent Glee kids. And Sofia Vergara. And a blow-up Jane Lynch sex doll. And Heather Morris and Naya Rivera dancing together – closely. Enough talking, let’s cut to a music number!

OK, things I love.

1) Sofia saying “Comparing Jane with the rest of the cast is like comparing the Great Barrier Reef with a piece of dog shit. No offense, Heather. …. Heather is my favorite.” Also Sofia in a Sue Sylvester tracksuit. See, “Glee” fans and “Modern Family” fans can live together in peace.

2) Heather and her Jane doll. You could sell those and make a killing. I mean, I wouldn’t buy one. But other people. Yeah, other people.

3) HeYa together like this and like that and like this and uh. Also, when Heather says Naya and her are “like birds and bees” does that mean those birds and bees? Because, you know, thank you forever for that mental image.

Oh, “Glee.” I wish I knew how to quit you.

Twice as nice

Hey, did you know two “The L Word” alums had new shows coming out in the next few weeks? Of course you did. Did you know one show is about cops and the other about lawyers (or former lawyers)? Of course you did. Did you know the actresses in question are Jennifer Beals and Sarah Shahi, two of the most scrumdiddlyumptious of the former TLW castmates? Of course you did. Well, fine, know it alls. Tell me which show will be better then?

I’m in the process of getting screeners for both shows (so with any luck I’ll have reviews for you when they premiere). But for now, based on their promos, which show are you most excited about? Jennifer Beals in hot cop mode for “The Chicago Code” or Sarah Shahi in hot mediator mode for “Fairly Legal.” I suspect your answer will hinge on whether you’re in a suit or pencil skirt mood. Or whether you prefer a gal in her skivvies or an elbow to the face. But either way, it’s lovely to see these actresses return to on our screens soon. Welcome back, ladies. Never leave us like that again.

Fairly Legal, Jan. 20 on USA


The Chicago Code, Feb. 7 on Fox

Right, so now I know all of you are going to cheat and say, “Both.”

This slays me

So last night, in a moment of weakness and because nothing else was on TV and it was a free preview weekend for Showtime, I cracked and finally watched “Twilight.” I’d resisted watching a single “Twilight” movie for more than two full years. Of course, I heard all about them. Unless you lived in a cave (without cable service or the internet service or subscription service to “Entertainment Weekly”), it was impossible to ignore the phenomena. But until last night I’d just scoffed on principle. Now, well, now I feel I can scoff with authority. It’s not necessarily that I thought “Twilight” was terrible – I take it back, every time Bella and Edward spoke to each other it was terrible. It’s just that it’s such an outmoded kind of love story. Really, the weak girl needs a strong man to protect her? Really, stalking as a form of romantic courtship? Really, “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin,” really? Whuck?

I guess what “Twilight” really does is make me miss “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” even more. Because instead of being about a fragile girl and her gallant, broody vampire protector, it was the story of a gallant girl who protected the world and, OK, occasionally dated broody vampires. But at least none of her vampire boyfriends sparkled in the sun like a sullen disco ball. Buffy also had Willow and Xander. And Willow had Tara and extra flamey candles. It also has the L Word (Lllll-esbians!) and the F Word (Fffff-eminism) and the P Word (Ppppp-op culture zingers!) I need to go pull out my DVDs immediately and hug them tight.

I know it’s unfair to compare “Buffy” and “Twilight,” really. One is about a romance set to appeal to teen girls and people’s inner teen girl and the other is about subverting of all those teen girl romances and carving its own path. But just in case those of you watching at home had forgotten, Buffy is better. And all those teenage girls sleeping soundly on their Team Edward or Team Jacob pillows should instead be sleeping under a big Team Buffy comforter. Because that’s the real stuff dreams are made of. Also – come on – Buffy would clean the floor with Edward. Seriously, not even close.

My Weekend World Happiness Dance

You know, I always think it’s nice to start a New Year off with a palate cleanser. And, it never hurts to have a little reminder that despite all of life’s stressors and annoyances, we should take the time for joy wherever we find it. So with that I give you 34-year-old British “Got to Dance” game show contestant Happiness. Yes, her name is Happiness. No, she can’t really dance. No, that doesn’t even matter. Something about this clip reminded me of that saying, “Dance like no one is watching.” What Happiness lacks in training or technique she makes up for in energy and exuberance. There is a simple, unmistakable glee in what she is doing. Some may mock it, but prefer to just smile and applaud. Get down with your bad self, Happiness. Thanks for making my day a little happier. Happy 2011, all.

Slip me some Skins

You all know I loved the UK “Skins,” or – to put a finer point on it – I loved Naomi and Emily on the UK “Skins.” I loved their characters, I loved their relationship, I loved their journey. I loved it so much I just used the word “journey” and didn’t mean a trip. This is something I’m loathe to do because of its chakras and crystals connotations. Like, “Rainwater Moonbeam, tell me about your personal journey toward actualized womynhood.” No, not for me (not that there’s anything wrong with it…) But the story of Naomi and Emily was indeed a journey. And it was one I was thrilled to go on through all the sweet scooter rides and secluded skinny dips and supply room shags and sobby rooftop confessions. Gosh, now I’ve gone all nostalgic. Who wants to go on a delightful little wallow in Naomily Land with me?

Edited by Rin of Rin & Sophy of Rophy Does.

So it’s with a heaping scoop of skepticism that I approach the new US “Skins.” Not to be all, “British is better,” but – come on – British is better. I don’t think I would have lasted through “Skins” if it was all about US teens. Something about watching American kids just makes me less willing to sit through all the drugging and drunking. Like, why would I watch this when I can go to any high school down the street and see kids crash SUVs while wearing American Apparel T-shirts? Hence, skepticism. But, I’ve decided I want to give it a chance – a real chance. It comes from the same creators and the same of storytelling tradition, so I’ll go along to see if there are stories I’ll care about, like Naomily. Maybe it’ll be Sofia Black D’Elia’s teenage lesbian Tea. Maybe it will be someone else. You just never really know. With “Skins,” the sex, drugs and rock’n’roll are just the hook to entice you, it’s the journeys – yes, both literal and figurative – that really gets you truly addicted.

OK, January 17, impress me.

Buddy can you spare a fuck

So, say you’re the star of one of the most critically acclaimed films of the year. Say it has already garnered a slew of awards and nominations. Say it is on the short list for Oscars as well. How best would you follow up said stint in the limelight? A) By taking your time and selecting a worthy follow-up film of equal prestige? Or B) By signing on to a fuck buddy movie with some goofy male co-star and dropping trou repeatedly? If you chose B, you are Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

Yes, somehow the actresses filmed rival fuck buddy movies (and they say romance is dead) as their follow ups. Both have blandly generic idioms for titles: “No Strings Attached!” “Friends with Benefits!” Both have mildy annoying, definitely smug male co-stars: Ashton Kutcher! Justin Timberlake! Both have released sexy Red Band trailers to entice the horny masses: Natalie Portman naked! Mila Kunis naked! Ugh, ladies, really?

Look, I know lame rom-coms are a rite of passage in almost any young actresses’ life. I know they’ve run out of “meet cute” ideas. So now they’ve move on to “Already met, let’s fuck.” But how is it that both actresses from “Black Swan” are now in dueling movies with the exact same concept? So now the only question remains, which one looks better? The answer is probably dependent on which male co-star you find less irritating. But as always, in the interest of science, I think we should examine the evidence. To the videotape!

No String Attached


Friends with Benefits

Gosh, will they end up falling in love and having more than just sex? I can’t see that coming at all, in either movie, at all.

You know what, I take it all back. These movies don’t look bad and clichéd at all. In fact, they’re brilliant, but with one minor tweak. Drop Ashton and Justin and just put Natalie and Mila together. Call it “No Strings with Benefits” and have them be two lifelong friends who decide to start having sex instead. We already know they look amazing together. Are you listening, Hollywood? Now that, that is box office gold. GOLD.

Stop trying to make fetch happen

So last night while attempting to watch and understand my first episode of “Pretty Little Liars” (admittedly, jumping into a “Scooby-Doo with lesbians who aren’t Velma” teen mystery show in its second season is a little tricky), I saw an ad for an abomination. As in hell fire, eternal damnation, do not pass go do not collect $200 abomination. Why is there a “Mean Girls 2?” What fuckery is this? The direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2004 film that lacks a) original star Lindsay Lohan, b) original writer or co-star Tina Fey or c) any of the stars, story or – from the more than bland trailer – sophisticated sensibilities of the original. Boo, you whore! After a little research, I found out that Tina wisely declined (repeatedly) to be involved in any sequel shenaniganery. Instead lesbian director Melanie Mayron (the red-head from “thirtysomething”) directed the whole thing. For shame. As I was saying, an abomination.

So to cleanse the palate of such horrors (why, Disney, why must you resurrect something that was perfect and turn it into a Frankenstein monster no one wants?), let’s just celebrate the original. Watching it for the first time in the theater I discovered that a) this Lindsay Lohan girl can act, I hope she grows up nicely, b) this Tina Fey person can do a lot more than tell jokes behind a desk, I want to go to there and c) this movie is like “Heathers” for another generation, but in an amazing non-derivative way. You go, Glen Coco.

“Mean Girls 2” doesn’t even go here.

p.s. The original also gave us this Tina Fey in her bra. No sequel could ever improve on that. Ever.

Crack open a good book

Every New Year, I make a resolution to read more. Not that I don’t read, clearly. I read every single day, all the time, non-fucking-stop. Newspapers, magazines, books, The Internets. But I don’t always read the best writing. And I don’t always read as many really great books as I’d like to. So this New Year, once again, I’m making a pledge to be good to myself and my brain and pick up some excellent books. They say print is dead, but you’ll never look as sexy holding a Kindle as you do a book – trust me.

Christina Ricci
Audrey Hepburn
Emily Haines
Marilyn Monroe
Evangeline Lilly
Marion Cotillard
Jessica Stam
Kate Winslet
Winona Ryder
Alyson HanniganWillow is my favorite book nerd, period.

So ladies, let me have it, what should I be reading this year?