Pre-L Finale: Last Word

L608: “Last Word”
With apologies to Diane Court, I’ve glimpsed our future and all I can say is – go back. Oh, kittens, if only we could. Back to when this was a show about a bunch of women who loved other women and each other, and not about Ilene’s Very Big, Very Important Issues. Alas, it is what it is. I want to feel more nostalgic at this moment. After all, six years is a long time to live with someone – even just a character on a screen. But now, as the crazy train finally clangs into the station, mostly I feel relief. This is not the way that we live, no matter what that ear-bleeding joke of a song says. As much as I love these characters, I hate what has happened to them. They say if you love something, set it free. Well, they’re all free now. And in my mind they’re now all talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming happily in a world free of the dictates of a megalomaniacal puppet master. Well, everyone except Alice. Dammit, Ilene. Must you ruin everything? And with that, once more with feeling.
[Click any and all to enlarge.]

1. Really, in this market? Good luck with that.2. I know Tibette. Tibette is my friend. Shenny, you're no Tibette.3.Ding-dong the theme song is dead. Can I get an amen?4. Love triangles......yet another reason I hate geometry.5. The only appropriate way to watch this episode.6. Wait, weren't they happy? Can't someone be happy?7. A pornstache? Oh, Max. What have you done to deserve this?8. I went six seasons without ever showing these puppies off.9. Lesbian Jedi master says use the Force, Alice.10. Finally. Why do you think we watch this damn show anyway?11. Can’t they just fuck without getting all Angelina pre-Brad on us?12.That is not nearly enough Jane Lynch.13. This is my favorite screencap. Ever.14. Ilene finally......plays to......her base.15. Deja vu......all over again.16. Looks like someone is having second thoughts about this job.17. Extreme close-ups are not a substitute for actual depth.18. You'd stress eat too......if you were trapped in this episode.19. Never date women who have self portraits on their walls.20. Dude, I can't believe I have to say this shit either.21. Alice picking her toes? Still one of the better scenes.22. Are you leaving? For the love of God, take me with you.23. Welcome to the family, Clementine.24. This is the face you make when you realize that your girlfriend is, indeed, Satan.25. If anyone is still sober at this point, they deserve a medal.26. Hey, dummy, iPhones can't record video.27. Shane finally has her V.C. Andrews moment.28. What will she find up there next? Jimmy Hoffa?29. Prayer won't save you from The Crazy.30. Just one more step back, one more, one mo...31. Never, ever get between a mama bear and her family.32. Damn, what kind of dirt does Chaiken have on these people?
[p.s. Click to see who you recognize, especially the bottom left.]33. This is precisely why I always wear floaties in the pool.34. I changed my mind. I don't wanna anymore.35. Thus ends Sarah Schuster.36. I've located the problem, ma'am.37. Apropos of nothing, these ladies sure are pretty.
New Guestbian Count: 0
Who Wants Jenny Dead Count: 3 (Bette, Helena, Tina – Max and Alice were also mean, but just shy of homicidal)
Words to Watch This Episode By: “It’s never too early for a drink.” – Helena
Words to Not Bet the Farm On: “I give you my word that we’re going to make it.” – Jenny to Shane
Words to LOL at: “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you. If it hadn’t been for you I might have ended up with that nutcase, Jenny.” – Tim on the TiBette tribute video.
Words to Scream at Ilene Frequently: “Save it, shut up!” – Alice to Jamie
Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken: “I am so ready to get out of here....I will be happy to get out of this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian interfuckingconnectedness.” – Bette to Kit
The Last Words: “You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. And I’m never going to forget you. So thank you for everything. OK? And that’s it.” – Jenny
My Words to You: Thank you, thank you for coming around every weekend during the L season all these years. I hope you've enjoyed the pre-caps. I've sure enjoyed making them for you.

p.s. Join me and the other AfterEllen gals over at the AE at 9 p.m. EST/6 p.m. PST Sunday for a live blog of the finale. Start prepping your liver for the inevitable drinking game now.

My Weekend Crush

All this talk of finales this week got me thinking about great grand finales. Television, like life, is filled with so many unsatisfactory endings. Things fizzle and fade, grandstand and glorify. So an ending that truly feels right, feels earned, feels worthy, that is a rare and wonderful thing. In the past decade I think I've seen two. One was the magnificent final flash forwards of “Six Feet Under.” But that series ultimately felt like bookends on a romance novel collection. Sturdy beginning and end with some questionable material in the middle. The other was the finale of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”

The genius of Buffy was always in its scope. A show about a blonde cheerleader who kills vampires taken at face value is silly. For reference, please see the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” movie. But a television show that takes the fantastical world of vampires and demons and uses it as a metaphor for the trials and tribulations of everyday life, now that's something worth staying home for on Tuesday nights. It's not that Buffy was always perfect. In fact, the sixth season was kind of a hot mess. But the writers and creator Joss Whedon had a vision for the stories they wanted to tell.

That one of the greatest feminist series on television was dreamed up by a man should not, despite what you may think, be considered ironic. In fact, it is the very definition of feminism – the belief that men and women are intrinsically equal and capable and important. To that end “Chosen,” Buffy's final episode, was the culmination of everything the show sought to say in seven seasons. That every girl in the world world can have the power, can stand up. That speech still gives me goosebumps. I will always miss that show. But thanks to its near-perfect finale, it will forever rest in peace in my heart. Happy weekend, all.

A woman targeted

What I've seen of Jimmy Fallon's late night debut this week can best be described in one word: twitchy. He is twitchy and awkward and a little clammy. It's kind of like reliving that ill-advised date you went on your freshman year with that guy you knew would never, ever get to see your boobs. Now, granted, I've never been a big fan of Fallon solo. With Tina Fey at the Weekend Update anchor desk, sure. On his own making asinine movies, meh. So I wasn't expecting much from his new after-hours chatfest. But I certainly never expected thievery. Yes, thievery. And from my Fake Internet Girlfriend Sarah Haskins, no less.

Not cool, Jimmy Fallon. NOT COOL.

You see, Jimmy debuted a segment called “Target Demographics” on his show this week. And, well, it's kind of familiar. He talks about a target demographic he hopes to reach complete with a logo featuring a target. And Sarah just happens to have this crazy show called “Target Women” where she, talks about women as a target demographic complete with a logo featuring a target. Gosh, now that's what I call a regular coinkydink. (p.s. Who did Fallon's graphic? Dude, my grandma can Photoshop better than that.)

But the proof, as always, is in the pudding. Yummy, yummy chocolate pudding. And by pudding, of course, I mean the supposedly amusing diversionary segment. Behold:

Jimmy's “Target Demographic”


Sarah's “Target Women”

Well, clearly, there is no contest in this Targetgate. Sarah's is a funny, feminist take on an absurd marketing practice. Jimmy's is a silly, stereotypical bit that glorifies the clichés associated with a group of people.

But it's the similarities that make me go grrrr. Sure, they have different intents. And, definitely, one is funnier. Still, trust me, I am not the only one that has noticed. Heck, even Sarah has noticed. So, like any good new media type, she tweeted about it.

That's right, Jimmy Fallon. Nobody steals from my Fake Internet Girlfriend. This is war. Prepare the battle paint. It. Is. On!

Post Traumatic L Syndrome

Kittens, there is only one more. One. More. Uno, totally not dos. Yep, just one more ride on the crazy lesbo train that is “The L Word.” While it's hard to think of a world without the possibility of another smoking Tibette sex scene or another adorkable Alice moment or another charming Helana Britishism or another very Shane today ensemble or another “Baby girl!” Kit-clamation, it also feels like it's time. Or more like, it's been time for quite a while now. This season with all its inherent frustrations and illogical conclusions has shown us that good characters with talented actresses can only take you so far. A show lives and dies by its writing. And at this point the writing is floating belly up with Jenny in the pool.

But, fear not. There will be life after The L. In fact, that's a whole other L word. This doesn't have to mean we've seen the last of Jennifer, Laurel, Leisha, Kate, Mia, Pam and Rachel. Just ask all the escapees alumni who have gone on to full and vibrant lives away from the madness that Mama Chaiken wrought. Freedom looks good on them, no?

Sarah Shahi

Post-L: From one L word to another, the star of “Life” has traded her headphone in for a handgun.
Verdict: Nothing is hotter than Carmen, but Carmen with cop arms? I'm sorry, I think I blacked out for a second.

Lauren Lee Smith

Post-L: From soup chef to “CSI,” she has gone from cooking to squinting.
Verdict: For the hat alone, Lara Perkins' disposition and intent will always leave me wanting more.

Janina Gavankar

Post-L: From player to intern, with sadly (well, or gladly, depending on your tolerance for whiny doctors) only a split-second of screentime on “Grey's Anatomy.”
Verdict: At least she didn't have to wear any silly hats on Grey's. Though I'm most excited about her upcoming stint on “Dollhouse.”

Erin Daniels

Post-L: From tennis star to a cop, a lawyer and a swinger (“CSI: NY,” “Saving Grace” and “Swingtown,” respectively.
Verdict: A+ for variety, at the very least. Though, yet another reason it's time for TLW to take its bow. Mama C made this kind of goodness stop three seasons too early.

And now for something completely different

So, yesterday was a crappy day. And it looks like the whole next week at work will be that way. Thank you, stupid economy. So instead of just wallowing (though, trust me, there will be wallowing...and alcohol), how about some sublime silliness? Because no matter what kind of shit sandwich life serves you, The Internets always has a baby panda sneezing as dessert to cheer you up.

Great for the office!


Some sandwiches you kill for.


Parlez vous humpback?


Though, really, how can you be mad at a universe that sees fit to make a pink dolphin?

Lather, rinse, repeat

One of the many things I love about Hillary Clinton (and please realize that the list is long and impressive and substantial before we even get to this one thing) is her hair. Yes, her hair. It's not that she has don't-hate-me-because-I'm-beautiful hair, per se. It's because she has real hair. You never know exactly what you're going to get. Girlfriend is like us. Some days her hair is all, "Get it, girl!" and other days her hair is all, "Girl, no." It's just so endearing it makes me want to hug her and talk about health care reform.

Now I realize the inherent pitfalls in talking about such an accomplished woman's hair. No one talks about President Obama's hair (it's lovely and the salt and pepper only make it more so) or John McCain's lack of hair (it's less lovely, considerably so). This discussion of hair is in no way a requisite when discussing women. I loathe how women's bodies and dress are more critiqued than men's, as much as I loathe myself for sometimes falling into the same sorry gender traps. This discussion isn't meant as a substitute for something substantive. And my lack of discussion of men's appearance on these pages can largely be attributed to my lack of discussion of men on these pages, period. I talk about the ladies, that's what I do.

So, now that all that's been said, seriously – the hair. Some days it's sleek and fabulous. Some days it's poofy and helmety. Other days it's flat and exhausted. It's hair, like our hair. Good hair days, bad hair days. It's not perfect, it's real. I love that. I also love that for the most part, except for idiots like me who insist on pointing it out, folks don't care. That's how it should be. That women and men are equal should be unquestioned. That women and men are different is also simply a fact. We can celebrate our differences while not belittling our unequivocal isonomy.

And with that, how about a look at our most distinguished Madame Secretary's hair. Why? Because I love her and her hair and the fucking fantastic brain that sits underneath it all. Also, honey, what's happening in that fourth picture? Girl, no.

Go ahead, underestimate me, sucker.Kind of a hard water day, huh.I have no idea where those lesbian rumors come from.Wait, I didn't know Hill played football.Even a Yale Law grad, First Lady, U.S. Senator and Secretary of State can pick the wrong conditioner.Get it, girl!