Music Monday: Cyndi & Bridget

I was looking for a little joy and also missing my favorite fictional friends from Manhattan, Kansas when I stumbled upon this video of Cyndi Lauper and Bridget Everett performing together in 2017. Now this was before “Somebody Somewhere” was a flicker in anyone’s eyes. But, goodness, if it doesn’t bring the joy. And these days, I’ll take any I can find. Guess that means it’s also time for a full series “Somebody Somewhere” rewatch. As it should be. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Am I the only one who still feels unsettled by the sudden death of Anne Burrell this June? It wasn’t necessarily that her death was ruled a suicide, which is of course tragic. And I hope anyone contemplating the end knows you aren’t alone. Nor should we necessarily be surprised that the circumstances of her passing seemed at odds with her public persona. I’m not even truly talking about the fact that it was only posthumously that I realized Anne was actually bi (or pan, however she identified) and not lesbian as I had assumed since she first entered our collective consciousnesses with that female Guy Fieri hair. What makes me feel weird and hasn’t ceased to seem off is how the Food Network has basically not handled her death or memorialized her in any way. They just keep plugging her final season of “The Worst Cooks in America” as if nothing has happened. And I say this as a person who watched the so-called “memorial” to Anne that the network aired right after her death which was just a random assortment of “Guy’s Grocery Games” where she appeared and, again, never mentioned her death. What a sad, unceremonious ending for someone who was as much a face of that network’s early success as any dude who ate on camera. Put some respect on her name, Food Network. And rest in peace, Anne. Happy weekend, all.

Princess Treatment

Deborah and Ava crawled so Christine Baranski and King Princess could soar! I mean, not really, for either of them. But wasn’t it fun when we thought maybe it could be? Last week there was a brief shining moment when it seemed maybe the 73-year-old actress and the 26-year-old singer were an item. I mean, how else should we have interpreted the Instagram hard launch with the hashtag #loveislove?

Anyway, turns out the “Nine Perfect Strangers” co-stars are just intergenerational BFFs. Who hold hands! And wear cute suits together! Duh! Stop being weird about it! Or get much, much weirder. Your call.

Great British (Queer) Bake Off

Has this week been all about catharsis and self-soothing? What of it? You handle late-stage capitalism amid the dismantling of our foundational institutions by a bunch of real-life authoritarian fascist cosplayers your way and I will handle it mine. Anyway, where was I? Self-soothing!

Thank goodness my favorite comfort show is back, and it appears gayer than ever. “The Great British Bake-Off,” known as “The Great British Baking Show” in America because capitalism is bullshit, returns to Netflix Sept. 5.

The new season features three kind of adorable looking gay men and one queer woman who is also a drag king. Yes, I know, skip to the good part. But first to honor of baking brothers, here are Aaron, Leighton and Tom. You can read about them on your own time.

But Jessika, ah, Jessika.

Per her official Bake-Off bio:

“With backflips as bold as her bakes, Jessika is a gymnastic, roller-skating Drag King whose creations are as vibrant as her personality. Gifting bakes is her love language, and she’ll spend months gathering information about her friends tastes before surprising them with the perfect birthday entremet. Raised in Cornwall, Jessika has fond memories of eating corner-shop cakes with her sister after dance classes, which solidified her sweet tooth. Her signature bakes fuse daring flavours like salted mango caramel and cardamom, or Jerusalem artichoke caramel with a dark chocolate mousse. When she’s not baking, Jessika’s on skates, cycling, or performing as her drag king persona. An ambitious baker, she’s all about pushing boundaries, in the kitchen and beyond.”

Per her Instagram, which features a rainbow flag and pictures like this.

And abs like this.

Goodness. We haven’t had a queer woman to root for on GBBO since, gosh, was it Yan in 2017? Wait, it can’t be that long. I mean last year Gill should have been a lesbian. But, wow. Yeah, we were due. But a drag king? And a top bun? Oh, GBBO, you’re almost spoiling us.

Hedda Betta

Yes, more reason to look forward to fall. But, dammit, I’m going to have to borrow someone’s Prime Video account for a couple hours. I’ve been trying to give Jeff less of my money because fuck billionaires. But now I fear my lack of access will keep me from seeing Tess Thompson yearning over Nina Hoss in Nia DaCosta’s “Hedda.” The film is billed as a “provocative, modern reimagining” of Henrik Ibsen’s classic play “Hedda Gabler” and comes out Oct. 29.

Now Nia is the director behind the truly underrated (fuck incels) “The Marvels” – which made her the highest-grossing Black female director of all time. And you of course remember Nina as Cate Blanchett’s character’s long-suffering wife in “Tár.” I don’t think I need to re-introduce Valkyrie. I have to say, that’s some mighty convincing chemistry in just a few quick seconds of screen time between Tessa and Nina. And in case you were wondering, the “provocative, modern reimagining”-part is them having been in lesbian with each other in the past, apparently (since old Henrik didn’t exactly write that into the original). All I know is, damn, that’s hot.

Thanks, universe. We needed this. We deserve this.

Music Monday: I Scream, You Scream

Look, normally I wouldn’t just post a teaser to an album. Life’s hard enough these days. Gimme the whole thing. But, there’s just something so cathartic about this snippet from Florence + The Machine’s upcoming album “Everybody Scream.” I mean, of course there is the name. Who doesn’t need a scream right about now? And then there’s the release date, which is none other than Halloween. So we’ve all having a collective primal witchy scream into the darkest corners of the universe this Halloween? Maybe while casting a few well-aimed spells towards people and entities who 100% deserve it? You know, just some pumpkin-spice girly Vive la Révolution stuff. Let’s go, spooky-screamy season. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I have never been this excited about a horror movie, let alone a slasher film. But Gillian Anderson and Hannah Einbinder, as written and directed by the scarily talented queer, trans, nonbinary director Jane Schoenbrun can have that effect on people. So hurry up, already and finish up “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma.” I know you all finished shooting in June. So, clock is ticking. Someone needs some extremely hot scares. Look, there’s not a lot to look forward to right now, I’ll take what I can get. Happy weekend, all.

Creepy, yet still somehow hot. Like I was saying, hurry up. I need this.

Any Gays in the Building?

Remember when Mabel was gay for a season? Ah, good times. Anyway, I can’t be too salty about a series that gave us Meryl Streep and Martin Short’s on-screen and real-life romances because, I can’t help it, I still love love. But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, “Only Murders in the Building” is back for its fifth season of murder and podcasting. And this time Renée Zellweger will be joining the cast. Bridget Jones and Miranda Priestly in the same television universe? I’ll take it. Also, there will be at least one real gay. I see you, Beanie Feldstein.

No Bed of Roses

Is watching a straight couple try to destroy each other some kind of reparations for the efforts to overturn marriage equality? Because nice try, but no deal. But I am happy to see renowned homosexuals Kate McKinnon and Ncuti Gatwa appear to be cheerleading their downfall (albeit while perhaps playing straight – whatever, if they can play gay we can play straight). I have no idea whether this reboot of the 1989 black comedy with Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch in the roles made famous by Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas will be good. But did I mention Allison Janney is also in this thing? Like, even if it isn’t good, the cumulative number of good actors makes me know it’ll go on a watchlist when it comes to whatever streamer it’s gonna come to. What? I said there was no deal. I ain’t paying for no ticket.

Over Like That

What the fuck was that, quite literal, shit? Like, really and truly, that was shitty. If you’re like me, you have continued to struggle through successive seasons of “And Just Like That…” because of your Cosmopolitan-colored nostalgia about “Sex and the City.” While I think, for the most part, the reboot’s biggest flaws come from trying too hard to atone for its past sins – and also not exactly knowing what to do with middle-aged women with middle-aged problems – the finale felt a little bit like it hated middle-aged women altogether. Or, perhaps, it hated its middle-aged female viewers – though truly its female viewers of all ages.

How else can you explain subjecting us to literal turds. Poop. Fecal matter. Shit, actual shit, was one of the final indelible images of a show its largely female fanbase has invested the last 27 years of their lives in. And we had to listen to two – TWO – different men pee. Maybe that was for the gay men, but still. What?

And don’t get me started on Miranda’s final scenes involving her literally on her knees cleaning up someone else’s shit. Like, what did Cynthia Nixon do to Michael Patrick King to deserve Miranda’s crown as No. 1 Cringe Queen through the entire series run?

As much as I grouse about “And Just Like That…” it remains one of the few major TV series with a main cast composed entirely of 50-and-60-something female stars. And that matters. I still like these characters, and I will always love the sisterhood they created. Their friendship remains the draw, and I’m glad at least they all still have each other. No, we won’t be mentioning Samantha. We already had real shit to deal with. We’ve suffered enough.

p.s. Also don’t get me started with the giant doll.

p.p.s. Honestly, I think my favorite part was hearing the O.G. “Sex and the City” theme play through the final credits. Cosmos up, ladies, for the memories.

Music Monday: Good Rapp

Oh, Renee Rapp. Does anyone seem to be enjoying their sapphic icon status more than Renee? Yeah, don’t think so. And good for her, because she should be enjoying it. Also, leave it to a lesbian to bring a ladder to her appearance on Colbert. You know, in case any of the stage lights need replacing, or a bookshelf installed or something. Never change, Renee. Never change. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

In honor of Kritsin Scott Thomas’s directorial debut (a.k.a. The film that cast Scarlett Johansson and Freida Pinto as lesbians), how about some long-overdue KST love. Now I’ve been a fan for years (truly, years). Honestly it’s ever since she admitted to being “a lesbian once in school” in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” that I know KST was a real one. And how could you not fall for her all over again as a menopausal lesbian woman in business on “Fleabag.” So I hope her new film “My Mother’s Wedding” is as lovely as she is. And thanks, regardless, for the Scarlett and Freida pairing. Also did I mention KST is 65? *low whistle* Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Devil Wears Prada 2

Well, well, well – turns out they did move at a glacial pace. But 19 years later, Meryl, Anne, Emily, Stanley & Co are back – or should we say fashionably late? – for “The Devil Wears Prada 2.” Now, I know there was nothing explicitly sapphic about the original movie. But it starred Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt and Stanley Tucci – it’s at the very least queer adjacent. Ally, and all that. Thanks to the ubiquitous invasion of cameras and unrelenting aggressiveness of the algorithms, I’ve been fed a nonstop stream of live shots of the cast filming on the streets of New York recently. I find significant glee watching Anne chase after Meryl again. And, as I was saying, while no one in the cast is queer, Anne’s suit is 100% bi curious.

The Hunt Is On

So I have not watched “The Hunting Wives” yet because I’ve never been a huge fan of primetime soaps and/or shows about Republicans. But because of the algorithm I know that the show serves up some steamy sapphic scenes, including between stars Malin Akerman and Brittany Snow. So I ask those who have tuned in, uh, is it worth it? It’s not my kind of show, but I also can’t resist a good wlw storyline. So, thoughts? Does someone have a channel that clips just the gay bits for us? I’m not big into guns or rich people in Texas. But I’ll watch red state some sweet lady kisses if you say they’re worth it.

Tank Top Tuesday: Muscle Mommies

OK, fine. These evening gowns are admittedly stretching the definition of tank top to their furthest extremes. But when Azzi Fudd (a.k.a. Paige Buecker’s Girlfriend) and Ilona Maher (a.k.a. Olympic Ruby Hottie) pose with their guns out together, you have to appreciate their armless appeal. Regardless of the style choices, I say thank you for the exposure – so to speak. Go sportsball*!

*It should go without saying I mean women’s sportsball from here on out.

Music Monday: Melissa & The Girls

Just about a week ago this was me. I was here. The Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls Yes I Am Tour was a shot of pure queer nostalgia right to the heart. I and the thousands of other middle-aged lesbians in the crowd sang ourselves hoarse and couldn’t have left happier. Granted, even at a Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls concert there will always be some big-headed dude in the way for some reason. But, you know, we make our own joy despite the incursions. (But, seriously, stop bringing your husbands to these shows or at the very list make sure they stay seated.) So please enjoy this deep cut lesbionic duet, and ignore the enormous man. It’s kind of the best way to go through life, don’t you think? Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

The lesbian longing song of the summer comes, of course, from Chappell Roan. In her first official music video since her breakout success last year, the singer brings us a universally relatable ditty about the agony of lost love – wrapped in some Lady Godiva meets Ophelia meets Cousin Itt imagery. In short, it’s fan-fucking-tastic. And so, so queer. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Emmy Nominees Thursday

This year’s Emmy nominees have some pretty queer nominees. And pretty queer nominees who made history to boot. While I will argue that “Somebody Somewhere” deserved more love (though huge bravo to Jeff Hiller/Joel). I also enjoy how all the nominees have their own, distinctive, definitively gender fucky style. So here’s a gay old cheer to the nominees. May all you gaymos take home the trophy next month.

Bella Ramsey, Best Actress in a Drama

They became the first nonbinary performer to earn multiple Emmy nominations, with a second consecutive lead in a drama series acting nod for “The Last of Us.” Also, sick suit.

Ayo Edebiri, Best Actress & Directing in a Comedy

Ayo became the first woman to be nominated in both a directing and acting category in the same year for her work in “The Bear.” This also makes her the first Black woman and first queer woman to be nominated for directing and acting categories in the same year. Yes, chef, indeed. (Also, you and Julia better kiss.)

Hannah Einbinder, Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy

I want Ava to have a real win this next season of “Hacks,” and a girlfriend. I mean the throuple was fun and all, but give the ladies what they want. And by ladies I mean me.

Kristen Kish, Best Host for a Reality/Competition

I cannot say I condone this white lace suit. But I also definitely don’t condemn it. I’m Switzerland about it, but Switzerland with a wandering eye. What, Padma is gone. It’s OK.

Cherry Jones, Best Guest Actress in a Drama

I stopped watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” after the first season because life is hard enough, you know. But do you remember when Cherry played a lesbian in that TV movie with Brooke Shields?

Cynthia Erivo, Best Guest Actress in a Comedy

I wish Cynthia would wear more suits. Also while I love basically everything about “Poker Face,” I hate the Columbo story structure where you know whodunnit at the start. So I never saw her episode.

Robby Hoffman, Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series

Did you know the Hacks guest star married “Bachelor/Bachelorette” and “Traitors” star Gabby Windey this year? Like, former Bachelor Nation stars are lezzing it up everywhere!

Tar Meets Pretty Woman

And I’m back. How about we ease back into the routine with a little “Tar” meets “Pretty Woman” – minus Richard Gere. The new #MeToo drama from sexually charged auteur of the moment Luca Guadagnino (“Challengers,” “Queer” and that peach movie with the cannibal) returns with “After the Hunt.” Set in the world of ivy league academia, Julia Roberts plays a well-liked professor with perhaps the most famous laugh in the world alongside a colleague played by Andrew Garfield and mentee played by Ayo Edebiri. Andrew’s character gets accused by Ayo of assault, and the Cancel Culture wars begin. And because this is Luca he sprinkles in some gay flakes, with the implication that Ayo’s character is attracted to Julia’s. I mean, they both wear a lot of nice blazers, so I can see it. If this all reminds you a little too much of “Tar,” you’re not wrong. Except they’ve removed the direct contact and made a man the monster, which – hey, if the shoe fits. (Andrew seems lovely in real life, but ever since “The Social Network” him and Jesse Eisenberg – also apparently lovely in real life – have had the most punchable faces to me.) Anyway. I never know how to feel about these kinds of stories, because none of this shit would be dramatic if we just believed women in the first place. At least they both look nice in a gray suit with gold accessories. And, it is almost Thursday after all.

Vacation Vixen: Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig

Be honest, a Shane/Alice relationship would have been better than that Jenny/Shane abomination.

Vacation Vixen: Hannah Einbinder

Again, if I was 20 years younger I’d have the biggest crush on Hannah Einbinder. But being age-appropriate and respectful I’ll just say that’s one talented young woman. Who also looks very good in a suit. What? I am old, not dead.

Vacation Vixen: Isabela Merced

I have not started the second season of “The Last of Us,” despite it having all the Ellie and Dina goodness. I just couldn’t make myself tune back into the end of the world for fun while the real world was so decidedly unfun. But I plan to, someday. You know, maybe once the world starts to suck just a little less.

Vacation Vixen: Kristen Stewart & Léa Seydoux

Just a little gender-fuck Ozzie & Harriet cosplay for your Thursday.

Vacation Vixen: Jennifer Love Hewitt

It would be easy to lump Jennifer Love Hewitt into the 90s class of three-named stars who could sometimes feel interchangeable. But, of course, the truth was they were all real people just trying to make it in a business that already treats talent as interchangeable. What Jennifer and other stars of her era had to endure for their stardom – the blatant, unrelenting sexism, body shaming and sexualization was also not unique. But it was wrong, and sadly continues in shamefully similar ways today. Since she returned for the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” reboot, she walked the red carpet for the premier. And, of course, a bunch of mouth-breathing men had things to say on the Internet about her body and how it has changed in the last 28 years. Anyway, I’ll spare you the details. But suffice it to say she looked fucking hot and everyone who thinks otherwise can sincerely go fuck themselves.

Vacation Vixen: Sandra Oh

Well, I’m not really on vacation right now. I’m at a work conference, which then will turn into an extended weekend vacation. But the bottom line still stands, I’m away. As always, I will leave you with some lovely vixens. To start, how about the magnificent Sandra Oh. Wait, my sincerest apologies, Dr. Sandra Oh. The recent honorary doctorate recipient, all-time badass stopped by Stephen Colbert shortly after his (obviously political) cancellation was announced. And, well, did I mention I love her?

Music Monday: Raise Your Hand for Public Broadcasters

At the end of this week, I will be seeing our Girls again. I have truly lost count how many times I’ve seen Amy and Emily perform live. I must be closing in on an even dozen at this point. And each time is like a warm hug. These are the songs I sang to myself as I was figuring out who and what I was. The Indigo Girls were gay and political and right about it all from the very start They have never wavered in their activism. As much as their music is a rite of passage (see what I did there?) for burgeoning queer women, it’s also a clarion call. In this moment, when so much progress is being destroyed, it’s important to remember who we want to be – as a country. Are we a place where public broadcasting like NPR and PBS flourishes and keeps every community no matter how remote informed, where scientists are hard at work trying to solve our worst diseases and hardest problems at places we fund for the public good like the NIH and EPA and FDA and NOAA. Or are we just going to be a country that just spends its money on punishment and so-called protection, like ICE and Border Patrol and the rest of our overstuffed and overfunded military industrial complex. I know what that Orange Turd and his minions want and are doing. What will we do in response? One of the easiest things you can do is support your local NPR and PBS station. Make a donation, become a member. Listen, learn, fight back. Happy Monday, kittens.

Raise your hands
Raise your hands high
Don't take a seat
Don't stand aside
This time don't assume anything
Just go go go

Donate PBS: https://www.pbs.org/about/about-pbs/support-pbs
Donate NPR: https://www.npr.org/donations/support

My Weekend Crush

I know, more sportball stuff! If you’ve ever once had a real-life crush on a sporty girl, I’m pretty sure at some point you also had a crush on soccer superstar Tobin Heath. The US Women's National Team standout, two-time Olympic gold medalist and two-time World Cup champ is the embodiment of the lean, lanky sporty jock lesbian aesthetic. Her relationship with fellow soccer star and teammate Christen Press has been an open secret for close to a decade. And while they’ve been out for a while now, they only recently confirmed their marriage. Sneaky, sneaky. Tobin snuck in a my “wife and former teammate” while discussing her decision to retire from professional soccer earlier this month. So good for them, and her. Enjoy that retirement and we know. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: StudBudz Edition

As you well know, I’m not much for the sportball. But I have been coming to the slow realization in recent years that it’s not sports I dislike watching, it’s men playing sports. Women playing sports, well, that’s something entirely different. So imagine my delight at the unabashed queer joy that was the StudBudz 72-hour live stream during WBNA All-Star Weekend. For the uninitiated the StudBudz are Minnesota Lynx ballers and besties Courtney Williams and Natisha Hiedeman. I can’t get into all the shenanigans and couple confirmations but it was popular enough to get The New York Times to write a “Who are the StudBuz” thinkpiece. Which in this political climate feels like a real, solid win. Two out queer Black women, two masc female athletes, two unabashed studs being celebrated for being joyous and authentic ambassadors for their league – which just happens to be filled with other queer and Black women who kick ass on the court. Yeah, I don’t hate sports. I love women’s sports.

Much Meg

Let’s spread a little more queer joy because goodness we deserve it. I’m tickled at the rise of Megan Stalter. Social media star turned “Hacks” star turned burgeoning superstar, her rise has been fun and funny to watch. I’ve loved the evolution of Kayla on “Hacks” to be more than just the constant annoyance. And it’s been Megan’s vulnerability that has helped make Kayla more than a punchline. So I’m thrilled to see her career take off with her own show as star of the new Netflix series “Too Much.” While I’m not entirely sold on Lena Dunham (yes, I watched “Girls,” but still), I do enjoy Megan’s energy. Also, I know she’s coming back to “Hacks” next season so I can cheer on her other endeavors without fear. I believe she is what the kids today call a real bisexual baddie. Also, I’m tickled by how in love she is with her girlfriend. And anyone willing to wear a sash that says “Best Gay Actor” wins in my book.

Also, did you catch the glorious chaos of her Colbert interview last week?

p.s. Speaking of Colbert. We all knew his show got canceled because Trump made it a condition of his lawsuit settlement. And while that may on its surface seem like just another stupid, petty, and vindictive move from a small man with even smaller hands, what it is is textbook authoritarianism. Silence your critics, squash those who mock you. First they came for the late-night talk show hosts, but actually late night talk-show hosts are like the 200,000th thing he’s come for after immigrants, political protestors, former prosecutors, public and private universitiers, political rivals, scientists, humanitarian workers, park rangers, climate researchers, Rosie O'Donnell…

Tank Top Tuesday: Plain White Tank Edition

You know it, you love it. The plain white tank. No, we will not ever again call it that thing we used to call it in the late 1990s and early 2000s. But we can certainly still appreciate this classic. Though, just to be safe, how about we ban men from wearing them? You know, until we can figure out what is going on. There’s a lot of stuff we should ban them from, but I guess we gotta start somewhere. So, let us decree it, the plain white tank is for women only. Now, onto everything else. Until then, please enjoying these ladies exercising their right to bare arms. No, obviously, not that kind.

Renee Rapp

I’m mad at whoever didn’t turn the camera horizontal here. But, not at Renee. Never at Renee.

Samira Wiley

I could never look that cool leaning over to play pool with armholes that big. Respect.

Jodi Balfour

It just still makes me so stoked that she is married to Abbi Jacobson. I feel like “Broad City” Abbi would be just as stoked – probably more.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

More than 20 years later and SMG can still hit that Buffy pose flawlessly. Like if the apocalypse comes, I definitely think we should still beep her.

Melissa King

She looks great in a plain white tank and backwards ballcap AND she can cook? Nini, damn girl.

Lucy Dacus

New goal unlocked: Be serenaded with haunting, ethereal sad lesbian love songs by a hottie wearing a plain white tank top.

Kate Moennig

Forever Shane, Shane Forever.

Music Monday:

The thing about Joan Jett is, while she continues to be private about her personal life, I don’t think anyone could argue that she hasn’t been clear about her sexuality. You can’t cover “Crimson and Clover” like this, in 1981 no less, and not know what you’re doing. And you can’t continue to play it throughout your career, and present as she presents throughout her career, without making it abundantly clear. Joan Jett is queer icon, period. Anyone who might think otherwise, as she told The New York Times a while back, can eat me. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I had heard about Andrea Gibson, the queer poet, before their death on Monday. But, because of the benign and, yes, also sometimes sadly malignant chaos of daily life, I had never gotten around to experiencing their work until after their passing. So, needless to say, this week has been both an education and memorial wrapped up in one. I have found myself moved to quiet tears at the ways Andrea expressed their joy for life even as it fought them tooth and nail for every extra day. But nothing, nothing, was more moving than watching Andrea read a poem they had written, “'Love Letter From the Afterlife,” for and to their wife, fellow poet Megan Falley. The small, “Jesus Christ,” from Meg at the end. May we all love and be loved so hard in our lives that it defies the afterlife. Happy weekend, all.

Movie Review: The Old Guard 2

I really, really wanted to love “The Old Guard 2.” Same cast, same mission – and now with added Uma! What’s not to like? Plus, hello, the payoff of Andy and Quỳnh reuniting after 500 years was gonna be epic, right? Well. Alas, the sequel lacks the kinetic elegance and narrative panache of the first film, due in no small part to the absence of original director Gina Prince-Bythewood.

This time around, Andy and Co. are battling The First Immortal, Discord – played by Uma Thurman. Discord, as her name suggests is generally bad news. I mean she’s an arms dealer so that tracks. The second film plays a little faster and looser with our immortal heroes’ immortality – they seem to heal much faster than they did in the first one. And some other parts of their mythology felt forced this time out. It also shamelessly underuses KiKi Layne as Nile, who learns from Discord that she is the last Immortal.

But my biggest beef with the sequel is how it still triptoes around Andy and Quỳnh’s romantic past. Sure, we can infer they were more than just besties who kicked ass together. Or, you know, “roommates.” Yet they continue to deny us any glimmer of their sapphic past together. And, SPOILER ALERT, Charlize and Veronica Ngô don’t even kiss once. For a film series that has so lovingly has depicted – and shown – the love between Joe and Nicky, two gay men who have loved and fought side-by-side for centuries, to refuse to show us the same with Andy and Quỳnh seems incongruous to say the least. I mean, look, I get it. Girlfriend is PISSED that Andy didn’t keep looking for her. And 500 years is a long time to process your relationship during watery torture. But, still – flashbacks exist, people.

I’m still glad I watched and, SPOILERS AGAIN, there is hope that the third film might finally give us the Andy/Quỳnh goodness we deserve. I mean, was this whole film just a long lesbian makeup session? We can only hope. At least Charlize kept swinging that labrys the whole movie. And she manages to make that mullet look, well, I mean, she’s still Charlize Theron after all.

Engayged

OK, fine, so I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer this week. It’s just all the masked heavily armed men grabbing people off the streets and throwing them into unmarked vans has just got me down for some reason. And, you know, everything else. But here’s some good gay news. Because we still deserve joy… I think. No, we definitely deserve joy. So mazel tov to Hayley Kiyoko and Becca Tilley who got en-gay-ged last week. The singer/actress/Lesbian Jesus and former Bachelor contestant apparently have been dating since 2018, but publicly hard launched their relationship in 2022. So, good for them. No, really. Good for them. They look happy and sun-kissed and gay. I’ll take any good news I can get, and happy queers is no small feat in these times.

Just Rosie

Right, so maybe I owe Rosie an apology. Because when she fled the country at the start of Trump’s term, it felt a bit like an abandonment. And, of course, it was only possible through no small amount of privilege. But, damn, if she didn’t precisely predict exactly how unhinged that Orange Turd would become. Because, like can you imagine if truly any other President of the United States – Republican or Democratic – declared that lesbian comedian and actress Rosie O’Donnell was a “threat to humanity” and then threatened to revoke her citizenship. Like, setting aside the fact that no president can single out individual native born citizens and take away their citizenship just because he doesn’t like them, this is just such petty bullshit from the so-called Most Powerful Man in the World. Don’t worry, I’m well aware that harassing a former daytime talk show host is on the lower level of fucked up shit Trump has done in his second term. But still. The intentional lawlessness of all their actions and threats are straight out of the fascist playbook. I just know 77 million people did vote for this. So I wonder, are they cheering or just not paying attention. Or somehow both?

I know attacking a lesbian comedian might seem just silly. But it follows his continued assault on LGBTQ+ identity and rights. The banning of trans existence has been one of this administration's cornerstone policies. Kicking out trans service members. Refusing to use correct gender markers for trans and nonbinary citizens on passports and other federal documents. Subpoenaing medical centers that dare to provide youth gender affirming care. Erasing the “T,” and even at least some of the “B” from the Stonewall National Monument website. wonder if the so-called Log Cabin Republicans will ever feel ashamed. Or if our so-called allies who still voted for him because of the price of eggs will ever feel stupid.

Anyway, sorry, Rosie. You were right. Would that we could all get the fuck out.

Music Monday: Marching Again

Curse America and our terrible short-term memory. Because this song came out during the first Trump presidency. Remember that? Remember?? White supremacists running down protestors. Migrant mothers and fathers being torn away from their children. That Orange Turd himself telling us to maybe inject bleach during the pandemic. Yet here we are again. And it’s so much worse. Every breaking news alert edges us closer to a full-on dystopian hellscape of 77-million of our fellow citizens making. (Not my making, I voted for her.) Anyway, yeah. We made it to another week, so there’s that. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s not Pride anymore. But I wanted to salute these Pride Hard Launches that slipped in late in the month. How did people announce their relationships before Instagram? So belated mazel tov to Elliot Page who hard launched on the Gram with “Overcompensating” star Julia Shiplett. This is Elliot’s first public relationship since coming out as trans I believe, so very much good for him. Also the kids today seem to love “Overcompensating.” Truly well done all around. And congrats to Top Chef-testants Melissa King and Nini Nguyen who Storied their hard launch. I just watched Nini in “24 in 24: Last Chef Standing” (yes, I watch all the Food network slop) and Melissa has always been *swoon*. These cuties all deserve each other. More happy queers being happy queers together makes my heart happy, and we could all use happier hearts. Happy weekend (and hearts), all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Big Suited Sapphics

Look, nobody loves this Really Big Suits trend on female celebrities more than me. Hello, I named a whole day after my obsession with women in suits. But lest all those straight starlets forget, the lesbians and other WLWs were the O.G. And, obviously, we wear it the best. And here are just a few choice receipts.

Jenna Lyons

Pinstripe always.

Sarah Paulson

Oh, Paulson. You scamp.

Amandla Stenberg

As I was saying about pinstripe.

Lucy Dacus

Is she starring in a Cameron Crowe movie, or is she a lesbian?

Renee Rapp & Towa Bird

Per my previous emails about pinstripes.

Kate Moennig & Leisha Hailey

Shane and Alice 4Eva (but, platonically, because ew).