All Matlocked In

It’s morning everyone! Today’s the day! The sun is shining and the TV is clean! I mean, the TV is ready for the next episode of the new “Matlock!” With apologies to Finding Nemo, boy, did they make us wait for episode 2. Almost four whole weeks! Plus that twist? I’ll keep that “Matlocked” for now – even if I never intend to use that term again because, oh dear, it sounds so fetch-y. While my enjoyment of this show has never made my age bracket feel older, I will continue to unapologetically stan for Kathy Bates taking down [cause redacted] through the power of simply being a smart old lady who knows how to work the legal system.

Walking With a Ghost Hacker/Stalker

Uh, how fucked up is this? Remember when I said Tegan & Sara were part of a documentary that chronicles their years-long ordeal with a stalker/hacker who catfished their fans and generally made their lives hell? Well now, you can watch it starting Friday on Hulu. What a crazy, scary and definitely not cool thing to have happen to one of the most iconic lesbian musical acts out there, and their fans. Fandom is so interesting in the first place, but for someone to fully create a Fake Tegan persona and then proceed to catfish many, many fans and more for YEARS. Wow. That is some truly, truly deranged dedication. And talk about the ultimate disaster scenario in the annals of parasocial fan relationships. I don’t know if they ever get justice or find Fake Tegan (like, wow, did they keep this whole horrid ordeal under wraps – understandably), but I do know I’ll be double-checking all my password strengths and two-factor authentications.

Tank Top Tuesday

Look, it may well be full-on October and fall and spooky season and whatnot. But that doesn’t mean we can’t give tank tops one last nostalgic hurrah for the year. Especially if those tank tops are seasonally accessorized, à la Leisha here. I mean who doesn’t love keeping things a little corny? Bonus points because October is LGBTQ+ history month and every featured tank top belongs to a historic LGBTQ+ person. I mean, we’re all part of history technically, right?

Leisha Hailey

Sports bras count, you know this. Especially in California where it still very much feels like summer.

Emma Corrin

I used to have strong feelings about armpit hair but now honestly I can’t be arsed in the least bit over it. Also more hardcore gardening pics from celebrities, please. That’s exactly my kink.

Megan Thee Stallion

Scary long nails for spooky sapphic season? As long as they’re paired with a tank top. And, obviously, that tongue. Ahem.

Jenny Lyons

Suspenders also fall under the stapped-top-without-covered-arms tank top umbrella. Please make your fall fashion choices appropriately.

Hayley Kiyoko & Becca Tilley

Lesbian Jesus and Becca Tilley seem very happy and in love in adventurous places in tank tops. So good for them.

Laurie Hernandez

I wish the Olympics were on all the time so we could have Laurie’s wonderfully engaging gymnastic commentary all the time. Even if, uh, this top is probably not broadcast appropriate. But it is appreciated. Ahem again.

Tessa Thompson

Don’t get too excited, that’s her lil sister. But, still, you know – aesthetically, thank you to good genes.

Music Monday: AMSR by Agatha

Admittedly, I’m not sure if ASMR counts as music. But, it is something people listen to so there’s that. Since Marvel is now fully leaning into Agathartio, I thought you might enjoy a little Agatha Coven ASMR to start your week off. Plus, two out of four of the cast featured here are out queers. And the other two, well certainly Patti and Kathryn is on her way, are queer icons. So, this is basically gay ASMR. I particularly enjoyed Aubrey Plaza calling a matchstick “bitch” (:52) and licking her knife (5:16). Also, don’t worry, this is really only 6 minutes but looped for the full hour. Anyone up for an invigorating nap? I mean who wouldn’t want to fall asleep to Aubrey gleefully stabbing logs (4:43)? Also, about Rio screaming, “No, no way! Her mother can't have her!” at the ghost of Agatha's mother? The ex-who knows all about the familial generational trauma vibes are vibing, my friends. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Add another to the files of, “Oh, I didn’t realize. But, yeah, that makes sense.” Chloë Grace Moretz has been quietly (or not so quietly, I don’t follow her directly) living her best gay life for the past six years. The actress of “The Miseducation of Cameron Post” fame started dating model Kate Harrison the same year that movie came out, apparently. And they’ve been happily Instagramming their lives together ever since it seems. Heck, even their Frenchie has an insta. So good for the happy couple, who recently posted from a wedding they attended together. Speaking of weddings, it’s been six years? Maybe put a ring on that, ladies? Or not? What do I know, I’m recently divorced. Anyway, mazel tov to the happy couple and happy couples everywhere. See, this is how you work on not becoming miserable single cat lady, JD. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. While I’m highlighting queer Gen Z stars, can we all get a big awww for Bella and their newly confirmed gf Maisy Stella (who I totally had to Google because of The Old).

Into the Lesbian Woods

Dear Kate McKinnon,

How do I get your life? Move to the woods? Build cabinets? Write a dang book? Dream of single-sex utopia existence? Like, watching Kate talk about her crush on the local professional cabinetmakers is a peak relatable lesbian experience. Geeking out about some artisan craft and making it our whole personality? How dare you expose the lesbian obsessive personality to the rest of the world like this! How dare you very much! Also writing a book in the woods? How do I get your life? I don’t necessarily want to make my own cabinets, but goodness so I have some thoughts on how to create an ideal backyard landscape. You know, in case you’re getting lonely out there living your best life in the woods and all.

All my best,

Ms. S

Edie Does it

Middle-aged sapphic shenanigans starring Edie Falco and Sepideh Moafi? Yes, please. I’ll even endure Michael Rapaport as a potential romantic foil. I don’t know much about “I’ll Be Right There” other than the few seconds of chemistry between Edie and Sepideh proves that “The L Word: Generation Q” had no idea what to do with Gigi. She’s the annoying ex! She’s the throuple hottie! She’s with Bette?!? So I’m thrilled to see her in bed with Edie and calling Bradley Whitford an “old man.” I hope we get to see more of her in this movie. A lot more.

Honestly, it’s just criminal it has taken Edie this long to play gay again. Again, you say? Yes, again. Unless we’ve all memory holed her role in “Tommy” as the first female and lesbian police chief of LA. That show was so well intentioned (like a West Wing but for Cops), but boy did it get promptly canceled. I mean, the pandemic hitting right then probably did not help either. Anyway, welcome back to the sapphic side, Edie. Bring Dr. Eleanor O'Hara with you too, while you’re at it. My Eve Best crush the “Nurse Jackie” days was vindicated thanks to HOTD.

Wherefore Art Thou, Agathario

Agathario is canon, y’all! You can’t watch what happened in last week’s episode of “Agatha All Along” and not acknowledge that Kathryn Hahn’s Agatha and Aubrey Plaza’s Rio had a past romantic relationship. All those little looks. All those long looks. That almost freaking kiss. This truly is the gayest Marvel project ever. I mean, just look at these sapphics being sapphic.

I mean even the New York Freaking Times even called Aubrey’s Rio the “romantic antagonist” to Kathryn’s Agatha. If the Paper of Record says it, it’s beyond canon. (Yes, I know, their coverage of many other issues can have many issues, but still...) Anyway, I don’t know what else is in store for Agatha and Rio and all the witches. But I am truly enjoying this show and its ridiculously talented cast. Plus, dissertations could be written about how much chemistry Aubrey Plaza generates between her female costars. Like, she can sizzle with Kristen Stewart and Kathry Hahn – now that’s range.

Music Monday: Don't Cry Edition

While there’s nothing explicitly gay about Patti LuPone’s performance of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” at the 1989 Tony Awards, clearly if you know anything about Patti or “Evita” or “Broadway” at all you know everything I just said was 100% intrinsically gay already. Right, where was I? Oh yes, Patti. I just wanted to give our resident musical theater icon a shout out because while she may get limited screen time on “Agatha All Along” she is certainly using it to maximum effect (also, often, to hilarious effect like her playing a new, rando instrument each time they panned to her during the musical episode last episode – and don’t know worry your pretty little heads I am sooo gonna talk about that episode tomorrow…) Also, this performance probably is the reason Patti remains salty about Madonna’s acting. And, really – after watching her belt it out, can you blame her? Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Sometimes it’s funny to remember when Angelina Jolie was seen as the untameable wild child of Hollywood. She of the razor-sharp cheekbones and pillowtop lips, with the blood vials and the brother kissing and the lady more-than-kissing and whatnot. I’ve admired how through the years she has carefully chosen her projects – going for more family friendly fare of late with Maleficent and Kung Fu Panda and The Eternals and all. I always thought her action hero era was too short. Anyone who saw her in “Salt” knows she could Jason Bourne the hell out of a series like that. If only the Lara Croft scripts were even halfway decent – alas. I have no idea if “Maria” will mark a new, prestige phase of her acting career. She has certainly earned the right, and respect, to pick whichever projects she chooses. Mostly, I’m just happy to see someone so clearly born to be a star (I mean, we all have eyes) on our screen again. Tres Jolie, indeed. Happy weekend, all.

Tiny (Lethal) Dancer

So, admittedly, there’s nothing particularly gay about the new trailer for “Ballerina,” the John Wick universe spinoff. Plus after watching Keanu summarily dispatch hordes of nameless suit-wearing adversaries through four films, the whole formula was starting to feel repetitive. John Wick is wronged. John Wick fixes the wrong by pretty much killing everyone. The end.

But darn it if I don’t fall for the young girl raised to be an assassin trope pretty much every time. Killing Eve. Black Widow. You name it, I’ve watched it.

So, OK fine, I will watch Ana de Armas shoot a lot of people with sideways Glock and stab people in the brain. Why not? Also, she reminds me a little of Eliza Dushku, who should have had a successful action career after Buffy but alas. (Though, she appears to be very happy and healthy working outside of Hollywood now, so good for her!) Anyway, as I was saying, more women kicking ass always.

The Aubrey & Patti Show

If you’ve ever wanted to hear Aubrey Plaza and Patti LuPone scream “Fuck off bitch!” at each other while eating hot wings, fuck yeah do I have the show for you. Now, you may never have thought you needed to see Aubrey and Patti grow increasingly more unhinged as the unspeakable heat from some hell sauce sizzles their neurotransmitters. But you would be wrong about that. Because, friends, I plan to save this video and rewatch it whenever I need a quick serotonin boost.

Honestly, this is probably the best 15 minutes you can spend today. Yes, I know you’ll also be able to watch them for another 30+ minutes camping it up in “Agatha All Along” tonight. And, don’t get me wrong, I am super enjoying that super gay show. But this? This is ART. Also, the innuendo! I mean Aubrey literally gushes, “I love you. I’m in love with you. I love you!” Which, truly, same about this whole video. Like I would watch a whole channel dedicated to these two telling stories about each other – especially if at least one of them is wearing a suit. Make it so, television gods! You owe the sapphics for all the canceled shows anyway!

Return to the End of the World

Holy, and I mean this sincerely, shit. Like, holy shit does the second season trailer for “The Last of Us” look good. Like holy shit, should I be feeling weepy about a trailer? Now, I haven’t played the video game. But I have a general sense of the emotional shitstorm that’s coming in the new season. And, of course, the sapphic relationship that made me pay any attention to a video game in the first place. This show is, to put it succinctly, scary as hell. But it’s also filled with so much quiet pathos, which is a hard duality to pull off. And, I am biased, but I love that a queer character (and actor) is at the heart of this show that has become a bit of a cultural phenomena. And it’s definitely not subtext or wishful gay thinking. It’s just a queer girl (played by a nonbinary actor) fighting to stay alive at the end of the world. I mean, holy shit, how cool is that?

Also, I was not expecting Moira Rose to pop up. But now I’m pretty sure I’d tell her each and every last one of my deep, dark secrets. And it’s reassuring to know that even during an apocalypse, playing acoustic guitar for a girl you like totally and completely works. (Well, for lesbians. Men are still advised to stop playing “Push” aggressively at women, per the Barbie rules.)

So, thoughts? As a non-gamer, I’m not sure what the exact dynamic will be between Bella Ramsey’s Ellie and Kaitlyn Dever’s Abby – but I’m guessing it’s not good. So that will be quite something to watch Bella and Kaitlyn square off (again, if they do – no spoilers). Also, are we already a little swoony about Isabela Merced as Dina? Because the way she looks at Ellie with that guitar, well, heart eyes is an understatement. Finding gay love in a desperate, mushroom apocalypse place? Holy shit, I can’t wait.

Music Monday: Season of the Witch Edition

Yes, I know, October doesn’t start until tomorrow. But my local hardware store had its Christmas display out in full force this past weekend. So I hardly think I’m jumping the seasonal gun here. May we all have a wild and witchy October. Spooky season can also be sexy season, if you know the right witches (with an assist from Joan Jett, of course). Happy Monday, kittens.