Thursday, March 14, 2024

Kate & Cate's Wee Party

Who do we have to kill to get these two in a movie together? I’m not going to set this up other than by saying, please delight in Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett telling stories about female peeing on the Graham Norton show recently. Again, who do we have to kill? We will do it. (Please Note: We would also be willing to do things a few steps below murder, but just keeping all options open for the best results – as one should when we’re talking Kate & Cate.)

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

We Can Hack It

Hacks! Is! BACKKKK! And, from the looks of things, pretty gay. Emphasis on “The Pretty” and “The Gay.” I’m just thrilled this show is returning to give us more May-December platonic female friendship/mentorship/proxy mother-daughter hilarity between Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder. I just love their dynamic. Though, I never really thought they worked as a couple-couple (despite Ava’s occasional daydreams). So I am equally thrilled to see Ava appears to have a new romantic interest in the new season in the incredibly shapely form of Christina Hendricks. Hello. Imma need to see this whole scene immediately, if not sooner.

I mean it. Release the footage! Or at least make this happen in the first episode of the season because three weeks is about all I can wait to see what happens after she gets that pesky top off.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Oscars SGALGG & GGALGG

How about them Oscars? I thought they were…fine. Truly, really fine. There were some nice moments. I enjoyed the past winners introducing each of the acting nominees. I liked Ken. I love love LOVED seeing Jodie Foster and her wife Alexandra Hedison attending their first Oscars together. But first, we start with the Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays, per ritual.

Annette Bening, Emma Stone & Lily Gladstone

Best Actress Cuddle Puddle

Regina King & Danielle Brooks

Shooting your shot on the red carpet.

Jamie Lee Curtis & Lupita Nyong'o

I included this photo because omfg Lupita’s back muscles.

Florence Pugh

I included this photo because omfg Flo’s everything.

Kerry Washington & Sandra Oh

If Kerry wanted to become an international assassin who falls in love/obsession with Sandra, I would watch that – but tell them to stay away from boat decks.

Emma Stone & Jennifer Lawrence & Sally Fields

Emma went May-December on her backstage makeouts.

America Ferrera & Gay Gals

I would watch an alternate universe Barbie where America’s Gloria runs off with Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie.
I would also watch an alternate universe Barbie where America was Barbie and Billie Eilish was Ken.
I would watch America, Lena Waithe and Cynthia Erivo read the phone book, among other things.

And the Best Lesbian Oscars Photo Goes To

Jodie and her wife Alexandra and Brandi Carlile & her wife Catherine Shepherd together at the Oscars after parties. Sometimes, it really does get better.

Monday, March 11, 2024

Music Monday: Kenough Oscars

Look, as a lesbian it pains me to say this, but those Oscars could have done with a lot more Ken. Last night’s show was fine. I liked the smorgasbord of Oscar winners saluting Oscar nominees. But all the frontrunners won. And, again, they let a dude steal the show. But at least it was a dude who did a gender-flipped homage to Marilyn Monroe in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.” Who also got some of the most talented women in the room to karaoke with him. So, you know, there’s that. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. Don’t worry, I’ve now had Kenough and will have more Oscar thoughts for you tomorrow.

Friday, March 08, 2024

My Weekend Crush

Well, friends. I’m going to have a bit of a reflective weekend. My ex-wife and I officially filed for divorce this week. So, as Carol Aird would say – well, that’s that. I’m fine. I’m actually really relieved we were able to come to this decision jointly and largely amicably. And it feels good to be officially moving on to the next chapter, whatever that may hold.

Thanks for being so supportive through My Little Life Impolision. It means more than I can express in words, letters and characters. Thankfully, we have Joni to help us in that department. And what is better than one Joni, but two Jonis? Think of it as “Both Sides,” then and now. So, again, thank you, kittens. And, well, that’s that. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, March 07, 2024

Honeymoon Period

Look, I don’t want to still be the person in this year of our Lesbian Jesus 2024 who gives out golf claps for major network shows that do the bare minimum when representing queer female couples. But can I just give a sincere golf clap to “NCIS: Hawaii” for finally remembering that Lucy and Whistler are the best/cutest/sexiest part of their show and they should put them together more, finally? Look, it’s still on CBS so we have to give them plenty of positive reinforcement. They’re new to all this, OK?

The third season of the NCIS spinoff has been a rather light on the lady law enforcement ladies loving lady law enforcement ladies action until now. One small peck and a joke about mochi is all we got. But when I read the description for this week’s episode which said “the team goes undercover as newlyweds” and I knew, I knew, they just had put Yasmine Al-Bustami’s NCIS agent Lucy Tara and Tori Anderson’s FBI Special Agent Kate Whistler together for a mission of sapphic subterfuge.

And they did! And it was great! And they bickered! And they kissed! On a balcony! With the freaking ocean as backdrop! And nary an eye was batted that they were playing lesbian newlyweds! See, CBS, you can do this.

And then this scene? Casual/not casual discussion of wedding expectations from a queer standpoint and subtle reminder that not everyone is allowed to have the same dreams. Again, golf clap, CBS. Though, come on, there’s no way Lucy would have resisted climbing that tree at the beginning there as they were hiding.

I’m going to need a lot more of these two this season, please. And more smooching. Look, you gotta earn those claps, CBS.

Wednesday, March 06, 2024

Get On the Bus

Well, I’m still recovering from Super Tuesday (I had some election-related work that kept me busy yesterday). So how about you enjoy The Girls on the Bus instead this morning as all us primary states awake from the voting haze. The new show is based on a former NYT Hillary Clinton campaign reporter’s memoir about covering the race and stars “Supergirl” alum Melissa Benoist, Carla Gugino and more as fellow reporters on the trail.

I know politics doesn’t feel very fun right now, because it isn’t fun. It’s life and death and the end of democracy stuff. So, instead, why not settle into a retelling of the 2016 election. I’m sure none of us have lingering PTSD about that or anything. I’ll be honest and say I’m not sure how much of this series I can stomach during another high stakes presidential election year. But I do see that at least one of the reporters is queer/into kissing girls. So, yeah, we’ll see if we can stomach the politics this time around. Admittedly, kissing hotties does help.

Tuesday, March 05, 2024

They're Just Funny

Hello, would you like to laugh – not just at the inherent absurdity of our world, but really funny people? Wait, let me rephrase that, would you like to laugh at a bunch of really funny genderqueer people? Wait, let me rephrase that again, would you like to laugh with a bunch of really funny genderqueer people? Sorry, didn’t mean to come off like a bully about to stuff them into lockers…

I’m excited to enjoy the mid-week pick me up of Hannah Gadsby’s new ensemble comedy special “Gender Agenda” which debuts today on Netflix. The special features ALOK, Chloe Petts, DeAnne Smith, Ashley Ward, Jes Tom, Mx. Dahlia Belle, and Krishna Istha. You might remember DeAnne as the creator of that lesbian hummus cartoon which, honestly, is still hilarious. Mostly I’m just excited to have Netflix platform more queer, trans and otherwise genderqueer folks instead of those transphobic asshats it keeps giving big contracts. Like Chappelle hasn’t been funny since George W. Bush was still in office, and yet.

So, anyway, let’s all have a good laugh at his expense thanks to these very funny queers. For him it’s definitely at and not with.

Monday, March 04, 2024

Music Monday: Craving k.d.

I was thinking about k.d. lang the other day. And I was thinking how in with our current class of queer music stars (boygenius, Renee Rapp, Janelle Monae et al) we sometimes overlook our O.G. butch lesbian icon. Like, “Constant Craving” probably awakened the nascent lesbian cravings of countless baby dykes. Yet k.d. doesn’t always get lumped into the same queer history conversations as a Melissa Etheridge or Ellen DeGeneres or Rosie O’Donnell. But, unlike those three, she couldn’t really hide her queerness. (Yes, of course, I realize the climate was different back then – I lived through the 90s thank you very much.) We haven’t really had a debonair queer crooner of her caliber emerge to fill the void. So I sincerely hope that k.d. rethinks her “semi-retirement” and finds the muse to make music again. Perhaps, buoyed by our current wave of queer hitmakers, she might reemerge to get all the gay flowers she deserves. Otherwise, I’m sure we could find some willing tribute to try to help her find that muse again. Ahem. Happy Monday, kittens.

Friday, March 01, 2024

My Weekend Crush

With all this anticipation (or lack thereof) about upcoming movies this week, I thought I’d reshare some love for one you can watch right this very second. Delayed gratification is for suckers. So if you haven’t already, pop on over to Amazon Prime and find “Bottoms.”

If you didn’t catch it last summer at the cineplex, or if you did, you can now enjoy the face-punching hilarity of this ridiculous lesbian high school fight club comedy from the comfort of your own home. I rewatched it when it was released on streaming last month and can highly recommend the experience.

I think what I enjoy most about this film is how it seamlessly fits into the pantheon of teenage hijinks movies. You can see its absurdist misfit teen lineage dating back to classic 80s fare like “The Breakfast Club” and “Weird Science.” And that makes me happy because it means, just maybe, queer cinematic narratives have finally moved on from coming out stories.

I’ve mentioned before how queer narratives crossing over into other genres is an important step in representation -- especially works where we aren’t just the sassy BFF or beleaguered coworker, but the stars and emotional engines of the stories. When the only stories told about you are those of suffering or struggle, it cuts us off from the full spectrum of human experiences. Much like how stories about BIPOC people shouldn’t only be about racism, stories about queer people shouldn’t just be about homophobia, internalized or otherwise (and that goes doubly for BIPOC queer people’s stories). Yes, those stories are still important (as anyone watching school boards ban books that might possibly make its straight white students “uncomfortable” can attest). But they shouldn’t be our only stories, period.

We’ve already conquered the lesbian period dramas, so much so that even SNL took notice. And we’ve been pretty successful with the horror/suspense genre thanks to works like “The Haunting of Bly Manor” and the “Fear Street” trilogy. Now we’re seeing it happen in the horny teen comedy genre thanks to movies like “Blockers,” “Booksmart,” “Bottoms” (uh, what’s with all the single-word B movies, lesbians?) I am clearly also very excited for the new Be Gay, Do Crimes genre of “Love Lies Bleeding” and “Drive-Away Dolls” and would love to see lots more of that in our collective futures.

So, as I was saying, reconnect with your inner high schooler and let the absurdity hit you right in the smacker. You won’t be sorry, though you might metaphorically lose a tooth. In a good way. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, February 29, 2024

Strong Women in Film, Literally

I guess this is the week where I sound off on movies coming soon. And I’ve gone from hatred, to begrudging respect to hot damn imma see this the first weekend I can. Continuing the new sapphic cinema trend of Be Gay, Do Crimes (hello, Drive-Away Dolls), is “Love Lies Bleeding.” Kristen Stewart talked about the movie and her motivation behind it at length in her Rolling Stone cover story. But each passing trailer gets me more excited to see what kind of murderous muscled mayhem KStew and Katy O'Brian can get up together.

Now, it’s not just the murderous muscled mayhem I’m here for. Make no mistake, I’m here for the gay murderous muscled mayhem I’m totally here for. Films about queer female relationships rarely let us see the destructive, clothes-ripping kind of lust that seems to be at the center of “Love Lies Bleeding.” And even if this is part of some hallucinatory fever-dream, can we just marvel at the unicorn-level queerness of this?

And then the Hulk-smash hotness of this?
Hello. Look, I’m in this for the story as much as anything. But, like I said, I am also sometimes deeply, deeply shallow. And this movie, well it just might satisfy both my brain and, well, other parts.

Wednesday, February 28, 2024

Run to Cate's Border

From a movie I’m definitely not seeing to a movie I probably will see in spite of myself for one very specific reason. And I am sure you already know the reason. Say hello to “Borderlands,” the latest dystopian video game turned major motion picture but this time starring Cate Blanchett with a hot pink alternative lifestyle wig and a Han Solo hip holster. So, clearly, I am in.

I am in despite the prominent pee and poop jokes in the trailer. Having Jamie Lee Curtis and Ariana Greenblatt (the daughter in “Barbie” and younger version of “Ahsoka”) in the cast helps. As do the briefest of trailer appearances by “Bound” legend Gina Gershon and “The L Word” alum Janina Gavankar.

So, fine, yes – I will be watching this Mad Max-meets space western shoot ‘em up. And not only because Cate looks like this.
And this.
And this.
I mean, mostly, but not the only reason. Look, we can’t always be deep. Sometimes it’s just fun to be deeply, deeply shallow.

Tuesday, February 27, 2024

Chasing French Girl

Well, it’s been a bit since I posted a good, old-fashioned hate post. But I feel the new Zach Braff movie “French Girl” truly fits the occasion. Now, at first you might think, but it also stars Evelyne Brochu, and Evelyne Brochu is lovely. Yes, she is. But it’s a shame she’s stuck in a biphonic rom-com cliched mess. Pop the question before she switches teams? Yikes, Chasing Amy called from 1997 and it wants its jokes back. Also Vanessa Hudgens as the scheming, sexy bi romantic rival trying sneakily to get her ex back? Please, Evelyne would have never left Vanessa in the first place. Obviously. Anyway, it’s easy to see where the film wants our sympathies to lie (Poor Man, he’s out of his depth and unable to compete with the sexy, conniving bisexual!). Yawn. Like if you’re going to introduce a sexy queer ex, at least make it so you not-so-secretly root for her to win the girl “Happiest Season”-style. Or, I don't know, make the French Girl in question the star and one we care about. Not the dude. Never that dude.

Monday, February 26, 2024

Music Monday: Renee Redux

Fine! FINE! Fiiiiiine! I can’t stop singing this song. Can a gay girl get an amen? If this earworm refuses to let you go either, well, just relax into it and accept your fate. It’s not her fault after all. Happy Monday, kittens.