Friday, February 27, 2015

My Weekend Crush

True story. At first it was white and gold. And then it was blue and black. And for a brief second I could see the white and gold again. But then it was back to blue and black. So, long Internet story short, reality does not exist. Nothing matters. There is no spoon.

Might as well succumb to the glorious gloom that is April Ludgate. I will miss Aubrey Plaza’s glorious mix of Daria and Wednesday Addams immensely. She was always the one you could count on to shirk a hug and complain about the sunshine. Her brand of frightening yet loveable nihilism seems appropriate at a time when the entire world has no idea what damn color combination a dress has. I will miss you, April. You won’t miss me, and I totally accept that. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Her dislike of Ann Perkins was as misguided as it was marvelous.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Where there is an award show there will always be Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. These Oscars are, of course, no different. I mean when you seat Jennifer Lopez next to Meryl Streep, what were you expecting?

Jennifer Lopez & Beyoncé

Fine, if JLo had to trade in Meryl for any other snuggle partner, I guess Queen Bey is an OK substitute. I guess.

Amy Adams & Amanda Peet

All I hear in my head when I look at this picture is “mwah, mwah, mwah” kissing sounds.

Jennifer Aniston & Emma Stone

Starting the Hugs Across America movement all over again.

Jennifer Hudson & Angie Harmon

DOES MAURA KNOW? And on a Gayzzoli Recap Day. For shame.

Reese Witherspoon & Nicole Kidman

Everyone’s a cheater today. Nicole, you’d better hope Naomi Watts doesn’t find out.

Emma Stone & Julianne Moore

This is a two-timing I approve of. I mean, I like Jen. But Julianne all day long.

Iman & Paula Patton

No cheating here. Paula kicked that Blurred Lines idiot to the curb where he belongs.

Patricia Clarkson & Sienna Miller

I’m having major “High Art” flashbacks, minus the heroin.

Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones

Fine, so they’re not acting super gay to each other. But I just dig that they’re friends.

Meryl Streep

Jacket on point.

Scarlett Johansson

Undercut on fleek.

I think Meryl speaks for all of us about Scarlett’s haircut. YAAAAASS.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Bitch Slap

So I get that “The Slap” is supposed to be a big prestige drama. It’s got a ton of recognizable stars like Uma Thurman and Thandie Newton and Spock and that bad guy from “Boys Don’t Cry.” Plus it’s directed by out filmmaker Lisa Cholodenko of “High Art” and “The Kids Are All Right” fame. The pedigree is there, I get it. But, mostly, I just don’t care. I’d be more interested in watching a show about someone who slaps parents who don’t vaccinate their children. No, seriously, I would watch the hell out of that show. But this? Eh. Also, it’s just a given that I’d watch a show of just Ellen slapping people.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Totally Rec-ed

Aw man, I can’t believe it all ends tonight. Like my beloved “30 Rock” did, “Parks & Recreation” is ending its run after seven seasons. And tonight is the night. And, also like my beloved “30 Rock,” “Parks & Rec” never got the mass public adoration it deserved. Through its run it has been ratings challenged, but filled with overflowing heart. To those who have watched and loved it over the years it has always been a darling to us. And much of that, almost all of that, was because of Leslie Knope. Leslie Knope is that indomitable spirit. That unlimited optimism. That unstoppable force. What has set the show apart from the start was its lack of cynicism. It hasn’t been about being cool or making fun of the uncool. It has been about civil servants in a small Midwestern town. It has been about the characters you see everyday who grow into a patchwork family if you’re lucky enough to have that kind of workplace. Through it all the show, and Leslie, have been unabashed peddlers of feminism and hope and winsomeness. Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries. I’ll miss Leslie Knope on my TV. There’ll only ever be one Leslie Knope. But we all could use a little more Leslie Knope in our lives everyday.

p.s. Granted, the series never had a lesbian character. But it did have a handful of memorable lesbian moments. When Ann was mistaken for Leslie’s trophy wife. When Leslie’s city council campaign consultant told her she was gay. And who can forget the lesbian Afro-Norwegian funk duo Nefertiti’s Fjord.

p.p.s. If you’re looking for a new a new Tuesday night show now that “Parks & Rec” is done, might I re-suggest “Fresh Off the Boat?” I mean it, watch this show. I don’t want it to become another “Go On” or “Trophy Wife” or [Insert Name of Great Show Gone After One Season Here]. Smart, funny. And they had a whole joke about teaching your son not to date rape, that wasn’t about “ha ha, isn’t date rape funny,” but “no, seriously, don’t rape women” as its punchline. Constance Wu, y’all. Get on board.

Monday, February 23, 2015

I Brittana You

Fine, “Glee,” fine. You made me watch the big wedding. It was uneven and unrealistic, but that’s pretty much “Glee” in a nutshell. But the Brittana bits, fine, they got me, fine. They got me not necessarily because of the poignancy of the actual moment. That was ruined by having Kurt and Blaine horn in on Brittana’s big day. Seriously, how can a show this freaking gay not take the time to make two episodes dedicated to two different, independent same-sex weddings for its two different, independent same-sex couples? Also, Kurt’s jacket was otherworldly awful. It was blue shiny camo. BLUE. SHINY. CAMO.

But, now I’ve veered off the point. And the point was the episode didn’t necessarily get me on its scripted poignancy. Sure, there were nice moments between Brittany and Santana – lovely even. But what got me was what watching something like this can mean for fans who have stuck with this coupling. Yes, this was pure, unabashed fandom service. But, hey, this fandom has been through a lot – they deserve it. What I like that – unless Ryan Murphy & Co. royally fuck this thing up in the final five episodes – lesbian viewers will have another happy ending.

This sort of thing is still important. Do all of our stories have to be happy, of course not. But there need to be enough happy endings to allow us to dream of our own. So, thanks for that. Thanks for all the pinky holds and scissoring talk and the Lebanese goodness. Thank you to Naya Rivera and Heather Morris. Thank you for Brittany and Santana. Now ride off into the sunset, you two. From background characters to forever OTP. You made it, ladies. You made it.

Friday, February 20, 2015

My Weekend Crush

Aw, man. It’s always the good ones who go too soon. Earlier this week singer Lesley Gore died of lung cancer at age 68. As a teenager Lesley became the quintessential 60s singer with songs like “It’s My Party,” “That’s the Way Boys Are,” “Maybe I Know” and – of course – “You Don’t Own Me.” The latter was an instantly iconic feminist anthem of independence and defiance. Keep in mind, that song came out in 1964 right at the earliest cusp of second-wave feminism. Over the years she has also been vocal about the difficulties of being a young woman in the male-dominated music industry. And in 2005 the singer came out as a lesbian in an interview with AfterEllen (yes, really) and discussed her long-term relationship with Lois Sasson. The couple had been together for 33 years when Lesley passed earlier this week. And during the 2012 presidential election Lesley brought back “You Don’t Own Me” – and a few dozen of her famous feminist friends – for a PSA sing-along to get out the vote. It’s true, nobody owned her. But she always had our backs. Happy weekend, all.

"You Don't Own Me" PSA from You Don't Own Me on Vimeo.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Meow It Off

I don’t know why this four-year-old video of Taylor Swift petting her cat fills me with such joy, but I do know I only got about four hours of sleep the other night which means recapping season has returned. Get your fresh, steaming Gayzzoli Recaps over at AfterEllen today. Or, you know, just keep petting that kitty cat. Come to think of it, maybe I do know why that four-year-old video of Taylor fills me with such joy. Is there anything more relatable to lesbians than a woman who is being trained by her cat? I think not.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

What are you asking?

So this Sunday are the Oscars, a.k.a. the Pop Culture Super Bowl. I have been watching the awards since I had to ask my parents permission to stay up way past my bedtime to see who took home best picture. In short, I never miss them. But you know what I don’t mind missing? The red carpet. Granted, I watch because I like to see what everyone is wearing just like everybody else. But I have grown to loathe what passes for red carpet interviews. Maybe it is because I grew up watching Army Archerd interview the stars as they walked in and now we’ve got…um, these idiots. Oy. I mean, I am not expecting long discussions on non-proliferation of nuclear weapons treaties or sustainable energy strategies. It’s movies, not Mensa. But how about this? Each star hands the interviewer a cue card that says who made their damn dress and the interviewers ask them questions about the movie they were in instead. Eh? Also, ban mani-cams forever.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Back for More

It’s baaaaaaack! So I guess Jane didn’t down. Big shocker, right? Anywaaaay. I thought they were just coming back for three episodes, but it looks like there’ll be six. (I’m not crazy, they added episodes because the original episode order for Season 5 was only 15 episodes. I swear.) But, you know, the more the merrier. So, of course, the return of Jane & Maura & Co. means the return of Gayzzoli. Subtext recaps will fire up again this week, so check back at AfterEllen on Thursdays for all the eye sex, Totally Gratuitous Totally Gay Touching, random sleepovers et al. I can’t say what the remaining six episodes of the season will bring. But we can guess given some of the new promo photos. And by guess I say imagine the gayest scenario possible. Duh.

Wow, I mean, presume much? We never agreed to a foursome, so get off that table and put your clothes back on, OK.

I knew it! I knew it! Prof. Jack Beard was on an assignment all along and now he is ready for his treatment. This whole relationship with Maura was just for an episode of “Dollhouse.”

Jane, just because we’re both wearing gloves doesn’t mean we can slip away to a backroom. Dead body, remember? Priorities, remember? *slips off to backroom to make good use of the gloves anyway*

Jane is drinking wine. Jane is drinking wine for Maura. Jane really wants sex. From Maura.

Sorry, I’m a little rusty. But, you know what they say, subtext recapping is just like riding a bike. Fine, no one says that.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Working Stiff

Guess what, I have the day off. I knew presidents were good for something. But for those who don’t have the day off, please enjoy a little solidarity with WALL-E. See you again at the office tomorrow.