Any Gays in the Building?

Remember when Mabel was gay for a season? Ah, good times. Anyway, I can’t be too salty about a series that gave us Meryl Streep and Martin Short’s on-screen and real-life romances because, I can’t help it, I still love love. But, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, “Only Murders in the Building” is back for its fifth season of murder and podcasting. And this time Renée Zellweger will be joining the cast. Bridget Jones and Miranda Priestly in the same television universe? I’ll take it. Also, there will be at least one real gay. I see you, Beanie Feldstein.

No Bed of Roses

Is watching a straight couple try to destroy each other some kind of reparations for the efforts to overturn marriage equality? Because nice try, but no deal. But I am happy to see renowned homosexuals Kate McKinnon and Ncuti Gatwa appear to be cheerleading their downfall (albeit while perhaps playing straight – whatever, if they can play gay we can play straight). I have no idea whether this reboot of the 1989 black comedy with Olivia Colman and Benedict Cumberbatch in the roles made famous by Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas will be good. But did I mention Allison Janney is also in this thing? Like, even if it isn’t good, the cumulative number of good actors makes me know it’ll go on a watchlist when it comes to whatever streamer it’s gonna come to. What? I said there was no deal. I ain’t paying for no ticket.

Over Like That

What the fuck was that, quite literal, shit? Like, really and truly, that was shitty. If you’re like me, you have continued to struggle through successive seasons of “And Just Like That…” because of your Cosmopolitan-colored nostalgia about “Sex and the City.” While I think, for the most part, the reboot’s biggest flaws come from trying too hard to atone for its past sins – and also not exactly knowing what to do with middle-aged women with middle-aged problems – the finale felt a little bit like it hated middle-aged women altogether. Or, perhaps, it hated its middle-aged female viewers – though truly its female viewers of all ages.

How else can you explain subjecting us to literal turds. Poop. Fecal matter. Shit, actual shit, was one of the final indelible images of a show its largely female fanbase has invested the last 27 years of their lives in. And we had to listen to two – TWO – different men pee. Maybe that was for the gay men, but still. What?

And don’t get me started on Miranda’s final scenes involving her literally on her knees cleaning up someone else’s shit. Like, what did Cynthia Nixon do to Michael Patrick King to deserve Miranda’s crown as No. 1 Cringe Queen through the entire series run?

As much as I grouse about “And Just Like That…” it remains one of the few major TV series with a main cast composed entirely of 50-and-60-something female stars. And that matters. I still like these characters, and I will always love the sisterhood they created. Their friendship remains the draw, and I’m glad at least they all still have each other. No, we won’t be mentioning Samantha. We already had real shit to deal with. We’ve suffered enough.

p.s. Also don’t get me started with the giant doll.

p.p.s. Honestly, I think my favorite part was hearing the O.G. “Sex and the City” theme play through the final credits. Cosmos up, ladies, for the memories.

Music Monday: Good Rapp

Oh, Renee Rapp. Does anyone seem to be enjoying their sapphic icon status more than Renee? Yeah, don’t think so. And good for her, because she should be enjoying it. Also, leave it to a lesbian to bring a ladder to her appearance on Colbert. You know, in case any of the stage lights need replacing, or a bookshelf installed or something. Never change, Renee. Never change. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

In honor of Kritsin Scott Thomas’s directorial debut (a.k.a. The film that cast Scarlett Johansson and Freida Pinto as lesbians), how about some long-overdue KST love. Now I’ve been a fan for years (truly, years). Honestly it’s ever since she admitted to being “a lesbian once in school” in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” that I know KST was a real one. And how could you not fall for her all over again as a menopausal lesbian woman in business on “Fleabag.” So I hope her new film “My Mother’s Wedding” is as lovely as she is. And thanks, regardless, for the Scarlett and Freida pairing. Also did I mention KST is 65? *low whistle* Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Devil Wears Prada 2

Well, well, well – turns out they did move at a glacial pace. But 19 years later, Meryl, Anne, Emily, Stanley & Co are back – or should we say fashionably late? – for “The Devil Wears Prada 2.” Now, I know there was nothing explicitly sapphic about the original movie. But it starred Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt and Stanley Tucci – it’s at the very least queer adjacent. Ally, and all that. Thanks to the ubiquitous invasion of cameras and unrelenting aggressiveness of the algorithms, I’ve been fed a nonstop stream of live shots of the cast filming on the streets of New York recently. I find significant glee watching Anne chase after Meryl again. And, as I was saying, while no one in the cast is queer, Anne’s suit is 100% bi curious.

The Hunt Is On

So I have not watched “The Hunting Wives” yet because I’ve never been a huge fan of primetime soaps and/or shows about Republicans. But because of the algorithm I know that the show serves up some steamy sapphic scenes, including between stars Malin Akerman and Brittany Snow. So I ask those who have tuned in, uh, is it worth it? It’s not my kind of show, but I also can’t resist a good wlw storyline. So, thoughts? Does someone have a channel that clips just the gay bits for us? I’m not big into guns or rich people in Texas. But I’ll watch red state some sweet lady kisses if you say they’re worth it.

Tank Top Tuesday: Muscle Mommies

OK, fine. These evening gowns are admittedly stretching the definition of tank top to their furthest extremes. But when Azzi Fudd (a.k.a. Paige Buecker’s Girlfriend) and Ilona Maher (a.k.a. Olympic Ruby Hottie) pose with their guns out together, you have to appreciate their armless appeal. Regardless of the style choices, I say thank you for the exposure – so to speak. Go sportsball*!

*It should go without saying I mean women’s sportsball from here on out.

Music Monday: Melissa & The Girls

Just about a week ago this was me. I was here. The Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls Yes I Am Tour was a shot of pure queer nostalgia right to the heart. I and the thousands of other middle-aged lesbians in the crowd sang ourselves hoarse and couldn’t have left happier. Granted, even at a Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls concert there will always be some big-headed dude in the way for some reason. But, you know, we make our own joy despite the incursions. (But, seriously, stop bringing your husbands to these shows or at the very list make sure they stay seated.) So please enjoy this deep cut lesbionic duet, and ignore the enormous man. It’s kind of the best way to go through life, don’t you think? Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

The lesbian longing song of the summer comes, of course, from Chappell Roan. In her first official music video since her breakout success last year, the singer brings us a universally relatable ditty about the agony of lost love – wrapped in some Lady Godiva meets Ophelia meets Cousin Itt imagery. In short, it’s fan-fucking-tastic. And so, so queer. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Emmy Nominees Thursday

This year’s Emmy nominees have some pretty queer nominees. And pretty queer nominees who made history to boot. While I will argue that “Somebody Somewhere” deserved more love (though huge bravo to Jeff Hiller/Joel). I also enjoy how all the nominees have their own, distinctive, definitively gender fucky style. So here’s a gay old cheer to the nominees. May all you gaymos take home the trophy next month.

Bella Ramsey, Best Actress in a Drama

They became the first nonbinary performer to earn multiple Emmy nominations, with a second consecutive lead in a drama series acting nod for “The Last of Us.” Also, sick suit.

Ayo Edebiri, Best Actress & Directing in a Comedy

Ayo became the first woman to be nominated in both a directing and acting category in the same year for her work in “The Bear.” This also makes her the first Black woman and first queer woman to be nominated for directing and acting categories in the same year. Yes, chef, indeed. (Also, you and Julia better kiss.)

Hannah Einbinder, Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy

I want Ava to have a real win this next season of “Hacks,” and a girlfriend. I mean the throuple was fun and all, but give the ladies what they want. And by ladies I mean me.

Kristen Kish, Best Host for a Reality/Competition

I cannot say I condone this white lace suit. But I also definitely don’t condemn it. I’m Switzerland about it, but Switzerland with a wandering eye. What, Padma is gone. It’s OK.

Cherry Jones, Best Guest Actress in a Drama

I stopped watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” after the first season because life is hard enough, you know. But do you remember when Cherry played a lesbian in that TV movie with Brooke Shields?

Cynthia Erivo, Best Guest Actress in a Comedy

I wish Cynthia would wear more suits. Also while I love basically everything about “Poker Face,” I hate the Columbo story structure where you know whodunnit at the start. So I never saw her episode.

Robby Hoffman, Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series

Did you know the Hacks guest star married “Bachelor/Bachelorette” and “Traitors” star Gabby Windey this year? Like, former Bachelor Nation stars are lezzing it up everywhere!

Tar Meets Pretty Woman

And I’m back. How about we ease back into the routine with a little “Tar” meets “Pretty Woman” – minus Richard Gere. The new #MeToo drama from sexually charged auteur of the moment Luca Guadagnino (“Challengers,” “Queer” and that peach movie with the cannibal) returns with “After the Hunt.” Set in the world of ivy league academia, Julia Roberts plays a well-liked professor with perhaps the most famous laugh in the world alongside a colleague played by Andrew Garfield and mentee played by Ayo Edebiri. Andrew’s character gets accused by Ayo of assault, and the Cancel Culture wars begin. And because this is Luca he sprinkles in some gay flakes, with the implication that Ayo’s character is attracted to Julia’s. I mean, they both wear a lot of nice blazers, so I can see it. If this all reminds you a little too much of “Tar,” you’re not wrong. Except they’ve removed the direct contact and made a man the monster, which – hey, if the shoe fits. (Andrew seems lovely in real life, but ever since “The Social Network” him and Jesse Eisenberg – also apparently lovely in real life – have had the most punchable faces to me.) Anyway. I never know how to feel about these kinds of stories, because none of this shit would be dramatic if we just believed women in the first place. At least they both look nice in a gray suit with gold accessories. And, it is almost Thursday after all.

Vacation Vixen: Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig

Be honest, a Shane/Alice relationship would have been better than that Jenny/Shane abomination.

Vacation Vixen: Hannah Einbinder

Again, if I was 20 years younger I’d have the biggest crush on Hannah Einbinder. But being age-appropriate and respectful I’ll just say that’s one talented young woman. Who also looks very good in a suit. What? I am old, not dead.