Thursday, February 28, 2013

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ms. Snarker,

I do hope the squalid, cheap, and tawdry display put on by some deranged people hasn't got you down. The worst thing about having an audience is that along with the adulation and approval comes assholes. I am widely regarded as a tastemaker for all those with good taste (*smile*), and in my expert opinion, your writing is far superior than that of your boorish critics. They haven't the wit, cultural awareness, or dedication to spend as much time and effort to create a body of work significant enough to inspire unhinged anger and passionate defense. I don't always agree with what you write, but I do admire the way you write it.

That said, you'll have to fight me to the death for a date with Charlize's hair...and the rest of her. Ante up, bitch.

Anonymous said...

Good god.. I don't know why but I've been reading the comments the last couple days.. and now I know why I usually do not. I want to stick my head in the oven to get rid of them but I'll just type this to let it out and then never do it again.

DebontheRocks said...

Your captions are everything. And Sarah has converted me into a Hathaway fan now. I see her in a whole new light.

Mahlers5th said...

"...Squalid, cheap, and tawdry display put on by some deranged people..."

It'sastonishing to me how people are focusing on a handful of more incendiary posts -- using pretty incendiary language themselves -- and utterly ignore those of us who are asking perfectly reasonable questions? I haven't made a single hostile remark about Ms. Snarker in any of my posts and yet the issues I raised -- just echoing thoughful questions raised by earlier posters -- have been ignored. That's fine. Maybe this isn't the forum for debate about those issues. But just listen to yourselves!

Anonymous said...

Mahlers5th, just let it go. This isn't the right forum, maybe focus on the posts of the day. Like these beautiful and talented women shown presently.

Anonymous said...

Mahlers5th,

Your definition of reasonable may not be the same as mine. Your definition of thoughtful may not be the same as mine. Don't presume everyone agrees with you or shares your perspective. Things got very nasty here over a non-issue and I saw more than a handful of posts making scurrilous allegations against Ms. Snarker for work she'd done for another site. And, horror of horrors, she dared suggest that a conflict be introduced into the show (Copubus vs. Doccubus) because shows need conflict between Its core characters or it gets boring. And, yes, the two players in Copubus are beautiful women. Is it wrong for a lesbian to express sexual attraction?

It looked like people were aiming their anger at the wrong target. AfterEllen is not Ms. Snarker's site, she's not on the editorial staff, she's a freelance writer for them, therefore she has zero say on their editorial policy or the things they cover. Glee coverage on AE annoys me to no end, but that's where the money is. Rizzoli and Isles subtext is ridiculous, but Snarker's recaps are hilarious and doesn't take the show seriously. AfterEllen has changed over the years, but that's probably because Logo, which exploits gays more than BET exploits we blacks, owns it. In light of all this, why do you think you should leave your concerns on AfterEllen, not here because they are separate enterprises. I'm not asking people to kiss ass, I'm merely hoping for civility.

Mahlers5th said...

OK, fair enough. I appreciate the response.
I will release you all. ; )

Yona said...

Ms. Snarker,

I discovered your site by accident searching "Dorothy" On google to make a silly joke. When I stumbled upon your site I was elated at the wonderful distraction from school you proided. Over tthe past 4yrs you are the destressor after long lecture days my 1 and 2nd yr of med school and often the only thing I would read after 12-14 hr clinic days the last two yrs. You have been a constant funny, thoughtful, informative friend (if I may cal you that). Thank you for all your hard work.

Anonymous said...

The Oscar-madness isn't complete without this! Any GGALGG? Cgrrl