Thursday, June 21, 2018

Last Dance

I don’t play videogames, unless you count the little procrastination enabling apps on my phone. Now, I have nothing against videogames or gamers or videos or any combination of the terms (GamerGaters, though, are another matter entirely). To be honest mostly I lack the hand-eye coordination, time and patience to play videogames. But, I do appreciate videogames and gamers – particularly lady gamers because, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m all about the ladies.

Now, videogames that let you play as queer characters aren’t necessarily new. Game franchises like “Final Fantasy” and “Mass Effect” and “Fallout” have all allowed for same-sex romances and relationships. And the more recent “Life Is Strange” series is essentially just lesbian feelings games.

But the unveiling of the “Last of Us II” trailer this week at E3 2018 presentation was something different. This isn’t a small indie label, this is freaking Sony. And it wasn’t hinted or alluded or whispered that shit was gonna get gay. It was one of the main selling point. Well, that and all the brutal hand-to-hand combat. But seriously, how wonderful. A videogame predicated (or at least sold) based on a same-sex relationship between two young women. Post-apocalyptic romance for the masses! And machetes!

What makes this even better is they used real actresses to capture the motion of Ellie and Dina. And what actresses they used. None other than Shannon Woodward (of “Raising Hope” and “Westworld” fame) played Dina and Ashley Johnson (from “the Avengers” and “Blindspot” and “The Killing”) played Ellie.

Is this what all videogame development is like? Ladies in motion-capture suits slow dancing and making out? Because if so I am clearly in the wrong field.

Still, even if you are not sold on the game itself, the kiss is worth a watch (and rewatch and rewatch some more). Luckily someone was kind enough to cut the trailer to be just a nice, lovely kiss (without the knives to the jugular) in between.


Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Save the Children (Fuck Donald Trump)

I had a different post planned for today. It was light and hopefully fun and talked about queer representation in pop culture – which if you’ve been paying even a little bit of attention these past 12-and-counting years and counting is my absolute favorite thing to talk about. But I’ve postponed that small joy because I basically feel like screaming all of the time. This year, I’ve started waking up around 7 a.m. every single day. No alarm clock, no loud noises. Just my body jolting awake and bracing for horror. Now I need to give you a little context, I have been throughout the entirety of my life until this point a world champion sleeper inner. I am a night owl by nature and it used to be nothing for me to sleep in until 10, 11 and even noon on a good day. I also have the luxury of a job that I do not have to go in to until mid-morning. But now I can’t remember the last time I’ve slept in past 7:30 a.m., let alone 8 a.m. Now, I know, whomp-whomp for my fucked up circadian rhythms and inability to lounge in bed all day like I used to.

But the longer the Trump administration grind on and grinds down the basic tenant of our democracy, the worse I’ve slept. I thought I’d gotten used to waking up to a new, fresh hell every day during the 2016 presidential election. But, woo-doggies, was I wrong. Nothing compares to opening your eyes every day and dreading what new, monstrous thing this administrations has done.

Ban Muslims from entering the country? Check! Claim there are “very fine people” among a torch-bearing crowd of white supremacists and neo-Nazis who ran over a woman and killed her? You betcha! Give away $1.5 trillion in tax cuts to the millionaires, billionaires and corporations? Heck yes, rich people are the only ones who know how to handle money anyway, duh! Stack the federal courts with right-wing nutjobs, some of whom have never even tried a case in their lives, to serve lifetime appointments? You bet your Merrick Garland he has! Pull out of UNESCO, an organization dedicated to building “peace through international cooperation in education, the sciences and culture.” Fuck off, nobody needs culture, science or education! Pull out of the UN Human Rights Council and then call it “a protector of human rights abusers.” Totally, we love using the “I know you are, but what am I”-defense in international relations, we just used it yesterday!

But forcibly separating parents from their children and then putting those children in cages? Goddammit all to fucking hell, is there no end to the levels of evil for this administration?

I don’t know how you can listen to the plaintive wails of small children screaming for their mothers and fathers and not think we are at a tipping point as a nation. We currently have 11,785 children in custody. CHILDREN. IN. CUSTODY. Either we accept we are a country that rips sobbing children away from their parents or we don’t – and we stop it. We have to stop it.



The prevailing policy philosophy of the Trump administration has been cruelty, plain and simple. He is a cruel, hateful, ignorant man and we are all trapped in his narcissistic personality disorder feedback loop. And I do not know how we do not all just burst into tears at any given moment.


But then, we knew that about him before a minority of voters (by three million, ahem) in this country elected him. We were warned. Yet still, 52 percent of white women voted for him (and 62 percent of white men, thanks again, white dudes).

So what makes me almost as inconsolable, distraught and furious is that a significant portion of the American populace is not only OK with all of this, they’re thrilled. They’re downright gleeful. Or they just don’t care enough about people who are different than themselves to worry about caring. In fact, the latest Gallup poll shows 45 percent of Americans think he’s doing a great job. That’s nearly half of all American. Fuck, that’s depressing.

So what can we do? Keep caring. Give money to organizations that are fighting Trump. Call your senator and representative. Show up at the marches, show up at the Families Belong Together March. Talk to your racist relatives. Register to vote and vote for a Democrat in November. Care. Care more about your immigrant neighbor. Care more about your Muslim neighbor. Care more about your black or brown or queer or trans or whathaveyou neighbor. Care more about a crying child sitting in a cage filled with other crying children who just want their mommy or daddy than you do your own comfort. Care that we have a terrible human being in the highest office in all of the land and vow to do whatever you can to stop him. And then, I don’t know, maybe we’ll all be able to sleep through the night.

p.s. Fuck Trump, forever and always.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Tank Top Tuesday: Run For Something Edition

As November draws closer, so does our best shot at stopping or at least slowing down the devastation and destruction coming out of the Trump administration. One of the few inspiring things to happen since November 2016 is to see so many women step up and step out onto the political field in response. Women are running for government in unprecedented numbers. And they’re winning their primaries in unprecedented numbers. In Democratic primaries that have featured at least one woman and one man but no incumbent, women have won the most votes 71 percent of the time (Republican women, meanwhile, have won 35 percent of the time). Why? Well, when you’ve got a president who brags about grabbing women by the pussy, we notice. And we’re mad. And we’re doing something about it. We’re running for something.

Women like Sharice Davids, a lawyer, MMA fighter, gay woman, and hopefully the first Native American women to serve in congress. This is a great campaign ad for many reasons, not the least of which is her magnificent tank top. She has been endorsed by Emily’s List and Moms Demand Action. This is what politics can look like – diverse people from varying backgrounds coming together to solve problems and work for us. Keep fighting the good fight, ladies. And together we can make that Blue Wave happen. Register, volunteer, donate, vote.

Monday, June 18, 2018

Music Monday: Doll Princess Edition

Yeah, so immma let you watch this, then let’s come back and talk. I’ll wait. Please, press play and let the music and weirdness wash over you.



So, yeah, it took me a full minute to realize something was amiss and that was in fact a Real Doll. How wonderfully weird. Look, I am all aboard the King Princess train, as you know. But this super strange video with her romancing a sex doll is, well, kind of hilarious. And I think I love it. I mean, that is certainly one way to kickstart the week leading up to my Pride Weekend.

Friday, June 15, 2018

My Weekend Crush

These days it seems the world is split between those of us who are frantic because everything is on fire and those of us who are gleefully setting more things on fire. Now, there’s also a subset who is just ignoring the fire altogether and voting for Jill Stein instead. But, you know, fuck those people. For those of us who see and fear and despise the flames, it’s an unbelievably distressing time to be alive. And I feel that level of constant and unending distress and despair so many of us feel about the state of the world is expressed best by the comedy styles of Amy Poehler. Just when I thought I couldn’t love and admire her any more, she goes and gives these answers to the inane cutsie questions from The Hollywood Reporter when it named her one of its “40(ish) Most Powerful People in Comedy.”

My most memorable heckler… “Who cares? The whole world is on fire.”
Dream product endorsement… “A giant whale just died in Thailand after eating 80 plastic bags.”
Guilty pleasure… “Let's not forget over 4,600 people have died in Puerto Rico.”
I'm funny because… “I don't even know anymore.”
If I didn't work in comedy… “I would never leave my house.”
College comedy audiences are… “Kids that are afraid they will be shot in their own schools. What has happened to us?”
Sitcom you'd reboot?… “Mr. Rogers. I miss him. We need him.”
The funniest thing about the Trump administration is… “Are you kidding me?”
Fired up, ready to fight some fires. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Throwback Thursday: Gelfling Edition

Watching this video is a journey. First, we travel to welcome nostalgia for one of the absolute best Jim Henson movie ever. The shape of the Skeksis remains an instant classic in the annals of nightmare fuel. Then, it takes us to outright giddiness. Wait, this isn’t just a behind-the-scenes special about the old movie, this is a whole new series? And while there may be nothing outright gay about “The Dark Crystal,” I always felt like Gelflings were sexually fluid – well at least the girls. They’ve got fairy wings, after all.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

"Ocean's 8" Lesbian Movie Review

Yes, kittens, “Ocean’s 8” is a lesbian movie – in its heart where it counts. OK, fine, technically it’s a lesbian-in-spirit movie on screen. But, come on, Cate Blanchett is called “Lou” and slinks around in a series of increasingly amazing suits and then rides off into the sunset on a motorcycle – quite literally. So, Harold, that’s pretty lesbian.

But really, what “Ocean’s 8” is is a reminder that the world needs to be shown more women together, period. In fact, if you put a group of smart, talented, charismatic women together and give them something to do other than pine for a man, the result is basically magic.

Look, Hollywood has been doing this for decades with men. Men at work. Men at war. Men in prison. Men in space. Men stealing shit. Men buying shit. Men, men, men. We get it, my dudes. You do things.

But, here’s a revolutionary realization, so do women. Women also work, go to war, go to prison, go to space, steal shit, buy shit. Women, women, women. And, guess what, they’re good at it, too. And it’s interesting, and different, than just watching a bunch of dudes do the exact same thing.

Take your “Killing Eve” or your “Orange Is the New Black” or your “Hidden Figures” or any other entertainment that trusts women to tell their own stories, to be their own stars. There is something deliciously alive and fresh about the chemistry between these casts. Why? Because for so damn long we haven’t been shown women as much more than the love interest, side kick, token female.

But guess what, we contain multitudes upon our multitudes.

“Ocean’s 8” is unabashedly fun and unquestionably clever. It’s also unashamed of its femininity. Now by femininity I don’t mean it’s “Ocean’s 11” with a cheap pink makeover. This isn’t that “Made Just For Women!” crap they try to sell us like pens and razors. This is fundamentally female in a way that celebrates women’s abilities and differences. And, at the same time, should be universally interesting because, duh, women are interesting.

All of the women are wonderful – Cate, Sandra, Anne, Sarah, Rihanna, Mindy, Awkwafina, Mindy. I would happily watch them read all of updated privacy policies I have steadfastly ignored over my lifetime out loud. And then I would ask them to read them again, but more slowly.

In short, I will happily watch “Ocean’s 8” again – and again, and again. Will I make Lou and Debbie kiss in my head each time? Of course. But then, everyone else is, too. Because, as I said, “Ocean’s 8” is totally a lesbian movie. It just doesn’t know it yet. But, luckily, we do.

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Go Earp, Young Woman


My, what big EVERYTHING you have. Holy macaroni, there is a lot happing in the new “Wynonna Earp” Season 3 trailer. And I’m not even talking about the mechanical bull. Or WayHaught sexiness. All I know is this show can’t be coming back at a better time. Because there’s like nothing on TV right now. Welcome back, Purgatory. It’s been hell without you.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Music Monday:Lesbian Jesus Edition

Hayley Kiyoko continues to be the lesbian heartthrob of our dreams. It must feel amazing to be a young person and have a totally out and totally cool pop star like her singing songs that speak directly to your deepest, most lesbian feelings. And not just singing about them, but acting them out – repeatedly, unabashedly. Heck, this old person thinks it feels pretty amazing, too.

Friday, June 08, 2018

My Weekend Crush

One of the very best things about “Oceans Eight” – besides being a movie featuring eight talented and diverse actresses pulling off the kind of heist caper previously relegated to mainly menfolks - is the parade of suits Cate Blanchett has worn leading up to its release. I mean, the woman has suit range.



Oh, did I mention that last suit has RAINBOW STRIPES down the legs? Because it does, it really does.



You know Sandy approves of her suit game, you just know.




(and, of course, you know Sarah Paulson approves, or at very least has lovingly ribbed Cate about her suit game.)

The other best thing about “Oceans Eight” is how Cate’s co-stars love to stare lovingly at her impeccable visage. I mean, they’re no Kristen Stewart in the smitten department, but close.



Happy “Ocean’s Eight” premiere weekend, all.

Thursday, June 07, 2018

Way Cute

And now, for your moment of lesbian Zen. After a tumultuous week let us all take respite in the utter and undeniable adorableness of Waverly Earp and Nicole Haught. Thank you, WayHaught, for being a calm ship in the storm. And, you know, stupid cute. “Wynonna Earp” season 3 returns July 20 on SyFy. I anxiously await the mayhem and gay lady kisses.

Wednesday, June 06, 2018

Ladies Who Laugh

Well now, isn’t this a nice thing to wake up to? Cate Blanchett and Sarah Paulson showed off their BFF troublemakers sides when they appeared together on “Today” yesterday. The two friends had Hoda Kotb and, later, Savannah Guthrie laughing until they cried – quite literally. It also features Sarah teasing Cate about not winning an Oscar for “Carol.” Cate teasing Sarah for only having one an Emmy. And then Cate sits on Sarah’s lap and, well.



Anyway, the whole thing has to be seen to be enjoyed, rewatched, enjoyed some more.



p.s. I know you guys like me, you really like me, because not one, not two, but three of you send me this video all like, “Snarker, guuurl, you’ve GOT to see this!” My most sincere and lesbian thanks, ladies.

p.p.s. Only oblivious straight women would ever deign to ask Cate and Sarah what movie they were in together. The indignity! Also, straight ladies, you should totally watch “Carol.”

p.p.p.s. If you want to see the entire cast (well, six of eight) of “Ocean’s 8” play Never Have I Ever and crack each other up, please enjoy. I am here to spread joy and many, many wonderful ladies laughing together.


Tuesday, June 05, 2018

Elections Have Consequences

Well happy fucking Pride Month, America. Yesterday’s Supreme Court decision ruling in favor of the Colorado baker who wouldn’t make a wedding cake for a gay couple is bad. All the frosting in the world won’t make it good. But at least the court punted on the larger, more crucial question of where people have the right to discriminate against LGBTQ people based on their religion. (The case was a narrow one – which does not mean the ruling was close, but that the ruling has a narrow scope despite what idiot wingnuts like the president’s eldest son seem to think). What this means is more cases and more assaults on our rights are coming, and probably sooner rather than later. What a difference three years and one bad election make, huh?

So I’d like to take this moment to thank all the MAGA deplorables, Jill Stein voters and anyone who ever said “Trump and Hillary are exactly the same”-for this outcome. Look, elections matter. Elections have consequences; who gets elected president matters. Even if you think your life won’t be affected by having a hateful, ignorant, narcissistic toddler in the White House, do you not have any friends or family who will? Even if you are so lucky to not be touched by an administration that is targeting people of color, queer people, trans people, Muslims, immigrants, the undocumented, the poor and women, can you think of those of us who are?

Today there are primaries in Alabama, California, Iowa, Mississippi, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, and South Dakota. Vote like your life depends on it. Because for too many of us, it does.

p.s. If you live in California like me, please vote for the frontrunning Democrat in each race. The wacky way our primaries are structured, Democrats could be shut out of the November ballot altogether because too many Democratic candidates are running in many districts – who will dilute the vote and allow another Republican candidates to slip through and steal the second spot.

Monday, June 04, 2018

Vegas, Baby

From a real lesbian wedding proposal to end last week to a fake lesbian wedding proposal to start this one. While that may seem a bit backwards, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by this Las Vegas commercial. A shorter version of this is airing on national television – and not just at 1 a.m. where no one can see it. The TV version gives a more spontaneous/romantic take on the couple’s nuptials. But this longer version works in some backstory, meet-sexy and even possibly homophobic parents. Man, I can remember the bad old days when I just to troll The Commercial Closet to see if any new gay ads had been released – not good LGBTQ ads, mind you, just any. But these days what happens in Vegas should just be accepted everywhere. Well, at least the queer stuff.