My New Year's Crush

So here we are preparing for our second pandemic New Year’s Eve and another winter where COVID is surging. Same as it ever was, I guess. So please enjoy the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus as they give a virtual rendition of “Auld Lang Syne.” This was recorded last year, when we were all hopeful that 2021 would bring an end to this pandemic. But here we are, with omicron roaring and many people once again making the decision to stay away from the people they love precisely because they love them. Sigh. May we not need another virtual rendition of “Auld Lang Syne” this time next year. May we sing it at the top of our lungs surrounded by love. May this new year bring your heart’s desire, and a healing world. Best wishes for the happiest, healthiest 2022, kittens. Happy New Year’s Eve weekend, all.

Peace on Earth & Good Doggos to All

I can’t believe it’s almost 2022 and we’ve all lived through another whole damn year of this endless pandemic. Some day the world will truly take stock of the more than 5 million lives lost and almost 400 million people who have gotten sick from this terrible plague. In America, 800,000 people have forever left an empty chair at the table for the holidays. Still, this year I am most thankful for science. I go into 2022 with three things I didn’t have at the start of 2021 — namely three COVID-19 vaccine shots in my arm. And, well, I am also most thankful for dogs. We took in a new dog, one a family member couldn’t keep anymore this year. And it was the absolute best thing we could have done in 2021. May these rescue dogs getting a chance to pick out their own Christmas presents bring you boundless joy and be the engergy you need for a happy 2022.

It's The End of the World as We Know It

Wow, are you watching “Station Eleven?” Because you should definitely be watching “Station Eleven.” The new HBO Max series based on the novel by the same name is about a post-apocalyptic future after a deadly flu pandemic has wiped out much of humanity. Yes, I know, this is precisely the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid because HELLO, REAL LIFE. In The Before Times, I was a disaster/apocalypse movie junkie. But the pandemic has tempered my love for the end of the world. And now “Station Eleven” is bringing it back.

It sounds weird to say that a miniseries about the collapse of society and mass death feels hopeful. But dammit, if this thing isn’t strangely affirming instead of just flat-out depressing. “Happiest Season” star Mackenzie Davis headlines the show, and is already proving why my crush on her since “San Junipero” continues unabated. I haven’t read the book, so I have no idea where this will ultimately take us. But for now this show is helping the world make sense, if only for a minute.

Also, it’s got Lori Petty who I’ve had a crush on since at least “A League of Their Own.” And, there has already been some queer undertones (Mackenzie’s character has mentioned being with men and women). So two crushes in one show about trying to build a better world after a global pandemic – and hopefully more gay stuff? Yeah, duh, I clearly love it. Somehow it makes the perfect binge watch during this weird time at the end of one year and the beginning of the next. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel better than fine about my viewing choices.

Save the Lesbian Trees

The calendar may say Christmas is over, but in our hearts we can keep the holi-gay cheer going all year long. This holiday season saw the first-ever lesbian Christmas movies on Lifetime and Hallmark. While Hallmark made their debut entry into women-loving-women holiday fare with its one-of-these-three-sisters-is-gay entry “Every Time a Bell Rings,” Lifetime has easily won the cable holi-gay rom-com wars this year with their charming and cheestastic entry “Under the Christmas Tree.”

“Under the Christmas Tree” is exactly what you want from a lesbian holiday rom-com. A meet cute. An obstacle to overcome. An artisanal business on the brink of collapse. A woman who talks to trees. A sly strap-on joke. How is this not everyone’s favorite movie already?

Kidding! Sort of. But I think what made “Under the Christmas” tree truly enjoyable for me was it didn’t try to “baby steps” queerness to the audience. There was no coming out drama or “love is love” speechifying. Instead it allowed contextual clues to get watchers who needs it up to speed while offering a knowing head nod to those of us who area already firmly on Team Rainbow.

So, yes, they say the “L” word, and make it a toast even. So, yes, there are discussions of queer roots. And, yes, there’s a subtextual strap-on joke. And, yes, everyone’s jeans are cuffed so we know they’re gay. Plus, they have Ricki Lake who pops in every 20 minutes or so to offer a few lines of sage wisdom and a French pastry. Did I mention there is also a baking competition? So, again, I ask, how is this not everyone’s favorite movie already?

They even get to [SPOILER ALERT FOR THE ENDING. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.] to kiss for more than a damn split second (we all saw that millisecond kiss, Hallmark, and honestly – not impressed). Also, moving to a whole new town to be near your Christmas sweetie? Yeah, that’s next level U-Hauling, queer gays. Next level.

Now besides Ricki, the movie flexes its Lesbo Street Cred bona fides with lead actress Elise Bauman, who played queer characters in both the vampire lesbian webseries and movie “Carmilla” and the indie film “Almost Adults” (and both times with co-star Natasha Negovanlis). Here her co-star (besides those Bettie Page bangs) is the Tattiawna Jones whose previous credits include “The 100,” “The Bold Type” and “The Handmaid’s Tale,” so the six-degrees of gay separation game is real easy with these two.

Also, as an Easter egg for its wlw viewers, Lifetime has cast Wendy Crewson as he mom of Elise’s character Alma. Now imagine Wendy with her signature dark brown hair instead of the white mom do and you’ll likely instantaneously have “Better Than Chocolate” and “An Unexpected Love” flashbacks.

The latter, way back in 2003, was also a Lifetime movie and one of the first cable movies to tackle lesbian relationhips (in this case a late-in-life lesbian epiphany courtesy Wendy’s power suit-wearing Mac).

So, have you unwrapped “Under the Christmas Tree” yet in your household? And if not, what are you waiting for?

Music Monday: Christmastime Edition

Hope everyone who celebrates had a warm and joyous Christmas. The week between Christmas and New Year’s is always such a strange, unfocused time. Honestly, we should all be home and on vacation. But, you know, capitalism. So please take the time to slow down and enjoy the season. Happy Monday, kittens.

Make the Yuletide Gay

Well, we made it to our second (and hopefully our last) pandemic Christmas. We’ve certainly been muddling through somehow. Merry and happy to all who celebrate. May you find yourself among family and friends this holiday. And if those two things are not the same thing for you, may you be surrounded by only love and support and joy. May next year all our troubles truly be miles away. And may we all continue to make the yuletide, and all year long, gay. Merry Christmas, kittens.

Love-ish Thy Neighbor

May this be a cautionary tale. Don’t invite your racist and/or anti-Semitic and/or sexist neighbors over for the holidays. Even if they do look kinda like Kate McKinnon. Though she might not-so inadvertently flash you. Anyway, either way you’ve been warned.

Ever Vigil-ant

Oh, kittens. Christmas is coming early! Well, two days early. But, early none the less. As some of you noted in my last whiny post about it, “Vigil” is coming stateside on Peacock tomorrow (Dec. 23). Finally queer women on this side of the pond who are too lazy to set up a VPN like me can watch Gentleman Jack and Ygritte the Wildling solve murders and perhaps smooch (or at the very least process their relationship) on a nuclear submarine. After seeing clips and gifs aplenty about the series, I can’t wait. This is not the first time Suranne Jones or Rose Leslie have played gay, the former of course as the eponymous “Gentleman Jack” and the latter in the series “The Good Fight.” The American trailer keeps the gay stuff a little under wraps which, hmmm. But you and I know that hug contains multitudes. So let’s don we now our gay apparel, and let’s watch this thing finally.

Happy Carol Aird Day

Happy Carol Aird Day to all who celebrate. I plan to make poached eggs and creamed spinach (but in my heart because that sounds disgusting in real life) and listen to Billie Holiday on repeat. We already have our tree, so no need to stop at a lot to pick one out or snap any surreptitious pictures. Well, at least the dry martini with an olive will be good. So go fling yourself out of space and enjoy, kittens.

Music Monday: A Night Editions

I’m not a religious person, so I only celebrate the idea of non-secular Christmas with the jolly old elf and the reindeers. But I admit I like a good Christmas carol, even some of the religious ones. And “O Holy Night” was one our family used to play every Christmas - on an actual vinyl record and everything. Yeah, let’s all feel old together. Anyway, ours was a scratchy record with Luciano Pavarotti singing, and his phrasing was so Pavarotti Italian, I can hear it exactly in my head to this day. But, Brandi Carlile sure gives that a good run for its money. Happy Christmas week to all who celebration, and happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I haven’t commented on the Britney Spears situation much because it should go without saying that I was on Team Free Britney. Obviously, her situation is complicated by her unfathomable fame and the spectacularly public nature of her mental health issues. I hope she is now able to surround herself with people who will truly look after only her best interests, and she is able to enjoy her life however she sees fit. Bottom line, I want this woman to have a good life because heavens knows she has given enough of herself for the entertainment of others since before she just a girl (and definitely not yet a woman). Anyway, long story short, I want this woman to live a long and fulfilling life doing whatever she wants and being healthy and happy. Happy weekend, all – but especially to Britney Spears.

Boom Goes the Sam-o-nite

Here I go saying I don’t really follow sportsball and I go write about sportsball two days in a row. I contain multitudes, or something. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t give you all the end of the week boost you needed in the form of soccer star Sam Kerr absolutely decking a dumbass who ran onto the pitch. Like you can see her track, drop the shoulder and BOOM.

Like, you can practically hear the “splat” sound he made as she flattened him.

I particularly loved all the people screaming “Wanker!” at the pitch invader. If only he’d also been wearing a No. 9 jersey. As awesome as it was to see Sam (a.k.a. notable on field gal pal of Kristie Mewis) bring the hurt on an idiot who deserved it, it’s frustrating to know that a) she got a yellow card for her troubles, and b) the pitch invader wasn’t even arrested because it’s only a crime in UK law to crash a MALE professional soccer match. Cool, cool, cool.

Who else feels like body checking the world right now? Yeah, thought so.

Gay Lady Hat Trick

I admittedly don’t follow much of the sportsball (other than the Olympics and Women’s World Cup), but even I know it’s kind of a BFD that WNBA star Candace Parker both came out, introduced the world to her wife of two years/former teammate Anna Petrakova and announced they were having a baby all in one day. That sound you likely heard around midday yesterday was queer lady sportsball enthusiasts squealing in delight at the long suspected, but never official news. Also, talk about your coming out hat tricks. I’m gay! Here’s my wife! We’re having a baby! I mean, that level of coming out should gets you an entire convection oven, not just a toaster oven. Mazel tov to the happy and talented and very attractive (what, I have eyes) couple. Sportsball folks, feel free to talk amongst yourselves on this one. Me, I’ll just look at the pretty…scenery.

Oh, Lesbian Christmas Tree...

At this point I feel a little like Lesbian Oprah. You get a Lesbian Christmas Movie! And you get a Lesbian Christmas Movie! And you get a Lesbian Christmas Movie! But wait, there’s more! Actually, no, it’s just another lesbian Christmas movie! The trailer for Lifetime’s “Under the Christmas Tree” has landed and lemme tell you it’s cute and cheesy and features Ricki Lake. Clearly, I’m sold. I mean, lesbians wearing reindeer antlers while gay panicking at meeting other lesbians? Clearly, I set my DVR already for this Sunday. Clearly. Like, have we reached the point where someone says, “Let’s watch that lesbian Christmas movie!” and you have to respond, “Which one?” Yeah, we sure as Santa have.

Music Monday: Kelly Freaking Clarkson Edition

One of the best things about Kelly Clarkson is that she is always, entirely Kelly Clarkson. On her talk show she often covers famous songs because she’s Kelly Clarkson and why wouldn’t she sing on her show because, again, she’s Kelly Clarkson. But what makes her covers truly great is how she is able to arrange them perfectly to showcase her voice thereby making them entirely hers. She doesn’t try to be Ariana Grande singing “7 Rings” here. Instead she’s just Kelly Clarkson eating up “7 Rings” and making us almost forget Ariana did it first. When you’re Kelly Clarkson, it’s just another day killing it at the office. Happy Monday, kittens.

Vacation Vixen: Gillian Anderson

Whatever is in the water at Gillian Anderson’s house, please continue to supply her with it because, dayummm. Happy weekend, all - but especially to Gillian.

Vacation Vixen: Det. Cate

I take it back, cast Janelle and Cate Blanchett in one of those twee Wes Anderson-esque crime capers where they play a crime-fighting detective duo who always wear complimenting suits and 70s glasses you are pretty certain don’t magnify anything but their beauty. And, obviously, they’re 100% gay for each other.

Vacation Vixen: Det. Blanche

Free Casting Advice: Ditch Daniel Craig as Detective Benoit Blanc in the “Knives Out” sequel and instead cast Janelle Monae as Det. Benoîte Blanche. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Vacation Vixen: Charlize & KStew

So it’s mini-vacation time at Surrenders as I celebrate my 10-year dating anniversary with my wife (and also her birthday) this week. So, as always, I’ll leave you with some Vacation Vixens in my absence. Charlize and Kristen kick it off as we ponder the eternal question: Why would you put these two in a movie together and not make them kiss. Like, you know, at least once. For science! See you next week, kittens.

Music Monday: Winter Edition

The calendar shows this is the first Monday in December. So that means it’s that time of year again – time once more to settle into the beautiful melancholy of winter. And, of course, a time to share my favorite winter song, appropriately named “Winter Song.” I’d like Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson to provide my entire winter soundtrack, honestly. Grab a scarf and some hot chocolate, 'tis the season after all. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend (Holi-Gays) Crush

I did not intend for this week’s post to be all about the Christmas Industrial Complex. Still one of the better byproducts of our relentless focus on Dec. 25 is the small (but growing) raft of LGBTQ+ inclusive holiday movies. Last year’s “The Happiest Season” was of course the highest-profile entry into the Holi-Gays Rom-Com pantheon. I can’t believe that movie has been out for a year, and that Abby really picked Harper over Riley. (Hope spring eternal we get the Riley/Aubrey Plaza lesbian holiday rom-com we all deserve.)

One of the more pleasant entries so far this year comes from lesbian-owned Tello Films, which for its third consecutive year has been released a new holiday-themed rom-com for queer women to enjoy. They’ve found a great niche with these movies and are clearly filling an even greater need. I’m also happy to report that this year’s entry, “Christmas at the Ranch” is their best lesbian Christmas movie yet.

Make no mistake, “Christmas at the Rach” is straight off the pages of lesbian romance novels. A busy city gal with a high-powered job. A family back home who needs her to help save the ranch. A tall, handsome ranch hand who basically always wears her cowboy hat and bandana. At first they fight, but then… There’s even a scene where the handsome ranch gal catches the busy city gal as she slips off a hay-ride wagon. I mean, COME ON, how ripped from your favorite romance novel pages perfect is that?

Now, full disclosure, I don’t read lesbian romances reguarly (this is not a judgment call, just a hours in the day call). But my wife LOVES them. And she basically clapped and squealed the whole way through this movie. So if you’ve ever wanted one of your romance novels to sprint to life, this is the movie for you.

It is cheesy in the ways you want your holiday rom-coms to be cheesy. But the characters, setting and story are likable enough for the cheese to be delicious. Plus, following the holiday movie rule of casting at least one veteran actor with name recognition, this movie has the Bionic Woman Lindsay Wagner herself. Lesbians, cowboy hats, hay rides and the Bionic Woman? Please, who can resist? It’s streaming now on Tello. Happy weekend and watching, all.

More Holi-Gay Cheer

Yes, I know, it’s all Lesbian Holiday Movies all the time on Surrenders this week. And I haven’t even put up the decorations at home yet. But I had to share Hallmark’s foray into ladies who love ladies AND the holidays with their new movie “Every Time Bell Rings.” And instead of just throwing a veteran actress with name recognition into the mix and calling it a day (hello Fran Drescher and Andie MacDowell, how are your gay TV sons?), this movie has its own lesbo street cred bona fides.

Yes, that’s right, our own Ali Liebert stars in the new Hallmark Christmas movie as one of three sisters returning home for the holidays. Ali, who identifies as queer in real life, plays the gay sister, ‘natch. Honestly it’s only fitting that the “Bomb Girls” alum is the one to first slap a rainbow sticker over Hallmark’s Christmas movie juggernaut. (Though, you’d never realize it from the trailer, alas — unless that leather jacket is subtle code for G-A-Y.)

[Spoiler Alert: If you don’t want to know about potential smoochies, stop reading.]

Now, all that is fine and good, but does the gay sister get any action? Well the answer to that seems to be a resounding, “Yay, gay!” Ali shared pictures of her character kissing another woman on her Instagram feed recently. I mean there’s shoulder touching and everything. Hallmark, you minx.

All kidding aside, this new slew of queer-friendly holiday fare is a reminder that being more inclusive isn’t a fad. It’s a way to make more people feel accepted and embraced in our culture, and it’s something long long overdue. So I don’t know if this movie is going to be any good, but I’m certainly setting my DVR to record “Every Time a Bell Rings” this Sunday. ‘Tis the season, after all.

Witchy Winter Vibes

@evilhag4ever

NO IM SO EXCITED I CANT (from @ electrop0p on ig)

♬ original sound - evilhag4ever <3

All I want for Christmas is the Riley-centric “Happiest Season” sequel we all deserve. Happy December, kittens. May you find your hearts desire and/or Aubrey Plaza under the tree.

p.s. I don’t know if a witchy Aubrey is truly breaking news at her book signing or not. But there was talk of a sequel. So go cast some spells my witchy friends. Make it gayly so!

More of That

Well, it’s taken me longer to recover from Thanksgiving weekend than I thought. Please enjoy the new full-length trailer to “And Just Like That…” Admittedly, Miranda seems a lot less potentially gay in this one, and there’s the promient placement of Steve. But a gal can dream. And at least we get Sara Ramirez on our team for sure. Also, there are shoes, if you’re into that.

Music Monday: JoJo Forever

I’m honestly not entirely clear who won “Dancing With the Stars.” I just know JoJo Siwa didn’t win. And, honestly, that’s a shame. No disrespect to whomever the winner was (again, I hardly know who most of the contestants are). But JoJo has radiated a certain kind of joy and positivity, while still being vulnerable and honest. As the first same-sex couple to perform on the show in now its 30th season, she made that most important of impacts – representation. Also, the girl can dance. And that Prince Charming number? Please, every queer gal had a little swoon at that fairytale moment. So congratulations, JoJo. Thanks for being the first, and may there be so many more to come. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. The way she just full-out sings “Born This Way” while dancing? Yeah, the kids are all right.

My Weekend Crush

Here's every time Emma Thompson danced tonight.

You're welcome. #AnAudienceWithAdele pic.twitter.com/qJP45dbdxi

— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) November 21, 2021

I’ve never been to an Adele concert. But, if I’m lucky enough to score tickets one of these days, I want to be the one dancing in the stands like Emma Thompson at the special “An Audience With Adele” special you kittens across the pond were able to watch over the weekend. As a crass American, I don’t have access to the whole show. But I know Emma dancing her ass off is the spiritual energy I want to bring into this holiday weekend. I say spiritual, because after everything I’ve consumed this week the only dancing I’m doing is from the couch to the refrigerators. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. I know Emma’s dancing culminated with her reuniting Adele with her childhood inspiration and English teacher. So, in case you also want a good cry with to come after your wild dancing, enjoy.

We all have that one teacher who changed our life… such a beautiful reunion! ❤️

*PS, would totally buy Alan Carr’s version of ‘Make You Feel My Love* 🤣@Adele #AnAudienceWithAdele https://t.co/2ZZI2RS0mI pic.twitter.com/hlTOOZKt5j

— ITV (@ITV) November 21, 2021

Happy Thanksgiving, Kittens

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! Now, the Thanksgiving movie is the rare bird among holiday movies (see what I did there, bird). But there are some notable ones. And the best ones always have a gay undercurrent. Hello, “Home for the Holidays” directed by Jodie freaking Foster. I rest my case. But lest we forget in 2000 the universe have us “What’s Cooking?” While not perhaps a great movie, it was a great attempt at a multicultural framing of a traditional American holiday. And did I mention that Kyra Segdwick and Julianna Margulies play LESBIAN LOVERS? They’re pregnant of course, because this was a movie with lesbians in it from the early 2000s. I forgot how, uh, suggestive that split-second turkey stuffing scene was. And people say Julianna doesn’t make a convincing lesbian on “The Morning Show.” As a non-watcher, I can’t judge (well, except for some well-edited clips, ahem). But 21 years ago, I think she earned her honorary toaster oven. I mean, obviously, lose the bandana. But otherwise, passable. Happy turkey (and other things) stuffing day, all.

A Second Taste

Straight women have Stanley Tucci slurping pasta all over the Italian countryside. Gay women have Padma Laksmi exploring the culinary diversity of America. And as much as we all love the Tucci, Padma tucking in the food that actually inspired Thanksgiving dinner, well, that’s like Christmas came early for me. The first series was a fascinating look into America’s culinary heritage, one that is built like the rest of this country on the backs of immigrants and their ability to mesh their unique traditions into the fabric of our nation — whether some choose to acknowledge that heritage or not. But this is our country’s history, and if nothing else it certainly tastes delicious.

Tank Top Tuesday: Vasquez Edition

Someone mentioned Private Vasquez from the 1986 sequel “Aliens” as one of the best (and only) butch female representations in mainstream blockbusters. And you know what, 35 years later and it’s unfortunately still genuinely hard to think of positive butch female character from major studio productions. But Vasquez, well, she was definitely and unapologetically butch. And, very very hot. Plus, if you stop the video 2 seconds before the finish, she even gets a happy ending.

p.s. The hot tank top action, well, that’s my gift to you at the start of this holiday season.

Music Monday: MUNA Redux

I wonder if watching MUNA make their national television debut on “The Late Late Show with James Corden” for Gen Z queer women today is like what it felt like watching the Indigo Girls make their national television debut on “Late Night With David Letterman” for this Gen Xer back in 1989. Truly, no matter the era or the age, it’s a thrill to see artists who sing about us as LGBTQ+ people and our loves find a national stage. Plus, love the major gay prom vibes. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

I miss “Gentleman Jack.” Like, a lot. Like, hurry up already and give us our second season already a lot. I know I said this already, but I need that jolt of pure live-action lesbian period piece romance. I know I’ve grumbled in the past about movies only giving us lesbian period dramas. But lesbian period romance is something different. This is the swoony kissing on mountaintops stuff of our dreams. Never mind that in real life Anne Lister was definitely a Tory and interested only in the concerns of the privileged land-owning aristocracy. In make-believe heaven she’s the romantic lead of our olden times dreams. Fine, maybe without that hair. But still. That Gentleman, she’s a keeper. And, of course, so is that rainbow cardigan on Suranne Jones. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. I am also still impatiently waiting my chance to finally see Suranne play a modern lesbian. Hurry up and release “Vigil” across the pond so us American yokels can watch too.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Suits & More Suits

I can’t believe there are only 44 days left in 2021. Like it seems forever ago since January 1, but then how can it almost be 2022 already? Can you believe that fetid orange turd was still president at the start of this year? And that somehow we’re STILL in a damn pandemic? I can’t wrap my mind around any of it. So instead of even trying, I’m going to look at beautiful women in beautiful suits. Pinstripe. Solids. Tweeds. With vests. Without vests. Yes, yes, also yes and again yes. Now who cares about the endless march of time and relentless onslaught of daily life? I mentioned some of the suites are pinstripe, right?

Brandi Carlile

Brandi doesn’t have any tour dates next year near me yet and I’m rather cross about it. But not cross enough to ignore her lovely brown grandpa suit here.

Janelle Monae

Pinstripes and polka dots? With her impeccable Suit Cred anything is acceptable.

America Ferrera

Has America played a lesbian before? Because she had the way we sit down pat.

Regina King

I had a real double-breasted suit thing when I was younger, and now that I think about it I had great taste back then.

Aubrey Plaza

Honestly, I hate these formal shorts. But then I love tweed. And I still think Abby should have picked Riley instead. So there’s that.

Jennifer Hudson

All-white suits are nearly impossible to pull off. And I’m telling you J-Hud does it flawlessly.

Tessa Thompson

See, all of a sudden you don’t care what year it is either.

And Just Like Gay...

So the new “And Just Like That...”/Sex and the City: Generation Q trailer came out. And, um, things are definitely more queer than they used to be with the ladies who brunch. I don’t know if this is yet another case of Wishful Gay Thinking, but does Miranda seem...interested?

Besides the obvious (and now bittersweet) inclusion of the show’s obligatory gay BFFs Stanford Blatch (the late Willie Garson) and Anthony Marentino (Mario Cantone), the SATC universe may have finally beefed up its queer female representation. Yes, I know, there was the thing where they had Samantha hooked up with a fiery lesbian artist played by Sonia Braga. And they had Miranda kiss that one lesbian lawyer to make sure. And they had Charlotte temporarily run with a gang of Power Suit Lesbians because why not. Right, and they had SJP’s Carrie kiss Alanis Morissette and then immediately freak out and flee the premises. But, besides that, there truly have not been any regular queer female characters in their New York City. And that’s just crazypants because you NYC gals have the Cubbyhole.

Anyway, while I haven’t read any official confirmation that “And Just Like That...” now verified Lesbo Street Cred, here is a completely speculative assessment of the possibly, maybe and definitely queer content in the series revival’s first teaser trailer.

Evie in the City

Any show that casts Nicole Ari Parker always gets some residual Lesbo Street Cred because of her seminal role in the 1995 indie cinema darling and teen lesbian rom-com “The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love.” Just to clarify, I don’t think her character who appears to be a new bestie of Charlotte’s is queer, mind you. But you can never be sure.

We’re Roommates, Honest

So I don’t know who this super cool and fun-seeming mystery stranger Miranda is conversing with on the subway platform, but I detect more chemistry in that split-second arm touch than between Katherine Heigl and Alexis Bledel during the entire 95-minutes of “Jenny’s Wedding.” Yes, I am reaching back into the wayback lesbian cinema machine for this post, why do you ask?

Sara. Freaking, Ramirez.

Truly, need I say more?

Lesbian Twinsies Already

Getting awfully matchy matchy with their clothing color schemes.

Fine, It’s Steve

Fine, Steve made the trailer along with who I can only assume is their tall ginger son.

Again, all this could just be Wishful Gay Thinging. But a queer gal can dream until Dec. 9.

Lady Dance Lessons

Remember when celebrities used to slink away to foreign countries to make flashy, high-profile commercials so as not to damage their brands and appear to be sellouts? Like, the whole premise of “Lost in Translation” is based on the former practice of quietly going to Japan to shill for major corporations. Those days, clearly, are long gone as capitalism gotta capitalism in every aspect of our public and private lives. What celebrity isn’t trying to sell you a credit card or coffee maker or bottle of over-priced perfume these days?

Anyway, this is an overly complicated way of saying because of the glut of celebrity advertising I somehow missed this commercial for H&M starring Winona Ryder and Elizabeth Olsen (pre-WandaVision) back when it came out in 2018. TikTok helped resurface it to my attention, well a short clip of Winona and Liz dancing at least, that made me hunt for the full clip which led me to the ad which led me to my long-winded intro.

Now, I know this commercial is trying to sell me clothes. But if you stop before the logo shows at the end it plays like a PSA about how boring men are to dance with and how you should try a series of female dance partners instead until a beautiful, mysterious woman shows up to sweeps you off your feet. What? Stop the video at 1:14 and tell me this isn’t your take away from this whole thing. And if that’s the case, I’m buying what they’re selling.

Music Monday: F@cking Adele Edition

In between albums, what I miss most about Adele is of course that voice. But, honestly, it’s also that cheeky attitude. Part of her charm is her realness, and an obvious sense of humor about herself and the world. May she continue to delight us while making us weep (with laughter, or just as we sing along alone in our cars) for years and years and years to come. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

It almost pains me to say this, because reality television has all too often been an cynical cesspool of toxic stereotypes and lazy tropes, but I kinda sorta actually liked “Tampa Baes.” And by “liked” I mean, is maddeningly watchable. The new Amazon Prime Video documentary series about a group of lesbian friends who live and party in the Tampa Bay area is everything I should hate about reality television. Handpicked pretty people, manufactured drama, sensationalized in-fighting, endless partying. Mix, take a shot, flip a table, repeat.

But somewhere along the way the show figured out that the interior lives of these young queer women was just as interesting – if not a lot more interesting – than all their exterior fighting, fucking, crying, drinking et al. Granted, the first couple episodes are heavy on the flashy, trashy stuff. But if you stick it out, you’re rewarded at times with unexpected warmth and depth.

“Tampa Baes” works best when instead of dwelling on the inevitable bar fights of pontoon boat fights or Pride float fights, it lets the queer women simply talk about their lives. One woman grew up in a conservative Christian household and still struggles with her alienation from the church while creating a new sense of spirituality for herself. Another women has yet to come out to her grandparents, and allows cameras to follow her process in a raw way that will feel universal to many, many LGBTQ+ folks. While some of these frank moments barely break the surface, the earnestness with which these queer women recognize and share their own issues (be they with mental health or unaccepting families or struggles with finances) is commendable. That is the stuff I care about, not who is the self-proclaimed It Couple of Tampa. If only more reality TV realized that.

The show works best in those moments, when the superficial drama of the moment gives way to these underlying issues or long-festering traumas. The more we learn, the less each women remains a cardboard cut-out of whatever archetypal persona we thought we knew – the fuckboi, the party girl, the drama queen, the disaster artist. I was surprised by how some of these conversations actually felt organic, instead of the Very Special Episode-y.

Granted, it’s not all introspective or existential. The show is, as mentioned, packed with pretty people. All the same complaints about the original “The L Word” could be copy and pasted onto “Tampa Baes.” A mostly white or light-skinned cast. A mostly thin and largely feminine-presenting cast. BIPOC cast members are too often peripheral. And, again, we are treated to too many dumb, drunken fights and annoying, superficial “It Couple” posturing.

Drinks get thrown. Trash gets talked. Stupid shit happens. Characters get the Villain Edit and the Hero Edit and the usual other manipulations of so-called “reality” television. But that’s only to be expected. What I didn’t expect is that they’d be able to, at times, break through reality TV’s worst impulses and let the shared messiness of figuring out our queer lives shine through instead. Bottom line, for still sometimes for worse but luckiy also sometimes for better this show is just damn watchable. So happy watching and weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Smulder-ing Edition

I’m always a little baffled by why Cobie Smulders isn’t on every queer gals Hall Pass list. (But you know, a theoretical list, not an actual list since the “Hall Pass” idea is dumb and generally unrealistic and likely sexist in origin, but I digress.) Anway, Cobie has that hot brunette with a great jawline thing going on which is a knee weakener for many of us (I blame/thank Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman).

Cobie has pinned her recent success to that other comics brand (Marvel) as that other female superhero (Agent Maria Hill) and done very well. Yet she somehow still eludes the mass adulation status à la your Cate Blanchetts or your Gillian Andersons among many queer gals. This is despite playing gay in some memorable roles from her appearance as the hot lesbian artist who made the dangerous baby mobile in the original “The L Word” run, or the hot bisexual private detective who made bad life decisions in the sadly cancelled “Stumptown.” The standalone episode where her Dex hooks up with a lady assassin? Come on, that was HOT.

Obviously, I could be wrong about my perception of the queer girl crush size on Cobie. But perhaps it was spending nine seasons on such an aggressively heterosexual show as “How I Met Your Mother” that left her a little off our radars. I mean, any show that turned Neil Patrick Harris into The Ultimate Bro is the heterosexual agenda, periodt.

So, in an effort to right our corrective courses when it comes to Cobie, here is her photoshoot from French fashion magazine L'Officiel’s Australian edition. Her appearance in a variety of suits should help remind people of her crushworthiness. Also, come on, her last name is Smulders. I mean, that’s just custom-made for smoldering (or should I say Smulder-ing) lesbo-hearththrobbery. That and all the suits.

No Clowning With Choice

I know for some it might seem counterintuitive for a lesbian to care deeply about abortion. (Which, obviously, is dumb because lesbians need abortions for all manner of reasons.) But honestly the current national debate about abortion should be maddening for all regardless of sexual orientation or gender. All this ceaseless moralizing is just a convenient way to control women and pregnant people, particularly poor people and people of color. Make no mistake, the only thing these abortion bans will do is make it unsafe for women and pregnant people to end their unwanted pregnancies again. Abortions will still happen, period. They’ll continue to be easy to access for the rich, but become unsafe and potentially deadly for the not rich.

What I think the framing of the abortion debate really is (besides obvious Christian-right propaganda and typical patriarchal bullshit) another example of how our culture continues to other-ize perfectly normal largely female activities. Take ads for period products. Like, for fuck’s sake, we’ve all grown up with a lifetime of watching blue liquid be poured onto pads because it’d be too “gross” to show fake blood. Somehow the concept of menstruation is too icky for polite people to talk about despite more than half the world’s population experiencing it basically every month for literally decades of their lives.

Part of what makes Cicily Strong’s* “Goober the Clown Who Had an Abortion When She was 23”-sketch work so well is it deflates the typical “Not something we talk about in polite society”-ness of abortion. She’s not making fun or light of abortion, quite the opposite. She’s instead skewering the absurdity of the taboo that says women and people who have been pregnant should hide and never talk about their abortions. One in three women will have an abortion in her lifetime. It’s not shameful, it’s healthcare. And you probably know and love someone very much who has had one and is grateful they are safe, legal and accessible.

The only shame is if we let a loud minority (because, again, most American support safe and legal abortion) control us. So honka-honka off with that nonsense. And don’t ever clown around with women and pregnant people’s right to choose.

*My tired brain appreciates the spell checks! Doh!

Happy En-Gay-gment

Well, now that the big en-GAY-gment news is out, time to look back at what has made K-Stew America’s Lesbian Sweetheart. Kidding! There’s no such thing as America’s anything because we’re all living in corrosive and conflicting parallel universes, some with very little understanding and willful disregard for basic facts. But, anyway, the good news is still no matter what political universe you live in Kristen Stewart remains “So gay, dude.” I’ve found Kristen’s public persona to be pretty fascinating. She has gone from very obviously reluctant teen starlet to obviously reluctant movie star to what she is today – a marquee celebrity who eschews most big budget products in favor of indie fare and is also very, very out and gay. So, here’s a look back at K-Stew’s gay-volution since coming out, officially, in that SNL monologue in February 2017. And mazel tov to Kristen and her screenwriting fiancée Dylan Meyer (who co-wrote “Moxie” btw, which I enjoyed). May you live long, gay, happy lives together.

The Monologue, Feb. 2017

We all have a coming out story, but we don’t all have a coming out story that includes going on national television to essentially telling Donald Trump to leave you alone and fuck off.

The Chop, March 2017

Almost exactly a month after her “So gay, dude” heard around the world K-Stew shaved her head which, relatable.

The Regrowth, August 2017

Also relatable, wearing hats during that awkward growing back out after shaving one’s head phase.

The Greaser, May 2018

I mean, who hasn’t channeled their inner Danny Zuko a time or two?

The Roxbury, Jan. 2019

Frosted tips and shiny suits 4Eva!

The Zuko Redux, Sept. 2019

I mean leather jackets never truly go out of style, right?

The Vest, Oct. 2019

Anytime a vest is substituted as a top, well, gayness is happening.

The Everything, Nov. 2019

Truly, the hat, the jacket, the pose, the rolled sleeves, the hand in pocket. Everything, including the “Charlie’s Angels.”

The Wow, Nov. 2019

Obviously, thanks to the “Charlie’s Angels,” we’re in a very gay period. Call them the Gay ‘19s, if you will. Also the last of the wondrously unaware Before Times pre COVID.

The Sophisticate, Oct. 2020

Getting dressed up for that first big pandemic outing is always a challenge.

The Dad, Sept. 2021

There’s always a bowling shirt phase, always.

The Vintage, 2001

Yep, even 20 years ago we knew. We knew.

Music Monday: Fletcher Edition

As I strive to stay hep with The Youths, I’ve stumbled across another popular lesbian singer on TikTok. Meet Fletcher, yes one name because all the cool cats and kittens are doing it apparently. Right now my For You Page is filled with soundbites from Zolita and Fletcher. Like are you even on Lesbian TikTok if you haven’t come across snippets of Zolita’s “Somebody I Fucked Once” or Fletcher’s “Girls Girls Girls?” The latter is a Millennial/Gen Z reworking of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” with some vintage-feeling Sassy magazine aesthetics that also appeal to this aging Gen Xer. I dunno much about Fletcher other than the Katy Perry royalty part of her song is playing on like 40% of the lesbian videos I get on TikTok these days. The other 60% is dogs, cats and food videos, obviously. Now go kiss some girls and happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

So to round out my Birthday Blog Week, here’s another blast from the past/an parallel universe where Bette Porter is K-Stew’s mom and lesbian worlds collide in spectacular fashion. Travel, if you will, back with me to 2004 when Jennifer Beals and Kristen Stewart played mother and daughter (I know, suppress your laughter if you can) in “Catch That Kid.” I’ve never watched the movie, since by 2004 it was way out of my demographic. But I read the synopsis and it’s something about the daughter of a paralyzed mountain climber scheming with friends to rob a bank to pay for his surgery which, um, GRIM, AMERICA, GRIM. We could have healthcare for all, but instead bank robbery is a viable movie option. Anyway, long story somewhat shorter, in my head this is Bette telling K-Stew to keep that jacket cause one day it’ll really go with her future aesthetic. (Also, congratulations are in order for her ENGAGEMENT this week, cementing that queer aesthetic permanently one might say) Also also Jennifer clearly kept that wardrobe for “The L Word.”

Also, you see that beanie? Like HOW DID PEOPLE NOT KNOW? How? Happy weekend, all.

Hela Funny

In keeping with my It’s My Birthday Blog And I Can Post Wildly Outdated Stuff If I Want To theme this week, here’s just 45 wildly enjoyable seconds of Cate Blanchett wearing motion sensing ping-pongs while trying to be simultaneously menacing and fierce as Hela in the last Thor movie. Like, I could watch Cate accidentally making the fight noises with her mouth on a loop for hours. Hours, I tell you.

Lost Fights

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It’s my birthday week and I’ll post throwbacks to Anna Silk and Zoie Palmer practicing a fight scene for “Lost Girl” if I want to. But then, watching two incredibly talented and beautiful actresses pretend to pummel one another is kind of a gift for all of us. It’s also Hump Day, not coincidentally. Man, I miss that show.

p.s. Bonus points if you remember which episode made Zoie go all Wolverine. I do, but then how can you forget the episode where Zoie also sang in French. Ohh, lala.

Happy Holigays Scheduling

Well, now that we’re past Halloween, the grand American tradition of skipping right over Thanksgiving and going full-bore into the damn Christmas season is upon us. Yes, I know, some places were playing holiday music before the Halloween skeletons had even been put away. But I digress. So with the holiday shopping craze comes the holiday movie trend. Hallmark and Lifetime have turned churning out aggressively heterosexual Yuletide rom-comes into a not-so-tiny cottage industry of these holidays.

But, recently, we’ve slowly seen more mainstream acceptance of the Holi-Gays. Last year we had a big breakthrough with “The Happiest Season,” which while perhaps not the perfect holigays movie, it was a huge step in widespread visibility with marquee actors and bigger than shoestring budgets for a change. Honestly, coming out storylines and all, I liked it and plan to watch it again this season. You know, along with the other great lesbian Christmas movie, “Carol.”

Well, this year, we’ll get to add some more Holigays movies to the Big Gay Christmas pantheon. First up (though, not necessarily chronologically first up, more on that later) is Lifetime’s very first lesbian Christmas rom-com “Under the Christmas Tree.”

Here’s Lifetime’s description of “Under the Christmas Tree” (airs Dec. 19):

“Marketing whiz Alma Beltran (Elise Bauman) and Christmas tree whisperer Charlie Freemont (Tattiawna Jones) cross paths when Charlie finds the perfect tree for the Maine Governor’s Holiday Celebration – right in Alma’s back yard. While they initially spar, romantic sparks soon begin to fly between the two women as the enchanting tree and some Christmas fairy dust from the town’s pâtissière extraordinaire (Ricki Lake) bring out the best in them and spark each other to take leaps of faith and fight for love and Christmas magic.”

I dunno, gays, they had me at Ricki Lake plays the town’s pâtissière extraordinaire. Do I already absolutely adore the adversarial meet-cute of finding the perfect tree in the other’s yard? Duh, I’m only human. My only quibble is Lifetime is making up wait until SIX DAYS before Christmas to watch this. Considering they start their slate of movies on Nov. 12, it’s a long wait to get to to the gay stuff. But, again, Ricki Lake plays a pâtissière and there’s guaranteed gonna be some lady smooching under at least one damn tree so let’s do this thing.

The next lesbian holigays movie comes from our friends at Tello. They’re also the ones who gave us our FIRST lesbian holiday rom-com, 2019’s “Season of Love” and last year’s “I Hate New Year’s.” Their latest, “Christmas at the Ranch” is premised on a classic lesbian romance setup, so obviously I’m in.

Here’s Tello’s description of “Christmas at the Ranch” (screens in December):

“When Haley Hollis (Laur Allen) returns to her family ranch to try and save it from foreclosure, she wasn't banking on spending so much time with ranch hand Kate (Amanda Righetti) — or falling for her.”

And, in the grand tradition of holiday rom-coms, a veteran actress with clout and name recognition adds authenticity to the whole affair. In this case it’s Lindsay Wagner, a.k.a. The Bionic Woman herself. Also there are so many cowboy hats and that whole catching her as she falls and lands right in your arms trope. Yee-haw, you know imma watch this one, lil doggies.

Sadly, that’s it for ladies-loving-ladies holigay movies this year. But we’re getting two more dudes-loving-dudes holiday offerings as well. I mean, sure, the fellas can have their holidays too. First up is Hallmark’s “The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls.” The Christmas House One, as I will now refer to it, was admittedly not my favorite of last year’s slate of gay boy holiday rom-coms (though, luckily, not as terrible as “Dashing in December, which, man). But also it’s not entirely a queer film, it’s a large ensemble about a family where one of the brothers happens to be gay. I mean, he gets a partner so there’s romance, but yeah. Not entirely the same.

Here’s Hallmark’s succinct description of “The Christmas House 2” (airs Dec. 18):

“The Mitchell brothers compete to see who can create the best Christmas House.”

One of the aforementioned brothers (played by out former “Mean Girls” actor Jonathan Bennett is gay and has a husband and their storyline in the first movie was of course about having a baby. Well, at least it wasn’t about coming out.

This year’s final holidays treat is Netflix’s “Single All the Way.” While you could argue that 2019’s “Let It Snow” was the streamer’s first holigays film (it featured a same-sex female couple in their teenage ensemble), this appears to be their first main character, primary storyline queer holidays romance. That I have to parse that is tiring, but alas we still live in a world full of long-overdue firsts.

Here’s Netflix’s description of “Single All the Way” (streams Dec. 2):

“Desperate to avoid his family’s judgment about his perpetual single status, Peter (Michael Urie) convinces his best friend Nick (Philemon Chambers) to join him for the holidays and pretend that they’re now in a relationship. But when Peter’s mother (Kathy Najimy) sets him up on a blind date with her handsome trainer James (Luke Macfarlane)— the plan goes awry.”

I dunno about that premise but Kathy Najimy plays his mom and Jennifer Coolidge plays Aunt Sandy so clearly I’m going to watch this. Also, Michael, where you been? You were great in Ugly Betty.

So, thoughts on this year’s holigays lineup? Slightly more queer gender equity in this year’s lineup. Which is appreciated. Now let’s get to romancing in the snow, all you festive holiday gays.