You might have heard the collective “Whoa” when Natalie Portman’s buff arms in the new “Thor: Love & Thunder” were first revealed a couple weeks ago. Now the full-length trailer offers a one-two double scoop of arm candy from Natalie and King of Asgard Tessa Thompson. And also Chris Hemsworth’s abs, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Right, so obviously we’re going to have a biceps off between Natalie and Tessa. It’s, like, the law.
Poster Arms
Fight Arms
Suit Arms
I don’t listen to music like I used to. When I was younger, high school and college, music helped me navigate the world. And the music of Tori Amos helped me navigate my internal universe. To this day, I still haven’t seen a more raw performer live. So looking back at Tori, 28 years ago, singing right into the meatiest, messiest parts of our souls reminds me of the power of music all over again. May you find the music that keeps you feeling alive this week and every week. Happy Monday, kittens.
💞 KATE 💞 pic.twitter.com/1Vu7inSjo7
— Saturday Night Live - SNL (@nbcsnl) May 24, 2022
Well, there goes my reason for watching any “Saturday Night Live” in the first place. After a decade (yes, a whole damn DECADE) on SNL, Kate McKinnon has left the building. Last weekend was her last rodeo. While we all know the live sketch comedy show is hit-and-many-misses funny these days, there’s never been any question about Kate. She has carried the series on her unendingly talented back — as both its backbone and moral conscience at times — for the past 10 years. (Yeah, make fun of it all you will, but the Hillary Hallelujah touched something deep in all of us who were stupidly blindsided by her loss and thought a better country was possible. And that was even before shit got truly dire.)
Kate is also a source of personal pride for many a queer woman who watched her rise up from the humble pages of that formerly smart queer women’s website that was named after that other lesbian celebrity who just happens to be ending her show this week (and who Kate just happens to be really good at impersonating). Remember her on the vlogs? Oh, we were all so young then. So young and so gay.
But Kate was truly great right out of the gates. On her very, very first show she gave us this absolute gem. Honestly, this and Lucy Lawless skit where she plays Stevie Nicks making a commercial for her fast-casual Mexican restaurant chain are two of my all-time favorites. I mean, this was her first show and she was already this funny.
The season finale was also the last show for Aidy Bryant, another decade-long veteran, who is also great on her own right (have you watched “Shrill?”) and wonderful as a comedy partner to Kate. (Also, the guy who is dating Kim Kardashian left too or whatever.) I believe Kate and Aidy are the perfect comedy work wives. And while they have many, many memorable sketches together, the one where they got Gal Gadot to kiss Kate is truly an all-time classic. First, manifest your own dreams, gay comedy writers, and second, yeah she got to kiss Wonder Woman. Perfect. No notes.
Honestly, it’s fitting Kate and Aidy left together. Now they can finally work on their soon-to-be hit crime drama “Dyke & Fats.”
And they saved Christmas!
Best of luck, Kate and Aidy. Thank you for all the super duper, duper super gay laughs. Happy weekend, all.
While we’re focusing on the fellas, here’s another one to get excited about. Billy Eichner’s new gay rom-com with the unfortunate name “Bros” (I know, it’s ironic, still — bros, man). But the trailer and large queer cast makes me, well, excited. It looks funny. It looks very gay. I mean, yes, there’s a lot of shirtless gay hunks dancing in clubs. It reminds me of dancing at gay clubs with an endless sea of sweaty shirtless gay boys. And then there's Bowen Yang and Dot-Marie Jones being super gay. So, obviously, yes. I will watch this. But, again, I just really hate the title. I guess nothing’s perfect.
I watched the original American “Queer As Folk” in bits and pieces. It wasn’t exactly our show, but it was still about us. So, of course, you had to watch it. The series captured that turn of the 21st Century white gay boy vibe to an absolute T. Which, again, is one of the reasons I didn’t necessarily watch it religiously. That was reserved for the show about that one-letter word.
So when they said they were going to reboot the series now some 20 years later, I was initially only mildly interested. OK, circuit parties for the year 2022, I guess. We’ve seen a number of reboots of our queer canon shows — from “Tales of the City” to “The L Word” et al. And they’ve all been good, if perhaps not the best at capturing the full spectrum of our current queer culture. Like, I enjoy “The L Word: Generation Q,” but having one character run for mayor of one of America’s biggest cities and another with an Ellen-like talk show may not be the most relatable plotlines.
I honestly didn’t know what to expect from the new “Queer As Folk.” But after watching the trailer and learning its premise. I’m in.
Set in the backdrop of a Pulse nightclub-like shooting in a New Orleans queer bar, the new series is about what it takes to rebuild as a community. I feel hopeful that this glimpse at the young queer life with a diverse cast will better reflect our realities. Also, it has Juliette Lewis and Kim Cattrall as parents of adult LGBTQ children, which is just premium casting of what in another era we’d call iconic rhymes with Bag Sag.
I don’t know if the show will ultimately deliver on its promise. But I have hope that this series with al all-queer writer’s room and out queer actors playing out queer parts will do us proud.
I always liked this scene, for many reasons. For one, it was a way to see Dana again — just one episode after she was egregiously killed off. I still don’t really like hearing “You Are My Sunshine” anymore. And of course there’s Tegan & Sara. Just something about the way Erin Daniels danced around with total abandon made us remember why we loved Dana in the first place. Also, come on, it’s always fun when a character takes acid, right? Right. Happy Monday, kittens.
Like, I was not expecting a movie that prominently featured dildos and butt plugs in key action sequences to also bring me to tears in a quiet scene without any spoken dialogue? But, this is that movie.
A showcase for unparalleled Asian talent, EEAAO is about the immigrant experience, intergenerational trauma, everyday life’s mundanity, everyday life’s extraordinariness and, ultimately, true familial love. Also, did I mention it’s gay? Like really, really queer? And hot dog fingers are used in lesbian seducation. No explanations, the less you know truly the better.
What EEAAO also does is give Michelle Yeoh a chance to reaffirm her place as a legend of modern cinema. We all knew, for decades, that Michelle could kick ass. And we knew, for decades, that she could plum emotional depth. But EEAAO is perhaps the first film to bring them together in such spectacular and invigorating fashion. She’s very, very, very, veryveryveryveryvery good.
Indeed the whole cast is veryveryveryveryvery good. Like, how can Michelle and Ke Huy Quan (of 80s child actor fame as Short Round/Data in “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom”/”The Goonies” who went on to be a top-light stunt coordinator) and James Hong (pioneering Asian-American actor who at age 93 has been in too many iconic movie roles to count) and Stephanie Hsu (who you probably recognize from “Awkwafina Is Nora from Queens” and “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”) and Harry Shum Jr. (you know, from “Glee”) and Jenny Slate (you know, the Marcel the Shell with Shoes on comic) and Jamie Lee Curtis (no introduction needed) all be in the same movie? Some kind of multi-verse miracle, no doubt.
Honestly, as I said, the less you know the better. But I promise that the multiverse adventures of an exhausted laundromat owner facing an IRS audit while trying to plan a birthday party for her estranged father visiting from China while dealing with her estranged lesbian daughter (and her alternative lifestyle haircuted girlfriend) at the same time is so worth your time. So, so, sososososo worth it.
Right, so who wants to join me for another (or your first or your infinite, it’s a multiverse afterall) watch of “Everything Everywhere All At Once”? Happy weekend, all.
p.s. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS: You have to love a movie whose central theme essentially boils down to this — love your lesbian daughter. Yeah, definitely watching this movie again. And again, and again, and againagainagainagainagain.
Well, turned out they did. She is. And, she is going to be the new love interest to series star Selena Gomez’s character Mabel. So, um, do I get another toaster oven? Because I believe I wished this into existence. You are welcome. I accept Venmo. (Kidding! I mean I do, but kidding.)
I really enjoyed this series for its entirely unexpected chemistry between septuagenarian comedy legends Steve Martin and Martin Short with Gomez. The dad joke energy meets disaffected millennial vibe is strong with this one, but somehow it works.
The series showrunner John Hoffman revealed the new relationship in an interview with Vanity Fair. Apparently Selena and Cara have been friends for years, and that resulted in a “quick, sexy intimacy to their onscreen rapport.”
“It was amazing to have the two of them know each other and feel comfortable. It’s a little sparky in all the right ways that makes you feel like, Oh, someone’s opening someone’s world.”So, Alice opens up Mabel to – uh – the art world. Got it.
No matter where their storyline goes, I’m pleased to add “Only Murders in the Building” to the should-be-longer list of shows that make followed my sage advice to, “MAKE IT GAY.” I will expect a small commission.
p.s. So the Season 2 teaster trailer does not give us much Mabel/Alive gay goodness. But it does give us Shirley MacLaine (and Amy Schumer), so it is kinda forgiven. For now.
SHE HULK, SMASH! SMAAAAAAAAASHHHH! Sorry, got a little carried away there. I don’t normally squeal and all-caps about non-queer content. But, come on, it’s She Hulk. It’s Tatiana Maslany. And, if the first trailer is any indication, it’s gonna be fun and funny and knows that normal superhero stuff is just for billionaires and narcissists and adult orphans. No, She Hulk is for the people. I mean, still a lawyer, but a lawyer for the people or something. Whatever, it’s exciting. I like any show where a woman gets to kick ass, smash things and carry a full-grown man. Now if they could just make it a little gay, honestly, it’d be perfect. And who doesn’t love the color green?
p.s. Yes, I know the CGI is a little sus. But I have confidence Tatiana can act her way out of anything.
Remember a year ago when we learned a queer female vampire/vampire hunter love story was coming to Netflix and we were all like, “Can’t wait to sink my teeth into that!” Well, get those chompers ready. Just in time for Pride, Netflix is dropping its new lesbian Romeo/Juliette vampire/vampire hunter series “First Kill” next month.
It stars Imani Lewis as Calliope “Cal” Burns, who comes from a long line of vampire hunters, and Sarah Catherine Hook as Juliette Fairmont, who comes from a long line of vampires. You can see where this relationship might have some issues to work through with that premise, but who am I to judge another’s relationship.
I’m not familiar with either actress, though they have a few handful of credits their names. Mostly I wanna know if they’ll have good chemistry and the trailer is not a great indicator because it’s too busy making sure we realize this is “Romeo & Juliet” but MAKE IT GAY WITH FANGS.
Obviously, I am going to watch this. The tone from the trailer and poster feels more campy/sexy “True Blood” than quippy/zeitgeisty “Buffy” on the “What Kind of Vampire Show is This”-scale. Though I am 100% not mad about the inclusion of Elizabeth Mitchell, who fellow Olds will remember as Dr. Kerry Weaver’s O.G. lesbian love interest on “E.R.,” Dr. Kim Legaspi. If you’re sitting down I can also tell you that that Kerry and Kim storyline is…wait for it…TWENTY-TWO YEARS OLD.
Right, so like I said, I will watch this. But possibly with a walker nearby.
I’ve been a big MUNA fan since finding them last year and their delightful “But I’m a Cheerleader”-homage music video. And then I became an even bigger fan after seeing them live because they were very good and very gay. So the video for their latest music video for “Kind of Girl” has the three-person queer band dressing in cowboy drag, ready to steal your girl and generally being the MAGA crowd’s worst nightmare. So, obviously, I love it. Happy Monday, kittens.
At first glance ex-Disney star Dove Cameron’s new single “Boyfriend” seems like yet another queer-baity lesbo-curious songs in the vein of t.A.T.u.’s “All the Things She Said” and Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” But, then Dove, the former star of Disney Channel hits like the TV series “Liv and Maddie” and film series “Descendants,” came out as queer last year. And this year she started teasing her new song “Boyfriend” on TikTok and then us Le-Dollar-Beans took care of the rest. I have to say, I definitely appreciate that today’s queer anthems are coming from out queer artists. It’s always nicer when the person singing about kissing girls has perhaps actually done it a few times. Happy Monday, kittens.
Sandra Oh and Michelle Yeoh dancing to Whitney Houston has healed me pic.twitter.com/fr9kS9frTq
— Liv Marks (@OliviaLilyMarks) April 30, 2022
As we continue to rage, rage against the dying of our rights please remember to take breaks, hydrate and — when the mood strikes — dance. Dance like Sandra Oh and Michelle Yeoh at a San Francisco International Film Festival special tribute last weekend. The two actresses ended up dancing it out on stage and honestly thank goodness. The world’s been a lot. America’s Christofascist Republican Party stripping abortion rights and setting their sights on every other hard-earned right. The continued pandemic (America hit 1 million deaths total from COVID week, so, there’s that). Anti-Asian hate because of the pandemic (and, you know, just racists in general). So here’s some joy from Sandra and Michelle instead just in time for Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Also, you gotta love how lightning fast Sandra shut down any nonsense about Eve being a straight woman. No. Nope. No, she’s not. Have you watched the show? Dance like no Buty Your Gays-loving showrunners are watching. Happy weekend, all.
Here’s a delightful ray of sunshine just exactly when we need it the most. As Republicans are salivating at the prospect of stripping even more of our rights (the drumbeat coming after my and all our queer marriages is becoming deafening, folks), at least we can enjoy a cute little gay movie about teenagers with crushes on each other. At least there’s still that.
Hulu’s new queer teen rom-com “Crush” is a wonderful little glitter bomb of joy that hits right at the right time. Set in a high school world with basically no hang-ups about LGBTQ+ people and a seemingly ample (well, compared to my high school) dating pool of young gay women, the film poses the eternal question: What if you fall for the hot queer non-identical twin sisters at your school and can’t figure out which one you like best? I know, totally relatable conundrum (in my wildest teenage dreams…)
Yet, even if the premise seems a tad far-fetched (though, what rom-com meet-cute isn’t far-fetched?), the result is pretty much everything you’d want from a teen movie. An extremely likable cast (like, does everyone under 21 have an age-appropriate crush on out bi actress AuliÊ»i Cravalho?), smart dialogue, preternaturally witty and wise youths, a “cool” mom (hey, Megan Mullally, hey), funny adults (the perennial scene stealer Michelle Buteau) and a snappy yet truly sweet story.
Indeed, “Crush” feels like almost any other straight teen movie, but better because it has more to say than just your standard, “Hey, did you know teenagers get horny and say funny things!” First-time screenwriters and Buzzfeed alums Kirsten King and Casey Rackham (and the movie’s most excellent producers Maya Rudolph and Natasha Lyonne) have deftly taken what could be a standard teen movie and centered young queer women and the importance of their inner lives. Also, it’s funny. And it’s just the right amount of raunchy. And, of course, there are grand romantic gestures. And smoochies.
“Crush” straddles the line between mass mainstream entertainment and something extraordinarily rare with ease and style. I’m so happy it exists and young queer women finding themselves have a movie of their own. I’ve watched it three times already, and I’m clearly way too old to be its target audience. So, enjoy something good today and take yourself to the couch to watch this movie. Heck, even witchy lesbians get their due. Really, this movie has everything. And, I’m sure for some lonely queer kid out there, it is everything. Happy watching, kittens.
So, a right I’ve had since birth in America is about to be taken away. Cool, cool. Excuse me while I go scream into the void of existence until all sound is swallowed by space and time and we return to the primordial sludge from whence we came.
Safe and legal abortion access has been the law of the land since 1973. That’s 49 years of women, and all people who can become pregnant, deciding for themselves when to start a family. That’s 49 years of women, and all people who can become pregnant, deciding for themselves if they want to become a parent. That’s 49 years of women, and all people who can become pregnant, having a choice.
But now, as it stands, there is not even an exceptions for rape. No exceptions for incest. No exception if the life of the birthing parent is in danger. And already, 13 states have passed so-called trigger laws that would ban abortion immediately if/when Roe is overturned. And, once officially overturned, an estimated 23 to 26 states would go on to ban abortion altogether.
This means in a good half of the country women, and all people who can become pregnant, would lose their full bodily autonomy. And, of course like everything in this chronically unjust world, people of color and poor people would disproportionately bear the brunt of this ban.
Wealthy women, particularly wealthy white women, have the means to travel to other states and other countries even for the procedure. Because, as we all should realize, banning safe and legal abortion in America won’t end abortion in America. Not in the least. It just means a lot of women, and people who can get pregnant, will suffer trying to get abortions in other ways or suffer the consequences of not being able to get one.
Because let’s not be mealy mouthed about what’s happening here. Abortion has been the so-called third rail of politics despite not being very controversial at all. Recent polls show about 70% of Americans oppose the Supreme Court overturning Roe and another 75% believe abortion decisions should be left between the birthing parents and their doctor.
Banning abortion is not popular. But American’s Puritan past is always sitting on its shoulder, so we have things like President Biden not use the word “abortion” during his presidency until this very week. Well, fuck all of that. Abortion is healthcare for women and all people who can become pregnant. We are entitled to control our own bodies and our own reproductive health. Full stop.
And for the people out there thinking, oh well, I don’t need an abortion, well well well, do I have some news for you. All of our rights to privacy, and many of the hard-fought and hard-earned rights we have gained in modern history through that, are now at stake. If you don’t think they’re coming for same-sex marriage, birth control, you name it, well you just aren’t paying attention. And, also, can I live under that rock with you because I’m tired of this world and its people.
The thing is, the Republicans weren’t ever subtle about wanting to re-ban abortion in America. It’s been their stated goal for fucking decades. DECADES. And now, with the help of the former host of The Apprentice, they’ve been able to install three radical right-wing justices (and a slew of radical right and also just really unqualified to boot federal judges) who will finally achieve their goal of ending choice in America. This from the so-called party of FREEEEEEDOOOOMM.
Funny how one party wants to keep rolling back our rights (voting, reproductive, you name it) and another party tries (too often ineffectively, though, ahem) to expand them. Funny, indeed. But you know, less in a ha-ha way and more an oh-no-we-are-being-controlled-by-a-Christofascist-minority kind of way. So, you know, the not funny way.
Oh, and while we’re talking about not funny things, to all the conservatives hand-wringing about “The Leak” and destruction of norms and blah-fuckity-blah. How are you still playing the victim when you’ve literally won? Your dudes held up an open Supreme Court seat and did not allow President Obama to fill it saying it was “too close to the election” despite having almost a full year left on his term (even though the Constitution directly grants presidents the right to appoint justices, if we’re being originalists and all). And yet were somehow able to install Amy Coney Barrett 35 days before the last presidential election when voting had already started in many states. That’s just another one of those fun not-funny things we were talking about. The world has so many of those today.
Lately it feels like the arc of the moral universe is long, and recently it has only bent toward ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Get mad, stay mad. Fight like hell because they will take it all away if we don’t. They’ve already started. They’re way ahead. Let’s fucking go.
Oh, nothing, just newly minted Oscar winner Ariana DeBose dancing to a contemporary interpretation of the Rodgers & Hammerstein song catalog with “Shall We Dance?” And in in a tank top the whole time, no less.
This glorious eye and ear candy is a nice segue to some more good Ariana news. The first and only out queer person of color to win an Oscar is now set to star in very own bisexual rom-com. Called “Two and Only,” the original screenplay by Latina and LGBTQ+ writer Jen Rivas-DeLoose is being billed as a “bisexual Latina” take on “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” Oh, yeah, definitely I will watch that. I still think (somewhat controversially) fondly on the first bisexual rom-com I remember seeing, “Kissing Jessica Stein.” Heck, we own the movie. Twenty-one years ago and I still quote lines from that film. Also, Jon Hamm is an idiot. But Ariana, yeah. Ariana is hot (and hotly talented), especially in a tank top.
p.s. Add Tony host to her impressive resume. Which I will most definitely watch.
I don’t know a lot, but I know the world could use more Janelle Monae. The out pansexual musical powerhouse has also now come out as non-binary. And, in a world where good news is too often hard to find, that’s some good news. The more high-profile public figures come out across the LGBTQ+ spectrum, the more people express their true gender identities, the better.
We’re living through a sadly precedented attack on queer rights once again. Oh, right, you think we’re sick! Oh, right, you think we’re pedophiles! Oh, right, you think we’re destroying girls’ sports (from people who have never once thought about professional women’s sporting event). Blah-blah-hatefulbigotsity-blah.
This is a well-worn playbook I thought, just maybe, we’d all gotten beyond. But our successes with marriage equality and just generally becoming accepted parts of public life, have really chapped the right wing’s ass. And now they’ve coming for ours.
Sadly, it appears, you can never keep a good/bad election year wedge issue down. So here we are, with trans youth in the crosshairs and entire states banning them out of existence. I mean, fuck, Florida is even trying to police the clothes trans kids wear and the ways they cut their hair. Ah, yes, can you smell the freedom? Supreme Leader DeSantis says NO GAY RIGHTS.
So, as I was saying, the more Janelle Monae, the better. During this unfathomably cruel open season on perhaps one of the most vulnerable of LGBTQ+ communities, may her openness serve as a needed reminder that the bullies aren’t right. You have every right to be yourself. You are loved, you are important. You belong. And you can be fly as hell.
Also, you gotta love that she wrote a whole song about pussy without actually saying pussy. So you know, WAP but for similes. Happy Monday, kittens.