Otterly Tired

Ugh, sorry kittens. Chalk it up to the Dog Days of August, but I’ve been a wee bit uninspired/tired/busy and therefore behind in my postings. Again, this is my personal site that I do in my spare time, without any kind of compensation just because I love it (and love interacting with you). But sometimes, to be honest, there just isn’t a ton to write about. Pretty much all the summer shows have ended. Pretty much all the fall shows have yet to start. The summer movie season is over. The fall movie season has yet to begin. And everyone is too damn hot to do much of anything. Plus, there’s the whole impending doom because of the fascist, incompetent Hatemonger-in-Chief tweeting us into oblivion. So here is a baby otter covering its eyes until things pick up. Back at it tomorrow, kittens.

G'day, Kate

It’s Wednesday and on Wednesdays we allow Kate McKinnon to finally make us crack a smile in this infernal “Lemon, It’s Wednesday” of a year. Last week it was her playing with puppies. This week it is her struggling mightily with her Australia accent in “Rough Night.” Look, all I’m saying is no accent is required for her to play Hillary. If only the electorate has let her keep doing that.

Tank Top Tardy

Whew, it has been a busy work week. Here is a make-ip tank top courtesy our favorite assassin/lover of Root. Enjoy.

In Search of a Good Place

You guys, so much is happening all at once and 99.95 percent of it is just so very terrible. Like, each time I think our capacity to ingest bad news has been stretched to its absolute limit, Trump goes and pardons a convicted racist and bans trans recruits from the military because LOL NOTHING MATTERS. Anyway. If you are seeking a temporary reprieve from all the very bad things, might I suggest “The Good Place.” It just started streaming on Netflix so you can chill and enjoy all you want. Plus, and this is important, we can all pin our hopes on some kind of Eleanor and Tahani hookup in the second season. Look, there has to be something to look forward to in the future. There has to.

My Weekend Crush

Guys, we made it through another week in Trump’s America. That alone is reason to celebrate. (Though, don’t think I’m not 200 percent furious that this five-time draft dodger is going ahead with his cruel and despicable plan to kick out honorable trans military service members who actually volunteered to serve this country. Because I am 300 percent furious about that.) So if you need a momentary reset on your rage, despair, fear, disgust and anxiety button, please enjoy Melissa McCarthy lip synching her heron and otter out. (Fast forward to 5:30 if you simply cannot wait and need a jolt of happy immediately.) Happy colors of the wind weekend, all.

p.s. And, yes, fast forwarding also avoid the hair tossler. So I highly recommend it.

Lesbian Horror Story

Sometimes life imitates fiction. Sometimes fiction imitates life. Sometimes Ryan Murphy sneaks into your living room and films your whole damn life. Hello, “American Horror Story: Cult.”

This season’s plot says, and I kid you not:

“Sarah Paulson plays Ally, one-half of a couple (her partner is Ivy, played Alison Pill) living in Michigan who flips out when Donald Trump wins the election.”

Same, said every lesbian everywhere.

Look, I love watching real-life lesbian Sarah Paulson play a television lesbian. And with Alison Pill, to boot. But this seems a little “too soon” for my poor heart. I don’t need to watch some poor lesbian freaking out about Trump being elected. I AM A LESBIAN WHO CONTINUES TO FREAK OUT ABOUT TRUMP BEING ELECTED. Every. Damn. Day.

So, thoughts? Also, get that damn camera out of my house, Ryan Murphy.

Puppies, puppies it must be puppies

Man, can you believe it was just one week ago the current President of the United States was defending Nazis? And two weeks ago when he was threatening to turn us all into cinder and ash? Oh, oh, and would you realize it was only the start of this week he committed us to endless war? Yeah. Trump has managed to “Lemon, it’s Wednesday” this entire year. I have no idea how we will ever get through three and a half more years of this. So here is Kate McKinnon playing with some puppies. I know it won’t fix everything, but it sure doesn’t hurt either. Happy Wednesday that now always feels like it should be Friday, kittens and puppies.

p.s. Yep, you needed this.

Tank Top Tuesday

And you thought I’d forgotten about tank tops. Never! No matter how much the darkness blots out the sun (nice eclipse you got there, shame if our idiot president were to stare directly into it…oh wait, he did?), I will never abandon the sight of beautiful women expressing their right to bare arms. So all of those without retinal damage because we believe in scientists and doctors when they tell us things, please enjoy.

Gal Gadot

I’m waiting to learn how to do the “Wonder Woman” workout. OK, fine, I’m waiting to learn how to do the first step of the “Wonder Woman” workout: Be born on an island of Amazon warriors completely devoid of men.

Danielle Brooks

Agree. And the best part of this season’s OITNB.

Katie McGrath

Ship who you want, when you want, whenever you want, SuperCorp friends.

Gillian Anderson

Vintage Gillian working on her fitness is *kisses fingertips*

Kelley O’Hara

This reminds me how much I enjoy the Women’s World Cup.

Tatiana Maslany

I miss the sestras so much.

Her Drunk Television

We’re gonna need a bigger kitchen, drunk or otherwise. Professionally Cute Lesbian Who Eats and Cooks For Our Entertainment Hannah Hart of “My Drunk Kitchen” fame has gone and got herself a TeeVee show. The YouTube star has made the leap from computer screen to television screen with her new Food Network series “I Hart Food.” It’s essentially a traveling and eating show, where she goes out and tries yummy things so, you know, right in my wheelhouse. The show debuted last week (you can watch the entire premiere episode here on YouTube, if you want to feel nostalgic for a little Harto in her natural state). And, you’ve got to admit, she had much (much, much, much, much) better hair than Guy Fieri. New episodes air Mondays, so alternative lifestyle haircut lovers and food lovers, get your TV grub on.

My Weekend Crush

I officially want “Sheet-caking is a grassroots movement!” on a t-shirt now. Look, this needs no set up or explanation. My Fake TV Wife is back and eating all of our feelings for us. This is truly one of the best and most honest laughs I’ve had since Nov. 8, 2016. Happy weekend and sheet caking, all.

So Long Sestras

Aw man, I miss them (and by them I mean mostly Tatiana Maslany times 274) already. If you haven’t watched the finale of “Orphan Black,” cease and desist with the reading. And if you haven’t watched the series, come on now. The finale was interesting because in many ways it was so unexpected. I was bracing for the twists. I was ready for the turns. But instead of throwing one last big scary surprise at us, it went straightforward. It actually let them beat the big bad baldie (yeah, that was one hell of a wig) at the half way mark.

And then, and then they were allowed to just be. Just when we think we have “Orphan Black” figured as a fast-paced crazy science thriller, it slows down. It got quiet and reflected on what all that crazy science actually means. Questions about biology, destiny and self abounded. But what mattered most was these sestras, the connection this unparalleled sisterhood. And while, no, it wasn’t what I expected, it was lovely. And Clone Club lived happily ever after (Cophine very much included - yay gays!).

Only One Side

This is terrible to watch. But this is also America today. And this is the same group the current President of the United States insists includes “very fine people.” No. No very fine people. Bigoted people. Hateful people. Evil people. No one should be surprised that Donald Trump is an unabashed racist – we knew that before. Fuck, some of us (cough, Hillary, cough) even tried to warn us. But we should be stunned at the moral precipice we find our country. From the first black president to this monstrous excuse for a man. There are no “many sides” when it comes to white supremacists who murder people. There is no moral equivalence between Nazis and people who protest Nazis. There is no blame to be cast on Heather Heyer or any of the others who stood up against wannabe fascists and KKK members shouting “Jews will not replace us!” and “Fuck you faggots!” And anyone who does not call it out now, anyone who looks at a crowd of torch-bearing racists and see “very fine people,” is a stain on humanity, let alone the presidency. So, yeah, watch this. Bear terrible witness to what is happening in our country and acknowledge our deeply ingrained institutional racism. And then promise to vote against Trump and all his enablers forever.

The Carol Effect

They say three makes a trend. And here we have three lesbian romances coming to our big screens. I call it the Carol Effect, this new slew of movies about ladies who love ladies is – of course – very welcome. The films are in various stages of production from the just announced to the already finished. I have no idea which will be good or even great or remotely worth passing the torch from “Carol.” But I am happy to handicap the field here, based on gloved lunch possibilities.

“Tell It to the Bees”

Just announced this week, the period drama is based on the book by the same name by Fiona Shaw. Set in 1950s small-town Britain it stars Anna Paquin as a young doctor who returns home to take over her late father’s practice who starts a relationship with a young mother, played by Holliday Grainger. A 50s lesbian romance? We are talking major glove lunch opportunities.

“Disobedience”

Completed and set to premiere at the Toronto International Film Festival in September, this film is based on a novel by the same name by Naomi Alderman and is set in present-day London. It stars Rachel Weisz as a rabbi’s daughter who returns home after her father’s death (hold up, I sense a theme) and then rekindles a relationship with her friend, played by Rachel McAdams. From set photos, they may be wearing gloves, but somehow I don’t think they’ll be ordering poached eggs over creamed spinach for lunch anytime soon.

“Vita & Virginia”

Apparently still in pre-production, this film is based on the lives and love of literary greats Virginia Woolf and author Vita Sackville-West. The writers first met each other in 1922 and they had a decade-long affair. Eva Green ETA: Elizabeth Debicki will play Woolf and Gemma Arterton will play Sackville-West. A love story set in the roaring 20s? Gloves lunches and flapper skirts galore!

So, which lesbian (or bisexual – I don’t know how everyone personally identifies) romance are you most excited about? And, yes, I realize these are all very white couplings. Bring a little color into your romances, Hollywood. Alas, baby steps. Still, be sure to remember to lay a fresh glove on your “Carol” alter at home in thanks of this cinematic bounty.

Always Be Punching Nazis

I dunno, guys. Maybe we need to start making Nazis the villains in movies again so certain people realize there aren’t “many sides” to Nazis.

So here we are. A nation with Nazis threatening people in the streets. A nation teetering on the brink of nuclear war with North Korea . A nation with the host of the Celebrity Apprentice in the Oval Office – that is when he isn’t playing golf at one of his many resorts. A nation that elected a man who patently refuses to denounce white supremacists as president. Yeah, this dystopia sucks. Can we have the one with the bows and the arrows? At least we had a fighting chance there.

My Weekend Crush

I can’t believe the trip is almost over. Five years, countless Tatianas and at least two smitten puppies later and “Orphan Black” is about to end. It has been a wild and wonderful trip. Still today I will find myself watching an episode and think, “Oh, not too much Alison in this one – too bad for that actress” or “Man, Cosima is really the hottest of the clones.” But, oh yeah, they’re all Tatiana Maslany. Every. Single. One. One of the best things about this show is how it has allowed a galaxy of women to command the screen – granted like 20 of them were played by Tatiana. But it’s women who drive this narrative and we care about the most (plus Felix, we love Felix). The other best thing about this series is, of course, Cophine. Whether by design or by fan pressure, “Orphan Black” became one of the very few shows on television to unbury its gays. Now, I don’t know who will make it to the very end Saturday, but I do know we’ve been given a rich, complicated, sexy relationship for five seasons between Cosima Niehaus and Delphine Cormier. May they make beautiful science together forever. Happy watching and weekend, all.

Come on Ladies Now Let's Get in Election

I know, I know. We just got done with the infernal 2016 election. But 2018 is just around the corner and our so-called president has never stopped holding campaign rallies. So, you know, why not start this coming election season off here with someone awesome instead. You may have seen Ret. Lt. Col. Amy McGrath’s campaign announcement already. Even so, it’s worth another look. Because, dang, is this lady impressive. She is the first female Marine to fly a combat mission in an F/A-18 fighter jet. And, yes, I know – we all got that ping while watching the commercial. But I guess the bomber jacket and short hair throws off our collective gaydar because that is definitely her husband and kids at the end (though, you know, there’s also a “B” in LGBT out there – just sayin’).

The one thing I can begrudgingly credit Trump with (though, of course, he had nothing to do with it happening except being a horrible garbage person), is that it has encouraged thousands upon thousands upon thousands of women to run for office. According to Emily’s List, 11,000 women have signed on since his inauguration. Though, I think a good chunk of that credit, possibly even more, should also go to Hillary. I mean, she did win by 3 millions votes, so there’s that.

Recently I also found out that one of my good childhood friends is running for congress in my home state. She was always so intelligent and so together, she is exactly the kind of person we want in government. I often marvel at the seemingly endless supply of mediocre and plain-old stupid straight white men who end up in office. People who don’t understand basic science or simple economics or have ever read the Constitution (cough, Trump, cough). Like, come on America. We can do so much better. So please, run for office, smart people. A grateful nation can’t wait to vote for you. Well, at least the Democrats can’t wait. The Republicans can’t wait to vote for more body slammers and pussy grabbers. Well, they can keep ’em. We’ve got a fighter pilot.

Kid's Stuff

Admittedly, I don’t watch a lot of kiddie TV. Which, you know, makes sense what with me being a childless lesbian and all. The only time I catch any are when I’m with my niece and nephews and brandishing my cool lesbian aunt cred. And from them I know about two characters in particular: Thomas the Tank Engine and Doc McStuffins. I know them because they’re on endlessly and I can’t tell you how much merchandise for both I’ve bought as presents over the course of their young lives.

Anyway, now that you’re thoroughly up-to-date on my knowledge of children’s programming, I’d like to commend one of those shows: “Doc McStuffins.” Over the weekend the Disney Junior series aimed at preschoolers broke ground by portraying a family with two moms. The women were voiced by out actors Wanda Sykes and Portia de Rossi. This is great on a number of levels but mostly on the level that children’s shows – despite their fantastical worlds of talking trains and toy doctor children – should still reflect the basic realities of the world we all live in. And families with two moms and two dads are a definite part of the world we live in.

It should also be noted that “Doc McStuffins” creator Chris Nee is an out lesbian and her wife are parents. She tweeted about her historic episode Sunday:

I'm so proud of today's episode of Doc McStuffins with @iamwandasykes and @portiaderossi - Love is Love in McStuffinsville! #DocMcstuffins pic.twitter.com/lXL7fixuMf

— Chris Nee (@chrisdocnee) August 5, 2017

I guess us adults have a lot left to learn from kids’ stuff, after all. Though, can someone explain why Doc’s head is like 10-times bigger than the adults here? The sentient, talking toys I totally get, but disproportionate head sizes and I’m like, “Whooa, realism, please.”

My dracarys, myself

OK, fine, so the dracarys scene was pretty fucking amazing, too. Yes, I have to close my eyes at all the horsie deaths (like, 5,000 soldiers can be slaughters in gruesome blood-splattering ways, but cut one horse and I’m all, “Noooooooooo!). But I am absolutely going to incorporate Daenerys’ full-throated “Dracarys!” into my everyday vernacular. Like the next time some dude annoys me I’m going to just stare at them and say “Dracarys” at him under my breath. Or, you know, in a blood-curdling yell – depending on how much he pissed me off. I think all women should.



As I was saying...

And, fight!

The magnificence of Brienne of Tarth and Arya Stark sparring cannot be oversold. Like, I won’t even try. I’ll just say watch. Is it weird to ship it? Maybe I just mutually respect and admire it – like a lot.

My Weekend Crush

If you have ever felt the heart beat right out of your chest when you saw that special someone, this is for you. Happy weekend, lovebirds.

Bitching

If we’d just listened when Tina Fey told us that “Bitches Get Stuff Done,” none of this would be happening right now. None of this picking fights with the Statue of Liberty or wholesale degradation of our democracy. Alas, eight years later and we’re still all, “Ew, a woman president?” *endless sigh that bounces back through the infinite void*

Killer Pride

Kittens, whew. I haven’t even had a chance to watch Charlize Theron double-punch dudes in the face yet and already there’s another must-see female assassin movie on my list. Taraji P. Henson shooting to kill and doing fierce-ass push-ups? Yes please, ma’am. Look if we could just get all the bad-ass female assassins and kick-ass female superheroes together in one movie, think of the glory.

Miss Them Bad (Badly)

I can’t help it, I miss Jane and Maura. I miss them so much. “Rizzoli & Isles” was such a silly show with such spectacular chemistry and such stupendously likeable stars. I could watch all the Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, Eye Sex, Ponytails of Righteous Justices and the rest forever. I really, really could.

p.s. Oh well, at least we’ll always have The Lesbian Subtext Recaps.