Pre-L: Last Dance (209)

Well, well, well. The more things change, the more we have another happening at the CAC. Yes, we get a callback to turmoil at Bette’s beloved California Art Center. (Remember Season 1, Episode 13 “Locked Up?” That prison wall sure does.) But instead of a bunch of anti-gay protestors it’s a bunch of artists. And this time no one gets arrested and then had adulterous prison wall sex. I consider that growth.

1) I think Team Artist had a bigger turnout than Team Homophobe. As it should be.

2) I get the birth father storyline, I do. But part of it also feels like a mea culpa for the show’s many, many past continuity sins. But, hey, at least it brings Tibette together.

3) Is she serving Dani’s berries? Because that’s some real “Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry”-shit right there.

4) No matter what I think of this storyline, it’s amazing that kids get to go with their same-sex partners to prom now. Plus, tux game strong, Angie. Respect.

5) Great, does this mean we’re all required to drink Heineken now? How did I miss that lesbian memo?

6) Remember when they had parties with gay pot brownies instead of polite bougie crudité?

7) Look, coming out as a straight couple can be hard. It’s OK. We accept you. (Yes, of course, I know he’s still queer.)

8) Like are the Shipping Wars still a thing? Because this moment was made for them.

9) Gay Aunts are the best, and I speak from experience as a very gay aunt.

10) That moment you realize you’re dating a Bette Porter Jr.

11) Like, never go on “The Price Is Right,” girl. You seem to pick the worst doors possible.

12) This show’s track record with hospitals scenes is, uh, not the greatest.

Carol's Alley

Remember when – back before we were all trapped in this endless pandemic – we were all like, OMG, “Nightmare Alley” looks like the “Carol” sequel we all need and deserve? Well, we still deserve (and especially need, after the last 18 months we’ve had) to see “Carol 2: Lezectric Boogaloo,” the new trailer makes it clear(-ish) we won’t be witnessing the perpetual sunrise of Carol and Therese. Instead director Guillermo del Toro is giving us late 40s carny creepiness with a side of psychological horror. Cate plays Dr. Lilith Ritter, a psychiatrist who is teams up with Bradley Cooper’s carny to manipulate people and cause general mayhem. It’s undeniably delicious when Cate plays evil (hello, Hela), so I’ll definitely check this one out. Also it has Toni Collette, who is great in everthing. (Though, uh, this cast is about as white as “Carol,” which insert grimacing emoji here.) Still, we see you Rooney Mara and your Therese-esque beret. And we see you Cate with your Carol Aird lipstick and bob. We’re sure this isn’t a “Carol” sequel, right? I mean, a gay gal can dream.I mean, a gay gal can dream.

More Sex, and Gillian

Well, blimey. I haven’t even started season 3 of “Sex Education” and Netflix already renewed it for a season 4. So, you know, that’s good news. I’ve heard good things about the third season, like it’s a return to form (and sex talk stuff). So I’m excited to start even if I’m woefully behind. But – for those who have watched already – I certainly hope the very brief glimpses of Gillian Anderson we see in the trailer as our favorite sex-positive therapist Dr. Jean Milburn aren’t indicative of how much screen time she’s getting this season. Like I love the addition of Jemima Kirke (though the anti-sex, strict headmistress thing is a little hm), but I LOVE Gillian. She also wasn’t in the teaser, so you know – a gay gal worries.

Music Monday: MUNA Edition

Full confession, as much as the VMAs keep making me feel like An Old, indie music also keeps showing my age. Before their release of “Silk Chiffon” earlier this month, I’d never heard of MUNA. Like, sure, I knew some of the other big millennia/Gen Z queer names — your Phoebe Bridgers, your girl in red. But MUNA? That’s a full “sorry to this man”-for me.

But, now that I’ve watched their wonderful video for “Silk Chiffon” (featuring the above-mentioned Phoebe not to be confused with Waller-Bridge), I feel confident in saying I’ll never forget them.To put it simply, it’s a queer girl love song. And the video is a hommage to none other than “But I’m a Cheerleader,” one of the seminal 90s indie lesbian classics.

Now, we all know “But I’m a Cheerleader.” Natasha Lyonne! Clea DuVall! Melanie Lynskey! Cathy Moriarty! Ru-FREAKING-Paul! The film holds up as a cult classic, not to mention continuing tale about acceptance and the futility of trying to pray or simulate the gay away.

You may not know MUNA, but you will now. The trio is made up of musicians Katie Gavin, Josette Maskin and Naomi McPherson who met while in college at the University of Southern California about eight years ago. Four years ago they released their first full-length album, “About U,” on major label RCA followed by another album, “Saves the World,” two years later.

But this spring they signed with Bridgers label Saddest Factory, and now they’ve released the glorious single “Silk Chiffon,” and its accompanying video. Have I watched it a ton once discovering it? You betcha. Do I wish openly lesbian/queer songs like this existed when I was A Young? You betcha as well.

All three bandmates identify as queer — which, duh — and Naomi identifies as non-binary as well. They’ve toured with Bridgers and next year they’ll go on the road with Kacey Musgraves and King Princess which, hello, looking at tickets for that IMMEDIATELY.

So, sit back and enjoy. If you’ve already heard of MUNA and love them and yadda yadda, enjoy feeling righteously smug. And if you haven’t, well let the experience of another quality queer group wash over you like the soft, pleated fabric of a cheerleader’s skirt. I’m a homosexual, you betcha. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

She may be the Mistress of the Dark, but Elvira is now also officially a member of Team Rainbow. If you spent time in front of your television late-night during the 80s or 90s you no doubt encountered Elvira with her jet-black beehive and her snowy ample bosom. Like, I’m not a horror fanatic or anything, but something (ahem) was always so appealing about Elvira.

Now, after decades of camping it up the performer has come out in her new memoir, “Yours Cruelly, Elvira.” Elvira, whose real name is Cassandra Peterson, has opened up about her 19-year ongoing relationship with a woman. The woman in question, Teresa “T” Wierson, was a personal trainer when the two met. And, well, the rest is history.

Now, in this world of instant Pavlovian comings out to that Doja Cat chime, one might think — 19 years, what took you so long? But, wee TikTok lesbians, the world was very, very different in the early 80s. And it was still very, very different in the early 2000s around the time Cassandra and Teresa met. Keep in mind, Ellen’s “Yep, I’m gay” didn’t happen until 1997, and she nearly lost her whole career over it. Marriage equality for LGBTQ+ America is only six years old. Workplace equality for LGBTQ+ Americans is just a year old. The bad old days are so much closer than you think (and, don’t forget, a whole political party is still trying to take away those hard-earned rights).

Considering Cassandra/Elvira’s target audience — horny, sleep-deprived teens and men — you can perhaps understand the reluctance to come out earlier. Also, at 70, she belongs to another era of Hollywood. Consider a contemporary like Holland Taylor — who has also had a rich, decades-long career — and didn’t come out until like 5 or six years ago. And she didn’t have the pressure of maintaining a rabidly heterosexual male fanbase for her livelihood. In the end, we should all come out when we’re ready, not when the world thinks we should be ready.

The important thing is that she did, and you’ve gotta believe she feels lighter getting to now live openly and honestly in public. Because no matter how many friends and family know, letting the whole world know and repeating it with each new person — well, that’s different. Once we come out, we never stop coming out. But instead of being a scary, vulnerable new proposition each time, it becomes affirming.

So welcome, Mistress of the Dark. In lieu of the traditional toaster oven, may we send you a witches caldron instead, Elvira? Happy weekend, all.

p.s. For those dying to see her hot fitness trainer girlfriend, your wish is my command.

Pre-L: Launch Party (208)

As we rapidly approach the end of the second season of “The L Word: Generation Q,” the nesting instinct is strong with these ones. It’s like we stumbled onto Lesbian Couples TikTok or something up in here. If they go hard into cottagecore you will know it’s all over.

1) That moment the beer goggles wear off on your life choices.

2) When a friend suggests you eat at Chick-fil-A.

3) Gini in a Bottle is definitely getting rubbed the right way. Ahem.

4) No TLW season is complete without a gif-able moment of Bette screaming “FUCK!

5) I hope there’s a whole chapter on vagina rejuvenation in there.

6) Right, so get out some Kleenex and your life-size cutout of Dana.

7) Uh, was I cast as a convenient plot point?

8) When you realize you’re experiencing the wrong kind of daddy issues, and correct course.

9) TLW historians, has it ever taken eight episodes for Shane to have a sex scene?

10) Change this show’s name to “The R Word” because of how many relationships they starting.

11) Or ending.

p.s. The whole point of Pre-Ls (which I've been doing since, well, forever with the original series) is they are PRE-views of the episode. They initially started on Fridays with the new season because the episodes broadcast on Sundays. But with streaming they are available at 12:00 a.m. Friday morning. So for these last few I have moved them up a day to bring them back to their true mission. Do they contain some spoilers? You betcha. So, if you don't want to be spoiled, please come back after you have seen the episode. And thanks, as always, for reading.

The Last Picture Show

OK, yes, so it’s one of those kind of weeks. But, good news, they’ve released new promo photos from “The L Word: Generation Q” season finale. And, as you can see, looks like we’re finally gonna get that Bette-Tina-Carrie tête-à-tête-à-tête – since there are three of them after all. Plus, do I sense an intervention? Finley is conspicuously absent from the big group sitting on the couch and looking concerned happening. Anyway, leave your best guesses about what’s going to go down in the comments. Since every telegraphed couple has reached their final destination (i.e. hooking up) the final reveals seem like they’ll be about what stage of the relationship everyone will end up in: married, doing it all over the house, on a break, on a permanent break. Oh, the possibilities when you’re those girls in tight dresses who drag with moustaches.

Those faces say, fuck, how did I end up on an episode of “Intervention?”

Behold the hand of concern on shoulder as evidence of the above.

Plus, this is the only shot of Finley for the episode. It’s either an intervention or she has joined the cast of “Only Murders in the Building” to replace tie-dye hoodie guy.

The only thing I feel confident in guessing is that this won’t be the show’s next thruple.

Nor this one. But couple? DEFINITELY. (I see you hand holding.)

Heart-to-heart in kitchen ware stores are always the deepest.

Are they gonna make Alice do the running-through-the-airport-getting-on-a-plane thing for Tom? Or is this the start of one of those anti-mask viral videos on airplanes?

Again, not another thruple.

This one’s for the Tibetters.

p.s. This is what has contributed to it being one of those kind of weeks. Sigh.

p.p.s. To make up for my lateness this week, Pre-L will be a full day early and post tomorrow morning. Please accept my screencap mea culpa.

Tank Top Tuesday: Old Guard Edition III

So, yeah, it has been a chaotic week so I am late. But I recently found some new promo gifs for “The Old Guard,” particulary Charlize Theron/Andromache with her labrys. And, well, labryses are hot right now. And, more good news, looks like the sequel to the 2020 Netflix action movie is finally happening. So, get ready for a lot more of Charlize/Andy and her labrys with the rest of the super gay ancient immortal warrior squad.

Music Monday: Normani & Teyana Edition

Yes, admittedly, I have to Google most of the people who perform/attend the MTV Video Music Awards these days. As an official Old, I just accept this as the natural order. So, obviously, I had to Google who Normani and Teyana Taylor were (the former is a former Fifth Harmony member, the latter also a singer though I honestly have no idea what she sang). Anyway, during the VMAs this year, Normai performed and then brought Teyana out strapped down to a convenient climbing contraption and stuff happened. (It was apparently a tribute to Janet Jackson, who did the same thing with a male counterpart, but gayer.) I have no idea if either woman is queer (though a preliminary Google search says no for both, particularly the latter who is married to a pro basketball player). But, hey, sometimes even for an Old like me, it’s just nice to look at the pretty pictures. And if they’re pretty pictures that move like that, well, who am I to stand in the way of progress. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. In case you want to watch the whole performance (but, again, the good stuff starts at 3:30)

Pre-L: Light (207)

Well, well, well. Has the hook-up carousel from last week stopped yet? Nope, I can still hear the music. So buckle up and let’s see where the musical chairs stop this week. Hint: If you’re betting on whether folks will snog, I’d take that bet.

1) Ah, the We-Can’t-Keep-Our-Hands-(And-Other-Stuff)-Off-Each-Other Phase.

2) And then there’s the We-Can’t-Keep-Our-Hands-(And-Other-Stuff)-Off-Each-Other Phase Version 2.0

3) I truly appreciate Finley’s commitment to that one sports bra every lesbian owns.

4) Is that hot sauce a metaphor? I think that hot sauce is a metaphor.

5) When the O.G. soft/andro butch of the show has some thoughts on your suit.

6) The meta lesbian talk show host jokes, I don’t hate ‘em.

7) I did not go to prom, nor do I fully understand promposals, but – fine – that was sweet.

8) Look, I’d hate it too if Bette Porter was my fiancée’s ex.

9) Exes and currents making awkward all over the place, what is this a lesbian bar?

10) Is there a shipper name yet? Pette? Bippa? Ugh, I’m out of practice.

11) On that same note, how about Gini in Bottle? What, I said I was out of practice.

12) Beam me up, lesbians.

13) While we’re talking about lesbian bras, I have never owned one this fancy. Ever.

14) Well, I mean, if everyone’s doing it.

15) When it’s definitely not bisexual lighting - again.