Post-L: Season Four in the Rearview Mirror

The L Word season may be over, but the hand wringing has just begun. Will Bette and Tina ever unmix their messages? Will Shane and Paige move to the ’burbs? Will Alice keep the home fires burning for Tasha? Will Helena go directly to jail, do not cross go, do not collect $200. Will Jenny get eaten by sharks? I am particularly pulling for the latter.

Instead of a formal review (we all watched, we all can form our own opinions), I’ll just say that I thought season four was an improvement over last year. As always, the writers have continuity problems both in writing, pace and plot. Also, far be it from Mama Chaiken (TM, Scribe Grrrl) to tread lightly in the Big Metaphor department. War, it’s bad for lesbians and other living things. Tolerance, it’s best addressed through an after school specials. Daddies, they sure have a lot of issues.

We could analyses and psycho analyze until the cows came home (or at least until Bette drove that tractor back from New York to L.A.). Instead, I’ll just break down my hopes and dreams for season five. Mama Chaiken, can you hear me?

Alice/Tasha -- Listen Ilene, whatever you do, DO NOT kill Tasha in Iraq. Let the woman live. Let Alice be happy. Do not make her crumble into another pile in a hospital hallway clutching a damn singing sunflower that keeps belting “You Are My Sunshine.” I mean it. I am not above physical violence.
Bette/Tina/Jodi --Oh what a tangled web we weave. I’m actually looking forward to the love triangle we all know is coming. And, surprisingly, I’m not sure who I am rooting for just yet. I love Bette and all her micromanaging, belittling, putting people in a box ways. I love Bette with Tina (well, the real Tina - not the vein-popping, banshee-wailing bore we’ve seen for 1.5 seasons). And I’m beginning to love Bette with Jodi. Marlee Matlin has signed on to become a season regular next year, so I’m just gonna let this one play out for our anguish and enjoyment.
Helena-- The gambling addict/sex slave/personal maid storyline was a dud. Still if Helena goes to prison you could kill two lesbians birds with one stone, so to speak. Of course, we already had the Great Prison Pantomime Sex of 2004. And jail duds are so unflattering. Just please do not let this devolve into a courtroom drama. This is not “Law & Order: Lesbian Intent” (though, now that I think about it, someone get me a meeting with Dick Wolf).
Jenny -- Ms. Schecter continues to drift in the ocean. She floats further and further away, toward an uncertain horizon. Then, after living on rain water and the fish who committed suicide by jumping into her dingy after being subjected to days upon days of her endless blathering about why her damaged life is her art, Jenny hits a sandy shore. With her last ounce of strength, she pulls herself onto the unknown beach. She blinks into the sun, only to see….Hey, is that Matthew Fox? And Evangeline Lilly? Good luck J.J. Abrams. She is your problem now.
Kit -- Someone, anyone, please give this woman something to do. And please let it not be another retread of her battle with the bottle. Yes, alcoholism is a terrible disease that must be taken one day at a time. But Pam Grier deserves a real plot. She was Foxy Brown, for God’s sake.
Max -- Bring back Grace. She makes Max bearable. Just don’t let them lapse into tech talk. Unless you’re intentionally making their pseudo-computer speak hilarious. In which case, carry on.
Papi -- Find another dimension. That one you’ve been living in is so flat and predictable. I hate da playa and da game.
Phyllis -- Let Joyce and her drive off into the sunset together and only pop back up for campy effect. Cybill is best taken in small doses, just like her beloved Botox.
Shane -- Since Kristanna Loken is on Painkillers now, seems Shane’s white picket fence dreams will be on permanent hold. I wonder how the writers are going to wiggle out of that one. Honestly, I’m relieved. I couldn’t picture Shane looking very minivan today. Though, I have enjoyed the more mature, more soulful Shane. Next season let’s see more soul, less suburbs and a lot more sex. Cause, you know, yum.

And finally, one last plea to Mama C. Please, ma’am, may we have some more group scenes? The core cast’s chemistry is a thing of beauty to behold. So let us behold it more. All these separate tables are fine, but nothing beats a nice, hearty meal around the kitchen table with family. Come on, we’re all family, after all.

My Weekend Crush

I’ve always had a special spot in my heart for top-heavy country queen Dolly Parton. While country music isn’t necessarily my style, Dolly transcends the genre with her candid charm and spunky sass. Her present day larger-than-life persona is remarkable considering her real-life humble beginnings (coat of many colors and all). But rather than be a distant diva, Ms. Parton has always been refreshingly honest about herself, not to mention endearingly self-deprecating about her iconic look. Now, Dolly is back making headlines and setting lesbian hearts a flutter. While on tour in Europe, Dolly told the British tabs that she liked to fantasize while making love to her husband:

“When I have sex with my husband these days, I fantasize I am with someone like Keith Urban or a petite, hot young woman.”

Hot damn. Though, truth be told, I’m not sure I could handle that much woman. It’s kind of, uh, intimidating. Dolly went on to say that her first crush was on a Tennessee hooker.

“I thought she was beautiful. She had more hair, more color, more everything.”

Dolly, I think you’re beautiful. And you definitely have more hair, more color, more everything than anyone. Happy weekend, all.

Posh & Becky

The lesbian haircut is spreading. Though David Beckham is awfully pretty; I say we let him play for our team just this once.

See Jane have a lesbian fling

Jane Pratt, the former editor of Jane and Sassy (God, who else misses Sassy?) magazines, has revealed the name of a long-ago Sapphic tryst. Wait for it, wait for it. Wait, damn… I gave it away with the picture, didn’t I? OK, fine, it was Drew Barrymore. Jane (who - willingly or unwillingly - left her self-titled mag in 2005) is unsurprisingly in the midst of a public come back with the launch of her own show on Sirius Satellite Radio.

Jane told the NY Post that she dreams of going on fellow Sirius star Howard Stern’s show and coming clean about the same-sex sex she confessed to having years ago. At the time, Stern asked her if she had ever had sex with a woman and she said “yes,” but then wouldn’t tell him if it was someone famous. Now, she is more than ready to talk.

“It was someone famous. I did have sex with Drew Barrymore.”

Well, OK. Uh, thanks for sharing. Jane currently lives with longtime boyfriend and their 4-year-old daughter and Drew appears to be dating director Spike Jonze. But you know me, I’m an optimist, I just know those two crazy kids can work it out.

A kiss is just a kiss

The much tittered about Courteney Cox/Jennifer Aniston kiss on the “Dirt” season finale has come and gone, yet somehow the world keeps on spinning. If you missed it, you didn’t miss much. They talked like old Friends (with benefits, no less) and then left each other with a quick on-the-lips peck. Of course, the kiss had to be played out for the male gaze. A colleague catches the smooch and draws his own Dirt-y conclusions. Yawn. Though, I give Jen credit for the little butt rub there near the end. Nice.

Fashion eats its own

Donatella Versace confirmed yesterday that her 20-year-old daughter Allegra is seeking treatment for anorexia. Now, I want to be clear here, I’m not calling Donatella a bad mother. I have no idea what kind of mother she is, period. And I’m in no way making light of the very serious disease of anorexia. But, really, could this be any more ironic? A fashion designer who pushes a beauty myth on women that says you can never be too rich or too thin is now facing the consequences of that deadly message in her own home. Will this make the arbiters of our aesthetic take a long, hard look in the mirror? Will they finally see what the rest of us can already see so clearly? That you can, indeed, be to too rich and too thin. And that they might even kill you.

On an unrelated note, doesn’t the face Donatella is making look like a parody of Maya Rudolph doing a parody of her on SNL. Life imitating art imitating life. Serpent. Tail. This shit never ends.

Murder victim chic

Art is beauty. Beauty is art. Dead girls are neither.

Apples falling very near the tree

Heavens, Jodie Foster’s 8-year-old son Charles is the spitting image of his mother at that age. I mean, this makes sense, genetics being what they are. But, still, the resemblance is almost shocking. Her 5-year-old son Kit is no slouch in the look-alike department either. The doppelganger clan attended the premiere of the animated film “Meet the Robinsons” Sunday (photos via JustJared). Also there was Jodie’s good friend - who happens to wear a matching band on her ring finger - Cydney Bernard. Now, I’m glad they attend events as a family, but do they have to avoid being photographed together? Jodie and Co. clearly are a happy, healthy, highly-functioning gay family. Why not just at least pose together to show the world what one looks like?

We have a winner!

Anonymous No. 2 wins the scavenger hunt and takes home a shiny new, uh, sense of pride? (Wow, that’s a spectacularly sucky prize. Seriously, Anonymous No. 2 - if you’re interested - email me and I’ll send you a full-size screencap of your choice from this season. It’s the least I can do, since you played along so nicely.) As a bonus, here is the wonderful Three Amigos/Master Thieves scene, my favorite from the finale (well, as long as YouTube doesn’t yank it.) Almost every line is a keeper and the delivery is spot on. “Juicy tenderloin.” “Let’s go fatty.” “Are you high?” And then Alice’s “Oh god! I’m stuck! Go without me! Leave me behind! Save yourselves!” Priceless doesn't even cut it. Oh Alice , I think I’ll miss you most of all.

An L Word Finale Picture Moment

Whew, well, was it good for you? In lieu of a formal wrap-up (expect that later this week), I give you a few shots from the finale with my own take on what each actress is really thinking.

I prayed all off-season to my Ilene Chaiken idol that I wouldn’t be a crazy babynapper again and it worked. Hallelujah.

God, I hope they don’t make me the babynapper next season.

Wow, Jennifer was right, that idol works. Once I started the sacrificial offerings, no toenail-clipping Henry, no vein-popping hysterics. But, damn, it’s hard to find all that virgin’s blood.

Blah, blah, blah, bikes, blah, blah, blah, family rooms. Good luck on the Sci-Fi Channel, lady.

So help me God, if they kill off another one of my girlfriends…

Looking good really is the best revenge.

I don’t mind the eyeliner, but the cap - really - is that necessary?

Cybill: Do you know how hard it is to raise my eyebrows through all this Botox? Seriously, I’ve never worked harder in my life.

Jennifer & Marlee: Hey, her lips are soft. So soft. So, very soft…

Pre-L: Long Time Coming

L412: “Long Time Coming”

Well, this is it. The finale. Mmmm, child, you know this is gonna be crazy. Sure you kinda, sorta already know exactly how crazy (yes, I realize that’s sorta, kinda my fault). Still, some things just have to be seen to be believed. To keep things interesting, and in honor of the final Pre-L of the year, I’ve made a little scavenger hunt for the finale. Can you find: Eva Torres, Helena’s “Puppy,” and the afterlife’s drink of choice? Find all three, win - well, does pride count as a prize? Enjoy the show and come back this week for my Season 4 wrap-up. The season is over, but the drama never ends.

1) Ilene Chaiken: Not so much with the subtle.2) Jenny needs Scriptwriting for Dummies, but wants a dog. Oy.3) It’s Tasha’s party and Alice will be a crybaby if she wants to.4) Tina, basically, nails Bette. No, no -- not that way. This way.5) Jared, not so hot on mom being a lez. Shane, just hot.6) Kate tells Tina her body is a seller’s market. So, uh, buy now.7) Phyllis, meet The Reamer. Bet that’ll come in handy later.8) How do you accessorize crazy? With a tiny dog, of course.9) Max has second thoughts. Up close, we can almost see them.10) Meet Alice, Bette and Shane: Master Thieves.11) Papi gets the “working on myself” speech. That old chestnut.12) The return of the Vagina Wig.13) Paige and Shane love a little afternoon delight.14) Wait, did I switch over to TV Land by accident?15) Death becomes her. Le sigh.16) Helena shows herself the money.17) Tina and Bette mix their messages. Good luck in season 5.18) Jenny is adrift. Show me your metaphors, I’ll show you mine.19) Bette and Jodi gets their Old McDonald on. Nice wheels.20) Alice better tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree for her.New Guestbian Count: O
The Reamer Explained: “It’s a precision tool, Phyllis. If you’re going to be a lesbian, you’re going to have to get to know your tool kit.” -- Bette to Phyllis
When Pod People Attack: “I don’t think that’s Shane. I think that’s a pod person in Shane’s body pretending to be Shane.” -- Alice
Good Question, Part I: “Have you crushed any souls lately?” -- Stacy to Jenny
Good Question, Part II: “Why would (Tina) try to help me get Jodi back if she wanted to be with me?” -- Bette
Guest Artist Alert: Toshi Reagon

My Weekend Crush

When I look back on my favorite childhood shows, I realize now that my nascent sexuality had me more tuned into the female stars than the male leads. Think Denise Huxtable over Theo, Angela Chase over Jordan Catalano, and last – but by no means least – Winnie Cooper over Kevin Arnold. On “The Wonder Years,” Winnie was possibly the most adorable girl next door in the history of adorable girls next door. And, deep down, I just knew Danica McKellar would grow up to be a smoking hottie. But, no one could have guessed just how hot and how smart. Like crazy-math-genius smart. Like crazy-math-genius, summa-cum laude-degree-from-UCLA , mathematics-theorem-named-after-her smart. (It’s the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem for those who like to do a little math in their spare time.) In 2005, Danica showed us the hot part of her equation with a Stuff photo shoot. I warn you, clicking may cause you to lose any and all mathematic ability. I have no idea what 2+2 equals right now. None. Then, this week those snarktastic Fug Girls reminded me again that had Danica been my next-door neighbor, my childhood would have been so much more, uh, stimulating. Oh, and that Kevin Arnold was an idiot. Happy weekend, all.