My Weekend Crush (It’s You, You’re the Crush)

There’s a lot not to like about this world. War. Poverty. Racism. Sexism. Homophobia. Transphobia. So much inequality. All concepts we tiny humans invented on our very own, and continue to foster despite the best efforts of those fighting for equality.

These days it seems very much like only the billionaires will inherit the earth.

But, despite the sinking feeling that we’re all just faceless serfs making a new breed of oligarchs somehow even richer (like, I have $44 billion lying around to buy a tech platform that’s been annoying me rich), some things still matter. How we treat other people. Who we include. What we do to help one another.

I’ve always tried, in my own very humble and very small way, to create a place for joy and solidarity here. I don’t always get things right, not by a long shot. But I do hope this lil old blog brings people together and makes them at least a tiny bit happier each day. I guess, in the end, my goal has always been for people to feel a little less lonely. Less alone. I know you’ve done that for me.

So if you’re a queer pop culture fanatic (or anything along the alphabet spectrum or even, you know, straight) who also loves a women in a tank top (in a respectful way, ahem), well, you’ve found your people. Also, if you like the occasional foray into progressive, feminist and global politics, well, grab a comfy chair, we have been waiting for you.

I guess I’ve just been thinking about the world a lot recently (Elon isn’t the only one having some kind of public midlife crisis, I guess). And I suppose you could sum up my worldview as trying to do the most good, for the most people, most of the time. Obviously, this isn’t always possible. And, sometimes we do seemingly selfish things because we also need moments that are just for ourselves. That’s just part of being human, too. But to do the most good for the most people most of the time, yeah, that’s the goal.

So, anyway, maybe this is just a incredibly rambly way of saying thank you for all of the blogiversary love last weekend. You have ever so kindly donated enough to buy that new laptop (when it goes on sale, because I am also a prudent steward of your hard-earned cash). I am very excited and also a teeny bit grumpy about having to learn a new machine because, again, I have mentioned I’m old right? Mostly 16 years of doing this makes you think. I hope this little space made a dent in all the noise for some of you. And I thank you for staying with me across all the these various vibe shifts or whatever the youngs are calling it now. At least we’re still crazy (dreamers) after all these years together.

Also, tax the fucking rich.

Happy weekend, all.

Back 5Eva

Hey, here’s something to look forward to in May besides the slow and inevitable march for time ever forward? Screwball girl band satire “Girls5Eva” is coming back, and soon! The Peacock comedy brings back Sara Bareilles, Busy Philipps, Renée Elise Goldsberry and out comic Paula Pell as one-hit-wonder 90s girl group Girls5Eva. Looks like they’ll be recording a new album in the new season. I still think the fifth “Girl,” Ashley (played by Ashley Park) is going to make an appearance in the new season — outside of a hologram that is. Mostly I can’t wait for this fun little romp, which includes Paula’s lesbian character/resident dentist Gloria, to come back May 5 and make me laugh. Also, fuck, if those songs aren’t ridiculous earworms. You’ve been warned.

Gone in Six Seconds

If you can remove 6 seconds of dialogue and de-gay a character, is that character really all that gay in the first place? And, if that makes the character only gay in certain countries (not to mention certain books), again how gay is this person in the first place?

The de-gaying of Albus Dumbledore (after his sudden gaying post-Harry Potter books) shows how tokenism and after-the-fact declarations do the LGBTQ+ rights movement no real favors. Warner Bros has censored and removed dialogue from the latest “Fantastic Beasts” film’s release in China. If you ever need a reminder that corporations are only our friends when we make them money, this is it. When we potentially lose them money, goodbye any references to Dumbledore’s queerness! Don’t let the gay door hit you in the gay ass on your way out.

Not that the queer content in “Fantastic Beasts: Secrets of Dumbledore” was overwhelming in the first place. In fact, it only took trimming 6-seconds of dialogue to remove all references to his gayness and past relationship with dark wizard Gellert Grindelwald in the 143-minute movie. I know I always say representation matters, but 6 seconds of representation is at best lip service and at worst fairly insulting. The censored seconds include the lines, “I was in love with you” and “the summer Gellert and I fell in love.” And those are the first references to Dumbledore’s queerness in the entire Harry Potter/Fantastic Beasts film universes.

I guess in case you needed even more reasons to break up with the HP/FB/JK Rowling Cinematic Universe, this is it. But for me, JK’s rabid embrace of TERFism and unrelenting attacks on trans people have already soured the magic forever. Makes me glad I’m a tad too old to have grown up with the books.

All I know is our stories are worth a damn lot more than 6 seconds, period. Also, lol at the movie’s trailer featuring one of the lines as if the movie was secretly a grand gay love affair when it was only 6 seconds that could easily be excised and leave the characters appearing totally straight afterward.

Definitely Something

Every queer person intrinsically understands the process of finding their chosen family. Yet we’ve rarely been shown depictions of this — past that of teens or young adults. Part of what makes the new HBO series “Somebody Somewhere” so special is that it allows full-grown adults to find their families, and themselves.

The show is a semi-autobiographical story from comedian/cabaret aficionado Bridget Everett. If you’re a fan of Amy Schumer’s sketch comedy series, you’ve no doubt seen Bridget’s stand-up. She’s always kind of brash and wonderful, but “Somebody Somewhere” allows her to show her big, beautiful heart as well.

Set in Manhattan, Kansas (where Bridget was born and raised) the show also reveals a nuanced eye for quiet intricacies of Midwestern family life. In the series her character Sam had returned to her hometown to take care of her sick sister, who then passes away before the show starts. Now, six months later, Sam is adrift. The story is part mid-life crisis, part an embrace of your inner outsider.

“Somebody Somewhere” is also an undeniably queer story. While Bridget’s Sam doesn’t identify as gay, the friends she turns into family during the course of the show cross the LGBTQ+ spectrum. But their sexuality and gender identity isn’t fussed over. Like true Midwesterners, most of the gay stuff goes unsaid or remarked upon — it just is. (Same goes for commentary on Sam’s body, which is only touched on fleetingly making for a refreshing change.) The series also deftly navigates many queer Midwesterners often uncomfortable relationship with the church.

The heart of the show is about finding your people, the ones who make you feel like you belong. The ones who support you, even when you think you don’t deserve anyone’s love or care. Sam finds it in her gay BFF Joel (played with goofy grace by Jeff Hiller). I’ve also mentioned this show is really funny, right? Because it is. Really, really funny.

After the short “Somebody Somewhere” first season, just seven 30-minute episodes, you’ll definitely want more. But you’ll also feel fully satisfied. In a town where rainbows still mostly mean The Wizard of Oz, the show is a meditation on the power of queer and outsider families. They can help us find, or rediscover our voices — in this case figuratively and literally. In showing us the power of being authentically ourselves, and embracing our inner oddballs, we can find joy in the most unlikely of places — even Manhattan, Kansas.

p.s. If you don’t finish the show with a little boy crush on Fred Rococo than I’m not sure we can be friends.

Music Monday: Gentleman Jack Edition

Happy Gentleman Jack Day! In honor of the premiere of the second season on HBO tonight, here is the original song used for its theme. The jaunty number is from married English musical duo O’Hooley & Tidow (that would be Belinda O'Hooley on piano and Heidi Tidow). The song comes from their 2011 album “The Fragile” and obviously has been making the rounds again thanks to the show. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t realize it was its own song before the series. But honestly it’s perfect and they’re perfect and welcome back Gentleman Jack. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Blogiversary

Well, kittens, Ye Olde Blogge has made it another year around the sun. As of this coming Sunday, Dorothy Surrenders will be 16 years old. This baby can drive! It’s crazy to think that it’s my longest non-familial commitment. (With all apologies to my wife, who I met 6 years into writing Surrenders already. Ahem.)

So for this blogiversary I am sheepishly going to do another, small fundraiser. You see, I’ve been cranking out Surrenders on the MacBook I bought from my first fundraiser back in 2012. Yes, I am still working on a 10-year-old laptop, folks. But at least it has ports and slots without needing to buy an additional dongle (that’s just a grumble for Apple, not for any of you). Anyway, it’s way past time I finally buy a new one and with a little help from you, dear readers, I hope to do so soon.

I think I’ve almost been writing this blog long enough for blogs to become ironically cool again? I mean if mullets and fanny packs can come back anything is possible. But, in all seriousness, I am eternally grateful that you come back to read each day or week or month or year. I’ve long said that I write to keep myself from screaming at the television (or computer screen or news report, you get the idea).

What I remain forever thankful for is your support and your readership. It humbles me that so many of you have been around for so long, years and a decade-plus even for some of you. I know being able to write Surrenders has helped me learn and develop and become what I hope is the best version of myself. I was a shy child and a shy young adult and am now a somewhat less shy full grown adult — and I attribute a lot of that to being part of an online LGBTQ+ community that had nurtured and supported my work and my growth. So thank you, kittens, from the bottom of my not entirely inky black heart.

Anyway, if you feel like donating or have a few bucks you can donate to my Venmo - @Dorothy-Snarker. I first used Venmo last year when I put up a digital tip jar for my 15th blogiversary, and so many of you were so lovely and so generous. Thank you again.

I realize this probably leaves out all you international kittens, which stinks. But I don’t have another payment service that will go to my Dorothy Snarker account unfortunately. (If you have suggestions for international donation mechanisms that would reveal only my pen name instead of legal name, let me know.)

But even if you don’t donate, I’m just happy you keep coming back here to read and share and grow and (respectfully) ogle hot women in tank tops. Thanks for 16 years.

p.s. If you do make a donation (and thank you in advance, though again no one should feel obligated to do so), please mark it an anniversary gift for future tax purposes. We could avoid all of this if they’d just tax billionaires properly.

Friendly Conversation Partners

Now, I acknowledge that this might a messier kind of “Yay Gay” experience. But, honestly, I can’t be for certain because I haven’t read the book. Based on Sally Rooney’s novel “Conversations with Friends,” the movie by the same name is about a complicated threesome/thruple/love triangle or possible trapezoid situation between two twentysomething female best friends/former lovers and a thirtysomething married male and female couple. The trailer for the new Hulu series focuses heavily on Frances who has an affair with the husband — which I guess makes sense since apparently she’s the narrator of the book. But clearly I’m more interested in the other friend, played by Sasha Lane who also starred in the queer teen drama “The Miseducation of Cameron Post.” Like, I certainly hope they give her “conversations” with the wife played by Jemima Kirke the same kind of screentime. Anyway, being in love/lust in your 20s is the worst because everything feels like the end of the world, but hopefully this show will be more than just a cringey reminder of messy desires of our past selves. But, like I said, I haven’t ready the book.

Hack It Up

Drinking*, dancing, dumpster diving and DIVAS! Yes, “Hacks” is coming back next month and did I mention you should 100% be watching “Hacks” if you haven’t been watching “Hacks?” The Jean Smartessaince continues with the second season of the Emmy winning comedy. Joining her will be her partners in comedy (and maybe crimes) is out bisexual actor Hannah Einbinder. We can only assume her character Ava will continue to be queer on screen. I mean, that tie sure makes me think so. More of that, show. *wolf whistles inappropriately* What? It’s a good show.

p.s. *It was missing the "D," which is something I never say.

Crushing It

While I am no longer in the target demographic for teenage romances, by quite a lot, I certainly appreciate that they keep making stories that let more young people feel like they too can find their happily ever after. You know, that whole thing about representation mattering and all.

The latest teen rom-com is Hulu’s “Crush.” High school senior looks for her college application inspiration in her crush, but somehow ends up also crushing on her crush’s sister? Hey, it’s a tad incestuous but I’ll take it. Also, I love how this movie follows the well-executed teen rom-com formula of using a largely unknown young cast spiked with a few seasoned, funny adults (in this case Megan Mullally, Aasif Mandvi and Michelle Buteau). The “other” sister AJ might not be instantly recognizable, unless you’ve watched “Moana” a bajillion times like me. It’s out star Auli'i Cravalho, who came out as bisexual two years ago.

I had to chuckle at our heroine bemoaning her so-called limited dating options at her high school from the trailer. Back in my day, ummm, we didn’t have any. But then, I guess that’s progress.

I don’t know if this movie will be any good. But even if it isn’t, it’s still wonderful that it exists. When I think back at all the teen movies I watched when I was a teen, I couldn’t dream of having a selection of queer teeange romances made for mainstream audiences to choose from. Heck, I couldn’t imagine queer issues being covered in anything that wasn’t a Very Special Episodes. Like I was saying, progress.

Music Monday: Syd’s “Fast Car”

After a week of airing our extremely legitimate grievances at a queer story told badly, how about we share a week of good queer news. Or, at least queer stories with considerable potential. Today we start with a “Fast Car” for a new generation. Out lesbian musician Syd released her second album, “Broken Hearts Club,” and its single “Fast Car” is what I believe the kids today call “a vibe.” While Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” was a hardscrabble love letter to fading possibilities, Syd’s “Fast Car” is an intentionally seductive ode to queer joy. The more I listen to it, the more I love it. And its Thelma & Louise meets Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ending delights me anew each time. After reading some glowing reviews of her full album, you’d better believe I’ll be checking out more of Syd. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

The thing about representation is that it always matters. Whether in TV shows or movies, in politics or business, and definitely on the Supreme Court of the United States. So last week’s confirmation of Ketanji Brown Jackson to be the first Black woman to serve on the court in its 233 year history matters. Wow, does it matter. Truly, every first matters. That we live in a time when we still have so many “firsts” yet to go shows how much they matter.

That the arch of Justice Jackson’s family history can go from segregation to the Supreme Court in one generation. One generation. Our past is always present, but if we keep fighting for progress we can make sure it does not mire us in the limitations of our yesterdays. You could practically see Vice President Harris/Straight Bette Porter’s glee at announcing the confirmation. Now that’s earned joy — the first female and first Black and first Indian-American Vice President helping to confirm the first Black female SCOTUS justice. With all the horrors of our world, I hope you took a few minutes to revel in that moment. Plus, you know it made all those racist conservative white senators just stew in their own bigotry (which is why they all rudely walked out afterward — heck, Lindsey couldn’t even be bothered to find his tie, they’re the pettiest snowflakes always).

What always gets me about racist arguments poo-pooing firsts like this or bemoaning diversity hires is the sheer incompetence of their arguments. They will make a big fuss about how these positions should only be filled by the most qualified person regardless of race or gender. But then ignore the fact that race and gender have been the defining qualifiers for Supreme Court justices for the overwhelmingly vast majority of the institution’s history. Take, for example, the fact that for 178 years, you had to be a white man to get on the Supreme Court (Thurgood Marshall became its first Black male justice in 1967). Or, there’s the fact that for 192 years you had to be a man to get on the Supreme Court (Sandra Day O’Connor became its first female justice in 1981). White male is also a race and a gender, folks. It is not a default.

The simple truth is, most of American history has been defined by who we’ve NOT allowed access to power. Slaves labor built this nation. Racist and sexist policies fueled its growth. What progress we’ve made isn’t because people of color and other oppressed groups suddenly became more qualified. It’s because those in power — while kicking and screaming about it — finally gave underrepresented people the opportunity. One need only watch some of KBJ’s confirmation hearing to see primo Republican white male kicking and screaming in action. Still, their tantrums couldn’t overshadow her joy, and everyone who believes in progress’s joy, at her confirmation. It was all over her face. The weight and responsibility of history matters even more when you’re first.

It’s hard to dream when you’ve never been shown what’s possible. It’s hard to imagine a better future when you’ve only been shown an unjust past. Never let people say firsts don’t matter. Never stop fighting for the seconds and thirds and future generations. Congratulations, Justice Jackson. Now go kick Brett Kavanaugh’s ass for us, please. Happy weekend, all.

How To Happy Ending

Yeah, I know, bit of broken record at this point but I’m still pissed about that “Killing Eve” finale. Mostly because it took four seasons of bold, complicated storytelling and reduced it to some sort of extended rebirth metaphor. Of course, that’s what I’ve been watching my favorite queer women assassins spy drama for all these years — a morality play.

While I understand that creators do not have a responsibility past telling good stories, and should certainly not be beholden to the whims of fandom, But just because they can do something, doesn’t always mean they should. And for a show with such a dedicated/obsessive (and I say that with love) fanbase of queer women, greater care should have certainly been taken in handling such an iconic queer character’s ending. Honestly, this show could have become legend had it allowed even the faintest sliver of a happy ending for Eve and Villanelle. Instead, this TV series written exclusively about PEOPLE WHO KILL PEOPLE FOR A LIVING decided to moralize at the bitter end. OK, sure, Jan.

But enough screaming into the void between clueless showrunner ears. How about we celebrate some happy endings instead? If you feel a distinct pang of deja vu, that’s because we did this once before back in 2016 when the Bury Your Gays trope last reared its ugly head in such spectacular fashion courtesy the Clexa debacle. Luckily, we’ve added a few more since then. But just a few.

So, here are a few of my personal favorite happily ever afters for queer women in movies and TV. Obviously there are more (and courtesy The Wayback Machine you can still see them on That Other Website whose name we no longer mention). Here are my Top 10 11 film and Top 5 6 TV happy endings for queer women (what, we’re gays, we always need to be a little extra). Apologies in advance as I have most certainly left off your favs. So, please, tell us your most beloved queer women riding off into that perpetual sunrise together moments. Share more joy, not less, kittens.

MOVIES

1. Desert Hearts (1985)

Kissing through the car window weakened our collective knees, getting on the train took them out.

2. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (1995)

To this day, I still want to buy myself a white Range Rover and ride off into the sunset together precisely because of this movie.

3. When Night Is Falling (1995)

You probably didn’t see this indie gem about a Christian college professor and a circus performer. But you should because they even resurrect the dog at the end.

4. Bound (1996)

You can’t beat an ending where the girl gets the girl and the truck.

5. But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

Happy endings plus pom-poms. Like, straight teen rom-coms could never.

6. Saving Face (2004)

Not enough people have seen this movie and more people should see this movie.

7. Imagine Me & You (2005)

This movie set unrealistic expectations for all future lesbian movie endings.

8. Nina’s Heavenly Delights (2006)

I mean it’s got about a cooking competition and lesbians, I’ll ignore the “Ghost Dad” overtones for that.

9. Carol (2015)

Let’s go to the Oak Room and make eyes at each other forever.

10. Summerland (2020)

The only recent lesbian period piece where the lesbians stare off into the ocean and still get to live happily ever after together.

11. Kajillionaire (2020)

Honestly, I had to include one more because this is such a strange and wonderful film AND it gives us one of the most unexpected and swoony happy queer endings in recent memory.

TELEVISION

1.South of Nowhere (2008): Spencer & Ashley

Oh, Spashley. You always remember your first (queer teen TV show happy ending).

2. Glee (2015): Brittany & Santana

Look, “Glee” did a lot of stupid things. But letting Brittana be endgame was not one of them.

3. Lost Girl (2015): Bo & Lauren

Sacrificing Tamsin was obviously not great. But this show about one woman’s insatiable sexual prowess gave us our Doccubus ending after all.

4. San Junipero (2016)

This “Black Mirror” episode is perhaps the most perfect example of how to subvert the Bury Your Gays trope. I mean, they literally bury their gays, but then still let them live on in endless happiness anyway.

5. Ratched (2020): Mildred & Gwendolyn

This is honestly not a very good show, like at all. But, if you ignore the gore and horror and crippling character inconsistencies, it was rather stylish to look at and is one of the only mainstream female queer romances I can think of where both the leads are played by out queer women as well. Plus they literally escape to sunny, beautiful Mexico together to be gay and free, after first faking us out with an unhappy ending before going, “Not so fast, straights!” L.O.L.

6. Wynonna Earp (2021): Waverly & Nicole

Continuing the Marry Your Gays grand tradition pioneers by Brittana/Klaine, WayHaught’s series trajectory follows what I hope will be the also much emulated Give The Gays Everything They Want trend.

This Is The End

Honestly, I’m still heated about that finale. They came so, so, sososo close to becoming legends. They came so, so, sososo close to giving queer women an iconic, groundbreaking, satisfying show to love for, well, ever. But then, in that final 2 minutes and 30 seconds, they fucked it all up. Period.

This isn’t to say they needed to give us a happy ending. Honestly, I was braced for both of them to die. But to reduce Villanelle to a plot device for Eve’s growth/”rebirth” to a normal life? I mean, how insulting. Talk about your complete misreads of a character and indeed the whole show.

When you create a series with queer women at its center, especially queer women like Eve who are finding themselves, its important to understand the community you are representing. And it’s important to understand the history of our representation. It’s been 20 years since “Your shirt.” Yet somehow writers keep giving queer people — especially queer women — fleeting moments of happiness before devastating us with its immediate complete destruction. At least Sandra and Jodie in no way played the scenes in question the way the writers supposedly wrote them, bless their endlessly talented hearts.

So forget that ending. It doesn’t exist. We make our own happy endings. We choose our own destinies. Luckily, there’s the internet to help. From the simple way they could have ended it all (seriously, just hit stop after, “Yeah, but mostly me” and then The Chuckle) to a plethora of other options that wouldn’t have betrayed its queer characters and its queer fans.

You're Killing Us

Well, shit. I knew, KNEW, it wasn’t going to end well. But there’s ending badly, and then there’s series finale of “Killing Eve” ending badly. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad except then in the last 2 minutes and 30 seconds they went and shat on everything this show had built for four seasons. SPOILERS ahead, obviously. Also a lot of cursing. You’ve been warned.

So, that happened. They fucking shot Villanelle in front of Eve after they had finally consummated their relationship and were seemingly truly happy together. Even as much as we all knew this wasn’t likely to be a riding off into the homicidal sunset together scenario, the betrayal of such a smart show with such a lazy, trope-filled ending is still astounding to behold. Yes, the show went full Bury Your Gays and Dead Lesbian Syndrome. A delightful twofer of uninspired narratives that feels about as fresh as those Crocs Villanelle had to put on to escape while recouping from her first murder attempt way back in Season 2.

The parallels between Eve and Villanelle’s ending and Willow and Tara’s ending are unmistakable. Almost exactly 20 years (May 7, 2002, the Kitten Board remembers) after “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” helped launch our modern discussion of the Bury Your Gays trope, we see the same storyline emerge and get presented as an edgy or profound. Look at the queer people suffering. Isn’t that deep? I would call this whole sorted affair the “Your Shirt”-ification of “Killing Eve.” Are we really still setting up narratives that could somehow be interpreted as “punishment” for queer characters after they finally achieve momentary happiness?

What is this, a cheesy 80s slasher flick where the teens have sex and then get axe murdered 3 seconds later because family values? Is this really great company to keep, show?

The ending to “Killing Eve” took a show with a refreshingly untethered moral compass and turned it into a strict morality play in its last two minutes. The awkward moralizing was compounded by Season 4 showrunner Laura Neal who kept referencing in post-show interviews to the final scene as Eve’s “rebirth.” Her coming out of the water with that primal scream wasn’t about sorrow, it was rejuvenation. Ah yes, I thought she sounded refreshed and reinvigorated as she was garbling in horror. That wasn’t a response to the tragedy of losing the singular focus of her existence for the past four years, it was about washing away the last four years. Duh! You can tell a storyline is really working when you have to keep going, “No, see, what we were saying was…” Anyway, I guess this explains all the Jesus stuff from the start of the season.

Also Carolyn is the one who gets to go off triumphantly (and with a possible spin-off) into the good night? I’m going to have to hard pass on that “And who has a better story than Bran?”-nonsense. I mean, I guess we should all be thankful that if this was going to be the sorry end all along, at least they had the courtesy not to drag it out for eight seasons like “Game of Thrones.”

But here’s the rub. The books the series the show is based on don’t end with Villanelle’s death. No, Eve and Villanelle live, with the latter training to be a linguist. I mean, come on, that’s pretty perfect. Talk about your killer language skills. So this was a deliberate choice to kill Villanelle for the purpose of — what? — saving Eve?

Alas, too many showrunners mistake simply killing off queer characters with emotional depth. One does not automatically translate to the other, and in the cases of underrepresented communities storytellers should take special care when considering our stories. You aren’t just killing a character. You are killing the connection and importance an entire community has placed on a character, particularly when they are the still all-too-rare lead characters. For LGBTQ+ communities, who have found ourselves right back in middle of an ugly politicized fight for our existence, representation always matters.

It should also not go without noting that Villanelle is by far not the first queer character this show has killed off unceremoniously. Starting with Bill, whose murder was the emotional needle drop of the entire first season, and going on to include Carolyn’s closeted father and the ruthless assasin wrangle Helene. And some others whose names I cannot remember becase, granted, there was a lot of death overall on “Killing Eve.” Clearly it’s baked right into the title. But, yeah, that’s still a lot of queer character death for one show. A lot.

The things is, we might be having an entirely different conversation if the show had actually let Eve and Villanelle be together for more than 5 minutes. But to build through four seasons to this moment, and then tease us with these fleeting glimpses of their unconventional yet joyous domesticity only to rip them away is not the grand pathos they think it is. It’s just cruel.

It also shows what feels like a deliberate tone deafness to our community’s history and struggle with representation over the years. The Bury Your Gays and Dead Lesbian Syndrome are truly nothing new. Heck, there should could a whole subgenre on just queer women shot in the back and it’d be longer than the list of sitting female U.S. Supreme Court justices. You can draw a straight line from Tara to Clexa to Villanelle and back again — making it an unbroken circle of Dead Queer Women as convenient plot devices.

This is not to say showrunners can’t tell the stories they want to tell. Artistic vision is not beholden to fandom. But you do owe us a good story. And this simply wasn’t that. Indeed, it feels like a misread of the entire show — like all four fucking seasons.

This was never a show about Eve destroying herself. This was always a show about Eve destroying the trappings of what she thought she wanted to tap into the raw pulsing nerve of her most urgent desires. Indeed, there is rebirth through destruction. But not the destruction of any one person or people (though, gosh, Villanelle sure seemed to have fun in her “Kill Bill”-esque rampage through The Twelve). Losing Villanelle, the thing she’s wanted the most all this time, would not be the “reset button” the showrunner envisions for Eve. And it definitely isn’t a reset for us, its viewers. It’s a let down.

Perhaps there are legions of middle-aged married women who are bored with their desk jobs and their perfectly nice mustachioed husbands for whom the ending of “Killing Eve” might be a revelation. But, honestly, I’m sure they were out there rooting for Eve and Villanelle to make it in the end, too. Like, if this show doesn’t realize that everyone, EVERYONE, who watches would swipe right on Villanelle even if her profile literally only said, “Homicidal psychopath assassin with great fashion sense who will definitely kill you” then this show doesn’t understand itself at all.

What made “Killing Eve” so great and so fun for 99.9% of its run was its unpredictability. But I honestly couldn’t even enjoy the happy moments (or even the at-long-last kiss) because the inevitability of their total destruction was all but assured - the only question was how. Before the finale, you never really knew where things were going, and the thrill of that served to us in such unmistakably stylish and seductive packaging made us all feel like Eve’s Season 1 finale monologue. Indeed, I think about this show all the time. Well, I thought about this show all the time. Now, I mostly think about how I can erase the last 2 minutes and 30 seconds from my memory forever. Sorry, baby. That ending wasn’t it.

Luckily, us queers have become adept at creating our own happy endings. We’re already a community that creates its own chosen families. So, don’t worry, we’ve already created our own better ending for Eve and Villanelle.

YALL DONT WORRY I FIXED IT #killingeve pic.twitter.com/BD39Ilweh6

— Sarah || fuck you laura neal (@ripvillanelle) April 10, 2022

Music Monday: Alanis Edition

Wow, the 90s really are back. Finally, it’s time for Gen X culture to SHINE. Though, honestly we’d rather just be wearing flannels and writing in our journals. Anyway, Alanis Morissette is Gen X music royalty. But while the Gen X fellas of grunge get remembered, so many talented female artists of the time seem to live on only in the fanzines of our hearts (I mean, not really, they’re still out there being creative and amazing — but not getting the same kind of nostalgic attention as others). Your Alanises. Your Liz Phairs. Your PJ Harveys. Your Lauryn Hills. Your Tori Amoses. Your Fiona Apples. So it’s lovely to see this orchestral performance of “You Oughta Know” (which, I know, is a promotion for “Bridgerton,” I know). Still, as a 90s kid it’s a trip to see this at-the-time scandalous (she said she went down on someone in a theater!!) song performed in such a rarified way. More 90s women rockers getting to show off Gen X’s talents, please. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend (Killer) Crush

Gosh, just one more episode. I’ll have a lot more to say once this whole wild ride is over. But what I know for certain is I will miss these two women’s faces together on my screen. I will miss it very, very, very much.

P.s. Yeah, unfortunately, I think Eve removing Villainelle’s arrow is about as much as much romance as we’ll end up getting between our resident cat and resident mouse (whichever is which these days). But, honestly I won’t be terribly mad if Eve winds up with the hot, masc wilderness woman assassin. Yes, obviously, I want the show’s central homicidal psychopath to have a happy ending — whichever one (or both) fall under that category these days. Gosh, just one more episode.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Low Pony Edition

This is what I believe you call a long, tall, low pony drink of water. WHEN DOES THIS SHOW COME BACK AGAIN? Oh, HBO has finally told us. April 25, queers. It comes back Monday, April 25. But until then, please enjoy Suranne Jones lounging in a barn. And that low pony? Be still my heart. Also, from the new HBO and BBC trailers, it seems we’ll be getting a lot of that low pony in season 2. And, of course, a lot of lesbian drama. Giving the queer ladies exactly what they want, I see. We can only hope, show.

HBO Trailer:

BBC Trailer:

Classify This

Hallmark features its first holiday lesbians every last year in the Christmas rom-com “Every Time a Bell Rings.” It was…fine. (Full disclosure, LIfetime’s “Under the Christmas Tree” was my favorite of last year’s holi-gay bonanza.) So now Hallmark is taking another shot at us Sapphics with “Love Classified.” One of my favorite things about it is how quintessentially generic that title truly is. Slow clap, very slow clap. One of my second favorite things about this is how it has hired not one, but two actresses who have memorably played gay before. The first is Melora Hardin, who played the Very Lesbian Tammy on “Transparent.” The second is Arienne Mandi, who of course plays Dani on “The Real World: Generation Q.” Honestly, I don’t know why this thing is even called “Love Classified” because there does not appear to be paid newspaper advertising or top secret government intel involved. Instead Melora plays a romance novelist who is trying to reconnect with her adult children. While one of those adult children is reaching out with Arienne. Nobody tell Gigi. Also did they post Dani's bail or what?

Big Theater Kid Energy

Anne Hathaway is the purest, truest definition of a theater kid and people who hate her for trying so hard don’t understand — that’s the purest, truest compliment for a theater kid. I never understood people who disliked her? Because she is very good, tries hard every time and appears to enjoy herself? Is it her earnest enjoyment of being the embodiment of a theater kid? Or just more people who hate seeing a successful, talented woman live her best life? Dunno, but must be sad to be them.

Reminder, Anne Hathaway won an Oscar for 15 minutes on screen in “Les Misérables,” where she spent most of that time tearfully singing “I Dreamed a Dream.” So, the lady has chops. And, in case you’d forgotten, she gave the universe one of the truest, purest shots of dopamine with her epic 2015 “Lip Sync Battle” appearance against Emily Blunt. I have it recorded and rewatch anytime I need a little pick-me up. Honestly, when she jumps on that wrecking ball? I cheer every time. Anyway, Anne Hathaway, forever.

p.s. Also, apparently this photo of Anne Hathway exists and, um. Anne Hathaway Fan Club President For Life.

Music Monday: Just Another Manic MUNA

How, HOW is it April? It seems like yesterday it was still February and we went to our first concert in two years where MUNA was one of the openers. Remember MUNA? They had that undeniably catchy and queer song “Silk Chiffon” with the “But I’m a Cheerleader”-themed video? Yeah, you remember. Well, they’re releasing their first full-length album which will come out in June — just in time for Pride. And they’ve already got a new music video out. This one has chains. Also, if you get a chance, catch their tour. They were fun and fantastic opening for Kacey Musgraves way back in February. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Joy

Let’s end this week on the highest of notes. No fooling, depsite the date. I’ve said it before and it’ll never not be true. Our joy is an act of resistance. The joy of all underrepresented people is an act of resistance. Because so many people don’t want us to feel like we belong, like we have a rightful place in the world. So many people think the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness should only be conferred on those just like them.

To them I say living our best lives openly as LGBTQ+ people is the best revenge. I mean, imagine the people out there absolutely stewing about Ariana DeBose winning an Oscar. Here is an out queer, Afro-Latino woman taking home acting’s highest honor for the first time in history. The trophy is richly deserved, as is every last iota of her happiness.

And it’s exactly that joy I want to embrace today. Take the sheer bliss of this moment and share it with the deepest parts of yourself. The parts you let an unkind world convince you you aren’t deserving. The parts of you that bigots have trampled and destroyed. The parts of you that think happiness is only for other people. Because you deserve this joy. Ariana deserves this joy.

I am so thankful her joy at having her Oscar engraved was captured on video for us all to soak in. I suggest doing so immediately and repeatedly. How can you deny this level of exuberant bliss? Why would you want to? What is wrong with all these people who would just rather we not? Who

May you find that joy in your heart and believe your worth in your soul. And dance like everybody is watching. Congratulations, Ariana. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Also, she wore Sparkly Birkenstocks after the Oscars. That, THAT, is what I call representation.