They brought back the world

The thing about Joss Whedon is that in his heart he is a romantic with a stubborn apocalyptic streak. He likes to tear things apart to see if they can be put back together again. Lovers. Sunnydale. Civilization. The “Dollhouse” finale Friday night was classic Joss filled with tragedy, redemption, sacrifice and love. People died in a flash, no lingering just gone. But in the end, she saved the world (but just this once).

Everyone involved with “Dollhouse” should be proud of what they’ve created – grand, complex and at times messy television that was never afraid of big ideas. It’s stunning to think how far the show came in just two short seasons. From what sexy mission can we send Eliza on this week to the end of the world as we know it. It wasn’t always seamless and at times it was like watching “The Secret Diary of a Brainwashed Call Girl.” But those of us who trusted in Joss where richly rewarded.

“Epitaph Two: Return” was a brilliant leap of faith with the viewers. If you hadn’t seen the first season DVD bonus episode “Epitaph One,” you’d be as lost as the dumbshows wandering the streets. But Joss & Co. knew we’d happily jump with them. With a ride this good, we had no choice. Still, it’s hard to think of what we’ll never get to see because of the show’s abbreviated run. (Like, when did Alpha turn good? Why did Priya and Tony split? How exactly did the tech bring about the apocalypse?) But in a way, not having time focused the show down to its most essential, urgent stories.

And, you’ve got to hand it to Joss, he slipped in a lesbian for us ladies after all. Sure, it came in the very last episode ever. But anyone who makes Felicia Day gay is genius. For those who missed the references, Felica’s character Meg tells Zone that “the little Asian’s kind of cute.” And that “little Asian” happens to be a girl.

(p.s. Here’s the cute little Asian in question, played by “Dollhouse” writer Maurissa Tancharoen.)

Though, in hindsight, we should have know. I mean, it was so obvious. Two words: Cargo pants.

Later, Meg goes to the cute little Asian’s room while they’re both convalescing. And for her part, cutie was majorly enamored with Echo and her abilities, so I think Meg might have a shot. Dammit, Fox. Look what you missed out on by canceling this show: hot lesbian hookups. Idiots.

I guess in the end I’m just happy to have been able to watch a show that, while never perfect, was always bold, brave and brimming with strong, smart and sexy women. Even if it was only for a little while.

My Weekend Crush

I would like Betty White to live forever. I really don’t think it’s too much to ask. At 88, she seems more vibrant, sassy and hilarious than a considerable number of people half – or even a third – of her age. Betty is a constant reminder that there is no age limit on talent. All you need to write your ticket is to be smart and funny and love what you do enough to keep trying. When Betty’s career accomplishments were listed during her Lifetime Achievement Award presentation at the SAG awards last weekend, they seemed to span the history of television. We all know about her amazing work on the “The Golden Girls” and “The Mary Tyler Moore Show.” But she had not one, not two but three shows call “The Betty White Show,” and since the 50s she has guested on so many shows it boggles the mind. But that she has appeared is one thing, that she made an impression is another. Her saucy spirit and ribald rhetoric is instantly recognizable. And that, surely, will live forever. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Tilda Thursday

Oh Tilda, Tilda. Now, I recognize that I (and probably a lot of other like-minded folks) still have lingering problems with Tilda’s support of the Free Polanski petition. Disappointed just starts to scratch the surface. Still as much as the art is not the artist, I can’t help but be drawn to Tilda Swinton. She is just so terribly delicious. I’m so viscerally attracted to her, it’s involuntary. That face, that skin, that hair – sweet merciful Zeus, that hair. She defies even the simplest convention in an industry built on the deification of standardized perfection. And, I’m not even kidding, I’d kill to see her play Conan O’Brien in “Night Shift 2: Sometimes Chins Come Back.” (An offer which she replied to with an enthusiastic “Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.”) She is certainly tall and thin enough to play him. Though, I’m convinced that she fills out a suit better.

Male, female. Straight, holding hands with a woman in slack and a tie with her hands in her pockets (we all know what that means, ladies).

Tilda defies definition while blazing her own. But seriously, how do I get that hair?

A movie of our own

Yesterday, I asked my fellow tweetbians to help me brainstorm successful lesbian movies for Melissa over at the wonderful Women & Hollywood blog. And, thanks to our collective lesbo hive mind I both helped and bummed myself out. Wanna take a gander at the biggest lesbo box office hits? Brace yourself, you might be a little surprised.

The Top Ten

1. Fried Green Tomatoes ($82.4 million)
2. The Hours ($41.7 million)
3. Monster ($34.5 million)
4. Frida ($25.9 million)
5. Chasing Amy ($12 million)
6. Boys Don’t Cry ($11.5 million)
7. Mulholland Drive ($11.2 million)
8. Kissing Jessica Stein ($7m)
9. The Hunger ($6 million)
10. Personal Best ($5.7 million)

Um, wow. Now, granted many of these aren’t exclusively or even explicitly lesbian films (and, yes, “Boys Don’t Cry” is actually trans, but I’m going big umbrella here). In fact, I think “Monster” is the first film with a full-ahead lesbian lead, and she happens to be a serial killer. So, yeah, fantastic. In fact, I was sure “Bound” would be in at least the top 5. But it’s No. 11, taking in only $3.8 million domestically.

And, if you really want to get depressed consider that “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” made $146.3 million. Yeah, that many more people lined up to watch Kevin James on a Segway than Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly on each other.

We are a stupid, stupid country.

But what is really says is how far we still have to go as lesbians and bisexual women in finding our place in mainstream cinema. I mean, we’ve all seen the movies. But the rest of the world, not so much. And we have yet to have our “Brokeback Moutain.” Out great, marquee, acclaimed film that brings even grandma and grandpa in Idaho out to the cineplex to find out if those two nice cowgirls can make it work.

Still, hope springs eternal. Each year I hope against hope for the elusive one. The one great lesbian film to rule them all. A movie where our heroines aren’t killers or suicidal or actually straight or vampires. This year, I’m pinning my hopes on “The Kids Are All Right.”

Described as a “scenes-from-a-lesbian-marriage comedy” from veteran filmmaker Lisa Cholodenko (“High Art,” “Laurel Canyon”) debuted at Sundance this week and has already received glowing reviews and heated interest from distributors. And it has stars with name we recognize, with Oscar nominations even. Julianne Moore, Annette Bening, Mark Ruffalo and up-and-comer Mia Wasikowska (Alice in Tim Burton’s new take on Wonderland).

Julianne and Annette play the married (well, if they live in Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut and Iowa married) couple “hitting one of those slippery, middle-age danger zones.” Ruffalo’s character happens to be the biological father of the couple’s children, and it seems some flirting with Julianne’s character. But the Salon reviewer calls the film “ranks with the most compelling portraits of an American marriage, regardless of sexuality, in film history.”

Like I was saying, the one. Fingers crossed. Now who wants to go halfsies on popcorn with me?

Last Target

I think my Fake Internet Girlfriend just broke up with me. Or, more accurately, she broke up with The Interwebs. Though, it’s possible we’re just on a break. Sarah Haskins has ended her very funny, very smart, very funny (no really, it bears repeating) series “Target Women” for Current. Yes, yes – tears, hair-pulling, possibly a little wailing. I am trying to be brave. But all is not lost, this will definitely not be the last we see of Sarah.

In an interview with Jezebel yesterday, Sarah talked about her pride in Target Women and her plans for the future. My Our gal has not one but two screenplays in the works: “Book Smarts” and “Lunch Lady” (the latter with Amy freaking Poehler attached). And she also has a webshort called “DILF” coming out soon. Now while I’m sure it’ll be hilarious, I’m less into hot dads and more into Sarah’s advice for picking up hot chicks. What? Who said these segments can’t be educational?

Alas, these are the last of Sarah’s little feminist funnies we’ll be seeing. I am happy to report that I’ve featured three of her four favorite episodes already: Cleaning, “Number Two” and Ann Curry. Ladyfriends is the only one I missed. But not anymore!

But before we let Sarah go to that better place (that being the land of successful Hollywood scriptwriters, not that “farm” your parents took Rover to when you were 8), let’s enjoy a little more of her excellent marksmanship.

Ready!


Aim!


Fire!

Oh, Sarah. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Thank God for yogurt.

p.s. And she even slipped a tank top in for Tuesday. My Fake Internet Ex-Girlfriend really is the best, isn’t she?

Naked Lady (Blue) Monday

Today, thanks to the wonders of science, is the most depressing day of the year. No, really. True fact. There’s a formula and everything. And, I must admit, I’ve been feeling a tad blue lately. Some of it may have to do with the seemingly endless rain we’ve been having here in California. Granted, us Golden Staters have no right to complain about weather of any sort. But it’s been awfully wet and awfully gray and to top it all off, the foundation has leaked in the only room of the house with carpeting – naturally. So I’m fighting soggy carpet and the onset of locker room smell. All in all, I’ve had better Januarys. But instead of give in to the gloom and depression of it all, I say we fight back against Blue Monday. I say we turn our frowns upside down. I say we come on and get happy. And you know what makes me happy? Naked ladies. So, without further ado and with very little warning, I give you the trailer for “Room in Rome.” To say that this clip is NSFW would be an understatement. What follows could be the very reason the acronym NSFW was invented. No, really. True fact.

Well, gosh. Just think of all the money they saved on wardrobe. Now I don’t know much about the plot. But I do know that that is an awful lot of naked happening right there. In fact, in the name of science, I think I’ll watch again to calculate the time spent naked versus the time spent clothed. Who is with me?

[Click to enlarge, thank me later.]

A little bit of water doesn’t seem so bad now, does it? Happy Monday, kittens.

My Weekend Crush

Now, I don’t want this taken the wrong way. Dakota Fanning is 15. That’s a 1 and a 5 and that is way too young for any kind of funny business whatsoever. This is not that kind of crush, so banish the thought. Banish. Instead I’m just enormously impressed with this wee lass who we’ve watched go from an adorably precocious tyke to an impressively precocious teenager. It’s refreshing to see someone grow up without the seemingly requisite starlet drama. And now as she is poised to step into the high-heeled boots of Cherie Currie in “The Runaways,” I’m flat-out floored. We already know that Dakota, Kristen and company certainly look the part. But I still I had plenty of doubts about fresh-faced Dakota donning a bustier and cherry bombing her way into rock history as a member of the seminal all-girl band. But after seeing this first clip of her – all attitude and eye rolls – I think she might just make the movie. Look, I know all the gay girls swoon over K-Stew. But biting one’s lower lip does not a Joan Jett make. Not that I’ve given up hope for her to power chord her way to infamy, too. But it’s Dakota who surprises me the most. I know it’s only rock and roll but I think I’m going to like Dakota in it. A lot. Happy weekend, all.

Jane addiction

So Monday’s marathon sleuthing for the identity of Jane Lynch’s date for the Golden Globes (that would be her girlfriend and – sniffle – betrothed, Dr. Lara Embry) only further confirmed what I already knew: I love Jane Lynch. Now, out of respect to her committed relationship, I’m going to downshift that love to a platonic level. Hey, I’m no happy homewrecker (except when it comes to my Tina – given the first opportunity I would totally take out her tiny elf of a husband. Just kidding. Sort of.)

Anyway, this is a round-about way of saying that Jane and her psychologist girlfriend are invited over to the house anytime for Parcheesi and crackers. Besides, after learning these nine things about Jane, I’m convinced it would have never worked out anyway. I save all my greeting cards.

Big girls don’t cry

So, while reading The New York Times coverage of the Golden Globes I learned two things: 1) Christina Hendricks is a “big girl.” And 2) Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson and Courteney Cox have “put on a little weight,” particularly in their “upper arms.” It’s moments like this when I’m certain a forehead-sized dent will appear on my desk from all the times my head keeps hitting it with frustration.

The former was in a critique of Christina’s dress (“You don’t put a big girl in a big dress.”), which I thought it looked lovely – all delightful peach against the delicious cream of her skin. And the latter was in a back-handed compliment about some actresses’ supposed weight gain with the headline: “Now Scrutinizing – A Rounder Globes.” Oy. [EDIT: Both posts were sadly written by women. Double oy.]

The Christina item also first ran with a distorted photo that – surprise, surprise – made Christina look more squat. The post now runs with an editor’s note saying the photo was “slightly distorted inadvertently due to an error during routine processing” and has since been replaced. Funny how that “error during routine processing” didn’t stretch her to look skinnier instead.

Look, I’m not sure in what universe Christina is a “big girl.” Yes, portions of her body are large – two in particular. But being curvaceous does not equal big. It’s like when Jennifer Lopez was being called full-figured just because she had an ass. This is the deranged looking glass of the beauty business.

Same goes for the Jennifer/Kate/Courteney arms race. Instead of just celebrating what the author perceives as their new, somewhat heavier physiques, the blurb makes sure to call them round both in the title and the story. Just imagine if they’d used the word “healthier” instead of “rounder.” Also, man, I’d kill for fat upper arms like theirs.

I guess what bugs me about these stories the most is that publications still feel it’s standard practice to comment on women’s shapes and sizes. I don’t recall any Globes fashion pieces commenting on “pudgy Ricky Gervais” or “bloated-faced Gerard Butler.” If a guy puts on weight, it’s unspoken. When a woman does, it’s just open season. It’s just so...tiring.

Though, I guess I should really thank the NYT. Because without their, shall we say, weighty commentary, I wouldn’t get to post more pictures of the Christina. And that, for me, really is big.

Tank Top Tuesday

Finally, the first Tank Top Tuesday of the year. Bet you thought I was holding out on you. But, like with every first of a new year – let alone decade – I wanted to make sure I made it count. So today features only T3 first-timers. No repeat performers, just newbies in all their clingy, sleevless goodness. How I’ve managed to not post pictures of these beautiful women in tank tops for this long is quite possibly a crime. But, regardless, they’re in now. And as the lovely, not at all reptilian, completely take me to your leader worthy Morena Baccarin will attest, they’re all well worth the wait.

Alyssa MilanoLast week Alyssa challenged corporations to match her $50,000 donation to Haitian earthquake relief efforts. Who’s the boss now?

Kerry WashingtonKerry and Kristin Chenoweth might make out soon for the biopic of Dusty Springfield. Sons of a preacher man have got nothing on her.

Patricia ClarksonI love her. I hate myself for not posting her sooner.

Christina CoxNow we know why astronauts get all the girls: tank tops. And you thought it was the Tang.

Nina DobrevI swear to Buffy, “The Vampire Diaries” is good. Not Buffy good, of course, but good.

Lea MicheleThat’s an awfully silly thing to do to a tank top. Not that I’m necessarily complaining.

Ruby RoseGod bless Twitpics.

Elizabeth Banks

I’m sorry, were we talking about something? I seem to have lost my train of thoug…

SGALGG: Golden Globes Edition

Award season means one thing. No, not a run on seaweed wraps and protein shakes in the greater Los Angeles area. It means its SGALGG time. And thanks to its free-flowing alcohol, the Golden Globes are usually an excellent breeding ground for Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals behavior. Consider it SGALGGGG. Let Lea Michele, Jenna Ushkowitz and Dianna Agron will show everyone how it’s done.

Jeanne Tripplehorn & Drew BarrymoreI think Drew is confused about how to give a proper hickey.

Mo’Nique & Nicole KidmanIn my head, Mo’Nique has made a filthy proposition to Nicole and Nicole is, well, seriously considering it.

Anna Paquin & Deborah Ann WollNow if Sookie and Jessica were an item instead of boring old Bill, maybe I’d watch “True Blood.”

Suzy Amis & Sigourney WeaverYou do not know how much I wish Sigourney would put her arm around me like that.

Amy Poehler & Tina FeyTheir shows didn’t win anything. So I’ll let Amy comfort my wife in special, private ways for the night.

Leslie Bibb & Molly SimmsEither a SGALGG moment or the beginning of Hands Across America.

Lisa Edelstein & Olivia WildeLisa is totally giving Olivia a fuck me face. Can you blame her?

Olivia Wilde & unknown guestI commend this lady’s desperate attempts to get SGALGGy with Olivia. Can you blame her?

Naya Rivera & Heather MorrisBrittana lives!

BONUS: Critics’ Choice Movie Awards SGALGG

Meryl Streep & Sandra Bullock
Kissing it out is the new hugging it out. Pass it on.

p.s. Anyone know who that lady was who was part of a very GGALGG moment with Jane Lynch at the Golden Globes? Inquiring lesbians want to know.

UPDATE: Mystery solved! Though no small amount of stalking sleuthing, I (with help from an army of nosy lesbians) was able to discover that Jane Lynch did indeed bring her girlfriend, Lara Embry, to the Golden Globes, kissed her girlfriend when Glee won and plans to wed her girlfriend in May. Mazel tov, ladies. [Hat tip, Andrea, Jst_a_Grrl, Rachel and — of course — The Linster!]