Bloody L

As information about the final season of “The L Word” and its online spinoff leak out, I have just one question. Why? Seriously, why? Why murder? Why prison? Why so cheesy? Why, why, why?

Now, at first I was hoping this whole killer thing was just a tease. As in, “Ha, ha. You thought someone would actually die? Nah, it's just killer material. Get it? Oh, stop cringing, we wanted to make sure you'd watch.” But no. We should be so lucky. Mama Chaiken is, indeed, deadly serious. Or, perhaps just dead crazy.

Yep, that's right. Someone gets killed. Someone gets blamed. And it all apparently happens in the first two minutes. I guess they're adhering to the quick-like-a-bandage approach for bad news. But, seriously, murder? I mean, I know TLW is a soap opera, but did they really have to resort to murder? What's next? Comas? Evil twins? Switched at birth?

It all makes my head hurt. While admittedly I enjoy watching crime procedurals, I never ever thought that the only my favorite lesbian drama would turn into one. A murder mystery is decidedly not how I wanted the final season of TLW to go down.

And, speaking of going down, can we please talk about that poster's tagline. Going down in history? Really? Really, Showtime? Of all the taglines you could have picked for a lesbian show and you pick “Going down in history?” So, it's because it's the last season before it's “history”? Or, wait, it's because lesbians “go down” on each other? God, you're so clever. Give your entire PR department a raise. They deserve it. Who else could think of something so genius? While we're on the topic of genius, my good friend StuntDouble wants to audition for your promotions department. Clearly, you should hire her immediately.

Heck, we haven't even touched the great disembodied head snogfest in the poster. So many questions, so few answers.

Yeah, I don't know either.

As if murder and bad puns for lesbian sex weren't enough, now comes potential details on the spin-off featuring Leisha Hailey, via The L Word Online. It will be “Possibly set in a prison. Possibly set in London.” Whaaaa? How did Alice get herself thrown into British jail? Wait, Helena is British. Does she kill Helena? In England? It's like Lesbian Clue. It was Alice in Trafalgar Square with the strap-on. As for it being in prison, I guess we all knew Mama Chaiken has a thing for jail house rocking of worlds thanks to the two behind-bars sex scenes we've been treated to over the years. But to take the whole spin-off to prison, well, that's just getting brazen with your fetish.

Speaking of Leisha, hat tip to tunedout47 for noticing a striking and unexpected resemblance. “Electric Youth” anyone?

Though, now that OurChart.com is calling it quits (yes, I know they say they haven't, but it's hard to survive without a staff and new content), where will this killer TLW spin-off launch, anyway? The whole thing is just...blerg. I tune in for hot women shagging stimulating lesbian discourse, not “CSI: Labia.”