Nip/Tuck gets lez jobs

Rosie O’Donnell and Portia de Rossi will both have recurring roles the fifth season of the FX drama Nip/Tuck. Geez, perhaps they should rename the show Lez/Tuck. Portia makes her return to prime time as -- wait for it, wait for it -- a lesbian! Wow, the casting director really broke the mold on that one. Actually, she will play a “manipulative lesbian mother whose teen daughter wants to have plastic surgery.” A manipulative lesbian mother? Is that the latest in “crazy mother” chic? Does this mean that stage moms and cheerleader moms are now officially over?

As for Rosie’s role, she will reprise her turn as lottery winner Dawn Budge (who memorably got it on with Christian…and by “memorably” I mean “forever painfully seared onto my retinas”). Word is she won’t say a word when she returns:

“Rosie will come to Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy for a procedure where she will end up having to have her mouth sewn shut! She's forced to communicates with them through a dry erase board.”

Wait, did Bill O’Reilly write this script? In other (more verbal) Rosie news, the comic won’t be telling folks to “Come on down!” anytime soon. After saying she wanted to hold Bob Barker’s mic, Rosie decided the price of uprooting her family to L.A. was wrong and nixed her campaign to host “The Price is Right.” Oh, and despite what the NYT says, View ratings are down since Ro left. Some 400,000 viewers down. File that one under “Duh.”