We Welcome Our New Alien Overlords

Dear Intergalactic Neighbors:

Yoo-hoo! Hello. Down here. Look, I realize Earth might not be the most appealing prospect right now. Humankind has, once again, gone and made a self-inflicted mess of things. Turns out we’re stunning bad at this whole being in charge of the planet stuff. We keep doing dumb, ridiculous, horrible things to ourselves – and on purpose.

But, here’s the thing, if there was ever a time for benevolent beings from another world to come visit – now would be the time. It’s clear we’re not fit to drive this bus. So if you feel like taking the keys away, we will understand. Really, it’s for our own good. Take us to your leader, she/he/it/them/Zod has to be better than what we have coming.

The time is ripe to active some of your deep operatives living among us. I promise, we will not resist. Yes, I have my strong suspicions about who some of them are (not naming names, but cough Tilda, cough). You have assimilated well. Perhaps you’ve even grown a little fond of us and our quaint provincial mannerisms. I get it, some of us are kinda cute, in spite of ourselves. Still I know deep down you must be continually appalled by our seemingly arbitrary squabbles and seemingly endless capacity for cruelty.



Granted, some of you clearly saw this whole catastrophe coming, since you called so many of your undercover agents back earlier this year before it could all go to hell. You know – David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman.

I’d be angry and shake my fist at the inky black sky for leaving us all alone here, if I didn’t envy your ability to slip the surly bonds of Earth and escape this madness.

Right, so as I was saying, we’re more than ready for our new alien overlords. And, if you would rather not be responsible for all of us on this crazy blue marble (your silence so far clearly indicates our continual status as uninvited guest to the universal block party), we would at least love some serious guidance. So come on down. Though, if you want this handover to go smoothly with as little collateral damage as possible, I suggest you get here before that rotting hate pumpkin gets the nuclear codes. He will, undoubtedly, launch them at you and anyone else who insults him on Twitter. And there’s no much use coming to rescue a bunch of vapor and dust.

Well, thanks for at least listening. You may decide we’re hopeless – many have already. But if you can see it in your heart – or whatever organ/organs govern your sense of goodwill and mercy – please save us form ourselves. We don’t deserve it, but goodness do we need it.

Yours,
The People of Earth
(Well, at least 47.8% of us Americans - and counting)

p.s. We understand there will probably be probing. We only ask we get to pick our probers.