Golden gals

Man, I miss the Olympics. It’s not just the amazing abs and the bulging biceps and the spectacular specimens of human evolution that I miss. OK, sure, I do miss those. A lot. So much. Sigh. But what I miss the most if the showcase this year’s Olympic Games gave to female athletes. This was the first time every single country fielded female athletes. This was the first time the United States had more female athletes than male. And this was the first time the U.S. women won nearly twice as many medals – 100 to 59 – than men. And our women also won more gold medals than all but two total countries. Yeah, ladies kicked ass. So in this unsettling time when once again a lot of men are talking about what’s good/right/biologically possible for women, let’s look back and remind ourselves how phenomenal we really are. In days like these we should all take a cue from Carmelita Jeter of the gold-winning and world record-breaking U.S. women’s 4x100m relay team and point it out to those who simply can’t see. We are women, we are golden. Don’t you fucking forget it.

A few more golden gals from the 2012 London Olympic Games (click any and all to embiggen):

Jessica Ennis, Great Britain, heptathlon, gold

She made millions of lesbians Google “heptathlon” in hopes learning the secrets to six-pack abs.

Lisa Carrington, New Zealand, canoe, gold

She makes me want to row, row, row something – and not a boat.

Jong Sim Rim, North Korea, weightlifting, gold

She weighs about 140 pounds and lifted a combined 575 pounds. Respect.

Missy Franklin, U.S., swimming, four golds

She is just 17. Can’t wait until Rio.

Sue Bird, US, basketball, gold

She gets bonus points for being guarded by French player Celine Dumerc and her alternative lifestyle haircut.

Ning Ding, China, table tennis, gold

She probably won by more than a nose. But, you know I can never resist the easy joke.

Sally Pearson, Australia, 100m hurdles, gold

She actually did win by about a nose – well, chest. Ahem.

Aly Raisman, U.S., gymnastics, two golds

She even impressed McKayla.

Jennifer Suhr, U.S., pole vault, gold

She showed Superman what up, up and away really looks like.

Kaori Icho, Japan, freestyle wrestling, gold

She won the gold for the third consecutive time in the Olympics – corn rows and all.

Claressa Shields, U.S., middle weight boxing, gold

She was the only American boxer to win gold – male or female. Million dollar that, baby.

Laura Asadauskaite, Lithuania, pentathlon, gold

She can even shoot with her eyes closed, apparently

Carlien Dirkse van den Heuvel, Maartje Paumen & Eva De Goede, Netherlands, field hockey, gold

Carlien and Maartje scored the winning goals for the Netherlands. And they’re also the Dutch team’s out lesbian couple. They’re what I call a big, gay two-fer.

Norwegian Handball Team, gold

Fine, I also really, really miss all their abs.