So far as PETA are concerned, I tend to keep a wide berth from that lot...
Incidentally Snarks darling, don’t you think Moore looks splendidly convincing as Palin in that upcoming film?! Good God, from what I’ve seen she’s almost as ravishing as the real thing! (Although, I bet she’s nowhere near as good a shot! :) )
Hello again darlings! Did you have a nice Christmas? I *certainly* did, but I have been warned off from so much as even *whispering* about it.
In the wake of my last dispatch I have received a veritable deluge of (on the whole) politely inquisitive little messages. # I believe also that the Internet has been absolutely humming with speculation. What everyone wants to know it seems, is precisely which “ball park” Snarks and I fall into age wise. (How damned shallow of you darlings!) Not wanting to put any kind of a dampener on the marriage proposals, I thought it best that I address the issue forthwith.
After all, unlike that unfortunate Hargitay woman say, Snarks and I have *nothing* whatsoever to hide! Right Snarks?! Snarks..?
No, we have nothing to hide! We are *out* and *proud*! *Right* Snarks?!!!
*Googling*
Hmm, perhaps not quite so ‘out and proud’ as I had thought? Snarks, don’t tell me you are *still* having your NSA chums “take care of the dirty laundry”?! Darling, *why*?! It’s almost 2012 for God’s sake! We have *nothing whatsoever* to be ashamed of!!! Snarks, for your own good as well as mine, I am going to tell the readers! Trust me darling; in the long run you *will* thank me.
Darlings, should we adjourn momentarily for a large Dubonnet & gin?
Right, here goes! Snarks and I… Snarks and I… (You were right Snarks darling; this is proving *much* harder than I had thought.)
*Deep breath and then out with it*
We were bronzed darlings.
There. Happy now?! Will that put an end to all that pointless ‘L Chat’ nonsense?! (Probably not. :) ) “Vampires”, “time machines”, “Paul McCartney-ed”?! Ha! Ha! :D Although my personal favourite was; “grannies on acid”! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :D Mind you, those poor darlings think anyone over the age of 23 is a “granny”! Darlings, you have a *lot* to learn! ;)
Why were we bronzed? In a nutshell, those Rothschild bounders decided that our respective journalistic approaches were “out of synch with the agenda”. I haven’t the foggiest either darlings!!! A nice pal of mine reckoned it must have meant we were just too far ahead of the time for their Neanderthal tastes. Although, a less charitable colleague did once tell me (in rather forceful terms mark you!) that in her view they most likely deemed us “too damned pervy even for the ‘Sexual Revolution’!!!” You make your own judgements darlings. Quite frankly, I no longer care. I am only glad I was paroled in 1994! I cannot tell you when dear Snarks got out, you’d have to ask her. (I should caution you though darlings, it is considered most impolite to ask a lady when she was de-bronzed.)
Believe me darlings; it is not at all like they would have you believe on ‘Warehouse 13’! (Typical bloody Hollywood! ‘Bronze Sector’?! What a sick bloody joke!!!) No darlings, it is much much worse than what they show you on television! I suppose, to be fair, it is a ‘family’ show.
Darlings, you go into that bloody bronzer stark naked! While those perverted little Illuminati villains with their infantile sixth form senses of ‘humour’, pose you as the whim takes them! Imagine, if you will, the nightmarish scenario of ancient Greece being ‘styled’ by people who gorge themselves on the likes of ‘Family Guy’! Most unpleasant! In some respects Snarks faired the better of the two of us. She became a surprisingly tasteful ‘Nymph at Play’. You know those Illuminati bastards though – just when you think you’ve managed to out fox them, they get you with an ingeniously positioned trap door or a hit man in the airing cupboard! (And to think you Illuminati idiots actually thought he jumped off the Severn Bridge?! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :D )
Anyway, Snarks became a sweet little nymph. The shock right hook to the (all seeing) eye came in the form of an extended stay in Central Park. (Enter by the south gate and follow the main path north. They put her under the big oak tree next to the second duck pond on the left.) Yes darlings. Screaming urchins by day! Junkies by night! Poor poor Snarks. Imagine the torment! Pigeons relieving themselves on your head! Dogs relieving themselves against your leg! Junkies… Actually, I think I’d rather not say what poor Snarks had to endure from those ruddy junkies. (Tragically, no, she wasn’t anywhere near any of the main hooker thoroughfares.) Then there were the brutal winters! Darlings, bronze provides little if any insulation from the cold!
In case you have cause to doubt what I am relating (darlings!!!), you may of course verify the sorry tale for yourselves. ‘Kramer vs Kramer’, I think she was in that? (Blink and you’ll miss her though!) Wait! Didn’t Diane Keaton strike a match against her thigh in ‘Annie Hall’? Perhaps that ended up on the cutting room floor? Bloody travesty if it did! It is an awfully nice thigh darlings… :)
These days poor darling Snarks is only able to “cope” with “humane” climates like that of California. She also has a bit of thing against pigeons and stray dogs I’m afraid. A word to the wise: Do *not* let your dog off its lead or your homing pigeon out of its loft if Snarks and her twelve bore are anywhere within the vicinity! If they are the overly boisterous types, your children may not be safe either?! Incidentally, I hope this finally puts an end to all that cruel gossip regarding Snarks’ “suspicious generosity” towards drug rehabilitation charities!
Regarding myself, well, I am more than a little embarrassed to admit that I had to endure nigh on 20 years of utter humiliation as a consequence of coming out of that damn bronzer on *all fours*! Worse still; my poor back was ruined! Ruined I say! (You cannot imagine some of the funny looks I’ve had from sympathetic chiropractors over the years! :) ) I was sold to a Hollywood mogul (who must remain nameless) as a “genuine original Dalí coffee table”. At a “knockdown” price too I might add. Damned cheek!
Darlings, I had a ‘ring side seat’ at some of the most jaw dropping (doesn’t half play havoc on the old jaw when you’re stuck in bloody bronze!) showbiz orgies and general displays of debauchery this side of ancient Rome! I say darlings, Dante and his ‘Inferno’ had *nothing* on those criminals! I suppose, to be fair, there were (very occasionally) moments of genuine splendour amongst the unimaginable filth and depravity. Suffice it to say though; it is not only Vietnam flashbacks I suffer from!
As well as the flashbacks and bad back, I am cursed with *severe* aversions to lava lamps, pizza and cocaine. Quite unexpectedly I did develop something of fondness for feet though. Minds out of the gutter darlings! The only feet I am interested in fall into the ‘high maintenance’ bracket. You know, the ones that have $1000 pedicures lavished on them? Incidentally, Ms Murray has lovely feet doesn’t she darlings? “A smidgen on the large side though PD, would you not say?” Heavens NO!!! They are lovely… Lovely… How I wish she had been in Hollywood during my ‘bronze years’! How my poor abused back would so have appreciated the exquisitely sensual relief brought by her- *Cough ahem* Crashing on!
I have to admit though there are a few advantages to being bronzed darlings. All my old friends are on their second or third round of plastic surgery. They positively bristle with envy over how well I have aged! :) And just think darlings; I never had to suffer the horrific indignity of shoulder pads or an 80’s perm! :D Finally, and most importantly, I will *never* have to worry about money! Those cheques from Hollywood will roll in until the day I die! Blackmail? I much prefer ‘friendly extortion’ – so much more polite. Darlings, some of the things I could tell you would make your hair stand on end! :D No, you bloody ‘L Chat’ delinquents I am *not* going to “toss you a damn bone”! (Where would that leave me financially?!) Feel free to guess away to your heart’s content though darlings! (Although, I do think you could put your time to *far* better use!)
So you see darlings, there is another reason why Snarks and I adore ‘Warehouse 13’. A profoundly *personal* reason. As many of you know, it can be most cathartic to *finally* see your own sorry tale of adversity up there on the small screen (even if it has been grossly sanitised). The importance of the HG Wells character cannot be overstated. Representation *is* important. And what a gloriously *sexy* representation it is too eh darlings?!!! ;)
PD
PS # To the authors of the three ‘death threats’ (Ha! Ha!) I received – so none of you have *ever* been the teensiest the worse for your mulled wine then?! I’m sorry, I don’t bloody believe you!!! The fact that you even put pen to paper (or in that memorable case, crayon to Chinese takeaway menu) over such a trifling little incident proves you are not worthy of even *this* response! Quite frankly, I found the three of you to be puritanical unconscionable imbecilic swines of the highest order! Good God, one would have thought you could have at least taken the time to check the spelling of ‘degenerate’ and ‘pervert’?! Good day to you, you pathetic fools!!!
To those who thought that in places my last dispatch veered ever so slightly towards maladroit extravagance. Reluctantly I have to admit I am inclined to agree with you. Won’t happen again darlings!
PPS Sarah Warn? Yes, they bronzed her too. (Why the hell do you think she had Whedon name that accursed little fleapit of a club in ‘Buffy’, ‘The Bronze’?! The poor thing had only just got out and it was *all* she could think about! Erm… Terribly terribly sorry about that Sarah darling! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me???) Sadly darlings, I am sworn to *secrecy* as to what exactly it was she did that sealed her fate. (I can however say this; it had *nothing whatsoever* to do with her performance in ‘The Fox’.)
I know it’s pretty un-PETA of me, but I just love the way skin looks against leather.
hubba hubba! thank you for this image ms Snarker!
ReplyDeleteWhile I always liked JM, I noticed her in 'End of the affair'. I think I may have bawled my eyes out during that movie. A very bankable star I think.
ReplyDeleteHot ginger fire action! Love it!
ReplyDelete“I just love the way skin looks against leather.”
ReplyDeleteI could not agree more Snarks!
So far as PETA are concerned, I tend to keep a wide berth from that lot...
Incidentally Snarks darling, don’t you think Moore looks splendidly convincing as Palin in that upcoming film?! Good God, from what I’ve seen she’s almost as ravishing as the real thing! (Although, I bet she’s nowhere near as good a shot! :) )
PD
Hello again darlings! Did you have a nice Christmas? I *certainly* did, but I have been warned off from so much as even *whispering* about it.
ReplyDeleteIn the wake of my last dispatch I have received a veritable deluge of (on the whole) politely inquisitive little messages. # I believe also that the Internet has been absolutely humming with speculation. What everyone wants to know it seems, is precisely which “ball park” Snarks and I fall into age wise. (How damned shallow of you darlings!) Not wanting to put any kind of a dampener on the marriage proposals, I thought it best that I address the issue forthwith.
After all, unlike that unfortunate Hargitay woman say, Snarks and I have *nothing* whatsoever to hide! Right Snarks?! Snarks..?
No, we have nothing to hide! We are *out* and *proud*! *Right* Snarks?!!!
*Googling*
Hmm, perhaps not quite so ‘out and proud’ as I had thought? Snarks, don’t tell me you are *still* having your NSA chums “take care of the dirty laundry”?! Darling, *why*?! It’s almost 2012 for God’s sake! We have *nothing whatsoever* to be ashamed of!!! Snarks, for your own good as well as mine, I am going to tell the readers! Trust me darling; in the long run you *will* thank me.
Darlings, should we adjourn momentarily for a large Dubonnet & gin?
Right, here goes! Snarks and I… Snarks and I… (You were right Snarks darling; this is proving *much* harder than I had thought.)
*Deep breath and then out with it*
We were bronzed darlings.
There. Happy now?! Will that put an end to all that pointless ‘L Chat’ nonsense?! (Probably not. :) ) “Vampires”, “time machines”, “Paul McCartney-ed”?! Ha! Ha! :D Although my personal favourite was; “grannies on acid”! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :D Mind you, those poor darlings think anyone over the age of 23 is a “granny”! Darlings, you have a *lot* to learn! ;)
Why were we bronzed? In a nutshell, those Rothschild bounders decided that our respective journalistic approaches were “out of synch with the agenda”. I haven’t the foggiest either darlings!!! A nice pal of mine reckoned it must have meant we were just too far ahead of the time for their Neanderthal tastes. Although, a less charitable colleague did once tell me (in rather forceful terms mark you!) that in her view they most likely deemed us “too damned pervy even for the ‘Sexual Revolution’!!!” You make your own judgements darlings. Quite frankly, I no longer care. I am only glad I was paroled in 1994! I cannot tell you when dear Snarks got out, you’d have to ask her. (I should caution you though darlings, it is considered most impolite to ask a lady when she was de-bronzed.)
Believe me darlings; it is not at all like they would have you believe on ‘Warehouse 13’! (Typical bloody Hollywood! ‘Bronze Sector’?! What a sick bloody joke!!!) No darlings, it is much much worse than what they show you on television! I suppose, to be fair, it is a ‘family’ show.
Darlings, you go into that bloody bronzer stark naked! While those perverted little Illuminati villains with their infantile sixth form senses of ‘humour’, pose you as the whim takes them! Imagine, if you will, the nightmarish scenario of ancient Greece being ‘styled’ by people who gorge themselves on the likes of ‘Family Guy’! Most unpleasant! In some respects Snarks faired the better of the two of us. She became a surprisingly tasteful ‘Nymph at Play’. You know those Illuminati bastards though – just when you think you’ve managed to out fox them, they get you with an ingeniously positioned trap door or a hit man in the airing cupboard! (And to think you Illuminati idiots actually thought he jumped off the Severn Bridge?! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! :D )
Anyway, Snarks became a sweet little nymph. The shock right hook to the (all seeing) eye came in the form of an extended stay in Central Park. (Enter by the south gate and follow the main path north. They put her under the big oak tree next to the second duck pond on the left.) Yes darlings. Screaming urchins by day! Junkies by night! Poor poor Snarks. Imagine the torment! Pigeons relieving themselves on your head! Dogs relieving themselves against your leg! Junkies… Actually, I think I’d rather not say what poor Snarks had to endure from those ruddy junkies. (Tragically, no, she wasn’t anywhere near any of the main hooker thoroughfares.) Then there were the brutal winters! Darlings, bronze provides little if any insulation from the cold!
ReplyDeleteIn case you have cause to doubt what I am relating (darlings!!!), you may of course verify the sorry tale for yourselves. ‘Kramer vs Kramer’, I think she was in that? (Blink and you’ll miss her though!) Wait! Didn’t Diane Keaton strike a match against her thigh in ‘Annie Hall’? Perhaps that ended up on the cutting room floor? Bloody travesty if it did! It is an awfully nice thigh darlings… :)
These days poor darling Snarks is only able to “cope” with “humane” climates like that of California. She also has a bit of thing against pigeons and stray dogs I’m afraid. A word to the wise: Do *not* let your dog off its lead or your homing pigeon out of its loft if Snarks and her twelve bore are anywhere within the vicinity! If they are the overly boisterous types, your children may not be safe either?! Incidentally, I hope this finally puts an end to all that cruel gossip regarding Snarks’ “suspicious generosity” towards drug rehabilitation charities!
Regarding myself, well, I am more than a little embarrassed to admit that I had to endure nigh on 20 years of utter humiliation as a consequence of coming out of that damn bronzer on *all fours*! Worse still; my poor back was ruined! Ruined I say! (You cannot imagine some of the funny looks I’ve had from sympathetic chiropractors over the years! :) ) I was sold to a Hollywood mogul (who must remain nameless) as a “genuine original Dalí coffee table”. At a “knockdown” price too I might add. Damned cheek!
Darlings, I had a ‘ring side seat’ at some of the most jaw dropping (doesn’t half play havoc on the old jaw when you’re stuck in bloody bronze!) showbiz orgies and general displays of debauchery this side of ancient Rome! I say darlings, Dante and his ‘Inferno’ had *nothing* on those criminals! I suppose, to be fair, there were (very occasionally) moments of genuine splendour amongst the unimaginable filth and depravity. Suffice it to say though; it is not only Vietnam flashbacks I suffer from!
As well as the flashbacks and bad back, I am cursed with *severe* aversions to lava lamps, pizza and cocaine. Quite unexpectedly I did develop something of fondness for feet though. Minds out of the gutter darlings! The only feet I am interested in fall into the ‘high maintenance’ bracket. You know, the ones that have $1000 pedicures lavished on them? Incidentally, Ms Murray has lovely feet doesn’t she darlings? “A smidgen on the large side though PD, would you not say?” Heavens NO!!! They are lovely… Lovely… How I wish she had been in Hollywood during my ‘bronze years’! How my poor abused back would so have appreciated the exquisitely sensual relief brought by her- *Cough ahem* Crashing on!
I have to admit though there are a few advantages to being bronzed darlings. All my old friends are on their second or third round of plastic surgery. They positively bristle with envy over how well I have aged! :) And just think darlings; I never had to suffer the horrific indignity of shoulder pads or an 80’s perm! :D Finally, and most importantly, I will *never* have to worry about money! Those cheques from Hollywood will roll in until the day I die! Blackmail? I much prefer ‘friendly extortion’ – so much more polite. Darlings, some of the things I could tell you would make your hair stand on end! :D No, you bloody ‘L Chat’ delinquents I am *not* going to “toss you a damn bone”! (Where would that leave me financially?!) Feel free to guess away to your heart’s content though darlings! (Although, I do think you could put your time to *far* better use!)
ReplyDeleteSo you see darlings, there is another reason why Snarks and I adore ‘Warehouse 13’. A profoundly *personal* reason. As many of you know, it can be most cathartic to *finally* see your own sorry tale of adversity up there on the small screen (even if it has been grossly sanitised). The importance of the HG Wells character cannot be overstated. Representation *is* important. And what a gloriously *sexy* representation it is too eh darlings?!!! ;)
PD
PS # To the authors of the three ‘death threats’ (Ha! Ha!) I received – so none of you have *ever* been the teensiest the worse for your mulled wine then?! I’m sorry, I don’t bloody believe you!!! The fact that you even put pen to paper (or in that memorable case, crayon to Chinese takeaway menu) over such a trifling little incident proves you are not worthy of even *this* response! Quite frankly, I found the three of you to be puritanical unconscionable imbecilic swines of the highest order! Good God, one would have thought you could have at least taken the time to check the spelling of ‘degenerate’ and ‘pervert’?! Good day to you, you pathetic fools!!!
To those who thought that in places my last dispatch veered ever so slightly towards maladroit extravagance. Reluctantly I have to admit I am inclined to agree with you. Won’t happen again darlings!
PPS Sarah Warn? Yes, they bronzed her too. (Why the hell do you think she had Whedon name that accursed little fleapit of a club in ‘Buffy’, ‘The Bronze’?! The poor thing had only just got out and it was *all* she could think about! Erm… Terribly terribly sorry about that Sarah darling! Can you find it in your heart to forgive me???) Sadly darlings, I am sworn to *secrecy* as to what exactly it was she did that sealed her fate. (I can however say this; it had *nothing whatsoever* to do with her performance in ‘The Fox’.)
Freckles make me melt. Literally.
ReplyDeleteAdd to that red hair and I'm a puddle of incoherent thoughts.
'I just love the way skin looks against leather' - ummm, leather's also skin, but freckles is nicer. and no, I'm not a vegan. Happy holidays!!
ReplyDelete