How about them apples?

WARNING: Major “Warehouse 13” finale spoilers. If you haven’t watched yet, good gravy, hurry because it’s pretty fucking epic.

Right, so let’s get this out of the way immediately. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Jagged sobs. Unrepentant sniffles. Sad panda is sad. I mean, I knew they would probably kill HG – I knew it. This season was her really her redemption story. Try to destroy the world one year, then sacrifice yourself to save it the next. It’s such a tidy character resolution it almost comes gift wrapped with a bow. But then they actually did it. And it was both horrible and heroic. Perfect and perfectly awful. Having HG Wells and the fabulous Jaime Murray back, even if just for the finale, added so much snap and crackle to the show. It’s truly undeniable. And my God, the subtext, The Subtext. All those longing looks. All those stolen moments. All those accidentally getting tied up together in kinky bondage situations at the most inopportune times.

Look, I’m all for the grand romantic gestures. But in this case I would have happily taken a little less grand gesture and a little more romantic. I mean, you know I love subtext. I LOVE it. But the HG and Myka storyline has been maintext pretending to be subtext, but not quite brave enough to come out of the closet all season. Subtext is a nod and a wink and a wouldn’t it be funny/better if... Maintext is HG and Myka are totally in love yet even at the very end, weren’t strong enough to say it out loud. And that’s disappointing. Seriously, to get their lips this close together and not have them kiss? That’s just…mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought the finale was pretty amazing. But if that really is the last we see of HG (unless she gets her own prequel spin-off or Artie’s pocket watch can do a hell of a lot more than tell time), then I wish the writers had had the courage of their big gay convictions. Why not let HG mouth “I love you” to Myka instead? They sure danced around the subject. It was like a game of “How many ways can HG and Myka say ‘I love you’ without saying ‘I love you.’” Myka saying the price was too high to kill HG. HG saying Myka is the one person who knows her better than anyone else. HG sacrificing herself to save Myka. Trust me when she said “It was the only way I could think to save you,” she wasn’t talking about Pete and Artie. From now on, “I smell apples” is the new “I love you.” So there.

I know this show is gay friendly. It has gay writers. It has gay sensibility. It flashes gay rainbow flags on screen whenever possible (like on a GSA flyer on Emily Lake’s classroom bulletin board). Gay gay gayity gay gay. But then it goes and kills its only two self-defined gay characters in HG and Jinks? I know their sacrifices served the stories well but, come on – don’t go breaking my heart like that, “Warehouse 13.”

Dammit, Artie, that pocket watch better fix this. Because a world without HG isn’t exactly a world I’m thrilled to have just seen saved. Oh, HG, you can’t be gone because all Myka does when she sees you is smell apples.

p.s. I’d watch the hell out of “Wells & Bering” or “Bering & Wells.”
p.p.s. I would like to thank Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly for softening the blow of last night’s finale by posing for this picture. A grateful universe thanks you. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’ve got to go pass out, forever.