Frakking-A

Here’s the thing, I don’t watch “Battlestar Galactica.” Like, at all. Like, ever. No kidding, I haven’t watched even one episode. It’s not that I’m not interested. Outer space. Killer robots. Tough chicks. Heck, what’s not to like? And it’s not like I haven’t already been told by a million folks what a frakking idiot I am for not watching. But it’s just that with three seasons already in the bag and the final one about to start, I simply don’t have the time to catch up. And the thought of playing all that catch up makes me, quite frankly, really tired. There are a lot of show like BSG I probably would love but never started and now -- unless my amount of free time suddenly, magically multiplies exponentially -- won’t get around to in the near or even not-so-near future. Shows like “Lost.” Shows like “Weeds.” Shows like (don’t throw things at me, ladies) “Bad Girls.”

But I really feel like I’m missing out on something with BSG. And not just because of photoshoots like these. OK, fine -- these photoshoots help.So, my dilemma is this -- how can I catch up? Should I go with Option A: Give up what little sleep I still get and marathon the previous seasons so I can watch along with the new season when it starts Friday (yes, I realize mathematically it’s probably impossible to catch all the way up before Friday). Or Option B: Not bother now and when I finally retire at the Social Security-sanctioned age of 95, catch up via a television chip implant which by that time will be as outdated as the 8-track is today but, whatever, I’m an old bitty (’cause I’m also small) biddy and I don’t need that new-fangled stuff.

Or, I perhaps I should just go with Option C: Watch “Battlestar Galactica in 8 Minutes” and then be all set.

Recap’s on

[Click Padma for a hearty serving of Top Chef.]

My Weekend Crush

The internet is, let’s be perfectly honest, not necessarily known for its great writing. Bad spelling? Oh, yes. Atrocious grammar? To be sure. Fanatical blowhards? I think it actually spawns them. But you have to really want it to find great writing. So once you find it, it’s like the clouds open. This, this is what I’ve been searching for. Halle-fucking-llujah!

I remember searching, largely in vain, years and years ago for that ever-elusive great writing when I stumbled back upon a website I visited occasionally called AfterEllen. I had read its articles before but this was something different. This writer, this Scribegrrrl, was recapping this new show about lesbians. I was, of course, watching said show and psychoanalyzing its every twist and turn in my own head. And here was this writer who was so funny and so smart and so insightful and so very gay doing the exact same thing. It was, in short, a revelation.

As the season wore on I kept coming back, week after week. The season turned into seasons and I kept coming back, week after week. And week after week, she made me laugh like an idiot. I had to stop reading her recaps in the office because my co-workers kept looking at me funny as I chuckled and chortled myself into a stupor. Meander through her five seasons of L Word archives and practically any page you land on will give you a reason to smile if not outright snort with glee. If anyone ever dares to tell you that lesbians aren’t funny, just point them to Scribe. End of argument. My unabashed writer’s crush would sometimes lapse into full-blown writer’s envy as a particular turn of phrase or exceptionally shrewd insight would send me into fits of both awe and jealousy. Dammit, I wish I’d written that.

Little could I have ever imagined that all these years later not only would I find myself working with Scribe, but -- I’d like to think -- could count her as a friend as well. In our first email exchange, before I was blogging for AfterEllen, Scribe off-handedly said to me “your blog rocks” and I’m pretty sure I actually blushed. It’s rare and wonderful to work for someone whose work you respect so completely.

So her departure from AfterEllen this week (for a fabulous new job) makes me happy for her but terribly sad for me and, really, all of us. Not being able to read her writing day after day seems inconceivable, unbearable even. Do they make a patch for writer withdrawal? Scribe is the reason I first became addicted to AfterEllen. She was, is and will always be the originator of Snark: Lesbian Style. For that, and so much more, I will be eternally grateful. Thanks for the great writing, Scribe. Happy weekend, all.

Post-L: Season 5 in the rearview mirror

It was the philosopher George Santayana who said “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” And, after watching season 5, it is L’impresario Ilene Chaiken who seems to be saying “Those who cannot remember the past will wallow in season after season and even make a movie about it because, seriously, they just can’t let go.” Or, perhaps, something a little shorter like, “Hey, I liked season 1, let’s see that again.”

Whether you’re a Tibette supporter or would like to see them quashed Chinese government-style, you can’t deny that it was their storyline drove whatever small amount of emotional growth there was this season. Everyone else, well, they sort of wound up where back where they were in season one. Alice finds herself falling for someone unexpected. Shane finds herself at the end of another relationship and returning to her lothario ways. Jenny finds herself devastated and deceived. Kit finds herself, uh, well Kit never gets much to do, period.

But I don’t want to kvetch for pages and pages about the enigma of Mama Chaiken’s mind (OK, maybe just a little: Why have Tasha give up her entire career if she and Alice were only going to break up? Why did you have to bring Helena back just to be the moneybags? Why can’t Shane grow as a person, ever?) Instead, how about we put a message in a bottle with our hopes and dreams for the sixth and final season and toss it out to sea in hopes that Big Mama C will find it. Hey, if Jenny could find land on her dinghy, then anything is possible.

Bette and Tina: Slow it down. Way down. What’s this talk of another child? Can’t all three of you just learn to be a family again without adding even more to your plates? Tina wins hands down for “Most Improved” this season from the neck-vein popping disaster she was last year. As for Bette, she could use a little more Alpha, but not a the expense of New Tina. Balance, ladies, balance. Just, please, not another pregnant lesbian storyline. I’m now officially begging.

Alice and Tasha: Well, that went from cutest thing ever to totally doomed in 3.2 seconds flat. I kind of loathe the idea of a “we’re working though our problems” storyline. That said, I definitely want to see Tasha again so they’d better work something out. Regardless, I want my adorable Alice back. Where was she? Something is seriously wrong when Jenny has all of the best lines.

Kit and Max: How about some storylines? Or some lines, period?

Phyllis: I don’t care as long as she keeps bringing Joyce with her.

Jenny: I don’t know how Jenny did it, but I went from thinking she was the bitchiest narcissist on the planet (not to mention in The Planet) to thinking she was the most heartbreaking narcissist on the planet. Next season, I’m sensing, will be about trust for her. Which is all fine and good, but just don’t make her go back to that freaky circus, OK?

Shane: Oh, Fonz. What madness have you wrought? I’m beginning to lose hope. Are you really nothing more than tight jeans and long fingers? When will you learn to think with Big Shane instead of your 10 Little Shanes? Your season will be all about redemption. Yeah, good luck with that.

UPDATE: Some TLW enthusiasts asked me to mention their Save The L Word campaign with accompanying petition. They’ve got some 7,500 signers so far and are encouraging folks to write Showtime president Bob Greenblatt, too. Best to you, ladies.

Alpha ladies

So last night while researching my AfterEllen post, I came to the startling realization that Julia Sugarbaker and Bette Porter could be sisters. OK, not actual fictional sisters because Julia already has Suzanne and Bette already has Kit, among other issues. But in mind, body and spirit, they’re in complete solidarity. I don’t know how I didn’t see the parallels before. Julia is a fierce, fabulous, feminist Southern Belle whose nickname is The Terminator. Bette is a fabulous, fierce, feminist L.A. Woman whose nickname is Alpha Bette. And, if you think about it, Julia is the original Alpha Bette -- the Alpha Julia. Hear them go off on side-by-side rants and the result is a whole lotta woman, in the best possible sense.

Alpha Julia

Alpha Bette

Tank Top Tuesday

Oh, kittens. Ask and ye shall receive. Tank Top Tuesday: The Lena Headey Edition. We’ve got white ones and gray ones and black ones. We’ve got ones under overalls. Ones under vests. Ones layers upon other ones. We’ve got ones with guns and other ones with bigger guns. Can I just say how happy I am that the standard-issue uniform for pre-apocalyptic freedom fighters is a simple ribbed tank top? I think it’s safe to say that Lena is truly, truly, truly tanktastic. Enjoy.
p.s. That last one is Lena with her husband. She’s wearing a white tank top and a vest, how gay is that? Apparently, just as gay as her husband’s fitted midriff-bearing vest. What? I’m just saying.

Cute as a…

Monday mornings are, let’s be blunt, complete crap. Nobody likes them, nobody looks forward to them. Just ask Garfield or the coffee mug on your co-worker’s desk that screams “I hate Mondays!” at you ever time you walk by. So, what better way to ease into your work week than with something sublimely silly. When you have a spare 5 minutes, please allow Miranda July to show you “How to Make a Button.” Watch to the end, it’s worth it.

Something about that just made me smile. Silly. Simple. Surprisingly sweet. If you’re familiar with Miranda, you know the multi-hyphenate (writer-artist-musician-actress-director) is an oddball in the best sense of the word. She is also bisexual, which is really neither here nor there but might account for the cute tie she has on in the video. My exposure to her has been limited mostly to her 2005 debut film “Me and You and Everyone We Know.”

But watching her little instructional video reminded me how much I enjoyed the off-beat and original charm of that film. So I started to poke around and found a link to a website Miranda created last year for her collection of essays, “No One Belongs Here More Than You.” Again, I urge you to click and keep clicking (31 clicks in all) until the end. If you don’t enjoy it, I’ll buy you a ham sandwich.*

They say art, like obscenity, is in the eye of the beholder. Just ask Marcel Duchamp and the world’s most famous urinal. Miranda July makes art and there’s nothing subjective about that. It might not be up your alley, but it is always interesting. And, really, what more can you ask for from a Monday morning?

*Legal Note: Ms. Snarker more than likely won’t actually be able to buy you a ham sandwich. Why? 1) she has about $3 in her wallet and 2) ham sandwiches don’t mail well.

Recap’s on

[Click above for a hearty serving of Padma.]

Pre-L: Loyal and True

L512: “Loyal and True”
I cannot tell you how relieved I am that this is the last time I’ll hear “and looooooove” for the next 12 months. Four years later and I still want to rip off my own ears each time I hear that damn song. Speaking of damned things, how about Mama Chaiken’s title for the finale? Loyal and True? Oh, kiddies, you just know a whole lot of disloyal and untrue is gonna be happening up in here. And with that, please enjoy the last of the girls in tight dresses.

1. Beware serpents bearing forbidden fruit.2. Welcome to the carpool lane of cuteness.3. Well, that’s one way to find out you got the job.4. Is she strapped down to stop her from stealing scenes?5. Hey, Haven’t I Seen This Movie Before I: “High Art”6. Uhm, I hear their dental plan is great?7. Minnie Driver Helena returns!8. One week with Shane and you too could look like a lesbian.9. Glad to see those crazy kids could work it out.10. Someone wishes she had kept that gun.11. Turns out their dental plan was no big whoop.12. Say hello to your crazed lesbian fan base, Alice.13. Adele: Now with even more evil! (Black cigarette of doom sold separately.)14. Lesbians on scooters? Someone alert Cute Overload, again.15. The first gasps of Lesbian Twinsie Syndrome.16. Oh, hai. I am in ur galleriez. Embarsin ur deanz.17. Hey, Haven’t I Seen This Movie Before II: “Say Anything”18. We’re cool, right? Right?19. I’d take that as a no.20. Revenge is a dish best served multimedia.21. Helena Warbucks realizes why they brought her back.22. No my first name ain’t “Lover,” it’s Cindi. Miss Tucker if you’re nasty.23. Say hello to Ruth Bader Ginsberg for me, Molly.24. Let Mama T kiss it and make it all better.25. Who knew Begonia was Adele’s favorite flower?26. Hey, Haven’t I Seen This Movie Before III: “Dirty Dancing.”27. Forget Waldo, where’s meta?28. Ah, look at all the lonely people.29. A beehive, really? Where was Jenny hiding, 1952?30. The very definition of unsafe sex.31. Who you calling too gay?32. Vipers don’t love, Shane, they poison.
New Guestbian Count: 0
Best Line: “Thank you for putting up with … me.” -- Jenny to her cast and crew (and, by proxy, Ms. Snarker to her loyal and true Pre-L readers).