Yep, yep, yep

We interrupt our regularly scheduled hot women in tank tops and Tina Fey worship for this very important public service announcement. Everything is funnier when done by puppets. So with that I give you the Sesame Street crew performing “Telephone.” More proof Sesame Street is so gay: Its abundant use of the word “yep.” Everyone knows that’s reserved for celebrities affirming to People magazine their sexual orientation. Also, everyone knows about Bert & Ernie. Come on, boys, Ricky Martin finally came out, too.

Tank Top Tuesday

So even though it may seem like all I ever do is sit on my ass on the couch and watch TV, this is amazingly not actually the case. To be sure, I watch a lot of television. But I don’t watch everything. Now I feel downright righteous about some of non-watching stands. Still other shows make me feel downright bad about not watching. To atone for my guilt, I’d like to offer up my thank you for the lovely actresses involved. A few more tank tops like this and I’ll have to go on a series DVD renting spree of epic proportions. Good thing I like my couch.

Grace Park, Battlestar GalacticaYes, I still have never watched BSG. Please don’t tell anyone or the Geek Police will surely come to my house and arrest me for crimes against nerdiness.

Evangeline Lilly, LostThis being the final season and all, it seems ridiculous to start. Also ridiculous? A smoke monster.

Anna Paquin, True BloodI love vampires. I love Alan Ball. I have no idea why I’m not watching this show.

Chloe Sevigny, Big LoveNow this one I don’t feel quite as bad about. I mean, even Chloe said last season was “awful.”

Jessica Stroup, 90210I never watched the original either.

Blake Lively, Gossip GirlI know this show is a guilty pleasure, just not for me (sorry, Heather).

Billie Piper, Dr. WhoEvery time I happen on this show I feel two distinct things: 1) Lost and 2) Like if I wasn’t lost I’d really be enjoying myself.

Katie McGrath, MerlinSyFy had a marathon over the weekend. I had to stop to see why Rachel Weisz’s doppelganger/younger sister was running around with knights and wizards.

Stana Katic, CastleReally, I should watch just to support Captain Tight Pants. I’m a bad Whedonite.

Toni Collette, United State of TaraI have shamefully never watched. But I have the entire second season sitting on my desk. So, you know, that’s going to change.

p.s. No, really, the second season. It's a screener. Jealous?

My source for some definitive

So this past week I went to go see some old friends. Truth be told, we hadn’t visited face-to-face in about eight years. But there was a time, ages ago, when we spent almost every day together. I’d listen intently, absorbing each word and meditating on its meaning. And the car trips, oh heavens, they were fun. Still, somehow we drifted apart. Sure, we’d run into each other from time to time – often on accident. Yet each meeting was like slipping on a favorite sweater for the first time of the season: warm, comfortable, soothingly familiar.

[Crap quality, I know. iPhone cameras suck at concerts.]

Gosh, it was nice seeing the Indigo Girls again. At times they might seem like a cliché, the lesbian band we all at least flirted with at some point in our lives. Knowing all the words to “Closer to Fine” is pretty much a requisite to earning your toaster oven. But there is a reason they’ve endured. Their voices, those harmonies, that music. Granted, over the years my tastes have changed. But as they played I could still sing along to almost every song. The whole crowd could. Some songs brought me back immediately to a certain time and place: alone in my bedroom, together in my dorm room. Some music, you never outgrow. You might not listen that much anymore, but it will always be part of your soundtrack. So when you hear it again, even years later, you have to listen.

“Closer to Fine,” circa 1989

ZOMG, basically everything – hair, jeans, Dave, VINYL RECORDS!

“Power of Two,” 20 years later

Considerably less hairspray, thankfully.

Two other interesting tidbits about my show: 1) I was surprised by the number of husbands (no, not really butch lesbians, I double checked) that came with their wives. Guess even L.U.G.s like to get nostalgic. And 2) I realized during the show that while my younger self preferred Emily’s sweet soprano, the older me now gravitates towards Amy’s darker alto. Who knows, maybe in another 20 years I’ll flip flop again.

My Weekend Crush

Say what you will about Nancy Pelosi, but the lady delivered. When it counted most, when others swore it was futile, when the full brunt of an angry opposition came down on her, she delivered. Not to go all Joe Biden on the situation, but the passage of health care reform this week was a big fucking deal. Sure, it’s not everything many of us had hoped for. And it’s a lot more than others ever wanted. But this is how progress works. It is rarely pretty. It is always hard. It is never perfect. Change is a process, but it won’t happen without that first, gigantic step.

And it might not have ever happened without the Speaker of the House. Now I’ve had my differences with Pelosi’s leadership style and overall approach before. But I’ve never doubted her intellect and conviction, and now I’ll never doubt her toughness again. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who prodded President Obama to stay aggressive about passing health care reform. By all accounts it was Speaker Pelosi who cajoled Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to grow a pair. And by all account it was Speaker Pelosi who strong-armed the skittish House Democrats to get the votes needed, more even, to pass this historic piece of legislation.

Now l still believe that the role of government is to help people, to solve big problems, and to ensure our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. And it’s really hard to have any let alone all of those three if you’re sick and can’t afford to get better. The simple right to be healthy, to even just be alive, shouldn’t be reserved for the rich. We are a society that is plenty wealthy enough to make sure our most basic health is ensured. It’s downright shameful that we don’t. But that begins to end now.

Pelosi, who turns 70 today, is not only the first female Speaker of the House, but as second in line to the presidency she is perhaps the most powerful woman in American history. And she has done it all, amazingly, with that near perpetual smile. For this, she has been called many things. A dingbat. A dilettante. And, my favorite, a San Francisco liberal. The horrors! Yet somehow, people still buy Rice-a-Roni.

But such chronic underestimation is something she is no doubt used to, and clearly has no problem overcoming. There were times during this past year when I was sure that all hope was lost, that the bill was dead, that the Democrats simply didn’t have the spine. But that was just me underestimating her, too. She had the spine all along. Sure it wasn’t seamless, and certainly the work isn’t done. But it’s that first, gigantic step we needed. Thank you, Madame Speaker. Have a happy birthday, you’ve earned it. Happy weekend, all.

Tina Fey Thursday, again

God, I love it when Tina Fey has a new movie coming out. Why? Because we’re treated to her on magazine covers and talk shows galore. It’s an all-you-can Tina smorgasbord and I can’t pile it on my plate high enough. Like yesterday when she was on the “Late Show with David Letterman.”

[UPDATE: FULL INTERVIEW NOW POSTED]

Could her Tracy Morgan impersonation be more spot on? Also, you can tell her dress is shorter than she is used to wearing because she keeps adjusting it and sitting in, what I like to call, the modesty arm pose. Hey, a lady doesn’t flash her lady business.

Other highlights from last night’s appearance:

On her 4½-year-old daughter Alice’s concern for her well being:

She just took my face in her hands and said, “When are you going to die?” They have very practical concerns. They’ll miss you, but they’re like, “Who is in charge of the chicken nuggets when you die?”

On playing married to Steve Carell in “Date Night”:

One of the things I liked about the movie is we look like a married couple. A lot of times it’s like Burt Lancaster and Megan Fox.

On improvising on the set:

We did this whole sequence around a stripper pole... We did pretty well. There were a couple times where Steve picked me up by the legs and just rammed my crotch bone into the pole. I was like, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. You have a wife; you know what the equipment is that we’re working with here.

Letterman clearly has a crush on her, too. He called her one of “only like half a dozen people who can make really funny, entertaining films” today. Back off, Dave. She’s my Fake Wife. You have a real wife, and staffers.

So yesterday, when emailing back and forth with friends, the topic of – um, how shall we say – favorite body parts came up. (We’re really not that skeezy, it was in the context of my “Bitch Slap” review.) Anyway, I determined after some entirely pleasurable self-reflection that I am not a Boob Gal or a Butt Gal or a Gams Gal. Sure, there are a few areas of the body I like to linger on (wouldn’t you like to know), but all in all what I really like is a big, bodacious brain. Just a really nice perky set of lobes does it for me. Dead sexy. And, ultimately, that’s what makes me love Tina so much. She is so smart and so quick and so witty. She is droll and charming and have I mentioned smart? What can I say, a finely formed cerebral cortex gets me hot.

Also, it helps that it you put your right hand up over Steve Carell on this week’s Entertainment Weekly cover, it looks like Tina is covered in lipstick kisses from a lady. I have had dreams like that. Very, very good dreams. They looked a little something like this.

p.s. Did you catch Joan Jett last night on Letterman, too? Is it just me, or does she not age? Like at all. Like pact-with-the-devil at all.

Is there a problem, officer?

Question: Does this woman make you wanna be bad?

How about now?How about now?How about now?How about if I told you she was going to play Chicago’s first female police chief? Yeah, now you wanna be bad. Like call the cops, get arrested, go to jail bad, don’t you? Jennifer Beals has signed on to a new Fox pilot to play said pioneering police chief. Yeah, I know. Let it all soak in. Yes, Jennifer will be back on TV. Yes, she will play a cop. Yes, she will be wearing a uniform. And a badge. And a big old gun. They’re going to have to change the song to: “I fought the law because the law was ridiculously sexy.”

Jennifer’s new show is called “Ride-Along.” Eh, not loving the name. But then, you’d be hard pressed to find a gay lady who liked the name “The L Word,” too. The other eh ingredient in this sexy lady cop sandwich? She is just the female lead, not the lead-lead. The Hollywood Reporter describes the show’s premise as such:

“Ride-Along revolves around on a rogue cowboy cop (Jason Clarke) and Chicago's first female police chief (Jennnifer Beals) who vow to clean up the streets.”

Hmm, I can see it now. She’s a strict, by-the-books chief. He’s a mavericky, loose cannon cop. They clash. They get results. Whatever, Jennifer gets to be a cop and have a freaking gun. Also, she’s on my TV and not on “Lie To Me” (I’m not really feeling that show and I am really, really not feeling her as Tim Roth’s ex-wife). I am looking forward to many, many more shot of her in power suits and sharply pressed dress blues. See, now you want to be bad, too. Well get in line, and bring your own handcuffs. I fear there could be a shortage.

Slap & Tickle

“Bitch Slap” review, come and get it.

Where you go I will Follows

Research is really a wonderful thing. Some people like to take shortcuts, but I believe in doing things the old-fashioned way. Hence last night I spent untold hours looking up actresses in lesbian guest appearances to prove my Lesbian Rule of Threes, a totally not fake theory I did not just make up after having a cocktail or two last night. Read all about it later on AfterEllen today. Suffice it to say I was scanning old clips to make my case when I stumbled across this one I had tucked away. To be fair, the great and powerful ScribeGrrrl tipped me off to it in the first place. I believe things like this are are why the internet was invented.

Yes, that is Megan Follows playing totally gay on “ER.” Yes, I know, OH MY GOD! Now, unless you were one of those “Little House on the Prairie” girls, everyone knows Megan Follows was Anne Shirley, as in “Anne of Green Gables.” I am now going to allow 15 seconds for the 10-year-old in all of you to freak out and possibly squeal.

This of course led me to more research while led me to the conclusion that I am not the only person who daydreamed about Anne and Diana being Bosom Friends with benefits. Come on, who calls their best friend their “bosom” anything? Gay ladies, that’s who. All that hand holding, all that kissing on the lips, all that professing of love. Think I’m kidding? Research doesn’t lie.

Megan Follows is one of my earliest and my most enduring crushes. That red hair, those freckles, that spunk. Did you know she turned 42 last week? Yeah, I’m not sure how I feel about that either. But I do know that I will always be at least a little in love with Megan, and now so much more that she once played a big old lesbian. Talk about your kindred spirits.

How to get Bitch Slapped

Expectations are a hell of a thing. Set them too high, and you will almost always be disappointed. Set them too low, and you’ll end up owning three copies of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” So when it comes to “Bitch Slap,” I would like to help shape your expectations to facilitate maximum enjoyment during your viewing experience.

[For maximum enjoyment of this post, click images to embiggen.]

1. Expect to see a lot of cleavage.

2. Expect the plot to be convoluted.

3. Expect there to be an extended slo-mo water fight for no apparent reason.

4. Expect to learn more euphemisms for female genitalia than you ever knew existed.

5. Expect your enjoyment to increase with the number of drinks and/or lesbians and/or drinks with lesbians that accompany your viewing.

“Bitch Slap” is not a great film, but it is 100 minutes with three smokin’ hot ladies in really tight clothing doing sexy, ridiculous or violent things to each other – often all at once. So, you know, better than “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Considerably. I actually found I enjoyed it more the second time I watched it. And I really, really enjoyed some scenes more the second (and third, perhaps even fourth) time I watched them.

Check AfterEllen.com for my comprehensive, though no less cleavagey, review in the coming days. Until then, did I mention there was a lot of cleavage? This is a point I feel cannot be understated.

My Weekend Crush

I didn’t go to my prom. There are several reasons for this including but not limited to I didn’t believe in them, I broke out into hives at the thought of wearing a fancy dress and I wasn’t asked. Instead, I drove around that night with a friend and said snarky things about the people who were in prom. I’m pretty sure we had more fun. But, even back then, I never begrudged anyone’s right to go to prom. And I feel the exact same way, if not more so, today. If you want to go to prom, you should get to go to prom.

Which, of course, leads me to the plight of Mississippi teenager Constance McMillen. By now you’ve hopefully heard her story. The 18-year-old Itawamba County Agricultural High School student made national headlines last week because she asked her school if she could wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend to the prom. I know! What year does she think this is? 2010? The school said no (they have a policy against same-sex dates at prom – since they rightfully know it’s actually 1910). Then Constance asked the ACLU to politely show them the correct date on the calendar. But instead of just letting her wear what she wanted and slow dance to Taylor Swift songs with whom she wanted, school administrators canceled the whole damn prom. That’ll show the gays! No one can dance now! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [Insert hand-wringing and/or stroking of a white cat.]

Now that this sort of close-minded, intolerance still exists should not come as a surprise to anyone. But that more young people like Constance are standing up to it and not accepting inequality as a status quo anymore is inspiring. Constance didn’t just ask one person for permission and leave with her tail between her legs when she was told no. She went to the vice principal, to the principal, to the district attorney, to the superintendent and ultimately to the school board. Then she contacted the ACLU. And now the ACLU has filed a lawsuit in an attempt to get prom back for everyone.

So what gave this 18-year-old the strength to take on an entire school district? She told Michelangelo Signorile on his radio show:

“I am proud of who I am, regardless if I’m different... I decided maybe I could make a change, not just for me but for future generations of kids.”

Of course, the school’s cowardly decision has made things even more difficult for Constance. This is a small town in Mississippi, after all. And, well, it’s high school. She said since prom was canceled she thinks about 70 percent of the school had turned against her, making her the villain.

Luckily, there have also been supporters, too. Constance has a Facebook fan page with more than 360,000 supporters. And the celesbians are fans, too. Wanda Sykes invited Constance and her girlfriend to attend the GLAAD awards. Cat Cora (herself a Mississippi native) issued a statement and offered to make an appearance at prom. And Ellen DeGeneres is having Constance on her show today.

But this isn’t really about star power of media appearances. This is about the power of one person with the courage, determination and eloquence to know her cause is just and not let anyone tell her any different. As Constance told Signorile:

“Just because you are different for some reason, you don’t have to put up with that. I want people to understand that they don’t have to put up with it, and you should stand up for yourself.”

Life is so complicated, yet so simple. We all want to be happy, to feel loved. We all want to be accepted, to be equal. Those who fight against our most basic humanity, our simplest needs, complicate things endlessly. But, thanks to people like Constance, perhaps more people will realize how needlessly it is complicated, too. What she wants isn’t radical. In fact, it’s downright traditional. As she told the AP:

“I want my prom experience to be the same as all of the other students, a night to remember with the person I'm dating.”

See, simple. Thanks for the reminder, Constance. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you want to warm the cockles of your heart even more, check out Autostraddle’s outrageously adorable Lesbian Prom Gallery. It’s so fucking cute it almost makes me wish I’d gone to my prom. Almost.

Tina Fey Thursday

Yes, I am a broken record. But I am a broken record playing perhaps the best songs in the world. So, even if you hear it a million times, you’ve still got to like that tune. And with that, hey, did you see Tina Fey in Esquire? Now, every time (I mean it – every. single. time.) I read an interview with her I am reminded exactly why I love her so fucking much. Obviously, she is attractive (though in a refreshingly non-paint-by-numbers way), but I love that she is mostly celebrated because she is so damn smart and so damn funny. This is the exact opposite of why many women make it into the pages of a magazine like Esquire. Most women get celebrated for their looks and then if she happens to have a brain or a sense of humor in that pretty little head, bonus!

Tina’s Esquire cover story (more like a series of her quotes – no wonder I love it so) is a fun read. So, um, just read the whole thing. Here is a sampling of her best bits.

On agreeing to the “Tina Gone Wild” photoshoot:

The idea of the photo shoot is something like my wild night out. The irony being that I don’t do that. I got an e-mail [from Esquire] with a list of the potential setups, and my e-mail back was like, Well, I need to decline being handcuffed to a bed. I won’t straddle anyone. I won’t make out with a cop. There are certain things, I totally get them as a premise. And they’re all good fun, and if I were a young single model, they would be appropriate, but, you know, I’m a mom. And my kid’s going to find this someday. I don’t want to be handcuffed to a bed in Esquire. What are you nuts? I’m not going to make out with a cop that I’m handcuffed to. I got to get my kid into kindergarten. I guess that’s more of a Montessori way of learning, when they handcuff you to things.

On what she wants women going into comedy to know:

One, you don’t have to be weird of quirky to get your job done. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it’s the truth.

On the advice she gave at a girls’ school commencement:

If you find yourself two years from now at spring break, don’t lift your shirt up. And if you do, have your own camera. The foolishness is that there’s some disgusting middleman. They’re your boobs. At least have the sense to film it yourself and get some money from it.

On how she got interested in comedy:

…because I wasn’t the pretty girl in middle school, and I was trying to figure out if there was another move besides going super-all-the-way nerd. It didn’t occur to me to be the slutty girl because there were no takers.

On being a “thinking-man’s” sex symbol:

What I've come to realize is that when people say, ‘The thinking man’s whatever’ — there’s no such thing. The thinking man also wants to fuck Megan Fox.

On the best doughnuts in the world:

That’s Peter Pan doughnuts in Brooklyn. We shot nearby once for “30 Rock.” It’s white cream-filled power doughnut. And, I really believe, when I first tried it, if I had a penis, I would put it in this doughnut. I finally understand what you guys are thinking about and what motivates you guys.

On 4-year-old daughter Alice’s career aspirations:

(She) has a pretend hair and nail salon, and I was doing her hair and makeup, I said, “Hello ma’am. What’s your name? And what do you do?” And she said, “I get paid to dance at parties.”And I said, “Oh, no. That’s a terrible, terrible answer.”

See, now isn’t that a song you could dance to forever?

It’s been seven hours and 7,304 days

This week marks the 20th anniversary of Sinéad O’Connor’s breakthrough album “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got.” This news makes me feel a lot of things, nostalgic and old are the two of them. Crap, my copy of this CD is 20 years old? But what it really makes me feel like is those two lonely tears that fell defiantly down her face in “Nothing Compares U 2.”

Of course a tear can signify many things: joy, loss, grief. For Sinéad what I primarily feel is loss. Because on this is one fucking amazingly talented woman. And she is nowhere to be found on the musical landscape right now. It’s hard to quantify what makes Sinéad so spectacular. Her voice, of course. Her rebellion, naturally. And her honesty, to a fault.

Some of the reason she has disappeared from our collective conscience are of her own doing. She was kooky. She was a priest. She was a lesbian. She was not a lesbian. But others are of our own doing – or undoing, as the case may be.

While others may feel differently, I’ve never harbored any ill will toward her tearing up of the picture of the pope. First, it’s a picture. Second, she had a point. The church was covering up sexual abuse. That she was before her time in sounding the alarm should be commended, not condemned. But I am not here to talk about politics or religion or belief systems. Instead, I want to celebrate raw talent.

Because that is what Sinéad is best at, being raw. She shines when she opens her mouth and lets the truth wail out, be it uncomfortable or tragic, joyous or confessional. While “I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got” is her most famous album (and a real beauty that still holds up, two decades later), those of you who stopped paying attention to the striking bald lady with the big beautiful eyes and even bigger voice shortly after it missed her next great album: “Faith & Courage.”

Released 10 years ago, it is a more hushed but no less truthful snapshot of an artist in full. This album is gorgeous. Her voice, the lyrics, the melodies. Gorgeous. And if you think her lesbian conversion was just a publicity stunt, listen to “Emma’s Song.” Something there was real, even if it wasn’t handled well outwardly.

Sinéad spoke with Entertainment Weekly briefly about her 20th anniversary and revealed that she is releasing a new studio album soon. I think I’ll give it a try. Because, above all else, that lady can just flat-out fucking sing. And we should never forget that.

Also, if you’ve never heard Sinéad cover Cole Porter’s “You Do Something to Me,” consider this my St. Patrick’s Day gift to you.

“Look at those fried green tomatoes”

So, on Friday, I wrote a strongly worded letter to Florida telling them to stick their tax credit ban on movies with gay characters where the Sunshine State don’t shine. In the process of writing that post, I started thinking about my favorite movies with gay characters. And, because I still couldn’t shake the Florida thing, I also started thinking about the time while driving down to the Sunshine State I made a special pit stop in Juliette, GA to visit the Whistle Stop Café. And that’s where the gay characters/Florida connection all came together and I started to think about “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Convoluted? Yes. Just how my brain works? You betcha.

Now, I know I’m not alone in the soft, warm spot I have in my heart for this film. I claim it as one of ours, even though the movie never explicitly spells it out. (The book, naturally, is a tad more direct.) So Idgie and Ruth will always be one of my favorite lesbian movie couples. Always. I can quote whole swaths of it verbatim. I’m sure you can, too. How about we quote some together?

Now, little tomboy Idgie Threadgoode is adorable. And then older tomboy Idgie is pretty cute, too. But things really don’t get good until Idgie tells Ruth never. And as we all know, you never say never to Ruth Jamison. And then, then we get to the bees.

“You’re just a bee charmer, Idgie Threadgoode. That’s what you are, a bee charmer.”To this day, I think one of the highest complements you can give a gal is to call her a bee charmer.

Idgie: “You’re gettin’ married?”
Ruth: “As soon as the summer’s over... Oh, am I gonna miss you.”

Good God, if you can’t read that subtext you are beyond help.

“If you ever touch her again, I’ll kill you.”All valiant butches will be judged against the valor of this moment. Also, this outfit. Thank you, Mary Stuart Masterson.

“She’s trying to teach me how to cook!”

My first girlfriend and I would quote this scene back and forth. I still can’t cook, but we sure had some fun trying.

“Believe me when I tell you, I don't want you to move out.”This is maintext, people. MAINTEXT.

“Go on you ol’ Bee Charmer, tell me a good tall tale.”This always makes me weepy. I even get a little melancholy sometimes looking at ducks on a lake. I am, however, very happy that Mary-Louise Parker has progressed to the point in her career where she no longer has to die heroically in every movie.

So, there you have it, a lovely jaunt down memory lane courtesy the idiot legislators in Florida. But remember, Florida, if you won’t listen to reason, there is always Towanda.