Dorothy Surrenders

My Weekend Crush

2012-01-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

Life affords us far too few moments of grace. Amid the mess and muddle of our everyday existence, we can forget what matters most far too easily. Amid the complication and conflict of our differences, we can forget what makes us all the same. Like many of you I have followed the story of Gabrielle Giffords from that terrible moment a little over a year ago when those first horrifying reports first came in of a shooting at congressional event in Arizona. And, like many of you, my emotions went from anguish and anger to amazement and admiration as the nation struggled to come to terms with what had happened. She has been, quite simply, awesome. To survive getting shot in the head is, in itself, nothing short of a miracle. But how she has conducted herself through this ordeal has been almost otherworldly. The courage she has displayed, the strength she has mustered, the compassion she has offered and the unbreakable spirit she has shown is more than a miracle. It’s pure grace. I had hoped, with all my heart, that this inspirational woman would defy the odds and stay in congress. But I completely understand and admire her reasons for resigning this week. And I think, in fact I know, that we have not seen the last of this extraordinary woman or her radiant smile. Thank you for your service, Gabby. A grateful nation wishes you a full and fast recovery. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. On a purely superficial note, because this is a Weekend Crush after all, hot damn does Gabby look smokin’ with a motorcycle or what?

Castles made of hot

2012-01-26T03:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Pro-choice

2012-01-25T00:25:00.000-08:00

One of the fastest ways to make a group of gays mad is to talk about what it means to be gay. Queer identity and how we label ourselves makes some people’s heads explode. It really does. And don’t pretend it doesn’t. I know it does because a) I write for the Internet and b) I read all the comments in the AfterEllen article about Cynthia Nixon saying that “for me (being gay) is a choice.” Heads exploding like rockets on the Fourth of July. Boom! Boom! Boom! KABOOM!

Because this is what Cynthia told The New York Times Magazine when the topic of people finding her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous:

“I totally reject that,” she said heatedly. “I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.” Her face was red and her arms were waving. “As you can tell,” she said, “I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

Woo and doggy. I see the powder keg and I see the lit fuse. The smart thing would be to take cover and hope to avoid the worst of the collateral damage. Fire in the hole, save yourselves! But, no, like an idiot I’ve decided to walk toward the fuse and see if I can’t tamp it out before spark meets powder. God, I am so fucking stupid.

Here’s the thing. This is a complicated issue. That no one is denying that. Part of the driving narrative we, as a queer community, have used on our march toward full equality is that we should be equal because, in essence, we can’t help it. We were born this way, baby. And in this country and hopefully this world, people should have the right to life, liberty and happiness regardless of inborn differences like race, gender, sexual orientation, et al. We are born gay and we stay gay and we deserve all the same rights as people who were born straight and stay straight.

And for some of us, many of us, that’s 100 percent true. We’re 100 percent big-time gay from cradle to grave – do not pass go do not collect $200.

Make no mistake there is a definite advantage to presenting a public and united front where homosexuality is not a choice for anyone. Optics and perception matter. No one wants the “Ex-Gay” forces to feel justified or vindicated. Because for many, many, many queer people, we were born this way. Plain and simple. But the thing is, we humans are a lot of things. And we have this crazy thing called free will. And something like who we want to see naked and who we fall in love with, they can fall along that spectrum. Does that make being gay or acting gay wrong? Heavens no! It just makes the experience of it, the realization of it, the acting upon it different for different people.

I tend to look at the LGBT community as a big umbrella of sexual otherness. And I don’t care if you like to stand directly in the center of the umbrella or on the outskirts so your shoulder gets wet – as long as you’re happy and proud to be under the umbrella with the rest of us I’m happy to have you there.

What Cynthia said may rankle some, with reason because we’re nowhere near the finish line when the fight for equality. But something else she said rung even truer. “You don’t get to define my gayness for me.” And isn’t that, in the end, what we’re fighting for in the first place? To be able to love who we want to love free of discrimination or judgment or criticism and hate. But instead, people always try to define other people for them. Look, it’s hard enough to define ourselves as is, so don’t project your definition on me and then scold me for not conforming to it.

If everyone just realized that we weren’t all identical widgets from the widget factory, but individuals who deserve to be treated the same no matter what, the world would be a better fucking place and widgets could just happily do what widgets do. But everyone has to get up in everyone else’s nut.

And that, to me, is really fucking tiring. Fighting amongst ourselves about how to be gay isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Policing other people’s gayness isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Demanding people use one label or another label isn’t helping anyone actually be gay.

You know what helps people be gay? Saying I accept you no matter who you sleep with or fall in love with or want to make a home with. And as long as you treat me the same way back for the people I sleep with and fall in love with and want to make a home with, then the world will be a better place. And absolutely no one’s head has to explode. At least not today.

Gonna make it after all

2012-01-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

While it may be hard to tell from the somewhat downbeat and grumpy nature of recent posts, things aren’t going too poorly for old Ms. Snarker in 2012. No, really, I mean it. No, stop laughing. Hey, now it’s getting rude. Come on, you could at least try to stop snorting uncontrollably. Kidding, kidding. But on the serious, this year has been – aside for standard-issue work stress and inconvenient technological setbacks – kind of lovely. So, for all of you somewhat appalled by my middle finger to the world from yesterday, please consider this a mea culpa of sorts. As the delicious delicious delicious Joan Jett can attest, one can be surly and happy at the same time. See, a gal can turn the world on with a smile and a snarl. Happy Tuesday, kittens. Love is all around.

p.s. Also, just because Joan Jett is hot as fuck, here’s a little something extra to go with today’s theme. Also, since it is a Tuesday, she is wearing a tank top that appears to be made out of black electrical tape. You’re turned on now, alright. Though possibly for another reason.

Fuck Mondays

2012-01-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

Let’s be frank, Mondays fucking suck. They can go fuck themselves. They can go take a flying fuck. They can go fuck off. Seriously, they fucking suck. And they really, really fucking suck in the doldrums of January. Ugh. January. It’s not December, with its promise of the holidays. It’s not the spring, with its flowers and showers. It’s not summer, with its summery summerness. And it’s not fall, with leaves showing off one last time. Nope, it’s January. Which fucking sucks. But you know what? We don’t have to just sit and take sucky Mondays in January. We can fight back. We can fight back the only way we can on a sucky Monday in January. By giving them a big, hearty fuck you. Like our friend M-Rod is doing.

Heidi KlumWell, it is Monday, so why not have a little Naked Lady as well?

Kristen StewartI feel like Kristen is always flipping us the bird, even when she isn’t.

Kaya ScodelarioThe middle finger is Effy Stonem’s permanent state of mind.

PinkShe somehow manages to be badass and adorable, all at once. I think it’s the overalls.

Paget BrewsterI’m only slightly distracted by the fact that the towel means she just got out of the shower.

Lucy LiuAlso slightly distracted, but this time by the freckles and hint of lower back.

Amy PoehlerYou always knew Amy would know how to expertly deploy the double bird.

Lily AllenWhereas this is the cutest double bird ever.

Joan JettAnd this, this is the sexiest double bird ever.

There, now don’t you feel better – for a Monday?

My Weekend Crush

2012-01-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

I love “Finding Nemo.” I loved it from the first moment I saw it at a dollar theater after it had long ended its regular run because I was too cool to go see an animated movie no matter how much everyone raved about it. Now, I own the DVD. I downloaded it to my phone. I may even have cuddly stuffed Dory. That last one was a gift, I swear. What I love most about it, besides being smart and funny and as adorable as can be, is that it makes me feel better each time I watch it. We all have that movie, the one we put on as a guaranteed mood lifter. Sure, there’s the Bambi-esque opening with its bad things that happen to good fish eggs. But then there is everything else. And everything else makes me just plum happy. In fact, it’s kind of my happy place. And, in January, I’m always looking for things to make me happy – this January is no different. So after a long, tiring, stressful week, I plan to put on a little “Find Nemo” and talk whale with Dory. And then, then I should be ready to just keep swimming through the rest of the year. Happy weekend, all.

Please Hold

2012-01-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Technical difficulties. We, that being me, appreciate your patience and continued patronage. Also, you're pretty.

UPDATE: An internet outage, work craziness, life complication confluence occurred today meaning no full post will be forthcoming. But, rest assured, come hell or high water or locust invasion, things will be back up and running on Surrenders tomorrow. As a sincere apology and peace offering, please enjoy this video of a cute puppy and pretty lady. It's really the least I could do.

Pillow queen

2012-01-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

Well, as long as the theme this week seems to be kick-ass women, why not carry that to its ultimate scenario. Think a pillow fight is just good girlie fun? Think again. Also, I kind of feel like doing this to my Wednesday. So much to so, so little time to kick ass. Enjoy.

p.s. Any week I get to post Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez in tank tops is a good, good week.

Tank Top Tuesday: Gone Haywire

2012-01-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

Dude, duuuuude. Do you know about Gina Carano? No, but seriously, do you know about her? She is a now-retired mixed martial arts fighter, a former American Gladiator and fledgling actress. Hey, you, I’m talking to you. Stop staring at her guns. Or her abs. Or, you know, her whatever else you may be looking at. This is serious. OK, fine, it’s not serious. But it is seriously hot. Gina will make her starring feature film debut in “Haywire” this weekend. The action film from Steven freaking Soderbergh also features a bunch of dudes (Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Banderas), but the main attraction is Gina who plays a covert operative who gets burned and decides to burn back. In a really big way. I won’t lie, I have no idea if Gina can act. But she sure can kick ass. And she looks great in a tank top. Or a sports bra. Also whatever the hell strappy, holey contraption she is wearing above is. And for me, today, that’s more than enough reason to rejoice. Hey, it is a Tuesday. So sue me.

p.s. Did you know there is also video?

p.p.s. And just in case you want to see her in another kind of action, here is a little clip from “Haywire.” Damn, girl, is an understatement.

Out of dreams

2012-01-16T00:30:00.000-08:00

Today is Martin Luther King Day in the United States. And for those of us who still believe that one day we will all live in a nation where children are not judged by color of their skin or the people that they love, but by the content of their character, this video is for you. The dream never dies unless we let it. Dream big today, kittens, dream big.

My Weekend Crush

2012-01-13T00:15:00.000-08:00

So, remember when Leisha Hailey and Camila Grey were kicked off a Southwest flight for kissing? And we were all Rage! Indignation! Protest! That’s kinda hot! Because, let’s face it, the leading ladies of Uh Huh Her are kinda hot. All sorts of hot. And talented. And, yeah, hot. I’ve enjoyed Uh Huh Her’s seductive, melodic music from the start. Their sound is, for lack of a better word, sexy. I think “Explode” ranks among my favorite hook-up songs of all time. I’ve been a fan of Leisha’s music since before Alice Pieszecki was even a glimmer in Ilene Chaiken’s eye, when I found a Murmurs CD in the bargain bin and fell in love at first listen. But while Leisha has been out for ages, Camila only recently had an official coming out via Kissgate. So here we have this fantastic queer duo being fantastic together in public. Uh Huh Her made their national TV debut on Jimmy Kimmel this week. So now what we’ve known for years is being shared with the wider world, finally. And one would think they can only fall under their sexy spell as well. Well done, ladies. To celebrate, how about a kiss? What? It never hurts to ask. Happy weekend, all.

Pushing 30

2012-01-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

It’s back, it’s back, it’s baaaaaaaack! Yes, “30 Rock” and My Fake TV Wife Tina Fey are finally back on my television, where they belong. It’s been a long, long, long, long, long eight months without my Tina on my TV. I’ve coped mostly through a series of deep breathing exercises and also alcohol. Of course, tonight is also the return of “Parks and Recreation,” and this time back-to-back with “30 Rock” at 8 and 8:30. It’s like I died and went to smart, hilarious female-fronted comedy heaven.

Now, I know some of you (perhaps many of you) may still be harboring strong feelings about the show, Tina and her co-star Tracy Morgan from this summer. He said horrible, terrible, despicable things. And that should not be taken lightly. But a) he did apologize profusely, b) he is not the whole show, and c) he is kind of a certified idiot. Not kidding about that last one. I’ve met him and his is straight-up not entirely correct in the head. So I truly believe that he doesn’t actually believe the things he said about gay people. He just thought it would be funny to say the things he said about gay people. Still horrible. Still terrible. Still despicable. But I am not going to punish the whole show, which has been embraced and been honored for its LGBT inclusiveness, and I’m not going to punish Tina, who is Tina and you know loves us unconditionally, because of that idiot. But that’s how I feel about it, and not necessarily how you feel about it. Which I understand. Life is messy sometimes.

But, anyway, back to Tina. My adorable, adorable Tina was on Jimmy Fallon this week to promote the new season. And she was, as predicted, adorable. And we get a clip of the premiere, now with bonus dickies.

p.s. Oh, Tina, flashing your bra and your adult diapers at me already. It’s good to have you back.

Bouncing bundle of B

2012-01-11T00:30:00.000-08:00

And on the seventh day of the year 2012, it was said that a savior was born. A child of such pedigree its very presence could bring peace and prosperity to our planet. For behold and bow before Blue Ivy Carter. OK, fine, I don’t really care that much that Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s über baby has arrived. But I like Beyoncé. And I like Jay-Z. And we all know their baby girl will be President of the United States in 35 years. So, you know, it never hurts to start sucking up early. Also, if little Blue is anywhere near as talented as her mama and papa, well, perhaps the world is truly blessed after all. Welcome, Tiny B. I know no one likes to hear this about a parent, but, damn, your mom is hot like fire. LIKE FIRE.

p.s. Yes, this is the only kind of math I truly like.
p.p.s. And yes, this is yet another song off my mix tape. Apparently I will not stop until I’ve written about every last number.

Straight Gals talking to Gay Gals

2012-01-10T01:35:00.000-08:00

Straight gals, god bless ’em. But, let’s face it, sometimes they can be a little, well, like straight gals. And sometimes that means saying asinine things to gay gals. But that’s OK, straight gals. We love you anyway. But, no, we won’t be in a threesome with you and your boyfriend. Unless, that is, you are really hot. And your boyfriend isn’t in the room at all. What? That’s just some shit gay gals say to straight gals. Truth.

Out darling

2012-01-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

To every lesbian alive in the 70s and 80s, your gaydar was right. On Friday, teen idol Kristy McNichol came out. Pause for the sound of lesbians everywhere screaming, “I KNEW IT!” Yes, the lesbian equivalent of David Cassidy is, in fact, a lesbian. Still, it’s a wonder anyone with eyes was surprised by this news. I mean, come on.

Now, as celebratory and vindicated as this news makes me feel, I must confess that Kristy wasn’t necessarily my girl crush back in the day. I was too young to enjoy her teen movie queen years. And then I never watched her later TV resurgence. Quite frankly, I was more of a Nancy McKeon girl, myself. (p.s. Nancy, if you feel like making any late-in-life announcements, a grateful nation of lesbians will thank you.) But Kristy’s announcement is still just fantastic news, as is her reasoning, which her publicist told People magazine was to “be open about who I am” and hopes her coming out “can help kids who need support.” Granted, the kids being bullied probably are too young to know who the hell Kristy McNichol is. But that doesn’t matter because every coming out makes a difference, every coming out helps make the world a little better. No matter early or late in life, it all helps. Kristy, who is 49, has been with her partner for the last 20 years. Nicely done, darling.

And, speaking of darling, how prescient did “Little Darlings” turn out to be? I swear, Kristy in that black tank top turned a whole generations of teens into baby dykes. Also, Kristy and Cynthia Nixon were both in that movie and turned out to be gay. If Tatum O'Neal comes out then perhaps we were wrong all along – it is contagious.

My Weekend Crush

2012-01-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

Recently, I came in possession of a mix tape by someone lovely which I promptly popped into my CD player on the way home. While listening to said mix tape (Fine, it’s a CD, but mixed CD sounds like something your financial adviser tells you to invest in. I think, I don’t know, I’m a writer. My financial adviser is a Magic 8 Ball) the song “Drive” popped up unexpectedly. Of course, being a gay lady, I am familiar with Melissa Ferrick’s “Drive.” How could you not be? But if by change you haven’t heard it before, hold onto your pants. Because they will spontaneously drop while listening. Also, um, you might not want to be in public.

Still for me, it had been a while since I listened, really listened to “Drive.” (I posted a fanvid featuring it not too long ago, but it was abridged and didn’t pack its full, shall we say, oompf). But if you do take the time to give it a proper once over, you will have to agree. This may just be the sexiest lesbian sex song ever. Like, seriously, ever. Fucking hell, that shit is hot. And that brings me back to Melissa. Seems like she has been around forever, always there bringing the dykeliciousness. For a while she was The Other Melissa. But she has always been her very own Melissa. And what that is one hard-working, hard-strumming, hard-loving sexy motherfucker. And she’s still right here, still out there, still making us ladies who like ladies swoon and sweat. So thank you, Melissa. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts and lower regions for putting delicious words and music to our deepest, dirties desires. Now, where did I put those pants? Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you haven’t heard/seen her epic live performances of the song, well, just go ahead and take off your pants right now. Because she’s hot and hilarious. And it just saves so much time.

Cop-Puter Code

2012-01-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

It’s Thursday after a holiday. Which means it sucks because it’s still not Friday. But you know what doesn’t suck? Hilarious 80s cop show parodies starring Jennifer Beals and big shoulder pads. Really, that’s all the set up you need. Sometimes I still get sad that “The Chicago Code” was canceled. But I won’t lie, I’d watch the hell out of “Cop-Pupter.” (Hat tip, Erin!)

Resolve this

2012-01-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

Right, so it is a whole four days into this New Year and about time for a status check. How many resolutions have you already broken? How many have you conveniently forgotten? How many have you told yourself you’d give yourself a week to start? Be honest now. This is the internet, and no one ever lies on the internet. How about me, you ask? Well, this year instead of draconian dictates demanding better behavior, I’ve decided to make just one resolution. And my sole resolution is simple. Cut myself some slack.

Now you might be thinking, Goddammit Snarker, you slacker, you’re already as slack as slack can get. Put on a pair of slacks and you’ll be the poster child for the Gap’s new slouchy khakis campaign, “Slackers, because only your dad wears Dockers.”

But, seriously, I think it’s something we should all aspire to. People can demand a lot of us – our family, our friends, our work, our partners. But sometimes, oftentimes, we demand the most out of ourselves. And, when we don’t reach our own lofty expectations, we are also often hardest on ourselves. I can and have been mighty hard on myself in the past. Why can’t I write better? Why can’t I post more? Why can’t I answer more email? Why can’t I be better, smarter, funnier, honester – wait, is honester a word? – see the smarter thing above.

And then, then you spend a lot of useless time beating yourself up. This is almost never time well spent and almost always counterproductive. Because instead of the “Why can’t Is,” you should be focused on the “What can Is.” What can I do to write better? What can I do to post more? And, the best question of all, what can I do to be happier? The whys may give you the cause, but the whats will give you the directions.

So, that’s it for me for 2012: Cut myself some slack. If I can’t do everything, I simply can’t do everything. But I can try my very best at the things I can do. And that, that I will always promise you. Well, that and continued adoration of Tina Fey. Please, like you had to ask.

So with that, because I can and because I’m kinda good at it, here are some lovely ladies for you to enjoy in various states of dress. But in black and white, because that makes the objectification more classy. It’s a rule, look it up in your college art books. Hey, just because I’m cutting myself some slack doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally have you fine folks stare slack-jawed at your screens.

Michelle RodriguezIf you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun,” you’re thinking about the wrong thing.

Catherine Zeta-JonesEvery time I see her I want to turn to Michael Douglas and say, “Dude, nicely done.”

Elizabeth MitchellUncontrollable jealously of a pillow in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Diane LaneNormally I’m against shoes on the couch, normally.

Stana KaticI finally saw that movie where she plays a wife-stealing lesbian. Poor Greg Kinnear never stood a chance.

Tina TurnerIn contrast, if you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun” here, you’re thinking about the very right thing.

Happy 2012, kittens. Be good to yourself, you’re worth it.

Vacation Vixen: Paula Patton

2012-01-03T00:05:00.000-08:00

Right, so I am technically not on vacation anymore. But then I saw Paula and I thought, well, what is one extra day?

Vacation Vixen: Shay Mitchell

2012-01-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

You might not watch “Pretty Little Liars,” but maybe you should. (p.s. It returns tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC Family)

Vacation Vixen: Kate Winslet

2011-12-30T00:05:00.000-08:00

I can think of no better way to bid adieu to 2011 than with a little tousled Winslet. What a year, kittens, what a year.

Vacation Vixen: Cate Blanchett

2011-12-29T00:05:00.000-08:00

A woman’s hands say so much about her.

Vacation Vixen: Carole Lombard

2011-12-28T00:05:00.000-08:00

Now that, that’s sexy in any era.

Vacation Vixen: Julianne Moore

2011-12-27T00:05:00.000-08:00

I know it’s pretty un-PETA of me, but I just love the way skin looks against leather.

Vacation Vixen: Angie Harmon

2011-12-26T00:05:00.000-08:00

Season 2 finale of “Rizzoli & Isles” is tonight, so feast your eyes on the #gayzzoli while you still can.

Merry Merry, Happy Happy

2011-12-25T00:05:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and happy whatever you believe in.

My Weekend Crush

2011-12-23T00:05:00.000-08:00

Even at her most vibrant, there was always something tragic about Judy Garland lurking just under the surface. Something that allowed her voice, even when still just a teenager, to cut through the ages. It’s what made her so special. It’s what made her so irreplaceable. That it took so long for me to get to Judy, particularly considering the partial namesake of this blog and all, is in itself a tragedy. One which I must promptly atone for. For any woman who came up as an impossibly pretty prodigy, blossomed into a big-time marquee name and then metamorphosed into an unquestionably consummate showwoman. deserves her moment in the spotlight and then some. Because, sister, could that lady belt it out. Despite her problem, despite her troubles, Judy Garland was going to put on a show. And you, you were going to sit mesmerized by all the beauty, sass, power and emotion she poured into every performance, every gesture, every note. She just didn’t take us over the rainbow, she took us out of ourselves, if only for a moment. Happy weekend, all.

The Ingénue

The Showwoman

The Classic

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, kittens, with all the beautifully tear-stained children’s cheeks your little heart can hold.

Alpha Bette City

2011-12-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

So last week I sang the praises of that lesbothrob Shane. Shane, Shane, Shane. And, well, it got me a little nostalgic. And what is got me nostalgic for was that glorious creature Bette Porter. Oh, what a specimen. What a magnificent mix of alpha behavior and bossy tendencies. So, so, bossy. What a complicated mess of loyalty and desire, power and weakness, strength and tenderness. And when she wore those power suits, sweet merciful Zeus, how the knees automatically buckled. But it was her flaws that made her so very interesting. Power on its own is rather bland, boring even. But power with problems and all those glorious messy things that make us human? Well, that’s the wonders of Bette Porter. Also, damn, the lady was hot as fuck.

Holding out for a hero

2011-12-21T00:30:00.000-08:00

This fanvid is pretty extraordinary. So well done, so gorgeous and so exemplary of exactly what has bothered me about the writing of Santana’s big coming out arc this season. I’ve watched this video half a dozen times, and each time it thrills and annoys me in equal measure. This is not the vidder’s fault (seriously, amazing, mad props upon mad props – nothing but respect, yo). Instead it’s fault of the writers of this crazy thing called “Glee.”

And this, this is why. It’s not that Santana didn’t earn her coming out story; she certainly did. We’ve seen her struggle with her sexuality, struggle with openness, struggle with acceptance. All this things have been well done and thoughtful. But what Santana’s coming out story didn’t earn was its hero. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again and I’ll never stop saying it. Finn Hudson is not the hero of Santana Lopez’s coming out story. He doesn’t deserve that distinction for many reasons, not the least of which is the fact that he’s the one who outed her in the first place. But, most of all, he wasn’t there through her journey.

But do you know who was there through her journey? Do you know who encouraged her every step of the way? Do you know who was there, is there and will always be there? Brittany. Yeah, remember her? You know, the whole reason Santana realized she was a lesbian in the first place. The person Santana loves. The person who was there with support and hugs and very special misspelled T-shirts. The person who has never stopped telling Santana to be herself, to love herself and to let her awesomeness shine through. Yeah, you know, Brittany.

Or, perhaps even better, how about Santana is allowed to be her own damn hero? Find herself. Save herself. Do we really need some dude – and a straight, white dude at that – to be the savior for a strong, queer Latina woman? Really? She can’t look into herself and find something inside her on her own that tells her she is strong enough? That moment where we stop and admit to ourselves that we deserve to be happy, no matter what other people think.

And that, that’s why the video annoys me. Because each time it plays I see those looks, those genuine looks, between Santana and Brittany. I see the love and sympathy and longing. I see why Santana might finally find the strength to step out and step up and step toward the woman she loves. And then, then that fucking Finn Hudson pipes up with his big fetus face and ruins it for me.

You know, the writers may think we’re grumpy or whiny or sneezy or sleepy, for all I care. But what we really are is fair. We only want what’s fair, and what would have been fair is for Santana to finish her journey out of the closet hand-in-hand with Brittany, not pushed in the back by Finn. We want our heroes to be worthy. That’s really not too much to ask. We also want a Brittana kiss – you know, as long as we’re asking for things that are fair.

So, fairness in mind, please enjoy yet another video by the same vidder (the incredibly talented scoouuzz), with the rightful heroes in all their glory.

p.s. Yes, I have now heard about the Ryan Murphy “We made two girls scissor! What more can we do for you?” comments from the yet-to-be-aired Inside the Actors Studio. And, no, I cannot properly comment on that without a fifth of whisky and baseball bat. But, needless to say, if Ryan thinks what Brittany and Santana were doing on that bed was actually scissoring, he is more confused about what constitutes lesbian sex than I even thought possible.

Love Lobos

2011-12-20T01:55:00.000-08:00

Heavens, I seem to have angered a whole lesbian fandom inadvertently. And one that I like a lot, at that. So yesterday, when I tweeted my surprise at Isabel & Cristina of the Spanish series “Tierra de lobos” leading the AfterEllen.com Cutest TV Couple of 2011 over Brittany & Santana of “Glee,” I did so with honest surprise. But there was no judgment, other than to say, you know, wow. And, yes, I voted for Brittana because they are one of my original ships. I really wasn’t much of a shipper before they came along, to be honest. I mean, maybe Mulder & Scully and Willow & Tara and the requisite Tina & Bette (and sundry other “The L Word” ships to a lesser degree). But otherwise, I was still a fairly passive TV watcher devoid of very strong shipper feelings. And then, bam, cheerleaders who scissor came along. So, you know, you always respect the first who made you start acting like a crazy person and entering the fandom in a big way.

So, hence, I expressed what I thought was playful surprise at the poll results so far. Thing is, “Tierra de Lobos” is a European show shot in Spanish and AE is (while it reaches a vast international audience) a U.S.-based site written in English. Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that my surprise does not mean I don’t have respect for the Isabel & Cristina (or Crisabel, ‘cause we’re all shippers here) storyline and fans. Quite the contrary. And when I tweeted, “Way to represent, Spain.” I meant, seriously, way to represent. It’s no small feat for a relatively small international show to overtake a crazy publicity snowball like “Glee.”

Again, no offense to the lovely Crisabel fans out there. Now that I’m neck-deep in shipper waters, I have to say I really root for all lesbian fandoms – actual and subtextual. And I don’t entirely understand the mentality of fandoms fighting against each other. I want all the ships to do well because more lesbian representation on TV, in all its forms, is a good thing. I also think finding subtext is just good fun, a way to help gay up the world just to our liking. And while I have my personal favorites, that certainly does not negate your favorites. Nor do I want to denigrate one fandom to pump up another. I mean, I don’t even really talk smack about Dyson from “Lost Girl.” Though I will talk smack about Finn Hudson. Oh, yes, I certainly will.

As for Crisabel, I flipped for them the moment Isabel looked through that doorway and couldn’t take her eyes off Cristina bathing as light streamed gently in over her body. (p.s. How beautifully lit is that show? So beautifully lit.) And I swooned when they finally kissed, like for real and not a make-believe neck nuzzle. And now that I’m all caught up through the betrayal, hurt, discovery, convents, S&M nuns, rescues and reunions, I have to say it is one hell of a ship. And the actresses who play Isabel & Cristina (Adriana Torrebejano and Berta Hernández, respectively) could not be more gorgeous and gorgeous together. Also, God bless that show for always finding a convenient way to get all of its gorgeous ladies to strip down to their petticoats – for the plot, of course.

If you want to catch up, here are the first few key Crisabel encounters, and then you can follow along from episode 2X07 up through 2X12 yourself here with English subtitles. (p.s. There be actual boobies ahead. And ladies kissing. Yay!)

So, no, they were not my vote for Cutest TV Couple this time. But, man, are they every something. And, because no proper fandom discussion would be complete without a proper fanvid, enjoy.

~~Te quiero, Crisabel fans. Te quiero.~~ Las quiero, Crisabel fans. Las quiero. (Clearly, I do not speak Spanish and the language barrier is half the battle.)

All who wander are not Lost

2011-12-19T00:30:00.000-08:00

So, how about that “Lost Girl” this season? I have to say, it has been a bit of a roller coast ride. Some weeks it’s just the epitome of everything I love about this show – the sexy, the action, the pathos, the sexy some more. And then some weeks it feels like wallowing knee-deep in angst. It’s like we’ve stumbled into a video for “Smells Like Succubus Spirit” or something. She is sad because Dyson left her. She is sad because Lauren left her. Emo Bo is emo, we get it. Poor Anna Silk should put in for hazard pay for all the premature wrinkles her scowling this season will surely cause.

But I think what’s irked me most is the inconsistent writing for Lauren. Now, I give the show mad respect for making her character more prominent in the second season. They obviously saw what fans responded to in the first season and responded accordingly. Still the very thing that made so many of us fall in love with Dr. Hotpants in the first place (well, besides how hot pants and other things look on her, that is) is her calm, loyal, gentle personality. One look into those big, soulful, brown eyes and we were all goners. Goners I say.

So much of that is Zoie Palmer herself, who elevated a relatively small role into total fan worship status. Yet somehow this season we’ve gotten two Laurens. The one we know and love. The calm, loyal, gentle Lauren. And the cold, insensitive, unthinking Lauren. It was the last Lauren we saw last week, when Nadia woke up and even though she told Bo she loved her and even though she told Bo she couldn’t have gotten through the past year without her and even though she and Bo had crazy hot sex, she didn’t bother to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, my girlfriend woke up!” Nope, she just walked right into Bo’s birthday party, hand-in-hand, with her coma-free girlfriend and proceeded to give Bo a steel death star as a present. Just throw it right into her heart why don’t ya, Lauren?

This inconsistency actually annoys me more than the Doccubus Interruptus Nadia’s arrival represents. Don’t get me wrong. I want Bo and Lauren to get together, end up together, spend hours upon hours on primetime television peeling tank tops off each other together. But I understand that in TV it’s not always best to get couples together right away. If I’ve learned anything from my misspent youth it is that there are always obstacles to true love that must be overcome. (Though, come on writers, we can’t get more than one good Doccubus boinking scene before you pull the rug out from under them? We’ve been so patient. We ask for so little.)

Still, I haven’t come anywhere near giving up hope. We are only half way through this second season. There’s plenty of time left for good (and hopefully sexy) things to happen. And while we’re waiting, writers, please feel free to let Bo get her sexyback on this season. Preferably with Lauren, obviously. But it’s been a bit of a dry spell for our favorite Succubus. How about you let those blue eyes blaze? And, if you need any other volunteers, trust me, I know about 10 gajillion lesbians who’d happily volunteer to die with a smile on their faces. Sucking face never looked so good.

p.s. Did I mention I’m interviewing both Zoie and Anna this week? Yeah, not a terrible week to be me.

My Weekend Crush

2011-12-16T01:15:00.000-08:00

Charlize Theron is almost a cruel kind of gorgeous. It’s not the most accessible beauty, like a girl next door or sexy librarian or anything. She reminds me of an iceberg. Exquisite to look at, a little cool around the edges, but with so much more going on underneath. What I think I like most about her is her sophisticated, I don’t give a fuck attitude. Because she really kind of doesn’t. She says what she thinks, she swears with abandon and she doesn’t need to play beautiful in every role. In fact, I’d argue there are few actresses who have traded less on their beauty – especially of late – than Charlize.

It’s not that she just uglies up to win awards (though that certainly didn’t hurt with “Monster”), but I really don’t think she cares if she looks glamorous in pictures. Take “Monster,” take “North Country,” take “In the Valley of Elah,” take “Sleepwalking,” take “The Burning Plain,” take “The Road.” And now “Young Adult.” The wardrobe departments on these pictures probably cost about the same as a good used Honda Civic. And, just as interesting, Charlize isn’t all that interested in playing nice. Not in her next two pictures at least. In both “Young Adult” and “Snow White and the Huntsman,” she played decidedly un-nice. Heck, I believe “Evil” even gets bandied about in the latter.

And that’s what helps make those movies, and her, so very interesting. Well, that and her passionate stances on causes like women’s rights, reproductive rights, gay rights and the plight of her native South Africa. See what I was saying? An iceberg. A crisp beautiful, beautiful iceberg. Happy weekend, all.

A lock of thy jet-black tresses

2011-12-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

So I was sick in bed all of yesterday. Like coughy, hacky, snotty, headachey, icky sick. I sort of went in and out of consciousness, trying to write this week’s Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap (which is a day late due to sickness, but should be up a little later today at AfterEllen with my apologies). Let me tell you, it went slowly. Also, if I hadn’t had work to finish, what I would have done was drag my drugged-up little body to the couch to watch my complete set of “Anne of Green Gables” DVDs. It seemed like such an Anne day. Alas, duty called. But today, I can at least share a little of what I really wanted to do, the way I really wanted to see it. Anne of Green Gables: Brokeback Mountain Style. Such a queer little girl, that Anne Shirley.

Looking very, oh, you know

2011-12-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

You know who I miss? I miss Shane. I know, I know. This is not an original thought. Almost every gay lady has at some point in her life thought, “Jesus, I need a Shane.” But my desire for someone who looks very Shane today has less to do with the physical attributes and mad skills (though, don’t get me wrong – come to mama, honey), but the concept of Shane. The lothario isn’t a role women get to play on screen often. Sure, we get slut shamed. We get branded with the big scarlet letter. But the loveable lothario is something different, something reserved for men and the boys-will-be-boys mindset which deems conquests as laudable achievements. We remain mired in the societal gender constructs which make girl sexuality bad and boy sexuality good. But a character like Shane makes things more interesting, turning those stereotypes on their head and celebrating what once was scorned. Someone who is unapologetic about desire? I like it, I like it a lot. Since then she has been often imitated, seldom replicated. Also, you know, fucking-A Shane was hot. Yeah, sometimes it is what it is.

Tank Top Tuesday

2011-12-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

The great thing about tank tops, besides their minimal fabric and maximum hotness, is the way they cling. A tank top knows how to fit the body. It knows where to hug and where to give. It’s a giver like that. So on someone like, say, Hope Solo, a tank top knows to get the hell out of the way, and just let that back do all the talking. Which, not entirely coincidentally, is precisely what I’m going to do as well.

Claudia BlackI probably should have watched “Farscape,” huh?

Nikki ReedI remember Nikki before she was in all this “Twilight” hoo-ha and just wanted to kiss Evan Rachel Wood.

Rosario DawsonRosario is one of the most consistent tank top wearers in the industry. Bless her generous heart.

Elisha CuthbertWho knew she was the kind of girl who liked to get drunk and to eat ribs?

Rhona MitraShe needs to be in more movies where she kicks things’ asses.

Brandi CarlileShe’s in my neck of the woods this week and I was too late to get tickets. No, I’m not crying.

Jenna UshkowitzI’m so glad the “Glee” writers remembered Jenna was on the show last episode.

Naya RiveraSpeaking of things on “Glee” I’m glad for.

Det. Sexy McBadass & Dr. Smartypants

2011-12-12T00:15:00.000-08:00

So, you know I love me some “Rizzoli & Isles” (henceforth alternately known as Det. Sexy McBadass & Dr. Smartypants). And it’s going to be mighty hard to beat the gayzzoli of last week. I mean, Maura told Jane, “I love you.” So, not really so much subtext as regular old maintext now. But, as a dreamer, I can always hope for more. This week’s episode will be the one with Jane’s big high school reunion. I hope everyone thinks Jane and Maura are LLBFF at the event. I know, it’s not good to go back to the well – but when the water is so sweet, why not? Still, when writer imagination fails us, we always have the fanvids. Oh, fanvids. How you make the dirty things in our head spring to life on our screens.

Oh, and if you haven’t been checking out my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps on Wednesdays over at AfterEllen would it help if I told you a mutual friend of ours has?

You know, no big, it’s cool. Just Sasha Alexander saying she’s read a few of my recaps. Be right back, passing out – FOREVER.

My Weekend Crush

2011-12-09T02:15:00.000-08:00

Change can be a real bitch. It doesn’t comes right when you want it to. It always takes forever. Sometimes it seems it’ll never happen. But, still, we never have to stop trying, stop fighting, stop working to make it happen. So each step toward change, however small, is something to celebrate. Something to embrace. Something to hold up as a reminder that, yes, change is coming. It always comes. It is the only inevitability in life besides death. And that, in itself, is a change. So this week, when Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton stepped before the United Nations in Geneva and gave a speech declaring gay rights human rights. This isn’t a baby step. This isn’t even a regular step. This is history.

God, I love this speech. Hillary spoke for 30 solid minutes about gay rights. It is, quite simply, extraordinary. A few excerpts (but really, watch the full 30 minutes – you will not be sorry).

On human rights:

“Some have suggested that gay rights and human rights are separate and distinct; but, in fact, they are one and the same…. Like being a woman, like being a racial, religious, tribal, or ethnic minority, being LGBT does not make you less human. And that is why gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.”

On religious objections:

“This is not unlike the justification offered for violent practices towards women like honor killings, widow burning, or female genital mutilation. Some people still defend those practices as part of a cultural tradition. But violence toward women isn't cultural; it's criminal. Likewise with slavery, what was once justified as sanctioned by God is now properly reviled as an unconscionable violation of human rights. In each of these cases, we came to learn that no practice or tradition trumps the human rights that belong to all of us.”

On freedom of expression:

“Universal human rights include freedom of expression and freedom of belief, even if our words or beliefs denigrate the humanity of others. Yet, while we are each free to believe whatever we choose, we cannot do whatever we choose, not in a world where we protect the human rights of all.”

On creating change:

“We need to ask ourselves, ‘How would it feel if it were a crime to love the person I love? How would it feel to be discriminated against for something about myself that I cannot change?’ This challenge applies to all of us as we reflect upon deeply held beliefs, as we work to embrace tolerance and respect for the dignity of all persons, and as we engage humbly with those with whom we disagree in the hope of creating greater understanding.”

Chills, really, chills. Clear, direct, eloquent, forceful. It’s everything we want our leaders to stand up and say to the world. And, like Hillary herself admits on the speech, our “own country's record on human rights for gay people is far from perfect” and we “have more work to do to protect human rights at home.” No, the Obama Administration’s record on LGBT rights isn’t perfect. No, neither Obama or Hillary fully support gay marriage – yet. But still, this speech is a landmark worldwide. A message to the corners of the world where being gay is still a crime. A clarion call for equality across the globe.

You can read her full transcript here.

Her speech could not be more of a contrast to the new political ad put out by Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry also put out this week. In it, the want-to-be President of the United States says:

“I’m not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian, but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can't openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school. As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion. And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again.”

When people scoff about voting and say, “Oh, who cares, politicians are all alike,” show them these two videos. Sure, sometimes it’s hard to find perfection in our leaders. But then consider the alternative.

p.s. As distasteful as it is to watch, I urge you to take a look and then click the “DISLIKE” button to help make Perry’s hideous spot the most disliked video on YouTube.
p.p.s. But it’ll make your day infinitely better knowing that that Perry wore Heath Ledger’s iconic “Brokeback Mountain” jacket in his big, dumb anti-gay ad.

Hillary ended her spectacular speech with a call for change, that ever elusive yet always present creature. And it urged everyone to get on the right side of history. It’s what makes me know that no matter how hard the Rick Perrys and worse of the world try, they’ll never be able to truly stop change from coming. Delay it, sure. Aggravate it, definitely. But history has proven to have very little patience with those who deny its progress. As Hillary said, “no matter how long the road ahead, we will travel it successfully together.” Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Shirtless Edition

2011-12-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

They say no shirt, no shoes, no service. But in cases like these if you’re wearing no shirt, there’s no way you’re not getting serviced. Rimshot! Hey, it can’t all be high brow. Sometimes it’s just about the exquisite pleasure of a lady wearing a nice jacket without a nice shirt. And if that lady happened to be wearing a lovely garter set underneath, like Kirsten Dunst – well, that’s some extra special service coming up right there. Extra special, indeed.

Catherine Zeta-JonesBest black-tie optional attire ever.

RihannaOne of my goals in life is to have vacations like Rihanna.

Anne HathawayPeople seem worried about whether the new Catwoman will be sexy enough. I have to say, I’m not overly worried.

Keira KnightleyI wish Keira would go back to the short hair. You don’t know how much.

Eva GreenFrench women, amirite?

Amber HeardLots of you seemed concerned about informing me that Amber is now single. Good to know, very good.

Tilda SwintonRight, like one of these would be complete without a little Swinton.

Lauren Hutton & Christy TurlingtonI find shirtlessness most fun in pairs, too.

Demi MooreWell, I never said she needed to be wearing a jacket, too.

I Nuzzled a Girl

2011-12-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

Oh, son, you done gone stepped in it now. Last night newbie “Glee” writer Matthew Hodgson – who let’s face it was already on many gay ladies’ shit list for writing the “I Kissed a Girl” episode where no girls actually kissed – went and tweeted a fan that Brittany and Santana had already kissed. Yes, really. No, I am not kidding. Yes, I wish I was. But no, here is the tweet.

(Yes, I know all about that glowing article about him from yesterday on that other site with the initials AE. No, I have no comment. Yes, the timing is hilarious. But no, I still my comment is no.)

Fellow “Glee” writer Michael Hitchcock also replied to the same tweeter, with an extra special twist of contempt.

Here’s a small hint, dude, don’t tell a die-hard fan she doesn’t watch the show she probably spends more waking hours obsessing about than you do. Have you met this thing called “fandom?” If not, crash course – Fandom remembers everything. EVERYTHING.

Now, first things first, they are clearly both epically, epically wrong about Brittany and Santana sharing any sweet lady kisses (a fact which series creators Brad Falchuk and Ryan Murphy have themselves confirmed). That was The Great Neck Nuzzle of 2010 they’re referring to. Trust me, fellas, us gals have watched that scene over and over and over and over again and as much as we want there to be lip locking, there simply isn’t. An almost kiss is not a kiss.

Both Matthew and Michael have since deleted their respective tweets. Michael tweeted and then deleted an apology to the same fan. And Matthew tweeted and so far has left up a clarification of sorts to a different fan.

Hey, guys, there seems to be some serious confusions amongst the “Glee” ranks about what constitutes kissing. So, please, let me help you with some easy to understand visual cues.

THIS IS KISSING

THIS IS NOT KISSINGANY QUESTIONS?

Still what this whole weird mess really does – besides make me sad that maybe neither one of these fellows is all that familiar with what kissing really is in the first place – is makes me worried about what the hell is happening in the writers’ room. I mean, seriously, what is happening? I know continuity was one of the things everyone said they’d work on this season, and they have (they mentioned Tina’s former stutter and Santana’s Rocky Horror lips and Puck’s pool cleaning business). But to not know the basic romantic on-screen history of two major characters is a pretty Joe Biden-worthy Big Fucking Deal. Or, at least it should be a Big Fucking Deal.

Though perhaps, well, perhaps that’s the problem in the first place. Perhaps these characters – these beautiful, strong, queer female characters – aren’t really that big a deal to these writers. Perhaps they’re just a nice, pretty garnish to the show’s more important main dish. Perhaps getting things right like whether to girls who are in love have actually kissed on screen just doesn’t matter in their world. Perhaps they think we’ve gotten all the storyline from them we deserve already.

Well, if that’s the case, then I heartily welcome the writers to kiss my ass. Though, at this point, I have to wonder if they even know how.

UPDATE: Well, I give up. The show's only lesbian writer (and really only full-time female writer), Ali Adler, also thinks Brittana has already kissed. At this point, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. Maybe I'll just nuzzle someone I deeply love until I feel better.

Oh, we got Troubletones

2011-12-06T00:30:00.000-08:00

You guys, you guys. I am in love with a fictional high school glee club. No, not those darn New Directions. I mean, I used to love them but we were all so young and things were so different then. No, I’m in love with the new girls on the block. I’m in love with the Troubletones.

In a few spectacular numbers, this all-girls phenomena has not just won my heart but wrapped it around my finger and made me beg for more. In all seriousness, I would camp out overnight like a crazed Twilight fan to buy tickets to one of their shows. I have my sleeping bag ready. I am only partially kidding.

When I first saw their” Candyman” performance, I clapped and grinned. So much fun, so much energy. And then came the epic Adele “Rumour Has It/Someone Like You” mash-up. I couldn’t stop watching it and I’ll never stop loving it. So here comes the big Sectionals performance of “Survivor/I Will Survive” tonight. And I think the only way to describe it is to say “Oh, the house that was here? Yeah, it’s gone. The Troubletones brought it down.”

Oh, kittens. Second 53, Second 53.

[region-free link]

But what is more extraordinary, what is more sensational, what makes them not just another group that sings and dances is that this is a group fronted by an amazing African-American young woman and sensational out lesbian Latina young woman and her fierce out bisexual girlfriend. And they’re proud and loud and OH MY GOD, YOU SAW THE BRITTANGO PART, RIGHT?

Also, important sidenote, the choreography they perform during “Survivor/I Will Survive” is known as “waacking,” a style that originated in gay black and Latino disco clubs in the 70s. I ignorantly called it “flail-y when I first saw it, which I apologize profusely for as I know basically nothing about dance history. Kids today are still doing the Charleston, right? I am, clearly, the last person on this Earth who should be commenting on complex choreography. If you really want to see flailing, just watch me dance.

So, in that context, having the Troubletones waacking to a mash-up of a popular gay anthem (and a kick-ass Destiny Child number) is really pretty awesome nod to both minority and gay culture for “Glee.” It’s an organic and empowering way to showcase ethnic communities many probably aren’t familiar with.

Which is why it pains me all the more that the Troubletones will probably lose. Now, stop throwing Slushees at me. I have NO IDEA whether the Troubletones will actually lose. I have no spoilers. I have seen no screeners. I know no insider information whatsoever. But, I do have a brain and eyes and a sense of history. This show is about Mr. Shue’s New Directions, not Shelby Corcoran’s Troubletones. This show is about Finn Hudson and Rachel Berry, not Mercedes Jones and Santana Lopez. So, there is really no way the Troubletones can beat New Directions that works into the narrative Ryan, Ian and Brad have created. Much to my continued chagrin, they are not the heroes of this story. We all know that.

So, again, we pretty much know the Troubletones won’t win. Or they will win, yet somehow still lose. Or there will be some sort of tie, yet somehow still lose. Bottom line, our sassy sisters of song will eventually be folded back into the New Directions. Could I be wrong? I guess anything is possible. But, I fear, tonight will be the last we see of these girl-power, minority-empowering Troubletones.

So, then, I will let them have their mighty swan songs. A look back in wonder.

Rumour Has It/Someone Like You

[region-free link]

Candyman

The petition for a Troubletones spin-off starts here.

Naked Lady Monday

2011-12-05T00:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, only 20 shopping days left until Christmas. But don’t let the crass consumerism of what should be a season of reflection and thanks get you down. Because there are still joys to be had that cost nothing. Well, next to nothing. OK, in real life this sort of thing would take at least dinner first. Possibly several dinners. Some sparkling conversation. Plenty of wine. And, you know, a fantastic personality. I mean Michelle Rodriguez doesn’t strip down to her birthday suit and cover herself in what appears to be tar for just any old lug. But, for you today, it’s totally free. Nothing says happy holidays like a bunch of naked ladies, amirite? Holly jolly, indeed.

Monica BellucciI’m not sure how she tears herself away from the mirror each morning. I mean, the view – Jesus, the view.

Carla GuginoThat “Spy Kids” is what most of Americans know her from is a tragedy of epic proportions.

Lady GagaI still haven’t figured out if this picture turns me on or frightens me. Either way, I’m going to keep looking until I figure it out.

Sara RamirezSometimes I can’t decide if I’m more jealous of Jessica Capshaw* because she gets to kiss Sara Ramirez…

Jessica Capshaw…or Sara Ramirez for getting to kiss Jessica Capshaw

Angie HarmonI am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her voice. I am attracted to Angie Harmon because of her… Wait, what were we talking about?

p.s. Don’t forget to catch the Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps Wednesdays on AfterEllen.

*Total brain fart on the Jennifer/Jessica thing. So many ladies, so many names, one little brain to remember them all. Apologies.

My Weekend Crush

2011-12-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

Amber Heard is proof that God loves lesbians and wants us to be happy. I mean it, just look at her. Look at her. Truth be told, I tried to resist her charms for the longest time. She’s kind of too perfect. I tend to prefer a little imperfection – a rough edge, a quirky tick. Something that hints that this specimen of humanity is indeed all-too human. But Amber, Amber is the dream. She is the ideal. Sometimes, when I see pictures of her on the red carpet, I can’t believe they’re real. Those artists in the Hollywood dream factory couldn’t have drawn her up better themselves.

But aside from being just gorgeous wrapped in ridiculously gorgeous, she is that even rarer of creatures – a Hollywood starlet who is out and proud. I can’t really over emphasize the importance of this, particularly in light of all the talk recently about on-screen outing. No one had to out Amber. She did it herself. She did it before she was famous, before she was on the billboards. She showed up at events, arm-in-arm with her beautiful girlfriend and called her as much. She goes to protests. She speaks for equality. No one has to whisper and wonder. She shouts it with pride herself. Her openness about her sexuality is almost more beautiful than she is. Almost. Just imagine if everyone in Hollywood felt the same way. She is that daily reminder that we are everywhere, and sometimes – just sometimes – we even look like Amber Heard. Happy weekend, all.

It's time

2011-12-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

This video has been making the rounds this week, getting passed from friend to friend and site to site. It’s lovely, just lovely and I won’t ruin anything for you if you haven’t seen it yet. And even if you have seen it, watch it again with me. I’ve watched it a good half dozen times and each time get that lump anew. But it’s a good lump, such a good lump.

You know, every time I write passionately about pop culture, someone will inevitably tell me to lighten up. It’s fiction, idiot. It’s make believe, dumbass. It’s not real, loser. Get a life! This is always terribly edifying. I’m so glad someone finally let me know. This is truly life-altering news. Next thing you’ll be telling me you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Crazy.

Aside from wondering why these people are on a pop culture site in the first place since they’re clearly so busy doing important things with their lives like collecting unicorn tears to cure global drought, I always want to ask if they think art – even popular art – happens in a vacuum. Sure, we use it to entertain. But we also use it to illuminate, to educate, to elucidate, to fascinate. At its best it’s not just a mirror to reflect our current reality, but a powerful looking glass which we can travel through to imagine a world exactly how we want it.

And popular art, pop culture, matters exactly because of its popularity. It’s our mass opiate, but with more than just the ability to get us high. It came make us think. It can help change who we are. So, then, if a show about a bunch of high school students who sing and dance can help someone, somewhere out there understand the world just a tiny bit better, why not embrace that? And if a show that can help people misses an opportunity to do so, why not call it out and demand it improve? Is it a cure for cancer? No. But it’s something that has the potential to impact masses.

And in a world when we still aren’t as free, as equal, as accepted, as embraced as everyone else, every little bit of positive representation counts. If even a dumb old commercial can make you cry, it matters. It all matters. So here’s to art, in all its forms, the high brow and the low brow. The popular and obscure. The message filled and even mindless. May we never stop demanding it be better. May we always look to it to show us who we are, and who we’d like to be.

Out, out damn Gleek

2011-11-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

I defend “Glee” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like there were stretches where I felt like all I did was defend my love of “Glee.” So, in that respect, I feel I’ve built up a close-to lifetime supply of goodwill for this silly little show about a show choir in Ohio with a magical costume and backup dancer budget that makes trickle-down economics seem positively Keynesian.

So now, now I feel like burning through a little of that goodwill. If fact, I feel like setting the whole house on fire and watching the flames lap loudly against my still raging soul. Why? Well, because last night’s episode of “Glee” really fucking sucked.

It didn’t just suck because of the normal inconsequentialities and flagrant inconsistencies that can make “Glee” so frustrating for people who insist on living in a fact-based reality. I’m saying it sucked because for a show that prides itself on sending a message of tolerance and diversity, it sent a message of consequence-free outing and white-male salvation. It was severely misguided to give it the benefit of the doubt, and a few of those dreaded –ist and –istic words if you don’t.

Also, don’t get me started on the fact that the episode was called “I Kissed a Girl” and no girls actually kissed. (That cheek kiss was cute and all, but come the fuck on.)

What “Glee” can sometimes do well is peel back the skin of a significant social issue and expose the beating humanity underneath in a way that helps everyone understand it better and therefore fear it a little less. It’s how things change in the world, by realizing we’re really all not that different.

What “Glee” can sometimes do badly is take a significant social issue and simplify it down to a glib streak of superficial cheerleading and then preen itself wondering why it’s not being slapped on the back and handed cigars for the beautiful bundle of enlightenment it has just birthed unto the world. That’s how people self-congratulate themselves without changing a damn thing.

I mean, the whole show started out on the wrong foot with Santana being punished for slapping Finn. Granted, physical violence – even the deserved kind – is unacceptable and should be dealt with. But Finn outed Santana. And that may not be physical violence, but it is psychological violence. And, no, do not trot out the “Finn didn’t mean to out her and couldn’t know it’d turn into a political ad” malarkey. He yelled it at her across a crowded high school hallway. He’s dense, but he can’t be that dense.

But instead of handling the fallout from this outing. Instead of delving into its ramifications. Instead of showing while, even if unintentional, it was wrong. Instead of all that, Finn is turned into some kind of gay awareness superstar and the episode becomes A Very Special Intervention Outing Glee. Never mind that last season, when Kurt was being seriously bullied by Karofsky and then discovered he was actually also gay, he took great and extraordinary pains not to out him. Never mind that Kurt did this because Karofsky wasn’t ready and it would be wrong to force someone who isn’t ready out of the closet. Never mind that as recently as last episode, Mr. Shue, Coach Sylvester and Kurt’s dad all seemed super concerned about how terrible it was that Santana was being outed.

Nope, instead there are absolutely, positively, unquestionably zero consequences for Finn outing Santana. Not a talking to from Kurt, his gay step brother. Not a lecture from Burt, his super gay friendly step-dad. Not a dirty look from Rachel, his has-two-gay-dads girlfriend. Nope, just a gold star for essentially blackmailing Santana to come out or risk suspension from school. Isn’t he a stand-up guy? Hey, kids at home, out your friends and be a hero. Everyone’s doing it! Yay! Outings! YAYYYYY!

Look, life is better when you are out. This is almost universally true. But there are very real consequences for coming out for some – including but not limited to isolation, violence and worse. And there are equally real consequences for being outed – consequences which weren’t even glossed over. They were entirely ignored.

Also, what the hell was that throw-away line from Santana about: “I told my parents last night and they were actually OK with it.” How many exceptional scenes of the Kurt & Burt show did we have when he was dealing with his sexuality? Granted, it doesn’t and shouldn’t be the same response. But it shouldn’t be an afterthought. We didn’t even get to see Santana’s parents, let alone a whole paragraph of dialogue about their reaction?

The one well-played and meaningful scene in Santana’s entire outing saga was her quiet, powerful talk with her abuela at the kitchen table. That’s what “Glee” can do well, when it wants to. That’s the raw human condition that brings us all closer. That’s real fucking life.

Also, my heavens, how spectacular has Naya Rivera been through this whole mess? So spectacular. I will go down with the Brittana ship. I will be the violinist clinging to the deck as the water pours savagely into the hull. That’s how much I enjoy these characters and these actresses.

But, lord, do they deserve better than last night. In fact, this is the worst-case scenario I dreaded when I first heard spoilers about Santana’s outing. That it would happen in a “it’s for her own good” kind of way without any repercussions therefore sending the message that outing people because “dude, the whole school already knows” is perfectly OK and probably a good thing and possibly something they’ll give you a medal for.

The thing is, you can help your friends come out. You can support them. You can listen to them. You can encourage them. You can be there to dry their tears and squeeze their hand and find their strength. But that’s not outing. That’s not taunting someone with the possibility of the person she loves not loving her back. That’s not calling her a coward. That’s not what happened That’s not the kind of private, careful, meaningful support “Glee” showed. Not even close.

p.s. This would have been a wonderful place for, say, Brittany – you know, Santana’s girlfriend – to come in and privately encourage her. Brittany, who has been so supportive of Santana throughout her whole journey. Brittany who loves Santana more than anyone else in this world. But, no, that wouldn’t fit into the show’s pre-destined hero mold.

Speaking of that and this whole “it’s for her own good” shit, what was with all the menfolk being the saviors for the womenfolk this episode? Oh, I get it. This is the “Glee” where the boys all saved the girls from themselves. Gee thanks, mister. What would those frail ladies with our crazy lady brains have done without the guidance of a Finn or a Puck last night? Poor closeted Santana and poor nutso Quinn might have gone on forever without being rescued. And if men weren’t saving women, women were sacrificing themselves for me. Like Rachel turning herself in for Kurt. And when women weren’t being saved by men, or sacrificing for men, they were fighting over the big lugs (i.e. world’s least likely two points on the bottom of a man-topped love triangle, Sue and Beiste).

Oh, and of course there was the obligatory superficial female empowerment this episode. You know, when all the Glee gals rallied around Santana for a little girl-on-girl power in the form of that ridiculous, ridiculous ode to drunken making out. Still, as much as I hate hate hate that song, I couldn’t hate hate hate the performance because that, again, is the power of “Glee.” It takes preposterous things like a 30-year-old arena power ballad about believing and makes it give you automatic goosebumps. So, yes, I tried my best to set aside my hatred for Katy Perry’s co-opting of lesbian culture to enjoy the unapologetic eye candy of every Glee girl ship, crackship and ship you never knew you shipped cavorting together for our pleasure.

Still, we haven’t even begun to touch on Quinn and her storyline of pure crazy and the Puck-Shelby teacher-student carnival of inappropriateness. If we did, we’d be here all week.

Yes, I enjoyed the cheek kiss and thumbs up. And yes of course I enjoyed the big Brittana hug (though hello – NOW KISS). And, hell, I’ll even rewatch that ballot smooch. But, no, I do not have to accept that an episode titled” I Kissed a Girl” featured exactly zero girls actually kissing each other. And, no, I do not have to accept that an episode about coming to terms with one’s sexuality was really about the benefits of outing. And, oh hell no, I do not have to accept that in an episode that should have been all about women, men were its central heroes.

Also, I will never forgive Finn Hudson for ruining Cyndi Lauper for me. Or, as Santana put it so eloquently: “Thank you, guys. Thank you Finn, especially. You know, with all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”

Oh, Santana, honey. We’re right there with you.

Funny business

2011-11-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

After a long holiday weekend sometimes it’s not the first day back that takes it out of you the most, but the second. On the first day you’re still chatting with your co-workers about what you did, what you ate, what you wish you hadn’t done or eaten. But on that second day, boy, does it ever set in that this is a regular old work week. So, to shake off some of those reality sucks doldrums, I thought today we could all just laugh together. Like big, hearty, don’t be drinking any liquids laughing. Are you ready? All together now. Let’s laugh off a tiny sliver of that whole pumpkin pie you consumed over the weekend.

G-L-O-R-I-A

What better way to reflect on a holiday about giving thanks for our great melting pot of a country than to make fun of foreigners’ accents?

Warehouse 13 Gag Reel

Bollocks. That is all.

Anna Torv

Anna Torv in a cop uniform. Hot. Anna Torv using female stereotypes to write an enormous ticket? Hot and hilarious. Also, love the baton thing at the end.

Cat & Pamie

Remember that commercial for KY Intense that featured the lesbians? Well here’s a real-life lesbian, Cat, (and her not-real-life-lesbian friend, Pamie) actually using the product. I swear to God, this made me laugh so hard, a little pee came out. It burns! It burns!

There, now that burned off at least, what, one of the mini-marshmallows on your sweet potato casserole, right

They're back (at being so gay)

2011-11-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

Hey, you know what day it is? “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext-O-Rama Day, that’s what day it is. Everyone’s favorite totally heterosexual – except when they’re not being heterosexual, which is kind of always – Boston police detective and chief medical examiner are back. Can you contain yourself? Don’t even try. Having seen the episode I can assure you that our ladies of law enforcement are no less gay. In fact, they are so gay. So, so, so, so gay. And, if you don’t believe me, please believe the evidence. Here are five irrefutable reasons Jane and Maura are totally gayzzoli for each other.

p.s. Check out my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps at AfterEllen on Wednesdays for this short five-episode winter return. (Yes, Wednesdays, not Tuesdays. I need the extra day to not die of exhaustion, trust me.)

My Weekend Crush

2011-11-25T00:30:00.000-08:00

I have very few stead-fast winter traditions. I don’t put the decorations up on a certain day. I don’t roast chestnuts on an open fire. I don’t rush out to sled at the first fallen snow. But, come on, I live in California so that last one isn’t really my fault. What I do always do is open presents on Christmas morning (not Christmas Eve, that’s just impatient crazytalk). I always watch “The Snowman” with my family (well, when I’m with my family). And I always start playing Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson’s “Winter Song” on an endless loop. Here after a day of much turkey and lying flat, I finally feel ready to admit that winter is well on its way. So now, now I’m ready to press play. Something about this song with its delicate melancholy makes my heart just melt. It’s a harvester of light through cold, dark nights. I fell in love from the first second I heard it. And, once the season changes back, I fall in love all over again. Welcome, winter. Happy weekend, all.

She's trying to teach me how to cook

2011-11-24T00:15:00.000-08:00

I am not a good chef. I’m just not. I enjoy food, a lot. But my culinary expertise pretty much stops at “How do you like your eggs?” (Though, I am good at eggs. So, you know, feel free to stay for breakfast.) Still I do love watching other people cook, especially if those other people are hot ladies. So on this day of feasting in the United States, here is one of my favorite cooking scene pretty much ever. If learning to cook was always like this, I’d be well on my way to being a master chef. Happy Thanksgiving, all.

p.s. The only way that scene could have been better is if they kissed at the end, like they clearly wanted to. Idgie and Ruth, my first OTP.

Dinner and a movie

2011-11-23T00:30:00.000-08:00

As soon as that crisp comes into the air, I think of two things. One, how much of a pain in the ass it will be to have to travel during the holidays. I mean, really, airports at Christmas are the least merry places on Earth. And then the second, is what movies are going to make me run out to a theater near me soon. All the trailers for the big Serious Oscar Contenders start to roll out. And then the super advance trailers for next summer’s blockbusters muscle in as well. It hasn’t been a great movie year for me so far. I mean, I’ve seen some I liked (Harry Potter, I really liked Harry Potter – along with the rest of the planet), but not really that many. A few trailers for upcoming films have already caught my eye, like “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and “Albert Nobbs.” So now it’s time to look at some more films coming up soon (or soon-ish) with great female leads that look worthy a $23 tub of popcorn.

Pariah (December 2011, limited)

God, I hope this movie gets a wider release. I really, really do.

The Iron Lady (December 2011)

Not because of Thatcher, all because of Streep. Also Giles (I see you, Anthony Stewart Head, I see you.)

Haywire (January 2012)

To die between mixed martial arts fighter Gina Carano’s thighs? Um, I can think of worse ways to go.

The Hunger Games (March 2012)

OK, OK. I’m convinced. Bring on the dystopia and bows and arrows.

Snow White and the Huntsman (June 2012)

Yes, K-Stew in shining armor is nice. But make no mistake, I am seeing this movie for Charlize. Evil, succubusy, gorgeous Charlize.

Brave (June 2012)

Is it possible to be envious of an animated character’s hair? Because, I am. Also, her feisty attitude ain’t bad either.

Right. So, now the only question is do you want extra butter on your popcorn or not?

SGALGG: Thankful Edition

2011-11-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

You know what we haven’t done in a while? Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals, or what I like to call SGALGG – that acronym that sounds like you’re choking on a cracker. But this being a week where we give thanks to what we’re thanksful for, I am thankful for how delicious two straight ladies look when they’re acting totally gay. Also, cheese. I’m thankful for cheese. But mostly the thing about how beautiful two women can look together. Like, for instance, Cate Blanchett and Nicole Kidman. Now that is an attractive couple anyone would be delighted to invite over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Lea Michele & Michelle ChoHow dare she cheat on Dianna like this.

Lisa Edelstein & Dianna AgronDianna, as you can see, did not take Lea’s indiscretion lightly.

Emily Blunt & Allison JanneyIt is taking all of Emily’s will power not to look down.

~~Tracie Thoms~~ Shanola Hampton & Emmy RossumShanola* is all, “Honey, not here. Later, later.”

*Apologies, she looks so much like Tracie in that picture. Also, I’ve never seen Shameless.

Mary McCormack, Gina Gershon & Kathryn HahnIn Gina’s defense, Mary clearly doesnt care if people look her in the eyes or not.

Jennifer Carpenter & Julie BenzIf only Deb and Rita had dated instead. For one thing, Rita would probably still be alive.

Maggie Q & Aisha TylerIf they just keep smiling, maybe no one will notice the piece of Maggie’s jacket Aisha ripped out earlier while, um, you know.

Gillian Anderson & Kate WinsletNow Kiss. Now Kiss. Now Kiss. NOW KISS.

Olivia Wilde & Sasha AlexanderSo, admittedly, they’re not doing anything particularly gay together here. But seeing them together is making all women all over the planet gay.

Body of a Greek goddess

2011-11-21T00:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, I’ve been talking about Jaime Murray a lot lately. No, I will not apologize. I mean, have you seen her? You have eyes, right? Have you seen her in a bikini? In fact, my Jaime Murray obsession of late has yielded some unexpected fruits. And, yes, I mean fruits in the totally gay way. So allow me to please take you back in the my way-back machine (you say potato, I say Tardis) to a little year known as 2008. Yes, kids, think back to when we all were still starry eyed about that Hope-y Change-y thing and a show called “Valentine” appeared on our TVs. Now, you probably do not remember this show. I do not remember this show. That’s because it aired for only aired four episodes on the CW before being canceled (the last four episodes were burned off the next summer).

But those who do remember it, or those who are similarly ~~obsessed stalkers~~ diligent researchers like me may have found a few of the episodes online. And this is where we all have to thank Al gore again because what I found was this entirely delightful, totally gay episode of “Valentine.” First, let me set the premise for you. “Valentine” is about a group of immortal Greek gods living in modern day and acting as matchmakers for unsuspecting folks. Jaime plays the matriarch of the family, Aphrodite. One look at Jaime in her bikini and you will know where the saying, “Body of a Greek god” comes from.

The Valentine clan also enlisted a mortal human writer to help them in their matchmaking. Among their cases is an adorable little lesbian couple who dated in college. Oh, first girlfriends, how we never really escape you. If you have 20 minutes to spare, this is really too cute to pass up. Also, you get to hear Jaime say, “I’ve always had a soft spot for lesbians.” Yeah, you’re clicking play right now, aren’t you?

See? So cute. Also, the first time Aphrodite and their human sidekick meet, this happens. (Come on, I know you have a minute and 39 seconds to spare.)

I think Jaime’s Aphrodite and Anna Silk’s Bo need to get together and make the whole universe feel alright. Or, at very least, us ladies.

My Weekend Crush

2011-11-18T04:15:00.000-08:00

Goddamit, if I “2 Broke Girls” more doesn’t make me laugh like an idiot. I know, I know – there are still some problematic racial overtones. Though, thankfully, they’ve begun toning those down a bit. And, no, it’s not necessarily high art. And, yes, I still think the horse is crazy. But, fuck it, sometimes you just want to chuckle uncontrollably at the sight of two girls stuffing cupcakes down each other’s shirts. Plus there’s absolutely no denying the comedic and comely charms of Kat Dennings. She’s really why I tuned in in the first place. (Well, that and friendo to the lesbians Liz Feldman writes for the show.) While Kat’s delivery bothered me at first, it has developed a nice rhythm now that is her own distinct style. I also like that she’s not a bean pole (we’ve got the equally delightful Beth Behrs for that already). Heavens, does her waitress uniform fit her ~~tightly~~ nicely. I hadn’t seen Kat in much before the show. But from what I can gather she’s a geek dream girl alternative to Zooey Deschanel. For those who prefer their ladies with a little more vavoom and a little less cutsie. And I have this unstoppable urge to touch her oversized upper lip. And her milky skin. I think they’d be soft – so soft. Happy weekend, all.

Liz + Leslie = Happiness

2011-11-17T00:15:00.000-08:00

Do you know who I haven’t talked about in ages. I mean, really, AGES? My Fake TV Wife Tina Fey. As much as I’ve been enjoying the new fall TV season and some of its very promising additions, I can’t help but feel a little empty, Tina-shaped place in my heart. With “30 Rock” being delayed until mid-season, I’ve missed my weekly dose of Liz Lemon more than you can imagine. It’s not that I don’t love (love, love) the unbridled optimism and adorable competence of Leslie Knope each week. I’d be totally lost without at least a little Knope in my life. But I need the yang to that yin. I need me some Lemon. The sharply sour to all that smartly sweet. And now, as I mentioned earlier this week, the TV gods has seen it within their generous hearts to make my wildest dreams come true by programming “30 Rock” and “Parks & Recreation” back-to-back at 8 and 8:30 starting Jan. 12 on NBC. I’m already creating a “Do Not Disturb, I’m Lemon-Knoping” sign to hang on my virtual doorknob. Having Tina Fey and Amy Poehler properly together on the TV lineup means all is right with the universe again. It means two terrific comedies with two equally terrific examples of strong females who know how to bring the funny will be filling our lives for a solid hour each week. And with that, how about we get a little taste of what makes Liz and Leslie such perfect compliments to each other. Finally, my Thursday nights will be perfect again.

On Female Stereotypes

Liz on her period.

Leslie on every other stereotype.

On Food

Liz loves her Night Cheese.

Leslie loves her breakfast food.

On Bad Accents

Liz goes Jamaican.

Leslie goes cockney.

On Valentine’s Day

Liz likes oral.

Leslie likes gals.

On The Gay

Liz knows lesbians.

Leslie knows gays.

See, perfect. Hurry back to Amy, Tina. We’ve all missed you two together.

Out of this world

2011-11-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

Being gay means lots of things. It means you fall in love a little differently than most of the world. It means you are hated irrationally by some of the world. It means still don’t have all the same rights as the rest of the world. And it means you’re going to have to tell the world you’re gay and therefore all of those different, hated, unequal things in the first place. It’s a lot to ask of a person to admit to. Yet so many of us do because to not would mean to not be who we really are.

Still, coming out is always your choice. Because it’s your life. And no one can tell how to live your life. And no one can tell you who you are. Only you can do that for yourself. At your own time. When you are ready.

Last night’s “Glee” was many things. It was way too focused on the vomit-inducing student-teacher cliché that is Puck and Shelby. It was way too invested in this ridiculous Crazy Quinn storyline and its equally ridiculous commentary on adoption. It was too confused about election law and what constitutes legal, non-slanderous political advertising. And it was probably way too close to home for many young or questioning people who aren’t out of the closet.

Let’s get this out of the way immediately: No one has the right to out you. When you come out is up to you, period.

So then just because Santana can be a raging bitch sometimes, doesn’t mean she deserves to be outed. Just because she’s mean to Finn, doesn’t mean she deserves to be outed. Just because she hasn’t made the decision to be out for herself yet, doesn’t mean she deserves to be outed. Santana did not deserve to be outed.

The last four minutes of “Glee” last night were particularly powerful. And, no, not just because that Adele mash-up is still SOFA KING AMAZING even after 3,876 repeat viewings. But because it showed, through Naya Rivera’s extraordinarily nuanced performance, what it means to be outed. You can see Santana’s whole world crumble in an instant. “I can’t believe this is happening.” “I haven’t even told my parents yet.” It’s all there, on the surface. The panic. The fear. The despair.

And here’s the other thing about being gay. Straight people, even the super allies and the most supportive, they can’t know what it is to come out. They’ll never have to do it. They don’t know what it means. What a big step it is. What a difficult confession it can be to even just to ourselves. That’s not really their fault, but it’s also not their place to judge. So when Finn tells Santana in a crowded school hallway that she should come out of the closet, that’s not just getting revenge – that’s imploding a life. And when he calls her a “coward” for not being out, well, that is almost as bad as outing her. Also the stuff about Brittany maybe not loving her back, that was just fucking mean.

Being in the closet can be a terrible burden. Carrying a secret can crush you slowly. But being ripped out of the closet before you’re ready is even worse. There could be very real consequences from being outed. Being kicked out to losing your job to being bullied to being beaten to even worse. So, then being ready to face that, being prepared – well, that’s everything.

But then, here’s the thing about being out. It’s better when you’re out. Maybe not right away. Maybe not for a long time. But it’s better to be open. It’s better to accept and embrace and love who you are for all the world to see. And once the world sees you, it’ll see you’re not so scary – we’re not so scary. Coming out matters because knowing a gay person makes it hard to hate us unconditionally. It’s easier to hate blindly what you think you don’t know or think you haven’t met. Because, make no mistake, we are everywhere.

That’s why there is one important exception to the outing rule. Those who hide their truth while actively using their power and position against us, they shall be afforded no quarter. Those conservative politicians who vote against our right to equality under the law, but shtup strangers in airplane restrooms. Those powerful players who call us an abomination, yet hire rentboys to tend to them on the weekends. That’s not coming to terms with oneself, that’s just pure hypocrisy. And that will not stand.

So, yes, it is better when you’re out. But that doesn’t mean it’s better before you’re ready, before you’re safe, before you decide. For some of us it’s a lifelong journey. And that’s OK, too. The goal is always to be honest and happy with yourself. So we get up each day, look ourselves in the mirror, and hope we like the person staring back at us – however long it takes. And when you do, we’ll be here. Because while you may feel alone, you’re not alone. That’s the other thing about being gay, you get a whole new family. And we love you, unconditionally.

Tank Top Tuesday

2011-11-15T00:15:00.000-08:00

Sure, it’s fall. A lovely crispness has crept into the air. The leaves are showing off with one last colorful hurrah. And soon it’ll be all mittens and scarves. But that doesn’t mean we have to abandon the beauty of the simple, sheer tank top. In fact, I would argue there is no base garment more suited to the layering process thus making it an integral part of any wardrobe through all four seasons. Or, at least that’s how I’m rationalizing it in my head. Also, pretty much every place you go has nice, toasty indoor heating. So, like the indescribably lovely Shelley Conn above, get autumnal with your tank tops to your heart’s content. Just, you know, bring a jacket for when you have to go back outside.

Anna SilkHoly Badass Blue-Eyed Bo, Batman. Super Succubus came out to play, and it was lip-licking good. Check out this week’s “Lost Girl” SnapCap later today on AfterEllen.

Lena HeadeyAs happy as I am to have Lena back on TV on the regular, her new “Game of Thrones” role requires she wear considerably fewer tank tops than her “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” gig did.

Sasha AlexanderAs excited as I am about the return of “Rizzoli & Isles” in two weeks, I’m also nervous. What if I’ve forgotten how to write a good subtext recap? Better pray extra hard to the gayzzoli gods Nov. 28th.

Camila GreySometimes I remember out of the blue that Cam and Leisha like to kiss on planes, and it makes my whole week.

Liv TylerI like that Liv has gotten a tad thicker since her dancing with Alicia Silverstone in her dad’s music videos days. It suits her.

Marsha ThomasonMarsha gets to kiss her gorgeous girlfriend on “White Collar,” and then get kissed by the gorgeous Kat Dennings on “2 Broke Girls.” Some women have all the luck.

Aubrey PlazaNBC is finally making my dream Thursday night happen and airing “30 Rock” and “Parks & Recreation” back-to-back at 8 and 8:30 starting Jan. 12. There is a TV god, and she loves me.

Diane KeatonDid you know Diane Keaton was on Twitter? She tweets some really interesting photos. She has a nice eye. Also nice on the eyes? Vintage Diane in a tank top.

The Swan Queen

2011-11-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

I have a new Sunday night obsession. Oh, don’t worry. My heart and pants (hot or otherwise) still belong to “Lost Girl” on Sundays. But, not being Canadian, I often end up watching closer to wee early hours of Monday. (p.s. Dude, that show takes for-freaking-ever to post.) But no, my Sunday night proper obsession is now “Once Upon a Time.” I was having a brief fling with “Pan Am.” But my interest in that show started to swan dive as soon as Dean got more screentime and the women were put on separate storylines instead of together for adventures. I canceled my DVR ticket, so to speak. But a show I’m excited to book my flight for (yes, I m totally overdoing the airplane analogies) and then some is its earlier evening network neighbor “Once Upon a Time.”

A feew episodes in and I’m pretty much hooked. And what I see is a mix of refreshingly reimagined fairytales led by strong female characters. This all makes sense if you know one of my favorite “Buffy” scribes Jane Espenson is a writer-producer on the show. It’s pretty much right up my wheelhouse what with the supernatural fantasy, powerful ladies and sly humor. That one happens to wear tank tops a lot and wield power tools is just an added bonus.

It also is the source of my latest, naughtiest ship. Yes, I totally ship Emma Swan and The Evil Queen (otherwise known as mean mayor Regina Mills). Part of it is the fantastic face-offs we’ve been treated to so far by Jennifer Morrison’s Emma and Lana Parrilla’s Regina. There’s a wicked, wicked chemistry there are the two women play their rivalry with palpable heat. In fact, I think they give each other the best hate eye sex I’ve ever seen.

It also helps that they’re already wearing each other’s clothes, as per last week’s “Enjoy my shirt, because that’s all you’re getting.” The little eyebrow arch from Emma is the thing that launches a 1,000 ships.

And then there’s the time Emma answered her hotel room door for Regina – in nothing but a tank top and underwear.

Oh, God, and the chainsaw! Sweet fancy fairytales, the chainsaw.

The lip quivering! With rage! My God, the hate sex between those two could burn down the world. Also, we have the perfect portmanteau for the pairing already: The Swan Queen. (HT, @mynlugon!)

I actually hope the show makes Regina somewhat more sympathetic, as she was in the first episode, so she’s less cartoony evil and more complexly troubled. Layers make everyone more interesting. Also they’re often flattering, you know, with winter coming up and all. Speaking of clothing, I sure hope they never increase the costume budget so Jennifer has to keep running around in tank tops and leather jackets. Because, woo doggie, do they suit her. This wardrobe is a vast improvement from all the lab coats and button ups on “House.” Man, did I miss her gorgeous, gorgeous face and perfect, perfect eyebrows on my TV every week. Plus now, she’s the cranky badass hero instead.

All this and we haven’t even discussed her mom Mary Margaret/Snow White. The lovely Ginnifer Goodwin and her pixie cut are custom-made for a fairytale. Also, I’m holding out a delusional amount of hope that Ruby/Little Red Riding Hood will turn out to like the ladies. Come on, the Manic Panic in her hair is a dead giveaway.

In summation, I hope to happily ever after for a good long time with this show. And I hope The Swan Queen keeps rage eye shagging each other into the sunset.

My Weekend Crush

2011-11-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

Clearly, I’ve had Adele on the brain the last 24 hours. And it seems so cliché to say you love Adele, because everyone loves Adele. Women, men, vertebrates, invertebrates, inanimate objects, imaginary friends. It’s impossible to not be awed by her voice. It’s criminal not to be moved by her emotions. Also that chin dimple? I fucking love that chin dimple. I really think Adele is one of the most beautiful women in music – not just her spectacular face, not just her spunky personality, not just her sublime voice (though sweet merciful Zeus, her voice), but her sane attitude about her art and self. She’s so refreshingly herself, so very outside of the corporate expectations of what a successful singer looks like in this day and age.

As Adele said herself in her Rolling Stone cover story earlier this year:

“My life is full of drama, and I don’t have time to worry about something as petty as what I look like… I don’t like going to the gym. I like eating fine foods and drinking nice wine. Even if I had a really good figure, I don’t think I’d get my tits and ass out for no one. I love seeing Lady Gaga’s boobs and bum. I love seeing Katy Perry’s boobs and bum. Love it. But that’s not what my music is about. I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears.”

Adele is gorgeous, and in a way that reminds you talent just needs a stage and a spotlight to shine. There’s nothing wrong with letting it all hang out, so to speak. But we also need to see it’s possible without the tits and ass. Talent is just talents. It doesn’t need any additional adornment to transport you someplace at once outside yourself and intensely personal. Also, there is no better therapy than singing at top volume in the car to Adele. “Someone Like You” in particular has saved me thousands in shrink fees. Happy weekend, all.

Someone like Brittana

2011-11-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

So, I woke up early intent on finishing another post this morning. And then I opened the Tweeter Machine and my feed was all my adorable Brittaniacs going, “Have you seen it? HAVE YOU SEEN IT?!” And now, after seeing it, I can safely say there is nothing else in the world I want to write about. Period. Full Stop. Just Brittana. And after watching The Troubletones do this amazing Adele mash-up of “Rumour Has It” and “Someone Like You,” I’m pretty sure it’ll be all you can think about, too.

[Note: Hit 1080p & Full Screen and just let the awesome wash over you.]

[Note 2:Here is a link to a region-free version for my international friends]

Don’t lie. You watched that like three times in a row, didn’t you? I know I did. Now, setting aside the video’s obvious emotional backstory (relax, relax – you know I’m going to get to it), the whole number is just gangbusters. Sorry, New Directions, but there’s a new sheriff in town and she is packing Adele in her holster. There is no musical ammo better. Look, I’m not sure if that metaphor worked, but just go with it.

I know this Tuesday’s “The First Time” was perhaps a letdown for those of us aboard the S.S. Brittana. They had zero moments (or even eye contact). But if this video from next week’s “Glee” is any indication, our adoration will be redeemed, and then some. I’ve been trying to avoid detailed spoilers, because I know some big Santana and Brittany developments are coming. Granted, I like knowing big-picture spoilers. In general plot developments, etc. But I’m loathe to know turn-of-the-screw episode minutia. Still, it seems unavoidable at this point to realize that some major Brittana emotions are brewing. The way Santana looks at Brittany when she sings, “I heard that you settled down, that you found a girl and you’re married now.” And then turns. And then looks at directly Brittany. Let’s just say Big Lesbian Feelings are happening in her heart, and my heart and everyone’s heart if it’s beating.

And, once again, I cannot be more impressed with Naya Rivera and her nuanced, powerful performance. It’s one thing to be able to deliver biting one liners. It’s another to be able to sing spectacularly. But this girl can also pack an emotional wallop. The Santana story arc in particular through the three seasons of this show is nothing short of spectacular. I don’t know what the future holds for Santana, but I certainly hope with all of my shipper heart that her love gets to last, and not hurt instead.

Call your girlfriend, no, really

2011-11-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

Remember last week when I was talking about us tiny humans sometimes doing beautiful things. Well, here’s another example. If you know Robyn, you know it’s kind of impossible to listen to her music without moving your body. The Scandinavian dancehall queen’s latest single is the incalculably catchy “Call Your Girlfriend.” I like it more each time I hear it. I also really enjoy her lack of pronouns past those of the eponymous girlfriend. OK, sure, I feel a little bad for said girlfriend. But, hey, the girl can’t help it. It’s different when we kiss. Anyway, the original version is just good, danceable fun. And if you saw this delightful Swede with the perpetually lesbionic hair perform it on Ellen a couple of weeks ago you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not, please enjoy.

Quick question: Is it just me or is Robyn wearing a girdle made entirely out of Calvin Klein underwear waistbands? Just checking.

Now, here is where the tiny human, beautiful thing part really comes into play. So, as us humans are want to do, we like to put our own twist on the original. So while trolling the depths of the series of tubes over the weekend, I happened upon this viral video of fellow Swedish singing group Erato doing a very special cover of “Call Your Girlfriend.” You could call it just an a capella version. But I won’t ruin it for you. Please, press play.

I know, right!? See what we tiny humans can do with beautiful voices, well-timed claps and a few empty cottage cheese tubs? Lovely, simply lovely. Well done, Sweden.

Tank Top Tuesday: Unforgettable Edition

2011-11-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

You would not believe how many of you have written me to tell me about “Unforgettable.” Like, so many. Emails. Tweets. Comments. I’m not saying you guys have been persistent, but the other day a paper airplane came through my window with “Have you watched Unforgettable yet?” written inside. So, I watched. And, ladies, I owe you a “You were right.” It’s not that I necessarily that I am blown over by the series itself. The pacing is a little leaden and Poppy Montgomery seems sorta sleepy. Also, the dialogue? A show about a woman who has the ability to remember every minute detail from her past has her actually says, without irony, “This memory thing of mine comes in handy sometimes.” Um, don’t go dusting off a space on your mantel for that Emmy just yet, writers. But, great googly-moogly, were you ever right about the tank tops. And the arm porn.

I’m not exactly sure how a police detective gets away with wearing tank tops every single day to work, but I am grateful for her ridiculous flaunting of the dress code. Or perhaps the tank tops are necessary for her to be able to remember things. Does her condition require she stays cool and has a full range of motion? I’m a few episodes behind so maybe I missed the explanation. But whatever the reason, I must applaud its results. Alright, ladies. You got me. You were so, so right.

So please enjoy this very special mea culpa edition of Tank Top Tuesday. Just making up for lost time. Tank tops + great arms + red hair = fairly unforgettable.

Plus she also wears lots of big silver rings. And you know how I have a thing for big silver rings. DVR: Set.

p.s. Since it has been such a long time since my last Tank Top Tuesday, please enjoy this bonus treat of hot chicks in tank tops wielding power tools. See, patience can be a good thing.

Let's get it on

2011-11-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about sex. No, not like that. OK, a little like that. But mostly I’ve been thinking about sex as it relates to my favorite TV lady couples. And right now, sadly, we really only have three sexually active lady loving lady couples on North American primetime television: Callie & Arizona, Bo & Lauren and Brittany & Santana.

Now, there are a few more you could technically count. Thirteen and her zero-lines-of-dialogue girlfriend who disappeared off to Mykonos on “House.” Special Agent Diana Berrigan and her girlfriend Christie who has appeared once in three seasons of “White Collar.” And then there’s Emily Fields, though I’m not entirely sure where her revolving door of girlfriends is right now on “Pretty Little Liars.” Also, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t slept with any of them which makes me sad for her girlfriends because, well, you’ve seen Emily – right?

So, back to our big three. Calzona is the most stable and established, clearly. They’re married. They have a child. They’ve also addressed the whole lesbian and/or married-with-kids bed death problem already. And while their screentime has been all-too-short this season, what we’ve seen seems to be pretty normal, healthy and relatively lusty. We’re going to just call them the happily marrieds and move along to the more confusing couplings.

Now, it’s probably (actually no probably about it, but go with me) unfair to compare the representations of sexuality on “Lost Girl” with that on “Glee.” One is a dark, adult show based on overtly sexual themes. The other is a mainstream, teen show based on high school kids singing and dancing at random. They’re very different, but they both feature same-sex female couples who have seen their relationship develop on a very slow boil through the seasons. And in that respect, they’re very interesting examples of contrast.

On “Lost Girl,” the lust and the desire has been out there for a while, with little actual sex both on-screen or off-screen to show for it. But the two times they did sleep together, they were both explicit and exemplary in their depiction of a relationship in its various stages (i.e. First time – tender, exploratory. Second time – hungry, urgent.)

But, they’ve also done an admirable job of showing both sweetness and tenderness amid the push-you-on-the-bed, pull-you-back-to-me-by-your-thighs hotness. (Ugh – still so fucking hot.) The animal instinct is balanced by the small kiss on the cheek the morning after. The protectiveness. The genuine care. Nicely done, “Lost Girl.” Nicely done.

Sure, we don’t know how this whole frozen Nadia-sicle thing is going to play out and whether it’ll all end in heartbreak and more succuface rebounds with pizza delivery drivers. But for now, for now it’s pretty perfect. And the sex is downright rocking.

Over on “Glee,” the sexuality between Brittany and Santana has been handled very differently. Granted, teen show v. adult show. Coming out story v. will-they-or-won’t-they story. But while all the sex in Bo and Lauren’s relationship has been out in the open, all the sex in Brittany and Santana’s relationship has been off-screen. And, make no mistake, they have sex. They have sex-is-not-dating sex. They have scissoring-doesn’t-mean-I-want-to-have-lady-babies-with-you sex. They have does-taking-a-bath-together-means-we’re-dating sex. They’re getting it on like bunnies in cheerleading costumes – we’ve just never seen it. Any of it. Not even one little sweet lady kiss. And that, that’s pretty bogus.

While I do like that they’re taking their relationship slowly and delving into its ramifications, I don’t like that somehow this one couple in the entire Glee universe hasn’t had a chance to even share a small smooch on screen. Rachel has kissed Finn, Puck and Jesse. Quinn has kissed Finn, Puck and Sam. Heck even Kurt got to kiss Blaine – and Karofsky. And Santana and Brittany have both kissed their male dates in straight (or misguided gay, in the Britt-Kurt case) pairings. But Brittana together – nada. Not even a kiss on the cheek. Brittany has kissed that damn little Elvis-haired leprechaun more than Santana on screen.

And, having seen a screener for this week’s new episode, I can tell you the odds don’t get any better. We have not one, not two, not three, but seven – yes, SEVEN – kisses between Finn and Rachel. Kurt and Blaine, by comparison, get two. For the gayest show on television, that’s still pretty damn straight.

Now, certainly, a major mitigating factor here is that Santana and Brittany’s relationship is not out. Santana is not out at all. So, the lack of PDA is understandable. But, the lack of showing affection in private is not. And therein lies the rub. “Glee” isn’t just set in the classrooms and hallways of McKinley High. We’ve been in the living rooms, the bedrooms, the cars and even the motel rooms of our favorite Glee Club members. And we’ve even been in both Santana and Brittany’s bedrooms. Yet somehow, they never took the opportunity to show a little affection – let alone a kiss.

Now, this would make sense if they were still dancing around the issue of being into each other. But these two gals have been making with the sexytime since they were sophomores at least. And now, as seniors, it’s kind of about time we got to see it. And I’m not just saying this to be the pervy perv who perks up at the thought of girl-on-girl action. (Though, come on, we all know I’m the pervy perv who perks up at the thought of girl-on-girl action.) I’m saying this because seeing it helps make it real.

This whole idea of Brittana is still very theoretical. We’ve been told they have sex, we’ve been told they’re taking baths together. We’ve been told they do all the tender, sexy, hot things real couples do. But aside from that one nuzzle scene in Britt’s bedroom and the occasional shoulder lean or pinky link, these two could very well be besties with a touchy-feely side. OK, there was also that tequila body shot. God bless you, tequila body shot.

Yet still we’re stuck in this infernal cycle of tell, don’t show. We want some show. We want it now.

To be fair, part of this is just “Glee” being “Glee.” I don’t think they’ve been particularly good at conveying love, lust or longing. Will and Emma? Good lord, these are adults who don’t have sex. Finn and Rachel? They certainly have the awkward part of teenage love down pat. And do not get me started on this severely misguided, totally overdone and ridiculously dumb student-teacher thing between Puck and Shelby. Do not. And even they’ve kissed.

When you have a couple with real chemistry like Brittany and Santana and actresses up to the task like Heather Morris and Naya Rivera, you shouldn’t squander the opportunity. Brittana means a lot to a lot of people watching out there at home. People who might be questioning their own sexuality. People who might need reassurance of their sexuality. People who just want to know that love can be possible regardless of sexuality. Sure the sweetness of Brittana has been wonderful. The little looks. The little touches. Holding hands under the napkin. My heart, heavens, my heart. But that doesn’t mean we can’t ask for – even demand – more.

This silly little show about a show choir means something much more than jazz hands and diva battles to so many people. They say a kiss is just a kiss. But when it comes to Brittana, a sweet lady kiss is just everything.

NOTE: Tierra de lobos is a Spanish, not Mexican show. Hence it is European, not North American. Otherwise, trust me, I would have included that caliente.

My Weekend Reflection

2011-11-04T00:45:00.000-07:00

It had been, for whatever reason, a long week. I don’t know why, but my birthday week always sits heavy on me. It’s not the actual act of getting older, because we do that every day. Perhaps it’s just the reminder of one’s own mortality. Small speck. Enormous universe. Silly, I know. And in so many ways it has been a perfectly lovely week. Calls. Visits. Cards. Gifts. All of the wonderful birthday wishes from all of you wonderful people. I couldn’t be more touched, kittens. You’re too sweet, as always. Yet still, every year, the week ends with a strange sense of not entirely melancholy, but quiet reflection. There is so much unnecessary misery around us sometimes – violence, injustice, inequality, greed. So sometimes, sometimes I just like to remind myself that we’re not just a bunch of hairless apes with an unusually advanced ability to use tools. We are also kind, loving, generous souls who believe in the magic of each new day. I posted this once before on my Tumblr. And since then I’ve actually played it for myself several times just as a little reminder. This is summer solstice in Poznań, Poland with 11,000 paper lanterns set to Mumford & Sons. Every once in a while, we tiny humans do beautiful things. Happy weekend, all.

We hold these truths

2011-11-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

In this seemingly never-ending march toward full equality, one thing is abundantly clear. The more you meet us, the more you realize how crazy it is to hate us. Us, of course, being the LGBTQ people of this world who are no different than everyone else save for this tiny little detail about who we love. So, with that I’m pleased to throw a little love behind the Self Evident Truths Project by the artist iO Tillett Wright. This photo essay is a bit like the NOH8 project, but less glitzy and more grassroots. It is backed by the Human Rights Campaign. The goal is to shoot more than 4,000-5,000 faces of LGBTQ people across the United States, hitting 25 cities in three big road trips. She started in New York, shooting more than 300 people. And now is on the first leg of her road trip, hitting San Francisco and Los Angeles in the next two weekends. And, best yet, if you want to be part of the project you can.

The shoot dates and times are such:

SAN FRANCISCO
FRI 4-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM BROADWAY WATERFRONT
SAT 5-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM PINK TRIANGLE PARK
SUN 6-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM DOLORES
MON7-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM UNION SQUARE

LOS ANGELES
FRI 11-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM ROOSTER FISH, VENICE
SAT 12-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM LOS FELIZ
SUN 13-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM AM (TBA)/PM THEABBEY
MON14-Nov-2011 10AM - 5PM HOLLYWOOD

To take part you must make an appointment via the Self Evident Project’s Facebook page or email selfevident2011@gmail.com with the subject “SF APPOINTMENT” or “LA APPOINTMENT” with a couple of time preferences.

They say there’s not much a single face in the crowd can do. But all those faces together making one big crowd, well, that no one can ignore.

Delovely DeWinslet

2011-11-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

Do you know who will never stop being delightful? Kate Winslet. I mean she’s almost so delightful it’s obnoxious. Like, “Ugh, delightful again?” But each time she speaks she has this lovely kind of nonchalant British charm that is just, for lack of a better word, delightful. Last month she was delighting us with her totally nonchalant acceptance of her son’s sexuality – whatever that may turn out to be. And before that she delighted us with her superhero exploits saving Richard Branson’s grandmum from a resort fire. But what really makes someone just over-the-top delightful is when she can be self-deprecating about just how delightful she really is. Like in her retelling her heroic feats during said fire. See for yourself.

I know. Ugh, so fucking delightful.

Lost get it on

2011-11-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

Right, so I actually had another perfectly delovely and delightful post planned for today. But you know what? It’s my birthday, so I’m going to obsess about sexy Doccubus time if I want to. And oh, how much sexy times there was to obsess about. Now, pop on over to AfterEllen a little later today and we’ll talk about the whole episode in the Lost Girl SnapCap. But right now, right now I just want to talk about the sex. I know, so shockingly out of character for me to skip right to the naughty bits.

But here is the thing about Bo and Lauren. Their sex scenes have been perfect. Too long in the coming? Yes. The slowest slow boil ever? Yes. Excruciating in their sexual tension? Yes, yes, God yes. But once they finally arrived? Perfect, just perfect. And here is why. While we’ve only had two all too brief sex scenes between our favorite bisexual succubus and her favorite human doctor, they’ve shown progress. Real, natural, organic, sexy as hell progress. Shall I dissect further? Of course I shall.

In their first love scene, it went how first times often go. It was tender, and a tad tentative. First times are exploratory missions, about finding one’s footing and making a good impression. Passion mixed with wonder. Like, whoa, is this really happening? Yes, this is really happening. Like, you know, this.

But then the second time, the second time went how second times often go. It was hot, and all hunger. Second times are singularly minded, about getting off and damning all niceties. Desire mixed with impatience. Like, why the fuck are these clothes here? Get these fucking clothes off immediately if not sooner. Like, you know, this.

But do you know what else makes Bo and Lauren’s second time so perfect? It wasn’t just the delicious, delicious tearing off of each other’s clothes to get to the juicy center. And the thing where Bo pulls Lauren back to her by her thighs. Her thighs. It was that kiss Bo gives a sleeping Lauren on the cheek. That gentle little moment tells us it’s not just sex. Not just a booty call. Not just a medicinal romp. It’s something more. Something special. Something like love. Now don’t fuck this up, Nadia. Or I swear I will have your cryogenically frozen ass turned into a popsicle.

p.s. Anyone else happily surprised by how much of a top our reserved Dr. Hotpants is? Also, how nicely her topping behavior shows off them guns? Go get ’er, cowgirl.

Happy (almost) Brittana Day

2011-10-31T05:30:00.000-07:00

WARNING: “Glee” spoilers ahead. All those wishing to be in the blissful dark, be gone. Everyone else, grab a flashlight.

I feel like tomorrow should be a national holiday, or at least a national gay holiday. And in a way, it is. For fans of “Glee,” tomorrow is when Brittana is on. Lots of folks thought this day would never come. Heck, I wasn’t even so sure. But I always hoped. And hoping out lout, really, that’s what made it happen. OK, hope is perhaps a nice way to put it – demanding is probably more accurate. Fans made this happen; I’ve said it once and I’ll never stop saying it. If it wasn’t for Brittana fans urging, pushing, threatening violence, Brittany and Santana’s relationship would have happily stayed a running joke on “Glee” without any real consequences. Instead here we are, nearly two years after we first learned that “sex is not dating,” and Brittany and Santana will officially be dating by the end of tomorrow night. Group hug, fandom, group fucking hug.

So now, once more before it is officially on, a look back in wonder.

I can’t think of a better birthday present tomorrow than Brittana being on, I really can’t.*

p.s. Though, as far as pre-birthday presents go, Doccubus being on last night was pretty fucking awesome as well. Be sure to read my SnapCap over at AfterEllen tomorrow.

*Vimeo took down my shorter Brittana moments video, so please enjoy this very comprehensive video instead.

My Weekend Crush

2011-10-28T01:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’ve been watching Martha Plimpton my whole life. Probably because I pretty much have. I mean she was in “Goonies” – “Goonies,” people. Then there were her River Phoenix years where unfortunately her relationship sometimes overshadowed her great work in movies like “Running on Empty” and “Parenthood.” Heck, she even gayed it up for us (with Ally Sheedy no less) in “Chantilly Lace.” Granted, I can’t recommend the film – it was one of those forgettable rentals during my Watch All The Lezzie Movies phase. But still, it’s always a nice gesture, regardless. And through the years she just kept popping up again and again. She went from mainstream movies to indie flicks, TV to Broadway. Working steadily and just doing what she does best. She is a master at playing not your average pretty girl. She was the smart girl, the funny girl, the interesting girl, the different girl.

And now, well now she’s found a home playing the hilarious mom (and grandma – don’t worry, a young grandma) on “Raising Hope.” I can’t say enough about how much I enjoy this show. I had less than zero expectations about and only started watching because I was too lazy to turn the channel after “Glee.”. But week after week it just continues to impress and make me smile. What’s great about it, and Martha’s character, isn’t just the zaniness. But while lots of shows can be zany, this one does it with real heart. These characters, who could easily just be tired stereotypes of hapless poor folks, are fleshed out. We really like them, warts and all. They’re endearing and charming and just an all-around hoot. And it’s Martha’s uncanny ability to be both over-the-top and totally relatable that holds the show together. She’s crazy, but in a believable way. Like, you know, family. Which is why having her back on my TV again week after week just feels right, like coming home. Happy Halloween weekend, all.

Fuckin Barkin

2011-10-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

Ellen Barkin is a broad in the truest sense. Some women are ladies, some gals, some chicks. But it takes a special kind of lady to be a broad. And Ellen, she is a real broad. She is also the world’s latest unlikely Twitter phenomenon. Part of this is due to her salty language, which falls somewhere between trucker and “Deadwood.” But part is also because she, like the true broad that she is, simply does not hold back for anyone’s sake – even her own. And that makes for some pretty entertaining tweeting. Take, for example, this small representative sampling:

She loves to say “fuck” and she hates the mornings. Truly a broad after my own heart.

Now if you’re familiar with Ellen’s work, her saucy language and saucy everything else should be no surprise. She’s famous for playing tough, and hot, broads. It’s something about that delightfully crooked smile. The right side of her lips Cheshire cats up with mischief while the left plays it cool through whatever comes. Plus there’s that delicious squint. And I’m really not kidding about the hot. Remember That Scene in “The Big Easy.” Then there’s That Scene from “Mercy.” Now, warning, this scene will leave you both hot and bothered – as the whole movie will. Though sadly more on the bothered side because let’s just say it does not end well for all parties involved. Nor does this clip. But heavens it’s fun while it lasts.

Like I was saying, one tough, hot broad. Now, Twitter being Twitter, everything isn’t exactly perfect on Ellen’s feed. She is a serial crazy abbreviator, especially recently (I’m not big on crazy abbreviations, frenz). And she is also a serial retweeter. Just because the RT button exists, doesn’t mean one should go abusing it. But Ms. Barkin’s droll 140s still have enough zing in them to keep me coming back. I mean, fuk ‘em if they can’t take a joke – right?

Gosh, doesn’t she seem liked she’d be a hoot to be friends with. And not just Twitter friends either.

p.s. Just so you don’t have to leave it to your imagination, this is how Peta Wilson picked up that woman with the beautiful gold necklace.

Solo sexy

2011-10-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

Where does this insane notion that Hope Solo is not sexy come from? I mean it, how has this happened? What bizarro universe have we stepped into when a strong, accomplished, hard-working woman at the top of her profession is constantly, cruelly being told she just isn’t the right kind of feminine. And the key here is “the right kind” of feminine. Which, as we all know, is totally fucking bullshit. Women are beautiful, period. This is just a fact. And what makes them so beautiful isn’t their uniformity but their differences.

When it comes to Hope, what makes her beautiful (besides her ridiculously good-looking face and body that should be sculpted in marble) is her power. Yet week after week these fucknuts on “Dancing with the Stars” keep forcing her to be something else. I mean, I know “Mad Men” and retro shows are having a moment, but let’s not take the trend too far and transfer those rigid gender norms on this century. I can’t believe I have to repeat this, but apparently I do. Hey, universe, there is more than one way to be “sexy.” There is more than one way to be “feminine.” Instead of squeezing everyone into the same box, why not appreciate the magnificent variety of boxes available in the world.

Also, if you didn’t think Hope getting lessons from those females dancers was just zomgsexy then you need some sort of eye transplant because yours are clearly not working. Also abs, abs forever.

The more I think about it, the more furious I become. It’s not that I have anything against constructive criticism of her dancing. Better footwork, more fluidity and the like – things that actually make you a better dancer. But I am incensed by this seeming attack of who she is. They seem to be saying that this strong woman can’t be sexy, can’t be feminine, is inherently manlike. This idea, again, that there is one way to be sexy and that’s the “Dancing with the Stars” way. So they’re just going to keep insulting her until she conforms. And that, that’s exactly the wrong way to make someone sexy. Shaming someone into sexiness? Yeah, that totally works. You know what works? Building up someone’s confidence. Playing to someone’s strength. Also, not being a fucknut.

And what’s even more infuriating about this whole unfortunate episode is Hope is the so-called “sexy” one on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She’s the one on the cover of ESPN’s The Body Issue and the one with the big endorsement deals. Are there other superstars on that team? Of course. Damn hot ones, too. Abby Wambach, Megan Rapinoe and many others. But Hope is the most stereotypically sexy of the bunch, and even she’s not sexy enough for these fucknuts on DWTS.

There’s a reason I don’t watch most reality TV, and this is it.

p.s. While my distaste for reality TV is very real (except for tasty, tasty cooking shows), I will give DWTS at least some credit this season for Chaz Bono. Lovable, huggable Chaz. The only reasons I tuned in (admittedly intermittently) to DWTS at all were 1) Hope and 2) Chaz. And I cheered both on, unabashedly. But my cheering for Chaz was purposeful, a middle finger to the hordes of hate. And, even though he left last night, I think he did a great service to folks watching at home who have never met anyone who fits the T in GLBT. Good job, man, very good job.

Slip you some Skins

2011-10-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

I love this news more than cheese. In fact, I’ve loved it since I was 12 – metaphorically. That’s right muff monkeys, you can now watch the entire first four season of “Skins” UK on Hulu. For free. Right now. This second. Did you not hear me? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

But, for those able to restrain themselves from ending all of their productivity for the foreseeable future and are still reading, let us discuss why this is such great news. First of all, whenever I write about “Skins,” at least half the comments are: “Where can I watch Skins?!? How can I watch Skins?!?! Will you help me watch Skins immediately so I don’t combust from my all-consuming desire for all things Naomily?!?!?” So here we have the answer. Hulu, my fans of intricately told intense British teen dramas with sophisticated same-sex storylines, Hulu.

Now, at this point I realize some of you are probably like, what is this bollocky wank shite? Why isn’t resident Skins Scholar and esteemed Naomily expert Heather Hogan telling me this news? You’re just a student with a crush. All true. Fear not, I make no claims to the levels of character understanding or narrative analysis as our beloved Heather. And you should definitely pop over to AfterEllen today to get her perspective on this news. (As an aside about the power of The Big Lesbian Phonetree, I actually discovered this news from a tweet from big gay supastar Hannah Hart.)

Right, but back to “Skins” (the UK one, not that American one we’ve all made a unspoken pact never to mention again) and why you should love it like it’s your lobster. The very best thing about Skins is that it’s messy. It’s gloriously, unapologetically, unabashedly messy. It veers from high camp to high drama, sometimes in the same breath. It thrashes about madly, showing off its sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll to anyone within earshot. But like many teenagers, that loud, obnoxious outside hides a raw, hungry inside. Growing up, falling in love, finding ourselves – these are the stories we all understand. We try and we fail and we do the wrong things for the right reason and the right things for the wrong reasons. These stories – for all their brash obnoxiousness – are only human. And we humans are a fucking mess.

All this and I haven’t even mentioned Naomily. Seasons 3 and 4 brought us the singularly amazing and universally relatable characters of Naomi Campbell and Emily Fitch. To be honest, I’m a little jealous of all the people who will now get to fall in love with them for the first time. Because you will. It’s the unstoppable force. Their storyline is one of the most heart-wrenching, most heart-warming, most heartfelt portrayals of gay teen love I have ever seen. And, really, not just gay teen love – but all love. Love is being scared. Love is being brave. Love is fucking up. Love is saying you’re sorry – no matter what that stupid movie says. Naomily is all those things. With oils, and stuff.

In fact, the best and only way to show those who do not know Naomily what Naomily is is just to show you what Naomily is. Now, I realize it’s probably a sin to skip ahead like this. In fact, I advise you to not skip ahead if you already intend to start watching the series. But, if showing you one of my favorite hours of television ever is the only way to get the doubters to watch from the beginning, then so be it. You’ll lose the delicious, complicated, hilarious, harrowing build up. (And, like with any new relationship, isn’t the anticipation almost the best thing?) In fact, this almost seems unfair. Because after watching this you’re sure to be a goner. A goner, I say.

There. Welcome to being in love. Now go forth and enjoy the phase where you drink in everything and anything you can about the other person – and need to see each other every second. Just lock yourself in your room with your Naomily and your Hulu. I’ll see you in about a month.

p.s. Apologies to my non-US friends. Geoblocking is a bitch, I tell ya. Also a bitch? Musical license fees. But Naomily with new music is better than no Naomily at all.

Hello, 60 percent

2011-10-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

So last week, this splashy headline came out that said “More than half of women are attracted to other women!” Hallelujah! Praise lesbian Jesus! All our dry spells are over. We have a better than 50-50 change of scoring with that cute brunette at the bar. Go get ‘em, tigers.

I mean, who wouldn’t be attracted to other women?

Women look like this.

And like this.

Also this.

Or this.

Other times that.

And even a little of this and that.

Of course, the reality is this news probably will not improve our ability to pick up hot straight chicks. The original report came from the UK’s Daily Mail, a publication notorious for loving sensational headlines and fuzzy math. That article about a Boise State study by a professor Elizabeth Morgan that was published in the Journal of Sex Research said that “60 percent (of heterosexual women) were sexually attracted to other women; 45 percent had kissed a woman and 50 per cent had fantasies about the same sex.” But, again, it’s the Daily Mail. So, you know, please feel free to chug your salt shaker.

Doing a little research of my own, I did indeed find a real study published in the Journal of Sex Research by a Elizabeth M. Morgan, a Boise State psychology professor, that looks at sexual orientation questioning among heterosexual women ages 18 to 23. The number of women in the study was different than the Daily Mail’s numbers (study: 333, Daily Mail: 484) and findings seem a little different. The real study found that “67 percent of exclusively heterosexual respondents indicated having thought about and/or questioned their sexual orientation.” Of those who have questioned their orientation, the questioning behavior broke down as “unelaborated questioning (19 percent), other-sex experiences (16 percent), exposure to sexual minorities (26 percent), assessment of same-sex attraction (48 percent) and evaluations of same-sex behavior (26 percent).”

Now I can’t be 100 percent sure these are the same studies, because of the differences in sample sizes and report percentages. (Prof. Morgan’s full article is only available for purchase and while I want to prove a point, and I don’t really care so much that I feel like shelling out $34.) And, even if it is the same study, the fairly small participant pool means I wouldn’t go making a bunch of universal proclamations based on it alone.

But, still, it adds research to that long-assumed truth that women are more sexually fluid than men. Or, at the very least, women are more willing and comfortable with being honest about their sexual fluidity. Or maybe we should just chalk it up to college. Besides learning how to shotgun a beer and sleep with your eyes open, students pretty much major in sexual experimentation during those years of academic excellence. This is also where that beer shotgunning thing can come in handy.

In the end, we don’t really need a study (or a fake study) to tell us that while we may not be able to hook up with all these some 60 percent of straight gal, we know they’re at least taking a look at us ladies. How could they not? I mean, look at us.

UPDATE: Wow, ask the universe and it delivers. I now am in possession of seven (SEVEN) copies of Prof. Morgan’s report. So looks like I’ll have some light reading to do this week. Thank you, thank you, kittens. You are, continually, the best.

My Weekend Crush

2011-10-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

Julie Benz is like milk and honey, with a shot of bourbon slipped in when no one is looking. That’s why 14 years ago Joss Whedon picked her to be the first thing we saw on screen to show us not to judge that proverbial book by its proverbial cover. That a show called “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” wasn’t as silly as its name. And that a blond-haired, blue-eyed, innocent in a schoolgirl uniform could turn into bumpy foreheaded, big-fanged undead killer. There’s more than meets the eye here. Since then Julie has continued to defy our at-first-glance expectations. She’s not just the pretty, wholesome blond. She’s also wickedly sexy. You can see it with a cock of her eyebrow – that delicious flash. Whether she’s the stripper with a heart-of-gold and an unexpected eye for the ladies on “Desperate Housewives” or the damaged, fragile single mom who turn into the humanizing force in the life of a cold, calculated psychopath on “Dexter,” she manages to surprise. Yet there is one thing about her that I think would be exactly as you’d expect. When she laughs, you just know she’d be a lot of fun to have a cocktail with, or several. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. You know, not that you asked, but I wanted to offer corroborating evidence on that whole wickedly sexy thing. What can I say, I’m thorough. French toast, anyone?

Making up for Lost time

2011-10-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

On Tumblr, those delightful kids have this meme where they compare expectation to reality. Expectation is always something amazinglyawesomekickasssexy. Reality is decidedly more disappointing. And, in a way, the same meme could be applied to this season of “Lost Girl.” Expectation and reality have clashed a bit. Many fans have grumbled, myself included, about the prolonged mopey teenage pining Bo has done over the end of her relationship with Dyson. I did not tune in to see a heartsick emo succubus. I tuned in to see an amazinglyawesomekickasssexy succubus going all badass and blue-eyed on the baddies (and sometimes also the goodies). I did not tune in for Dawson’s Fae.

Some of you have worried that the lovesick, less sexy Bo is because SyFy has picked up the series for U.S. air. Producers swore at Comic-Con over the summer that SyFy hadn’t asked for any naughty scene cuts (just a few naughty word bleeps). But, indeed, it could be a case of self censoring. The show has been tamer. It could also be a function of story. A lot of her sexytimes last season were with wolfboy and now they’re no longer together. Access problems can be a real thing, people.

But I think some of the problem may also just be growing pains. The series had a considerable growth spurt between its first and second seasons, expanding from 13 episodes to 22 episodes. So perhaps that extension has slowed down the storytelling. At this point last year we would have been almost half way through the season. Now we’re barely a fourth of the way in. They’d never have been able to stretch out a breakup like this last season, that’s for sure.

Still I am keeping the faith that our expectation and reality when it comes to “Lost Girl” will meet not just in the middle, but nearer the amazinglyawesomekickasssexy side very, very soon. If the last episode and its excruciation sexual tension between Lauren and Bo are any indication, we could be in for something good. Really, really good. That boob graze is a perfect surrogate for all of our lust. We want our Doccubus and we want it now. And if we don’t get some, well, then I will be the first to call unfair Docc Block on the show and its frustrating of our fangirl fantasies.

Look, “Lost Girl,” we can be patient. But we won’t wait forever. Give us the good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean some Dr. Hotpants pants dropping. Preferably this Sunday. Preferably every Sunday.

p.s. Don’t forget to check in every Tuesday on AfterEllen for your friendly neighborhood Lost Girl SnapCaps.

Hello, Mr. Nobbs

2011-10-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Glenn Close, handsome woman and, interesting, also a pretty handsome man. The trailer for the new film “Albert Nobbs” has me all kind of excited. Not just because Glenn is passing as a man to work in Victorian England. Not just because it looks like a cross between “Upstairs Downstairs” and “Tipping the Velvet.” Not just because Glenn romances Mia Wasikowska (actually, that weirds me out just a little – hello, 42-year age difference).

But because, well, it looks good. And Glenn looks terrific. And the whole thing could just be really, really interesting. Heck, I was excited when I first heard about the film, period. But now that there’s a trailer, well, sign me up for some complicated Victorian-era gender politics with a love triangle to boot.

Right? I just hope poor Albert doesn’t get his (her?) heart broken. I already have a soft spot for that strange, kind little man. Though if Mia won’t have him, something tells me Albert just might have a date in the future with another funny little man, a man named Oscar.

Death become her, unfortunately

2011-10-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

TV shows need to stop killing Jaime Murray. I mean it. Cut that shit out. Immediately. And, no, I’m still not over the Warehouse 13 finale yet. But, seriously, this is more than a trend. This is an epidemic. It’s gotten so when I see her on screen my emotions go to DEFCON 1. Impending death ahead. Take cover, take cover. This will all end in tears.

Think I’m kidding? Let’s review. (p.s. If you haven’t watched “Dexter,” “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” or “Warehouse 13,” there be major spoilers ahead…)

DexterShe plays NA sponsor/pyromaniac Lila, who meets a grisly end.

SpartacusShe plays Lucretia’s friend and sometimes lover Gaia, who meets a grisly end.

Warehouse 13She plays former Warehouse 12 agent, would-be world ender and Myka eye sex partner H.G. Wells, who meets what appears to be a grisly (or at the very least explosive) end.

And those are just he shows she had recurring roles on. She even dies when she guest stars. “Eli Stone” – she dies. “The Mentalist” – she dies. “Agatha Christie’s Poirot” – she dies. Are we getting the picture?

SERIOUSLY, TV, CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Jaime is currently on “Ringer” and I’m just counting the days until her character ends up dead. Well, actually I’m just counting the days until she shows up again (maybe tonight – pretty, pretty please). Still when she does will Sarah Michelle Gellar have to kill her to save her Bridget/Siobhan secret? Will Jaime construct a protective force field to save Bridget/Siobhan so the lies they’ve spun don’t blow up in their face, but in the process gets blown up herself leaving fangirls everywhere crying onto the Tumblr dashboards. Am I projecting wildly? Possibly. But if past is precedent I wouldn’t get too attached.

Oh, Jaime. If only your ability to bring The Gay to my television wasn’t followed shortly by your ability to bring The Grim Reaper.

Castle Katic

2011-10-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

Do you know who I’ve recently discovered? Stana Katic. I know I put her on my “Unsnubbed” list earlier this year. But truth be told I just never watched “Castle.” This makes no sense because I love crime procedurals and I love Captain Tightpants. But I think the concept always bugged me a bit. A mystery writer who works for the police? I’m a writer and even I am like, um, hey now what now? (Also, don’t get me started on the concept for “The Mentalist.”)

But last week as I was finishing up my mandatory Team Hope and Team Chaz DVR fast forwarding of DWTS, I left the channel on and caught the beginning of “Castle.” Or, let’s say, I tried to catch the beginning of “Castle.” Mostly I just stared open-mouthed at the screen and thought, JESUS STANA KATIC IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. I have no idea what the plot of the show was. I have no idea whether I liked the show or not. I have no idea about anything other than razor cheekbones and flowing hair and leather jackets.

Now I understand after doing some research (it’s for science, people, for science), that Stana wasn’t always allowed to shine quite as much. She had more of a regulation lady cop haircut and sense of style. I mean compare her early publicity photos to her current publicity photos for the show. It’s like the showrunners finally gave up and said, “Fuck it, our star is ridiculously beautiful. Go with it.”

And last week, well – low whistle. Of course, it does stretch the realm of credulity a bit to have this spectacular specimen of the female form walking around with perfectly wind-blown hair and glamour make-up pretending to catch bad guys. But you have to go with your strength. And here, with all due respect to Nathan Fillion and his extreme degree of hunkiness and likeability, your strength is Stana Katic. Seriously, guys, I would happily watch this show on mute. In fact, I just might tonight.

My Weekend Crush

2011-10-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

Man, I missed Paget Brewster on “Criminal Minds.” We shall speak of that long, horrible, Prentiss and JJ less season no more. But now that the band’s all back together, you can really appreciate what Paget brought to the show. She has a wonderful empathy about her. And she looks fantastic wearing a bullet-proof FBI vest. Though as much as I love her on “Criminal Minds” – and I really, really do – the show has never been able to fully showcase her fantastically silly sense of humor. Those who remember her from her “Friends” days (Kathy, the gal both Joey and Chandler dated) and her “Huff” days (as Hank Azaria’s wife, Jesus how many shows has that guy had?), know she is a skilled comedian. In fact, all you need to do is watch one of her visits to Conan to know she’s a pure delight. And you won’t find a more joyfully dorky dancer. Plus, did I ever tell you about that one time she kissed a girl? Oh, Paget. Welcome back to my TV, honey. Man, we missed you. Happy weekend, all.

A week without gay

2011-10-13T00:15:00.000-07:00

All my gay or should-be-gay shows are on break or on mini-hiatus this week. It’s very distressing. “Warehouse 13,” “Lost Girl,” “Rizzoli & Isles,” “Pretty Little Liars,” “Glee.” Where has the gay gone? Instead I’ve been forced to sit through a long, dry week without their gay charms. Thank heavens for the budding subtext on “2 Broke Girls” or I’d be totally awash in heterosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are heterosexual. But I wish they wouldn’t, you know, flaunt it on the TV and everything. I mean, they can be whoever they want in private, I don’t know why they have to be so out there. Sheesh. Though, in times like these, I turn to the light for salvation. And by “light,” I of course mean fanvids on YouTube. They are like a lighthouse guiding all our missing ships back to safety.

Bless you, fangirls. Bless you and your Final Cut Pro very much for getting me through these terribly dull waters.

Warehouse 13

Even Hitler isn’t over the finale yet, people. Hitler.

Lost Girl

I swear to faeking God, if Bo and Lauren don’t at least kiss next episode I am going to explode from the sexual tension and then send the “Lost Girl” writers the clean-up bill.

Rizzoli & Isles

Nov. 28 still feels a million years away. Someone please kiss my nose with a giant stuffed teddy bear and make it all better.

Pretty Little Liars

I’ve decided I don’t ship Emily with Maya or Paige or Samara. I ship Emily with Hanna. Because those two, those two actually have chemistry together – onscreen and off.

Glee

It feels naughty to ship a threesome. The good kind of naughty.

In fandom we trust. You’re always there for us, always.

Serial swearer

2011-10-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

Sweet Mary mother of fuck, I’m totally addicted to “Dexter.” Like I am a metric fuck-ton in love with that show. I know, I know – I’m terribly late. I just never thought I’d get sucked into a show with a serial killer as the hero. Still I gorged myself on its homicidal charms all weekend and have been catching up chronologically when I can all week. And why, might you ask, have I fallen so severed head over heels for this show? Deb fucking Morgan, that’s fucking why.

Seriously, where the fuck has she been all of my life? Why did nobody fucking tell me? Wait, you probably did fucking tell me and I just didn’t bother to fucking listen. Well fuck me twice on Sunday, I was a goddamned idiot. She is TV’s most deliciously foul-mouthed badass. And a totally hottie to boot. There’s just something about the combination of her trucker vocabulary combined with her intellect, instinct and a incredibly smoking physique that have me melt. I mean, fuck balls, those abs.

Come on, that’s like Lesbian Dreamboat Material 101. But, really, why isn’t Deb a lesbian? She’s not had super great luck with the fellas. Like, for instance, she has earned her “I dated a serial killer, ask me how” button. And her other mannerisms are tomboyish, to say the least. So, when will Deb figure it out? Of course, she may not be quite as good at mastering the obvious as we thought – I mean, her brother is Dexter. But, come fucking on, you know her entire closet must just be man boots and plaid fitted button-ups – the whole damn thing.

I will confess to cheating a little with this show. I got the screeners for the first three episodes of season 6 and, on whim over the weekend, popped them in. Now, I’m hooked and am going back to watch from the beginning (mid-way through Season 2 now - hello, Jaime Murray, hello very much). I know a few of the big spoilers through the seasons already (like Rita, poor Rita). But it is quite interesting to begin with where Deb is now and then go backwards to where she started. Now that’s an evolution. She’s always been good, but never quite so confident. And, shit, I think she has even surpassed the unsurpassable cursing goddess Better Porter in creative uses of the word fuck.

Fucking marry me, Deb Morgan. I could not be more fucking serious.

Tank Top Tuesday

2011-10-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, basic white tank top. How simple you are. Yet how undeniably effective. Sure, other colors are also nice. Your blacks. Your blues. Heck, even your reds. But the white tank top, well, it’s just a classic. What it does is really focus our attention on what’s in the tank top, as opposed to the tank itself. The way it hugs the form is almost workmanlike, yet exposes a natural womanliness. It’s the perfect conduit for unadulterated sexiness. Sheer yet still a statement. Right, so are you buying any of this? Have I prattled on for a sufficient amount of time to justify just showing you the hot ladies in white tank tops now? Or have you not heard a single word I’ve said because for the last five minutes you’ve been staring at Naya Rivera with your mouth open and a thin line of drool forming on your chin? I know, two days in a row with the drool on your screens. So perhaps before proceeding today, might I suggest a bib?

Lena HeadeyI’m pretty sure Lena is laughing at my attempt to wax eloquent about the white tank top. I am totally OK with that as long as she keeps wearing one.

Yvonne StrahovskiWhat? I’m sorry. Have you been standing there long? My brain stopped working temporarily for some unknown reason and I had to do a full system reboot. Oh my God, is that Yvonne in a... Dammit, not again. Control-Alt-Delete.

Cote de PabloJust think, if things had gone differently on “NCIS” maybe Cote would be the one having eye sex and TGTGT with Angie Harmon on “Rizzoli & Isles” instead of Sasha Alexander. Man, just thinking about what those subtext recaps would be like is tripping me out.

Minka KellyDoes it make me a very bad lady if I tell you I’ve decided to skip the new “Charlie’s Angels,” or a very good one?

Jordana BrewsterI probably won’t watch Jordana’s new remake, “Dallas,” either. But I will search the network press site for pictures of her in a tank top. So, you know, win-win.

Zoe KravitzOf course the daughter of Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz is gorgeous. Of course.

WARNING: The last picture is NSFW. Thank the technology gods for smartphones, eh?

Karina LombardThis is like Tank Top Tuesday and Naked Lady Monday had a love child, make that twins.

Naked Lady Athletes Monday

2011-10-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

Now, I know these photos came out late last week. And I know you all have been emailing and tweeting and asking if I’ve seen them. And, yes, I’ve seen them. But I saved them, on purpose, to show them to you when you really needed it. Patience, you see, isn’t just a virtue. It’s a gift. Sure, they would have been fun to look at on Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday. But Monday, Monday is when you need them – really, really need them. So, that’s where I come in. No need to thank me. Just, you know, don’t drool on the screen.

Hope Solo, Olympic & World Cup soccer goalieThat garden hose is a surrogate for us all. In our dreams.

Gretchen Bleiler, Olympic & X-Games snowboarderThose abs are like black diamond runs. Jesus. I’m going to need a moment.

Alicia Sacramone, Olympic gymnast Gymnastics was my favorite sport growing up. Now the reasons are all coming together for me.

Julie Chu, Olympic hockey playerAll those pads were hiding this. I hate those pads.

Sylvia Fowles, WNBA playerThose are some lucky damn rocks.

Suzy Hotrod, co-captain of Team USA Roller DerbyI’d love to try roller derby, but I lack the requisite numbers of tattoos. Oh, and also I fear grievous bodily harm.

Stephanie Gilmore, four-time world surfing champSometimes staying dry is good too.

Belén Mozo, LPGA rookieShe appears to have lost her ball in the tough. And her clothes.

Kelly Kulick, professional bowlerI’m trying really hard to think of a good naughty 7-10 split joke.

Natasha Hastings, Olympic sprinterAnyone else feel like putting a bow-chicka-bow beat on the “Chariots of Fire” theme?

Vera Zvonareva, No. 3 ranked women’s tennis playerI’m calling this love-love.

Gretchen & HopeEverything is obliques and nothing hurts.

Your Monday is looking up, no? See, timing is everything.

My Weekend Crush

2011-10-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

I’m not over it. Still. Almost a week later, it makes my little gay heart weep. Still. I just can’t stop thinking about the “Warehouse 13” finale. Still. Much of this is because of the wonderfully suggestive open-mouthed acting of Jaime Murray. Her HG isn’t exactly a poker face when it comes to her desires. But just as much, if not more, is due to Joanne Kelly’s subtle, poignant portrayal of Myka. Her cool, rational Agent Myka Bering has always been the perfect counterpoint to the excitable, overgrown Labrador that is Agent Pete Lattimer. But with the introduction of HG, we’ve peeled back another layer to see her warm, vulnerable heart.

What shipper long suspected, Kelly confirmed at Comic-Con this summer when she confirmed that Myka and HG “fell in love a little bit.” But in the finale, she gave a clinic on all the ways to say “I love you” without ever saying I love you. It was wonderful and terrible and something I won’t soon forget. That’s stick-to-your-ribs storytelling. But it wouldn’t have worked without Joanne, whose character has really grown the most on “Warehouse 13.” From uptight and by-the-book to badass and unexpectedly sensitive. Also, I’m a sucker for that long, lean smart yet slightly geeky type. She’s a charmer that Joanne, and a looker. And a heartbreaker with one look – or, in this case, many. Dammit, that pocket watch better do a lot more than tell time. Happy weekend, all.

Prime of life

2011-10-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

Maria Bello is kind of like lesbian catnip. You can go for days, months, possibly even years without thinking about her and then the minute she is in front of you again you go a completely mad with excitement. How is this woman so delicious? It’s not just that she is beautiful, which she is. She is so beautiful, and age has only had her face more interesting and expressive. But it’s that she seems so capable. Lesbians love a capable lady. That doesn’t mean she has to know how to change her own oil or level a doorframe. But she knows exactly who to call to do it, and will supervise carefully. Helpless is not something she can really play. And, man, is that sexy. It is grown-up sexy personified. Leave the damsels in their various states of distress to the white knights of the world. I’ll take a lady who knows what she’s doing instead any and every day.

I think that’s what makes her so good in “Prime Suspect.” Her Det. Jane Timoney is infinitely capable. That doesn’t mean she’s somehow supernaturally gifted – she just pays attention and works harder than anyone else in the room. It’s what makes real people good at their jobs. It’s why she seems so believable in hers. This isn’t to say that her good detective is perfect – that would be boring. She has her issues and isn’t the least bit worried about making nice. But I like that. Also I like the clothes they’re putting her in for the show. They’re not your standard-issue lady cop suits. They’ve got more flare without being overly butch or overly femme. Of course, I’m a sucker for a lady who knows how to lean. She leans great.

Also, when she needs to, fucking hell can Maria bring the sexy. Like I was saying, I love a lady who knows what she’s doing. And she can definitely, definitely leave her hat on.

You can read my Prime Suspect SnapCaps every Friday on AfterEllen. You are, of course, perfectly welcome to keep staring slack-jawed at these pictures until then. Hey, honey, you’re drooling.

The BOY is mine

2011-10-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

I think I’m in love. It’s all very unexpected, as these things often are. It happened suddenly, and took less than four minutes to take hold. But now, woo doggy, am I in deep. And, like any new love, I want to tell the whole wide world how happy I am. Oh, kittens, kittens – I’m in love with a BOY. Wait, wait – stop throwing things at me. It’s not that kind of boy, but BOY, a new female-fronted group from Europe. BOY is Swiss singer Valeska Steiner (above, right) and German bassist/guitarist Sonja Glass (left). The duo just released their debut album last night and I am smitten. Smitten, I say. And it’s not just puppy love. It is the real thing.

Lovely, no? Now, I’m not necessarily a believer in open relationships. But in this case I will made a definite exception. Because when you find something so sweet, how can you not share it with everyone? The ladies have a tender, jubilant sound. Intimate, accessible and with just the right amount of haunted. They remind me a little of Feist, which is never a bad thing. Also, heavens, are these two ladies pretty.

Now, like many relationships, I have someone else to thank for introducing us. So I will be eternally grateful to Emmy from Berlin who sent me an email about BOY. I opened her link in the deep, dark of the night expecting nothing only to discover untold wonders. In fact, this is what I found.

See? Love at first sight, I tell you. Also, notice the pronouns on that first verse? Such a kitten, so smitten.

How about them apples?

2011-10-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Major “Warehouse 13” finale spoilers. If you haven’t watched yet, good gravy, hurry because it’s pretty fucking epic.

Right, so let’s get this out of the way immediately. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! Jagged sobs. Unrepentant sniffles. Sad panda is sad. I mean, I knew they would probably kill HG – I knew it. This season was her really her redemption story. Try to destroy the world one year, then sacrifice yourself to save it the next. It’s such a tidy character resolution it almost comes gift wrapped with a bow. But then they actually did it. And it was both horrible and heroic. Perfect and perfectly awful. Having HG Wells and the fabulous Jaime Murray back, even if just for the finale, added so much snap and crackle to the show. It’s truly undeniable. And my God, the subtext, The Subtext. All those longing looks. All those stolen moments. All those accidentally getting tied up together in kinky bondage situations at the most inopportune times.

Look, I’m all for the grand romantic gestures. But in this case I would have happily taken a little less grand gesture and a little more romantic. I mean, you know I love subtext. I LOVE it. But the HG and Myka storyline has been maintext pretending to be subtext, but not quite brave enough to come out of the closet all season. Subtext is a nod and a wink and a wouldn’t it be funny/better if... Maintext is HG and Myka are totally in love yet even at the very end, weren’t strong enough to say it out loud. And that’s disappointing. Seriously, to get their lips this close together and not have them kiss? That’s just…mean.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought the finale was pretty amazing. But if that really is the last we see of HG (unless she gets her own prequel spin-off or Artie’s pocket watch can do a hell of a lot more than tell time), then I wish the writers had had the courage of their big gay convictions. Why not let HG mouth “I love you” to Myka instead? They sure danced around the subject. It was like a game of “How many ways can HG and Myka say ‘I love you’ without saying ‘I love you.’” Myka saying the price was too high to kill HG. HG saying Myka is the one person who knows her better than anyone else. HG sacrificing herself to save Myka. Trust me when she said “It was the only way I could think to save you,” she wasn’t talking about Pete and Artie. From now on, “I smell apples” is the new “I love you.” So there.

I know this show is gay friendly. It has gay writers. It has gay sensibility. It flashes gay rainbow flags on screen whenever possible (like on a GSA flyer on Emily Lake’s classroom bulletin board). Gay gay gayity gay gay. But then it goes and kills its only two self-defined gay characters in HG and Jinks? I know their sacrifices served the stories well but, come on – don’t go breaking my heart like that, “Warehouse 13.”

Dammit, Artie, that pocket watch better fix this. Because a world without HG isn’t exactly a world I’m thrilled to have just seen saved. Oh, HG, you can’t be gone because all Myka does when she sees you is smell apples.

p.s. I’d watch the hell out of “Wells & Bering” or “Bering & Wells.”
p.p.s. I would like to thank Jaime Murray and Joanne Kelly for softening the blow of last night’s finale by posing for this picture. A grateful universe thanks you. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I’ve got to go pass out, forever.

2 Brokeback Girls

2011-10-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

I like “2 Broke Girls,” more than I probably should. More than its lame horsecrap gag from last week. More than the sometimes stilted delivery by Kat Dennings. I like “2 Broke Girls” because it is about two “girls,” and has real potential to be a smart – edgy even – female buddy sitcom. Also, well, there’s the subtext. I mean, seriously, there are already shipper vids.

Last week I wondered out loud if “2 Broke Girls” could become the new “Rizzoli & Isles” over at AfterEllen. Don’t get me wrong, the chemistry is nowhere as crackly and sexy as between Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander. That’s just magic. But there is chemistry there, between Kat and Beth Behrs, and with a little polishing of the edges it could be something quite fun. Kind of like the show.

And there have already been a distinctly lesbianish moments. Kat’s waitress Max tells Beth’s Caroline when she asks her to open the back door, “We’ve known each other for 2 days and you’re already asking for back door?” And, then, there’s the requisite sleeping in the same bed scenes, complete with boob touching. Heck, Max even accidentally kisses another woman on the subway. If this subtext trend holds, I am totally going to start calling this show “2 Brokeback Girls.”

Granted, the “If I were gonna go lesbian, she’d be the last lez I’d be in” joke from last week was a groaner. And not the good kind of groaner. But there’s just something to be said about a show that centers itself entirely around the interactions of two women. Nothing against family comedies (I love you, “Modern Family,” I do). Nothing against ensemble comedies (you’re growing on me, “Happy Endings, you are). But a female buddy comedy is something different. Something that is guaranteed to pass the Bechdel Test week after week. And when compared to that other much-hyped female-fronted sitcom that debuted this, you can see why it makes all the difference.

“New Girl” is watchable because of Zooey Deschanel and only because of Zooey Deschanel. It’s about her adorable dorkiness (no, I will not use “adorkable,” I will not… dammit). She is the draw and she is hard to resist. But it is also told entirely from the male gaze. Look at this clueless cutie – let’s laugh at her while trying to make her more dateable to us menfolk. We see her through the lens of her three male roommates, not the other way around. I think that’s also why it’s such a hit – guys can watch a show with a female lead as long as the guys are really ruling the narrative. (No offense, guys, but you do like to rule things – like take, for instance, the world.) Whereas in “2 Broke Girls,” it’s told from a female perspective with occasional glimpses of how unwanted (i.e. the cook) the male gaze on them can be. That, for me, makes all the difference.

Look, I’m not saying this show is perfect. It isn’t. (Ugh, laugh track, ugh.) And tonight’s third new episode will go a long way to tell us whether this show will end up be truly having the charm or not. But I’m willing to make the investment right now because it’s funny enough while being all about the ladies. Also, sweet fancy Moses, is Kat’s waitress uniform tight or what? Hey, it can’t all be rocket science.

p.s. I am going to start SnapCapping the show for AfterEllen. We will see how it goes. Read them Tuesdays on AE.

My Weekend Crush

2011-09-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

Melissa McCarthy is having more than a moment. She is having an era. Sure, maybe not necessarily in length, but definitely in importance. Breakout star status doesn’t usually happen to 40-something, plus-sized women. And when I say “usually,” I mean ever. But here she is with a brand new Emmy on her mantel and a blockbuster comedy hit on her resume and a highly rated sitcom on every week and more movie deals and TV deals coming her way and a hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live” this weekend. It’s just, well, it’s just great. And I can honestly say it couldn’t happen to a more likeable and hilarious gal.

To just say Melissa was funny in “Bridesmaids” is like just saying the Grand Canyon is a big hole in the ground. Sure, it’s true, but it’s a massive undersell. She was pee, or in this case poop, your pants funny in that movie. Her Megan was a singular cinematic creature - a confident, pragmatic, butch, sexual and loveable oddball who you laughed with more than at. And out of all of that, I think the confidence of her character was the most amazing attribute. We’re used to funny women in comedies being neurotic messes. They fret and thither, over-think and under-appreciate themselves. But not Melissa’s Megan. Confidence made that character more than just the punchline, it made her a heroine.

And that all came from Melissa, who has made herself a new kind of comedy heroine for us all. Of course, some of us knew years ago when she was the sweetest little chef in all of Stars Hollow. Let’s hope her era never ends. Happy weekend, all.

EDIT: To the skeptics who doubt it when I say “breakout star status doesn’t usually happen to 40-something, plus-sized women,” it really doesn’t. Ages when they found breakout success: Roseanne Barr, 36; Oprah Winfrey, 32; Anna Nicole Smith, 26; Liza Minnelli, 26 (also not exactly plus sized at the time); Queen Latifah, 19; Nikki Blonsky, 19. Also, Rosie O’Donnell got her talk show at 34. So, no, sadly almost never.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Break the Tie Edition

2011-09-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! OK, you get where I’m going here, right? I’ve discussed my love of a nice tie – bow or neck – in the past. But the question always remains – tied or untied? Which is sexier? Often it’s situational. Start of the date: tied. End of the date: untied. Really, the great thing about a tie is its ability to be either or, whenever you want it. Fine, too much kumbatie for you? Then go ahead and decide for yourself. Tied? Untied? Delightfully loose like Noni? Some choices are just…fun.

Janelle MonaeTied, definitely tied.

Jane LynchWait, untied, definitely untied.

Noomi RapaceDammit. No, I mean it, tied.

Kate WinsletNo! I was so wrong. Untied!

Regina SpektorFine. I give up.

Monica BellucciI said I give up.

Hope SoloNow you’re just hurting me.

Naomi WattsOfficially dead.

Right, so what did you decide? Tied or untied? I know, both.

It gets Glee

2011-09-28T01:15:00.000-07:00

I know it’s only the second episode, but man is “Glee” better or what? Look, I’ve always loved “Glee.” For all its flaws, and there were many, it still made me grin and glow and generally feel giddy with its best of intentions every week. Also its jazz hands, I’m a sucker for jazz hands. But there have been problems. Continuity. Characterization. Crazy-ass storylines. And then they went and got themselves a real roomful of writers and promised to do better. And, if last night’s episode is any indication, they have. It got better.

First, we’ve got continuity. Quinn’s pregnancy – yeah, it happened and there was a real baby and real repercussions and real feelings. Who thought that storyline was every coming back after last season? Shelby returns. Puck is more than a haircut. The music serves the story. It’s so, well, refreshing.

And then there’s Brittany. Sure, she’s always funny. But making her just an empty-headed dumb-dumb wasn’t. Now she’s still Brittany, but with all that heart and the undeniable wisdom that brings. She’s adorably clueless, but not stupid. That’s important. It’s so, well, refreshing.

Finally, the characters are actually driving the story. Not the special guest stars (though Idina Menzel was indeed very special), or the musical numbers extravaganzas (though they were extravagant, they made sense) or the After School Special Messages (though I would have killed to have a unicorn-themed after school special growing up). It was the characters that made this episode so good. Kurt’s desire to be seen as more than The Gay. Puck’s desire to be more than a deadbeat dad. Finn’s desire to be a better dancer, and ambivalence about leaving Lima. Rachel’s desire to be, you know, Rachel. And best of all, none of this is seems to be happening in a vacuum like before, never to be mentioned again. It’s so, well – you know. REFRESHING.

Now I know the Achele/Faberry fans may not necessarily agree, but making Quinn the villain this season is pretty fucking brilliant. Because that means she is the one with the big redemption storyline this season as well. Also, Dianna Agron is delicious when she is bad – even without the pink hair.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget Brittana. Sure, it’s moving slowly. But it’s moving. And it feels natural. The sweetness, the respect. OK, fine, I too screamed “NOW KISS!” at my screen. But I’ll take more of this any day over the whiplash characterizations we sometimes saw last season. And Kurt Locker is a very worthy addition to the Brittana Locker Chronicles.

You’re damn right she’s the unicorn, or bi-corn. Welcome back, “Glee.” I’m starting to believe in your magic again. Oh, and Brittany S. Pierce for President, y’all.