Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The sin of sloth

I have never watched “Veronica Mars.” I know, I know. Stop yelling at me. I mean it. Stop. Hey, hey – the fetid fruit is totally uncalled for. Many, many people have already told me, commanded me, implored me to watch, and I just simply have not found the time. This, however, does not mean I have not taken the time to admire and appreciate Kristen Bell. Quite on the contrary, I find her quite nice. But, yesterday, that quire nice got stepped up to epically adorable. Because this is Kristen Bell unable to contain her joy at the fact that a sloth would be at her birthday party. If another event remotely that ridiculously cute, bordering on flat-out insane happens on “Veronica Mars,” I need to run out and but the box set immediately.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Fight through it

Hey, remember when I interviewed Zoie Palmer and she was lovely and charming and gracious and everything you’d ever hoped for? Me too! But, as I touched on ever so briefly in the interview, she’s also a bunch of other things. Funny, that’s one of them. But we all knew that already. But also badass. Yes, badass. Sure, on “Lost Girl” her skills are mostly confined to looking great in a lab coat and occasionally poking someone with a needle. But when she guested on “Nikita,” she got to show us some of her other skills. I know it’s probably wrong on every level, but watching Zoie and Maggie Q beat the shit out of each other is all kinds of hot. Hello, Monday. Now isn’t that a nice kick in the ass? Well, actually, the head.

p.s Reminder, I’m all “Lost Girl” all the time right now at AfterEllen. Season 2 SnapCaps run Tuesdays and Season 1 Rewind SnapCaps run Wednesdays. Check them out and play along, if you feel so inclined.

Friday, January 27, 2012

My Weekend Crush

Life affords us far too few moments of grace. Amid the mess and muddle of our everyday existence, we can forget what matters most far too easily. Amid the complication and conflict of our differences, we can forget what makes us all the same. Like many of you I have followed the story of Gabrielle Giffords from that terrible moment a little over a year ago when those first horrifying reports first came in of a shooting at congressional event in Arizona. And, like many of you, my emotions went from anguish and anger to amazement and admiration as the nation struggled to come to terms with what had happened. She has been, quite simply, awesome. To survive getting shot in the head is, in itself, nothing short of a miracle. But how she has conducted herself through this ordeal has been almost otherworldly. The courage she has displayed, the strength she has mustered, the compassion she has offered and the unbreakable spirit she has shown is more than a miracle. It’s pure grace. I had hoped, with all my heart, that this inspirational woman would defy the odds and stay in congress. But I completely understand and admire her reasons for resigning this week. And I think, in fact I know, that we have not seen the last of this extraordinary woman or her radiant smile. Thank you for your service, Gabby. A grateful nation wishes you a full and fast recovery. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. On a purely superficial note, because this is a Weekend Crush after all, hot damn does Gabby look smokin’ with a motorcycle or what?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Castles made of hot

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


One of the fastest ways to make a group of gays mad is to talk about what it means to be gay. Queer identity and how we label ourselves makes some people’s heads explode. It really does. And don’t pretend it doesn’t. I know it does because a) I write for the Internet and b) I read all the comments in the AfterEllen article about Cynthia Nixon saying that “for me (being gay) is a choice.” Heads exploding like rockets on the Fourth of July. Boom! Boom! Boom! KABOOM!

Because this is what Cynthia told The New York Times Magazine when the topic of people finding her midlife switch in sexual orientation disingenuous:
“I totally reject that,” she said heatedly. “I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.” Her face was red and her arms were waving. “As you can tell,” she said, “I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

Woo and doggy. I see the powder keg and I see the lit fuse. The smart thing would be to take cover and hope to avoid the worst of the collateral damage. Fire in the hole, save yourselves! But, no, like an idiot I’ve decided to walk toward the fuse and see if I can’t tamp it out before spark meets powder. God, I am so fucking stupid.

Here’s the thing. This is a complicated issue. That no one is denying that. Part of the driving narrative we, as a queer community, have used on our march toward full equality is that we should be equal because, in essence, we can’t help it. We were born this way, baby. And in this country and hopefully this world, people should have the right to life, liberty and happiness regardless of inborn differences like race, gender, sexual orientation, et al. We are born gay and we stay gay and we deserve all the same rights as people who were born straight and stay straight.

And for some of us, many of us, that’s 100 percent true. We’re 100 percent big-time gay from cradle to grave – do not pass go do not collect $200.

Make no mistake there is a definite advantage to presenting a public and united front where homosexuality is not a choice for anyone. Optics and perception matter. No one wants the “Ex-Gay” forces to feel justified or vindicated. Because for many, many, many queer people, we were born this way. Plain and simple. But the thing is, we humans are a lot of things. And we have this crazy thing called free will. And something like who we want to see naked and who we fall in love with, they can fall along that spectrum. Does that make being gay or acting gay wrong? Heavens no! It just makes the experience of it, the realization of it, the acting upon it different for different people.

I tend to look at the LGBT community as a big umbrella of sexual otherness. And I don’t care if you like to stand directly in the center of the umbrella or on the outskirts so your shoulder gets wet – as long as you’re happy and proud to be under the umbrella with the rest of us I’m happy to have you there.

What Cynthia said may rankle some, with reason because we’re nowhere near the finish line when the fight for equality. But something else she said rung even truer. “You don’t get to define my gayness for me.” And isn’t that, in the end, what we’re fighting for in the first place? To be able to love who we want to love free of discrimination or judgment or criticism and hate. But instead, people always try to define other people for them. Look, it’s hard enough to define ourselves as is, so don’t project your definition on me and then scold me for not conforming to it.

If everyone just realized that we weren’t all identical widgets from the widget factory, but individuals who deserve to be treated the same no matter what, the world would be a better fucking place and widgets could just happily do what widgets do. But everyone has to get up in everyone else’s nut.

And that, to me, is really fucking tiring. Fighting amongst ourselves about how to be gay isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Policing other people’s gayness isn’t helping anyone actually be gay. Demanding people use one label or another label isn’t helping anyone actually be gay.

You know what helps people be gay? Saying I accept you no matter who you sleep with or fall in love with or want to make a home with. And as long as you treat me the same way back for the people I sleep with and fall in love with and want to make a home with, then the world will be a better place. And absolutely no one’s head has to explode. At least not today.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Gonna make it after all

While it may be hard to tell from the somewhat downbeat and grumpy nature of recent posts, things aren’t going too poorly for old Ms. Snarker in 2012. No, really, I mean it. No, stop laughing. Hey, now it’s getting rude. Come on, you could at least try to stop snorting uncontrollably. Kidding, kidding. But on the serious, this year has been – aside for standard-issue work stress and inconvenient technological setbacks – kind of lovely. So, for all of you somewhat appalled by my middle finger to the world from yesterday, please consider this a mea culpa of sorts. As the delicious delicious delicious Joan Jett can attest, one can be surly and happy at the same time. See, a gal can turn the world on with a smile and a snarl. Happy Tuesday, kittens. Love is all around.

p.s. Also, just because Joan Jett is hot as fuck, here’s a little something extra to go with today’s theme. Also, since it is a Tuesday, she is wearing a tank top that appears to be made out of black electrical tape. You’re turned on now, alright. Though possibly for another reason.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Fuck Mondays

Let’s be frank, Mondays fucking suck. They can go fuck themselves. They can go take a flying fuck. They can go fuck off. Seriously, they fucking suck. And they really, really fucking suck in the doldrums of January. Ugh. January. It’s not December, with its promise of the holidays. It’s not the spring, with its flowers and showers. It’s not summer, with its summery summerness. And it’s not fall, with leaves showing off one last time. Nope, it’s January. Which fucking sucks. But you know what? We don’t have to just sit and take sucky Mondays in January. We can fight back. We can fight back the only way we can on a sucky Monday in January. By giving them a big, hearty fuck you. Like our friend M-Rod is doing.

Heidi KlumWell, it is Monday, so why not have a little Naked Lady as well?

Kristen StewartI feel like Kristen is always flipping us the bird, even when she isn’t.

Kaya ScodelarioThe middle finger is Effy Stonem’s permanent state of mind.

PinkShe somehow manages to be badass and adorable, all at once. I think it’s the overalls.

Paget BrewsterI’m only slightly distracted by the fact that the towel means she just got out of the shower.

Lucy LiuAlso slightly distracted, but this time by the freckles and hint of lower back.

Amy PoehlerYou always knew Amy would know how to expertly deploy the double bird.

Lily AllenWhereas this is the cutest double bird ever.

Joan JettAnd this, this is the sexiest double bird ever.

There, now don’t you feel better – for a Monday?

Friday, January 20, 2012

My Weekend Crush

I love “Finding Nemo.” I loved it from the first moment I saw it at a dollar theater after it had long ended its regular run because I was too cool to go see an animated movie no matter how much everyone raved about it. Now, I own the DVD. I downloaded it to my phone. I may even have cuddly stuffed Dory. That last one was a gift, I swear. What I love most about it, besides being smart and funny and as adorable as can be, is that it makes me feel better each time I watch it. We all have that movie, the one we put on as a guaranteed mood lifter. Sure, there’s the Bambi-esque opening with its bad things that happen to good fish eggs. But then there is everything else. And everything else makes me just plum happy. In fact, it’s kind of my happy place. And, in January, I’m always looking for things to make me happy – this January is no different. So after a long, tiring, stressful week, I plan to put on a little “Find Nemo” and talk whale with Dory. And then, then I should be ready to just keep swimming through the rest of the year. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Please Hold

Technical difficulties. We, that being me, appreciate your patience and continued patronage. Also, you're pretty.

UPDATE: An internet outage, work craziness, life complication confluence occurred today meaning no full post will be forthcoming. But, rest assured, come hell or high water or locust invasion, things will be back up and running on Surrenders tomorrow. As a sincere apology and peace offering, please enjoy this video of a cute puppy and pretty lady. It's really the least I could do.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Pillow queen

Well, as long as the theme this week seems to be kick-ass women, why not carry that to its ultimate scenario. Think a pillow fight is just good girlie fun? Think again. Also, I kind of feel like doing this to my Wednesday. So much to so, so little time to kick ass. Enjoy.

p.s. Any week I get to post Gina Carano and Michelle Rodriguez in tank tops is a good, good week.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Tank Top Tuesday: Gone Haywire

Dude, duuuuude. Do you know about Gina Carano? No, but seriously, do you know about her? She is a now-retired mixed martial arts fighter, a former American Gladiator and fledgling actress. Hey, you, I’m talking to you. Stop staring at her guns. Or her abs. Or, you know, her whatever else you may be looking at. This is serious. OK, fine, it’s not serious. But it is seriously hot. Gina will make her starring feature film debut in “Haywire” this weekend. The action film from Steven freaking Soderbergh also features a bunch of dudes (Michael Douglas, Ewan McGregor, Channing Tatum, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Banderas), but the main attraction is Gina who plays a covert operative who gets burned and decides to burn back. In a really big way. I won’t lie, I have no idea if Gina can act. But she sure can kick ass. And she looks great in a tank top. Or a sports bra. Also whatever the hell strappy, holey contraption she is wearing above is. And for me, today, that’s more than enough reason to rejoice. Hey, it is a Tuesday. So sue me.

p.s. Did you know there is also video?

p.p.s. And just in case you want to see her in another kind of action, here is a little clip from “Haywire.” Damn, girl, is an understatement.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Out of dreams

Today is Martin Luther King Day in the United States. And for those of us who still believe that one day we will all live in a nation where children are not judged by color of their skin or the people that they love, but by the content of their character, this video is for you. The dream never dies unless we let it. Dream big today, kittens, dream big.

Friday, January 13, 2012

My Weekend Crush

So, remember when Leisha Hailey and Camila Grey were kicked off a Southwest flight for kissing? And we were all Rage! Indignation! Protest! That’s kinda hot! Because, let’s face it, the leading ladies of Uh Huh Her are kinda hot. All sorts of hot. And talented. And, yeah, hot. I’ve enjoyed Uh Huh Her’s seductive, melodic music from the start. Their sound is, for lack of a better word, sexy. I think “Explode” ranks among my favorite hook-up songs of all time. I’ve been a fan of Leisha’s music since before Alice Pieszecki was even a glimmer in Ilene Chaiken’s eye, when I found a Murmurs CD in the bargain bin and fell in love at first listen. But while Leisha has been out for ages, Camila only recently had an official coming out via Kissgate. So here we have this fantastic queer duo being fantastic together in public. Uh Huh Her made their national TV debut on Jimmy Kimmel this week. So now what we’ve known for years is being shared with the wider world, finally. And one would think they can only fall under their sexy spell as well. Well done, ladies. To celebrate, how about a kiss? What? It never hurts to ask. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Pushing 30

It’s back, it’s back, it’s baaaaaaaack! Yes, “30 Rock” and My Fake TV Wife Tina Fey are finally back on my television, where they belong. It’s been a long, long, long, long, long eight months without my Tina on my TV. I’ve coped mostly through a series of deep breathing exercises and also alcohol. Of course, tonight is also the return of “Parks and Recreation,” and this time back-to-back with “30 Rock” at 8 and 8:30. It’s like I died and went to smart, hilarious female-fronted comedy heaven.

Now, I know some of you (perhaps many of you) may still be harboring strong feelings about the show, Tina and her co-star Tracy Morgan from this summer. He said horrible, terrible, despicable things. And that should not be taken lightly. But a) he did apologize profusely, b) he is not the whole show, and c) he is kind of a certified idiot. Not kidding about that last one. I’ve met him and his is straight-up not entirely correct in the head. So I truly believe that he doesn’t actually believe the things he said about gay people. He just thought it would be funny to say the things he said about gay people. Still horrible. Still terrible. Still despicable. But I am not going to punish the whole show, which has been embraced and been honored for its LGBT inclusiveness, and I’m not going to punish Tina, who is Tina and you know loves us unconditionally, because of that idiot. But that’s how I feel about it, and not necessarily how you feel about it. Which I understand. Life is messy sometimes.

But, anyway, back to Tina. My adorable, adorable Tina was on Jimmy Fallon this week to promote the new season. And she was, as predicted, adorable. And we get a clip of the premiere, now with bonus dickies.

p.s. Oh, Tina, flashing your bra and your adult diapers at me already. It’s good to have you back.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bouncing bundle of B

And on the seventh day of the year 2012, it was said that a savior was born. A child of such pedigree its very presence could bring peace and prosperity to our planet. For behold and bow before Blue Ivy Carter. OK, fine, I don’t really care that much that Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s über baby has arrived. But I like Beyoncé. And I like Jay-Z. And we all know their baby girl will be President of the United States in 35 years. So, you know, it never hurts to start sucking up early. Also, if little Blue is anywhere near as talented as her mama and papa, well, perhaps the world is truly blessed after all. Welcome, Tiny B. I know no one likes to hear this about a parent, but, damn, your mom is hot like fire. LIKE FIRE.

p.s. Yes, this is the only kind of math I truly like.
p.p.s. And yes, this is yet another song off my mix tape. Apparently I will not stop until I’ve written about every last number.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Straight Gals talking to Gay Gals

Straight gals, god bless ’em. But, let’s face it, sometimes they can be a little, well, like straight gals. And sometimes that means saying asinine things to gay gals. But that’s OK, straight gals. We love you anyway. But, no, we won’t be in a threesome with you and your boyfriend. Unless, that is, you are really hot. And your boyfriend isn’t in the room at all. What? That’s just some shit gay gals say to straight gals. Truth.

Monday, January 09, 2012

Out darling

To every lesbian alive in the 70s and 80s, your gaydar was right. On Friday, teen idol Kristy McNichol came out. Pause for the sound of lesbians everywhere screaming, “I KNEW IT!” Yes, the lesbian equivalent of David Cassidy is, in fact, a lesbian. Still, it’s a wonder anyone with eyes was surprised by this news. I mean, come on.

Now, as celebratory and vindicated as this news makes me feel, I must confess that Kristy wasn’t necessarily my girl crush back in the day. I was too young to enjoy her teen movie queen years. And then I never watched her later TV resurgence. Quite frankly, I was more of a Nancy McKeon girl, myself. (p.s. Nancy, if you feel like making any late-in-life announcements, a grateful nation of lesbians will thank you.) But Kristy’s announcement is still just fantastic news, as is her reasoning, which her publicist told People magazine was to “be open about who I am” and hopes her coming out “can help kids who need support.” Granted, the kids being bullied probably are too young to know who the hell Kristy McNichol is. But that doesn’t matter because every coming out makes a difference, every coming out helps make the world a little better. No matter early or late in life, it all helps. Kristy, who is 49, has been with her partner for the last 20 years. Nicely done, darling.

And, speaking of darling, how prescient did “Little Darlings” turn out to be? I swear, Kristy in that black tank top turned a whole generations of teens into baby dykes. Also, Kristy and Cynthia Nixon were both in that movie and turned out to be gay. If Tatum O'Neal comes out then perhaps we were wrong all along – it is contagious.

Friday, January 06, 2012

My Weekend Crush

Recently, I came in possession of a mix tape by someone lovely which I promptly popped into my CD player on the way home. While listening to said mix tape (Fine, it’s a CD, but mixed CD sounds like something your financial adviser tells you to invest in. I think, I don’t know, I’m a writer. My financial adviser is a Magic 8 Ball) the song “Drive” popped up unexpectedly. Of course, being a gay lady, I am familiar with Melissa Ferrick’s “Drive.” How could you not be? But if by change you haven’t heard it before, hold onto your pants. Because they will spontaneously drop while listening. Also, um, you might not want to be in public.

Still for me, it had been a while since I listened, really listened to “Drive.” (I posted a fanvid featuring it not too long ago, but it was abridged and didn’t pack its full, shall we say, oompf). But if you do take the time to give it a proper once over, you will have to agree. This may just be the sexiest lesbian sex song ever. Like, seriously, ever. Fucking hell, that shit is hot. And that brings me back to Melissa. Seems like she has been around forever, always there bringing the dykeliciousness. For a while she was The Other Melissa. But she has always been her very own Melissa. And what that is one hard-working, hard-strumming, hard-loving sexy motherfucker. And she’s still right here, still out there, still making us ladies who like ladies swoon and sweat. So thank you, Melissa. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts and lower regions for putting delicious words and music to our deepest, dirties desires. Now, where did I put those pants? Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you haven’t heard/seen her epic live performances of the song, well, just go ahead and take off your pants right now. Because she’s hot and hilarious. And it just saves so much time.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Cop-Puter Code

It’s Thursday after a holiday. Which means it sucks because it’s still not Friday. But you know what doesn’t suck? Hilarious 80s cop show parodies starring Jennifer Beals and big shoulder pads. Really, that’s all the set up you need. Sometimes I still get sad that “The Chicago Code” was canceled. But I won’t lie, I’d watch the hell out of “Cop-Pupter.” (Hat tip, Erin!)

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Resolve this

Right, so it is a whole four days into this New Year and about time for a status check. How many resolutions have you already broken? How many have you conveniently forgotten? How many have you told yourself you’d give yourself a week to start? Be honest now. This is the internet, and no one ever lies on the internet. How about me, you ask? Well, this year instead of draconian dictates demanding better behavior, I’ve decided to make just one resolution. And my sole resolution is simple. Cut myself some slack.

Now you might be thinking, Goddammit Snarker, you slacker, you’re already as slack as slack can get. Put on a pair of slacks and you’ll be the poster child for the Gap’s new slouchy khakis campaign, “Slackers, because only your dad wears Dockers.”

But, seriously, I think it’s something we should all aspire to. People can demand a lot of us – our family, our friends, our work, our partners. But sometimes, oftentimes, we demand the most out of ourselves. And, when we don’t reach our own lofty expectations, we are also often hardest on ourselves. I can and have been mighty hard on myself in the past. Why can’t I write better? Why can’t I post more? Why can’t I answer more email? Why can’t I be better, smarter, funnier, honester – wait, is honester a word? – see the smarter thing above.

And then, then you spend a lot of useless time beating yourself up. This is almost never time well spent and almost always counterproductive. Because instead of the “Why can’t Is,” you should be focused on the “What can Is.” What can I do to write better? What can I do to post more? And, the best question of all, what can I do to be happier? The whys may give you the cause, but the whats will give you the directions.

So, that’s it for me for 2012: Cut myself some slack. If I can’t do everything, I simply can’t do everything. But I can try my very best at the things I can do. And that, that I will always promise you. Well, that and continued adoration of Tina Fey. Please, like you had to ask.

So with that, because I can and because I’m kinda good at it, here are some lovely ladies for you to enjoy in various states of dress. But in black and white, because that makes the objectification more classy. It’s a rule, look it up in your college art books. Hey, just because I’m cutting myself some slack doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally have you fine folks stare slack-jawed at your screens.

Michelle RodriguezIf you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun,” you’re thinking about the wrong thing.

Catherine Zeta-JonesEvery time I see her I want to turn to Michael Douglas and say, “Dude, nicely done.”

Elizabeth MitchellUncontrollable jealously of a pillow in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

Diane LaneNormally I’m against shoes on the couch, normally.

Stana KaticI finally saw that movie where she plays a wife-stealing lesbian. Poor Greg Kinnear never stood a chance.

Tina TurnerIn contrast, if you’re thinking, “My, that’s a big gun” here, you’re thinking about the very right thing.

Happy 2012, kittens. Be good to yourself, you’re worth it.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Vacation Vixen: Paula Patton

Right, so I am technically not on vacation anymore. But then I saw Paula and I thought, well, what is one extra day?

Monday, January 02, 2012

Vacation Vixen: Shay Mitchell

You might not watch “Pretty Little Liars,” but maybe you should. (p.s. It returns tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC Family)