This may be sacrilege, but I am going to discuss another ship on Gayzzoli day. Look, it's a big ocean. Plenty of room for all the ships. And sometimes they might even bump in the night. So, I'm finally all caught up on my "One Upon a Time." And I can honestly say I spent the entire last episode screaming, "KISS HER!" OK, maybe not the entire episode. But what seemed like the vast majority. The other half I spent going, "Wait, is Hook good now? Or bad? Or just there for the gay boys to have something pretty?" But every time Mulan and Aurora interacted? KISS HER! And when Emma and Regina finally reunited as Henry's two mommies? KISS HER! And when Regina didn't get invited to dinner but everyone damn else did? INVITE HER TO DINNER, THEN KISS HER! Now, I can't say I watch this show as religiously as other shows. Sometimes, like recently, two or three weeks stack up. But when I do watch it I certainly enjoy the fantasy and strong female characters. We just won't discuss some of the bad CGI. It'll be our little unspoken secret. That and how terrible at this whole acting thing the kid who plays Henry continues to be.
But, I digress. The reason I am really writing is to discuss what has to be the most unsubtextual subtext I've seen on TV this side of "Rizzoli & Isles." And instead of it being the way Lana Parrilla devours Jennifer Morrison with her eyes, it's every scene written between Mulan and Aurora. First, Aurora begs - yes, actually begs - Mulan to tie her up. Then Mulan promising to give Aurora back her heart. Then Mulan physically penetrating Aurora with said heart. And the dialogue before the heart scene:
Aurora: Have you done this before?
Mulan: No. [thrusts fist into Aurora]
Um. Yeah. I see what you did there, writers. I see. That's the least subtle lesbian sex metaphor since the time Willow and Tara did that spell where they literally drew an enormous "O" around themselves and then, um, achieved said O.