Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Start getting real

Oh, kittens. This makes me so, so…tired. I’m already tired. Not that these gals don’t all seem perfectly nice and maybe genuine and possibly even hot. It’s just the packaging, the promotion, the pretty much everything makes me want to go eat a sandwich. In fact, watch this while I go make a sandwich.

I mean, how I’m not sure if you caught it but the preview stresses that these are REAL! LIVE! LESBIANS! No, really, real lesbians – real ones. We swear, they’re real. Look, they even kiss girls. On camera. REAL! But then they pick possibly the least real place on the planet (no offense, L.A., but you know it’s true) to set their show. To wit, almost every cast member – except for Papi Rose – is in this business we call show. So, yeah, just like every other lesbian you know.

But while the behind-the-scenes preview is one thing, the cast bios on the Showtime website are quite another. What aspiring romance novelist wrote this stuff? “Tracy is every girl's dream…” “Jill is the girl all the guys want, but only one girl has.” “But Rose is altar-skittish and may be too wild to be tamed by one flame.” Now that’s some “Sweet Valley High”-worthy writing right there.

Also, when the preview wasn’t emphasizing its realness, it was pumping up its drama. Did you know there’ll be drama? Girls, together, lesbian girls, tattoos – DRA-MAAAAA! But then what would you expect from the true story of six lesbians who live in Los Angeles and have their lives taped for Showtime to find out what happens when lesbians stop being polite and start getting real.

Other interesting statement from the promo:
1. “This has never been done before.”
Um, yes it has. “Curl Girls.” “Gimme Sugar.” Yeah, it really has.
2. “I have faith that the show will really accurately portray who we are and want to celebrate us.”
Wait, you saw “The L Word,” right? I mean, especially that last season – the one with the dead girl in the pool. Celebrate!
3. “I could be fucked.”
So could we all, so could we all.

The only really good thing about promo is it never mentioned Mama Chaiken by name. But they did mentioned it’s “from the creator of ‘The L Word’” twice, so that pretty much negates any semblance of humility. In the end, I’m just don’t feel like I need to see the lives of a bunch of pretty, well-heeled, finely polished L.A. lesbians to in any way validate, illuminate or elucidate my life. Will I watch to see cute girls kissing? Maybe. What can I say, my deeply shallow side sometimes wrests control of the remote away from my dorky PBS side. But both sides insist we fast forward through the drama.

p.s. I know this is probably a terrible thing to say and she is undoubtedly a lovely person, but Nikki (the non-tattooed blonde one) looks like she wants to EAT OUR SOULS. Seriously, she wants to suck them out of our eye sockets and spread them on toast. Toast which she will then feed her dog because, come on, that woman hasn’t eaten a carb since the Clinton administration.


38 comments:

Heather said...

I'm not a fan of reality shows and I have absolutely zero interest in watching this show. I'm sad it exists.

Anonymous said...

Sound pathetic
don't watch BS

Anonymous said...

If you had a drink for ever real in that promo....

The only thing I might enjoy from this show is the recaps.

cee-cee said...

'Been there, done that'--once around on IC's merry-go-round was more than enough for me! After the way she squandered the opportunities she had with TLW, largely wasted the talents of that incredible Cast, and butchered "our stories", I have zero interest in watching her "justification" tour. Blech!

Misty. said...

I'm glad someone said what I was thinking about Nikki.. well, minus the toast. lol

ERRRRRRRN said...

I'm very cautious, but I think I will watch it, because I don't have LOGO...sad isn't it.

theliminalstate said...

LMFAO! The first thing my partner and I said when we looked at the cast photo was, "holy shit, that blonde looks mean."
Your description of her devouring our souls was spot on and hilarious.

As for the show, I might also watch for the cute girls kissing aspect as I too am shallow and have been known to frequently ignore my intellect in favor of my libido...almost always to my detriment I must add.

Mama C. needs to come over to my neighborhood....we'll be happy to show her some "real" lesbians - and some girl on girl drama that will make her nose hairs curl.

Thanks for the belly laugh!

Advizor said...

As a guy who digs watching girls kiss this seems more staged than "Girls Gone Wild" porn. If you have to tell me it's "real" then I know it's fake, and if its fake, or scripted or staged, then I just don't care.

If I want kissing girls, I can find them, if I want drama, I'll watch "The Godfather" trilogy again.

Shows like this leave me cold.

Hannah said...

This just reminds me of commercials for the Hills. I won't be watching, because I'm not interested in people who ant to be famous even though they don't have any particular talent. Oh, except the engaged couple is doing this to further equality. They just let cameras into their lives for the cause, not because they are famewhores. How altruistic of them.

And thanks for talking about all! the! drama! I don't want to see other people's drama. I spend my life doing everything I can to make sure my life doesn't have drama. (it's amazingly easy to avoid getting in drunken arguments every weekend. Or any weekend.)

Also, good to hear one of the women say it's a diverse group of women. Where are the african american women? where are the asian american women? where are the women who aren't at least upper middle class? So in LA, this counts as diversity? Maybe that's why tv and movies are dominated with rich, white people.

(and poor Nikki, but she totally looks super mean. She reminds me of the dad's evil fiance in the Parent Trap remake.)

Tina-cious.com said...

Holy fuck. Did I write this blog entry in my sleep last night?

Word. For. Fucking. Word. what I said after watching Tara last night.

Wow.

Just wow.

Katya said...

Ugh, they should find more "glamourous" chics. these girls are horrible. all of them(. and I don't give a shit if they are real or not. lword was an esthetic show and this is dull and boring even if they have a very creative plot and subtle drama. it's ugly. and not sexy ugly. just ugly.

Anonymous said...

Word for every word written by you and the commenters. However, I just don't feel enough enmity for IFC has been expressed. I don't know if it ever can or will be. Unspeakable.

Heh! My 'word verification' says "immad". Perfect!

elliB said...

I cancelled Showtime after TLW season 6 train wreck, and I'm not at all sad that I will be missing this show. Also, Rose, how could Papi have been 'loosely' based on you? Perhaps you are 'loosely' meant to be her character, but you had nothing to do with the original series, my dear.

Anonymous said...

This (see below) was just about the funniest thing I've ever read in my entire life. EVER!!!

"...but Nikki (the non-tattooed blonde one) looks like she wants to EAT OUR SOULS. Seriously, she wants to suck them out of our eye sockets and spread them on toast. Toast which she will then feed her dog because, come on, that woman hasn’t eaten a carb since the Clinton administration."

Seriously. THIS is why I read this blog every day. Dorothy Snarker, I love you!

notmuchcompany said...

Also, Nikki Who Wants to Eat My Soul looks AWFULLY skinny! =Z

Minerva said...

Is there any way I can watch the video?

I'm European so I can't see the one that you posted.

Anonymous said...

"a simple life" anyone? Put them all in a big glass room and have them do the "Big Sister"! That's what I want to watch. For their day-to-day life? Sorry nope! Nada!

Maxine Dangerous said...

Despite the warning of soul sucking, I watched the video (until it froze up... right after Nikki started speaking... hmmm) and I agree: terrible, awful, ew, etc. Glad I don't have Showtime or Logo or any other channel that would make it remotely possible to watch this show. Two minutes of drama wore me out... how would I make it through an entire episode? :)

Norma Desmond said...

This looks positively ridiculous, and I can tell you right now that this lesbian will not be watching a single episode of it. Living in LA, I completely agree with you on the 'if they wanted it to be real, why did they film it in LA' front. I can speak from experience and say that these lesbians are NOT representative of our community in LA. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe LA is just like they should it on the L Word and here... I've just never seen it.

Anonymous said...

On what fucking planet are these chicks representative of "real live actual lesbians?" This is just a thirty something version of the no-brainer, no-entertainer BS of Gimme Sugar.

Fabricated drama and fame whoring is not a useful vehicle with which to "educate" the masses about "real" lesbians. But we know that.

Fucking ugh. Stupid fucking Ilene fucking Chaiken. Crawl away, Ilene. Crawl away.

Anonymous said...

I don't know tracy, but
I do like the photo you post, there
is something that I love about.

not her, but something.
yeah,..right..

I love today's post a lot because
it seems you're so exciting!

rainy cloudy days are gone! mood.
thank you for the post!
I'm gonna be your fan eternally!

nice day! ds!

Anonymous said...

On what happy planet are these chicks representative of "real live actual lesbians?" This is just a thirty something version of the genius, high entertainer BS of Gimme Sugar.

Fabricated drama and fame is a useful vehicle with which to "educate" the masses about "real" lesbians. But we know that.

Fantastic ugh. genius fantastic Ilene fantastic Chaiken.

plus minus zero effect.

Anonymous said...

On what happy planet are these chicks representative of "real live actual lesbians?" This is just a thirty something version of the genius, high entertainer BS of Gimme Sugar.

Fabricated drama and fame is a useful vehicle with which to "educate" the masses about "real" lesbians. But we know that.

Fantastic ugh. genius fantastic Ilene fantastic Chaiken.

plus minus zero effect.

Anonymous said...

ilene, is that you? stupid bitch.

typical, copping someone else's script.

just plain zero.

DJspinster said...

Snore. That is all.

Fit For A Femme said...

GASP! I was so busy pounding out my knee-jerk-response-in-a-fit-of-lady-rage about this that I didn't see you'd written one already! I love your screen shots and I agree, if we DO watch this, it 100% will require a drinking game.

Penny Cillin said...

Why does there always have to be so much drama? Give me a break. If I wanted non stop drama, I would have brunch with my family, watch my mother sneak cocktails, listen to my father wax poetic about Rush Limbaugh, and lend more money to my sister....which I will never see again. I would, at the very least, have a good buzz by the time the check arrived.

These silly girls cause their own drama, then are surprised and upset by it. SNORE.

That Tracy girl, however......MMmmmm.

Natalie said...

My favorite comment was about Nikki and Whitney being "already more butch than 6 seasons of TLW." If I had been drinking water when I saw that photo, it'd be all over my laptop right now.

Anonymous said...

okay, true...
1) it's nothing like the L word
2) they are creating their own edited drama
3) IC will never writing anything good
4) great post!
5) you all know you'll sneak and watch
cause there ain't nothing else on
and it's free sex! ha
6) the women are dillusional if they think
they are the "real" l word...
7) this list could go on...
but I'm board already.

Lola said...

god help us.

Amanda said...

I'm still not over the fact that Ms. C made Max pregnant, not to mention the other atrocities of TLW writing. Why can't we just have a lesbian sitcom? Ellen, help!

Amanda

LESeid said...

With You Narrating it I might watch! Thank you for reading my mind, i'm gonna go eat a club sandwich in honor of you....

Anonymous said...

that was some funny shyt!

Brigid said...

I have to say, I kinda hope you watch this and recap it for us so I can laugh at it's ridiculous antics without having to watch it myself. That said, don't hurt yourself.

Anonymous said...

it comes across as kinda desperate, no?

why, in ilene's world, does lesbian always have to mean dysfunctional? or is that/this/TLW just what it looks like to sell out?

Anonymous said...

I don't really get the whole representational aspect of 'The Real L Word' or even 'L Word'. I mean I'm excited, gloriously happy that there're bi-s and lesbians on air that do not get chopped up or run over by a bus, yet I still very much love the line drawn between fiction and non-fiction.

I mean I love that there're 'fictional' lesbians who are actual characters with relatable storylines instead of the countless stereotypes of what we are often misunderstood as. Just as long as no one ends up in a pool face down I'm happy.

Yet if I want a medium to represent who I am, reality shows or tv series would not be one of them. I say let tv be tv, just as long as it's not a mindless one, or one that drowns any nearby unsuspecting lesbians.

ps. I find Nikki quite hot. The soul-eating-toaster eyes maybe?

Lee Rowan said...

Reminds me of the "LIVE NUDE GIRLS!" sign.... as opposed to what, dead ones? This is "lesbians" for titillating het guys--probably the halfwits in the production office.

"Real lesbians?" They'd better include some potluck dinners where everyone goes nuts trying to make sure there's something for the vegans to eat. And those lovely times when there are two cases of PMS in the house. Teh Sexay...

As a card-carrying woman-married-to-a-woman, I do have to give 'em points for one thing: Those ladies have short fingernails. There's nothing funnier than "lesbian" porn where the actresses have nails that would be really bad for... well, a lesbian's best friend is her lover's nail file.

As for the 'reality' shows... other than Dog Whisperer, I wouldn't give you fifteen cents for the whole bag of 'em. Cheap-ass bread & circuses so nobody has to pay a real writer, monkey-see to promote conflict instead of cooperation, personal interaction and behavior suited for a bunch of 4-year-olds... bleh.

I used to think it might be good to get Showtime. Thanks for reminding me what I'm NOT missing!

Anonymous said...

I actually think Nikki is beautiful IRL but not in that cast pic.