Monday, November 23, 2009

Glam or Gaga


Dear Adam Lambert,

Hey there, you big gaymo. Look, I didn’t say anything when you came out with your My Pretty Pony meets Space Camp meets your cousin Sheila’s high school yearbook photo from 1985 during her experimental eyeliner phase album cover for “For Your Entertainment.” And I didn’t say anything when the editor of Out wrote that open letter complaining about you even as he put you on the magazine’s cover (for the record, I think I might be on your side on that one). But you leave me no choice after your American Music Awards performance last night. Now, I don’t normally watch the AMAs. They’re basically not a real awards show but paperweights given out as an excuse for superstars to get on stage and sell records. But I keep reading about people falling and fire and fellatio on my Twitter feed last night so I was forced to tune in. (Note: The West Coast feed had JLo’s assplant cut from its broadcast. Don’t you know moments like that are the only reason we watch in the first place?)

Anyway, the night was basically two performances for me. 1. Lady Gaga and 2. You. So let me break this down as simply as we can.

This is how you do outrageous right. Please note the wearing of lighted exoskeletons and control-top pantyhose in lieu of clothing.

And, then, of course, fire.

This is how you do outrageous wrong. Please note that simulated blow jobs are never, ever good TV. (p.s. This was also cut from the West Coast feed. p.p.s. You suck, AMA editors).

Also, while as a rule I approve wholeheartedly of kissing androgynous bandmates on live television, that kiss was about as hot as the Al and Tipper Gore smooch at the 2000 Democratic Convention.

The main problem I have is that your performance smacked of shock for shock’s sake. It wanted to badly to be shocking and failed even at that. Also, you were kinda pitchy, dawg. Look, Lady Gaga works not because she is shocking but because she is ambitious. She wants to be different and aggressively so, so even if she fails sometimes it is never dull. And she does it all with vision. There is nothing visionary about grinding a dude’s face in your man bits and grabbing ladies by their lady business.

Having said all that, I do appreciate how unabashedly you are bringing the gay these days. Don’t ever stop. Same goes for the sparkly pants. But, seriously, fire your choreographer.

Kisses,
Ms. Snarker

17 comments:

Andy 7 said...

He's the new Gary Glitter, garish and untalented.

Anonymous said...

Ooh dear, comparing him with Gary Glitter can only be a bad thing...
This review makes me think I won't bother to watch the awards

Norma Desmond said...

Dammit, now I'm going to have to try to track down a video of his performance... And I was ready to be totally divorced from the whole AMA scene. However, anything that tacky I just need to see. (Don't get me wrong, I love me some Glambert. I just thing that kind of pointless, shock-for-shock's-sake stuff is unnecessary)

Carol said...

"bringing the gay" hahahaha love it. i couldn't agree more with this post. glambert totally missed the mark on this one.

Pagash said...

I've got to agree, Lady Gaga's performance was really outstanding. I could have done without her wearing a phallus though. Janet Jackson was also very good. Adam's performance was awkward and soooo contrived. Youtube is your friend.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I watched AMA last night because I wanted to see Glamby. I was soooooooo disappointed! Yes, he was pitchy! and shocking, but really? the blow job and the kiss thing. He is trying to hard to be in the ranks or likes of Madge and Alice Cooper, but come one Glamby, they have earned it because of their talent and therefore, get the outcome of real shock. You my dear glamby was just disappointing (Sigh) and yeah and he tripped also.

snookie said...

Oh honey, right you are!

Thanks for the good laugh on a Monday!

elliB said...

Gaga rocked it (obvs! she is a true performance artist) and Glambert's performance was interesting/entertaining for the shock value, but not really that *good* overall... I did sort of enjoy how it was 'bringing the gay' and throwing it in America's face though :)

Anonymous said...

You have to give Lambert a lot of credit, though. He has, correctly, pointed out the double-standard in television when it comes to same-sex kissing. Women kissing women is glorified, and often the simple act of women kissing is used only for ratings, and the women, quite frankly are exploited, while men kissing men on tv is completely taboo.

I can't believe no one here was "offended" by Eminem introducing himself this way:

"In this corner, weighing 175 pounds, with a record of 17 rapes, 400 assaults and four murders. The most diabolical human in the world … Slim Shady.”

Or, worse yet, Whitney Houston being presented with an AMA international award of excellence. Yes, let's celebrate the crackheads of the world, please.

Adam's kiss and performance were the least of what was supposedly wrong about last night's telecast.

NorhtboundToLoop said...

lol. I love this post.

Making Space said...

LOL I didn't see the show but now I feel like I did. Too bad Adam missed the mark. I lurv him dearly.

Lillian said...

i didn't watch this, but AAAHHHHHHHHH MY EYES!!!!!

Bent said...

With regards to Adam, I think of the saying, "Go big or go home". When you go big, the misses are obvious to the planet, but the hits make it all worthwhile to those who think like this. I anxiously await the next live performances from this little evil genius, because he is wired to shock and awe, and I love that it's this great big gay that's bringing it. He flopped on the AMA's, but that's just fuel for his fire. Stoke it baby boy!

Anonymous said...

personally, i LOVED adam's performance! true might have been shocking to some people but i wasn't shocked at all...i was amazed and i wanted more. in an interview after the ama's adam said to the reporter that if you didn't like it then maybe i'm not for you and those are excellent words to live by. if you didn't like his performance then maybe, just maybe he isn't the artist for you. he shouldn't have to make any apologizes...he's an artist and art is free and open--adam's art is one that hasn't been explored in television as much as it should. he's totally right...women have pushed the envelope for years and we didn't hear the types of complaints we are hearing now. i mean, yeah, its all fab to see two women kissing, i agree, but two men? ew...gross. oh and the crotch action...all i can say is that if i were a gay man it'd be all over for adam! LOL! art is art. whether it be beautiful and bold or tacky and tasteless--its a matter of perspective.

Anonymous said...

I did not see the performance, only read about it. I also read the comment Adam made claiming the backlash is a double-standard against men because female singers do it all the time. For one, female singers in general are just sexier, because their females. And the other thing, is that NO man, straight or gay, has the right to cry double-standard in our society when it comes to sex or expression of sexuality. They don't no what a double standard is. The third thing, he isn't even a good singer.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Anonymous above - the fact that us women have dealt with double standards for as long as we can remember is not a reason to ignore it when it happens to men. That is the same principle underlying the fact that racism is only racist if white people are doing it. Sexism can be, and often is, leveled against men, and Ms. Anonymous, I am afraid you are a sexist.

Anonymous said...

I bet that dancer told his mom "am going to meet Adam Lambert's c*ck today".... XP