But instead of focusing my own flaws (of which, clearly, there are none) this New Year's, I resolve to dissect other people's problems. So, without further ado, I give you my five resolutions in hopes of making 2007 as gay a year as possible.
- For Rosie O'Donnell: Stop and think - really, really think - before you speak. Stop entering needless feuds with other celebrities. Stop offending entire ethnicities with your ignorance. Stop crying homophobia over insignificant incidents. And, for God's sake, stop writing your blog in haiku.
- For the writers of "The L Word": Rediscover your sense of humor. It's that thing located above your sense of impending doom and penchant for killing off beloved characters. That thing that is generally followed by the sound of laughter and people enjoying themselves. That thing that makes us feel happy instead of like slitting our wrists after we watch each week.
- For Sarah Paulson: Win that Golden Globe and plant a big, wet, sloppy kiss on Cherry Jones on your way to the podium.
- For Jodie Foster/Queen Latifah/Michelle Rodriguez/et al: Come out. Make it official. Bring a friend. Your toaster ovens are waiting.
- For Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz: Consider lesbianism. Preferably with each other. Preferably with pictures. That's all.